(set: $timeInER to 0)The walls are adorned with large colourful murals. One section is a picturesque landscape with the word "RECOVERY" in a bold font. You can barely remember the events of the day or how you made it here.
The receptionist sits behind a glass window, and she looks to you. "How may I help you?"
You stutter for a moment, struggling to find words. "I, um, need to talk to a doctor."
You exchange basic information and provide proof of health insurance. She verifies your address and emergency contacts. A large man takes your bag and leads you to an isolated area in the hospital. He wears a blue shirt with "Protection Services" written on the back. The security guard raises his ID to a sensor beside the wide door. It beeps, and he opens the door. You walk in, and it shuts behind you.
[[Look around->ER First Room]](if: $ERIgnoredByNurses is 1)[A nurse approaches you and tells you that the psychiatrist will see you now. You breathe a sigh of relief and prepare to speak with him.](else-if: $timeInER is 0)[You just arrived in the ER. You know you're going to wait a while - but you don't know how long.
The room is bland and empty with many rows of chairs. Each chair is divided by an arm rest. A single TV on the wall plays a repetitive 24-hour news station. Opposite the TV is the nursing station - a wall lined with windows and a locked door.
There is a woman sitting cross-legged underneath the TV. She stares at her phone, and a charger is plugged into a wall outlet beside her.](else-if: $timeInER is 1)[You've been in the ER for almost an hour. You hope they haven't forgotten you.
The TV blares as usual. You think you've watched the news cycle repeat at least 5 times so far. You wonder if you can change the channel, but you don't feel motivated to ask.](else-if: $timeInER is 2)[You've been in the ER for 2 hours. The boredom and frustration is building, but for the most part you manage to ignore it.
You have fully tuned out the TV. It's just background noise now. You start to wish you had a handheld video game to play with. You wish you had something that could occupy your mind.](else-if: $timeInER is 3)[You've been in the ER for 3 hours. The anxiety is building. You feel like a ticking time bomb.
You are no stranger to psych ERs, but it never gets easier to wait. You've paced the room for quite a while now, and you've lost count of how many times you've read the posters on the walls.](else:)[You've been in the ER for $timeInER hours. You are reaching the limit of your tolerance. You feel like you'll explode if someone tries to talk to you.]
(if: $ERIgnoredByNurses is not 1)[(if: $ERWantPenPaper is not 1)[[[Stare at the wall->ER Stare at Wall]]
](else:)[[[Find a nurse and ask for pen and paper.->ER PenPaper]]
](if: $ERReadPaper is not 1)[[[Read a newspaper->ER Read Newspaper]]
](if: $ERTalkedToWoman is not 1)[[[Talk to the woman sitting on the floor.->ER Talk Woman]]]](else:)[[[Follow your doctor to an interview room.->ER Interview Room]]]
{
(set: $ERTalkedToWoman to 1)
(set: $timeInER to $timeInER + 1)
}The noise of the TV becomes louder as you approach the woman.
You work up the nerves to speak. "Um... hi."
She looks up from her phone for a minute. Her eyes scan you, and she looks back down at the phone.
"Hi," she mumbles.
[["Nice day, isn't it?"->ER Talk Woman Nice Day]]
[[Leave her alone->ER Talk Woman Leave Alone]]
(set: $timeInER to $timeInER + 1)(set: $ERTalkedToMan to 1)You approach the old man. As you get closer the soft mumbling becomes partly intelligible, and it is clear that he's having a conversation - with who, you do not know.
"Hello," you say.
He stops mumbling for a minute at looks up at you. "Do you understand, ma'am? Do you understand? I don't want to fight you, alright? So do you understand?"
[["Yes, I understand."->ER Man:Yes]]
[["What's this about fighting?"->ER Man:What?]]{
(set: $ERWantPenPaper to 1)
(set: $timeInER to $timeInER + 1)
}You grab yourself a seat and give the wall a good stare.
As you fixate on the wall, or nothing in particular, your mind wanders. You try to piece together what is happening and why you came in. The further back you reach into your mind, the harder it is to recall.
Things aren't that bad, afterall, are they? Wouldn't it be nice to go home and take a nap?
You long for the doors to be opened so that you can be free. However, you know from experience that they won't let you leave until you've seen a doctor.
Each memory you discover gets lost in the moment, except for the times when you get lost in the memory. You start to wish you had a pen and some paper to write this down, because your recall won't likely improve by the time you see a doctor.
You have no idea why this is triggering your anxiety. You want to leave. You want to stay. You're not sure what you'll say.
Perhaps a nurse has some paper and a pen.
[[Continue.->ER First Room]]{
(if: $ERReadPaper is not 1)[
(set: $ERReadPaper to 1)
(set: $timeInER to $timeInER + 1)
]
}You sit down in one of the chairs and pick up one of the newspapers. It's the free periodical they give out to commuters. You flip through a few pages trying to find something of interest to you.
You try to read, but your mind is too foggy to concentrate. The words melt off the page. You're better off staring at a wall - it's way harder to screw that up.
[[Continue.->ER First Room]]"Yes, I understand."
You aren't positive about what you're agreeing to, but any alternative is better than fighting.
"Great! Glad we agree," he says.
Well, that wasn't so bad.
[[Continue->ER First Room]]"What's this about fighting?"
He looks at you and his eyes narrow. "So you want to fight me? Is that it?"
"I just don't understand."
"Then why didn't you say so?"
You're not sure how to respond. You wonder if it's best to leave him be. For all his talk about fighting, he seems rather harmless.
[[Continue->ER First Room]]"Nice day, isn't it?"
She laughs for a moment. "Yeah, sure. It's beautiful."
You look at her for a second wondering what to say. You wonder if it even makes sense to tell her your story. To say why you're here. She's probably wondering the same thing.
The awkward moment ends when her attention returns to her phone. You take this as your cue to walk away.
[[Continue.->ER First Room]]You decide it's best to leave her alone for now. She seems anxious and probably doesn't want to talk.
[[Continue->ER First Room]]{
(set: $ERIgnoredByNurses to 1)
(set: $MaxOutbursts to 1)
}You look through the window in the nursing station. Around 8 people are inside, and they appear to be having a conversation amongst themselves. One of the male nurses laughs as he talks, though you cannot hear what he is laughing about.
How will you get their attention?
(if: $ERPPWaited is not 1)[[[Stand in front of the window and wait.->ERPenPaper Wait]]<br>]{(if: $ERPPKnocked is not 1)[[[Knock on the door.->ERPenPaper Knock]]](else:)[[[Slam fist on the window and yell.->ERPenPaper Yell]]]}
{[[Give up.->ERPenPaper GiveUp]]}{
(set: $ERPPWaited to 1)
}You stand near the window so that the nurses will see you, and you watch as they continue their conversation.
They chat amongst themselves for about 10 minutes. One of them looks up and you make eye-contact. Just as quickly, she looks down, as if that didn't just happen.
The tension builds. You want to break down the window.
This approach isn't working. Best to try something else.
[[Continue->ER PenPaper]]{
(set: $ERPPKnocked to 1)
}You gently knock on the door. You look inside - none of the nurses looked up. It seems that they haven't even noticed.
You knock again, slightly harder. Still nothing.
[[Continue->ER PenPaper]]{
(set: $ERSlammedFistOnWindow to true)
(set: $Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
}You slam your fist on the window once.
"What are you doing?!"
A woman with long, dark hair looks up for a moment. She rolls her eyes and stands up. She approaches the door and opens it.
"How can I help you?" she asks, with a superficial cheeriness.
You try to explain, "I am really, really anxious. I've been waiting for a long time and I just thought if I could have--"
"We can't give you Ativan. You have to wait for the doctor to order it for you."
You shake your head. "I don't //want// an Ativan. Can you //please// listen?"
While you're talking, the nurse walks back inside and slams the door. You consider slamming your fists and screaming again, but it doesn't seem like it would help.
[[Continue.->ER First Room]]There doesn't seem to be a point. No one is listening anyway.
[[Continue.->ER First Room]]{
(set:$ERThreatenedSuicide to false)
(set:$ERFormed to false)
(set:$EROvernightOnly to false)
(set:$ERSuicideAssessed to false)
(set:$ERDisclosedPlan to false)
(set:$ERYelledAtDoctor to false)
(if: $Restart is true)[
(set: $Outbursts to $OriginalOutbursts)
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $OriginalMaxOutbursts)
](else:)[
(set: $OriginalOutbursts to $Outbursts)
(set: $OriginalMaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts)
]
}You follow the nurse to one of the side rooms with an open door and a table in the centre. There are two chairs. You step inside.
"Have a seat. Doctor Marion will be with you shortly."
Wordlessly, you lower yourself into one of the chairs. You try to shift it gently towards the table, but the chair is quite heavy - perhaps deliberately weighed down. The armrests have no gap between the arm and the seat of that chair. You shrug your shoulders.
A young woman enters the room. Dr. Marion, you presume.
"Hello there, Jessica. I'm Dr. Marion, the resident psychiatrist. I hear you're not having the best day."
You nod.
"Tell me a little bit about what brings you in here."
You respond, "I'm ... it's very hard to say."
You break eye-contact because connection is too much. You'd rather dissociate yourself away from the situation than face it head-on.
Dr. Marion nods patiently. "Take your time. It's all right."
This is your final chance to leave. You can say whatever you want. Once the secret is out, you'll likely be admitted as an involuntary patient. But if you say too little, you may be denied any help or support at all.
You take a deep breath.
[[Tell her that you're suicidal.->ER Marion Suicidal]]
[[Tell her that you're depressed.->ER Marion Depressed]]
"The depression is so bad right now."
Dr. Marion nods. "How long have you felt like this?"
"Years," you respond. "I don't remember when I didn't feel like this."
She nods again and looks down at her clipboard. "Did you come in by yourself, or did someone bring you here?"
You pause for a moment. You aren't intentionally avoiding the question. Images of your death as you imagined it race through your mind. You try to remember how you came to the ER. Not in an ambulance. You arrived here alone. You used a taxi.
You respond, "I took a taxi here. No one brought me in."
Dr. Marion nods again. "OK. Have you had thoughts about harming yourself?"
Again. The question comes up again. As if it would be that easy. Your thoughts race immediately as you remember what it's like to be stuck in a hospital without the right to leave. The cold, tasteless food. The searching and cataloguing of your personal belongings. Restriction of all electronic devices. The heavily controlled atmosphere where wearing your own clothes is a privilege.
The question remains: can you look after yourself on the outside? Is it even worth a try?
[[Tell her that you're suicidal.->ER Marion Suicidal]]
[[No, it's just the depression.->ER Marion NotSuicdal Check]]With your eyes fixed on the floor, you try to summon the courage to say something. You are acutely aware of the power the psychiatrist has over you, and the next words you say could get you detained.
It isn't that you honestly want that. You just don't know what else to do. And yet at the same time, the part of you that wants to die is fighting the urge to say it.
You force it out. "I... I want to kill myself."
She nods again. "OK. You want to kill yourself. How long have you felt this way?" Her nonchalant approach would normally seem quite odd, but nothing is normal about this conversation.
It feels like forever, but you know that isn't true. "A few weeks," you respond.
"All right. This is very important, so I'm going to ask you a few questions about it."
[[Continue.->ER Marion Suicide Risk Assessment]]Dr. Marion asks, "Why do you want to die?"
You take a deep breath. "I just don't see another way. Life hurts so much, all the time, and I can't handle it anymore."
She responds, "Are there specifics? What makes your life this painful?"
You struggle to find words. Your heart races, and you are overtaken by a heavy shame. As the feeling settles in, you close your arms into your belly and look to the ground.
Dr. Marion says, "I know this is hard to talk about. Take your time."
You nod slowly. It feels as though your larynx is swelling. You don't want to say it. You don't even want to think it.
[[Your cat died and it's all your fault.->ER Marion Suicide Cat Died]]
[[It's too hard to talk about.->ER Marion Suicide Just Really Hard]] Dr. Marion writes something down quickly and makes eye contact. "So, here's the thing. I don't like to admit people when they're safe to leave. The hospital isn't the best environment and it often makes people feel worse."
A heavy silence fills the room. Your heart races as you remember what it was like outside. The head fog. The constant tension that nothing could relieve.
"Are you safe to leave?" she asks.
You're still questioning how badly you want this help. All you do know is that you went into this hoping they would force you to stay. There's something counter-intuitive about advocating for yourself when you still want to die, and you never quite figured out the best way to do this.
"I don't know, maybe?" you answer.
"What would you do if you went home right now?"
You think back to when you were at home. You were going to attempt suicide in your bedroom before you decided to call a cab and head over here. You're honestly not sure what will happen.
She asks again, "When you get home, what do you think you'll do?"
Your muscles tense up. "I would ... hopefully just go to sleep"
"Hopefully?"
"Yes," you respond, "I honestly don't know what I'll do."
"Do you agree to come back if you start planning to harm yourself?"
"Yes."
By now you know Dr. Marion has made up her mind, and there is no sense in arguing further. You answer all her follow-up questions as quickly as you can so as not to drag this out any further.
[[Agree to leave and fetch your belongings.->ER Discharge]]You pick up your backpack from the nursing station. The nurse hands it to you wordlessly and walks away. You carry it to one of the seats in the psych ER and set it down.
You meticulously check your belongings to ensure that everything is accounted for. You find your cell-phone, a couple changes of clothes, and a few books.
You heave the backpack over your shoulders and walk up to the nursing station. You need someone to let you out.
You knock on the door a few times, and no one comes to help you. A man behind you calls your name, "Jessica?"
"Yes?" you reply.
You turn around and see the same security guard who brought you in. "If you're ready, I'll let you out."
You walk to the door and he buzzes you out.
[[Take a taxi home->Early Dischage Taxi]]
[[Take the subway home->Early Dischage Subway]]You stand in the hospital lobby with cellphone in hand. You dial a number for a taxi. You tell the operator where you are and where you live.
"We'll be about five minutes, OK?"
You lower yourself into a seat and wait.
You can't shift the feeling that your life doesn't matter. You wonder how many days you have left. You wonder whether the hospital made a difference. And with all these feelings, a taxi seemed like the safest option, even if you can't really afford it.
When the driver arrives, you exit the hospital and get into the cab. You tell him the address, and then you sit and stare out the window until you arrive.
[[Enter your apartment.->Early Discharge Apartment]]You walk down the steps into the subway entrance and pay your fare. You pass through the turnstile. Immediately you hear the rumble of trains on the level below. Your vision starts to blur as you move down the final set of stairs to the platform.
After regaining focus, you notice that you're standing on the yellow line. You take a few steps back. Your heartrate is noticeably elevated. You pull off the backpack and press your back into the wall to ground yourself.
Sometimes you can't ride the subway at all because you're afraid of what you might try to do. This day however, playing with the potential risk is part of coping. It feels safer when you know you can just do it.
You watch the train tracks below intently. Before you can think about it //too// much, your train comes roaring through. It stops. The doors open.
[[Get on the train.->Early Discharge On Train]]You wonder if taking a taxi home would be safer. As your suicidal mind takes over, you start to imagine your untimely death over and over again. As you disembark at your stop, you gaze at the train from the outside as it accelerates away.
You reach the exit to this station and the stairway, but you struggle to pass through the gate. You see another train come in, heading in the opposite direction. The thoughts are triggered again.
You close your eyes for a second and breathe.
A part of you is ambivalent - ambivalent enough to leave the station intact. Sometimes, ambivalence is all you have, but in the moment you curse it.
You allow your ambivalence to carry you out of the station.
[[Go home.->Early Discharge Apartment]]You walk inside and drop your bag in front of the door. You carefully shut the door behind you. It's late right now - you don't know the time, but your apartment is pitch black aside from the moonlight coming through the windows.
You settle on the couch in the livingroom. Your thoughts go to reaching for the your melatonin supplements, but you don't feel like getting up. You lie down on the couch and stretch out as far as you can.
Feeling much too tired to do anything else, you close your eyes and resolve to try again tomorrow.
[[Continue.->Early Discharge Summary]]{
(set: $Restart to true)
}Like many of us know, the end is not all it seems. When systems fail us, we have to find our own inner-strength to survive.
Psych resources are limited, and the only way to access them sometimes is to present as seriously ill in spite of your fear of losing control.
There is more to this game. If you want to answer Dr. Marion differently, you may [[meet with her again->ER Interview Room]].
If you feel satisfied with this conclusion, that's OK too. Many people are turned away by the psych system but still find the courage to live on and survive. Sometimes the best help is within ourselves.
Thank you for playing.It seems easier to talk around it than to actually talk about it, and if you get the same result - a safe place to rest for a few days - then there is no real upside to talking about it.
"It's just hard. It's so hard. I hate myself, and I want it to be over, and I don't see any reason to go on."
Dr. Marion nods. "I can see that you're in a lot of pain. Is there more you can say about that?"
[[Just tell her about your cat.->ER Marion Suicide Cat Died]]
[[It's just really, really hard.->ER Marion Suicide Just Really Hard 2]]{
(set: $ERCatTalk to true)
(set: $GTalkedAboutCat to true)
}You can't bear to look at her. "Cassandra was sick. I didn't take her to the vet in time. She died, and it's all my fault. I hate myself."
Dr. Marion nods. "These things can happen, Jessica."
"You don't understand. She died because of me. She was the only thing keeping me going, and she died because of me." You're shaking now and finding it hard to focus.
"It sounds like you really cared about Cassandra. Pets are like family."
"You don't understand," you say with a trembling voice. "She was the only reason I woke up in the morning. The only reason I didn't kill myself was because she would end up at a shelter. Now that she's gone I... I just don't care anymore."
"What about the rest of your family?" she asks.
You shake your head. All you can think to say is that they'll be better off without you. You've made enough dramatics for now. You shake your head again, and again.
"Are you close to your parents? Siblings?"
"They will be better off without me," you retort.
[[Continue->ER Marion Suicide Cat Died 2]]"I don't know," you say. "It's just really, really hard right now."
Dr. Marion scribbles a few words down on her pad of paper and then nods. "OK. What skills have you used?"
Your stomach tightens. Good old skills. "What do you mean?"
"What coping skills have you used to weather this at home?"
You stare at her for a second. Then you try to reflect on the past few days. What have you done? It's a struggle to remember anything. It's hard enough remembering how you got here. You wonder if you're supposed to provide a rehearsed list.
[[Try to list the coping skills you've used in the past few days.->ER Marion Suicide Coping Skills]]{
(set: $ERMentionedCat to true)
(set: $ERReallyHard to true)
}You're drawing a blank as you try to tell her how you've coped. It's almost as if a part of your brain is inaccessible to you right now.
"I've been distracting myself."
"How?" she asks.
Every request for details puts you in touch with a deeply painful section of your memories. Even looking back at the past few days - your memories of marathoning Orange is the New Black are interspersed with planning your suicide. At a certain point, you kept yourself afloat by watching just "one more episode," promising yourself that after that you would die.
The answering machine at home is full of messages from your employer. You couldn't bear to pick up the phone or respond to them. You figure you've probably been fired by now.
Your eyes tear up. "Please ... please don't let me go home."
Dr. Marion responds, "Can you tell me a bit about why you don't feel safe to go home?"
"There's nothing to go back to," you say. "I have no job. I'll be evicted. My cat is dead. There is no reason to keep living."
"Your cat?" Dr. Marion asks, curiously.
[[Tell her about your cat.->ER Marion Suicide Cat Died]]
[[Tell her you don't want to talk about it.->ER Marion Suicide Don't Talk]]{
(set: $ERCatTalk to false)
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
}"I don't want to talk about my cat."
Dr. Marion sighs. "All right, this is my thinking. If you aren't going to talk about anything or work on anything, then a hospital stay isn't right for you." She looks down at her clipboard again. "There are no beds on psych right now. You can stay down in the ER overnight, but in the morning we will only talk about discharge planning." She looks up from the clipboard. "Wouldn't you prefer to go home tonight?"
You look back at her emotionlessly. You slink down in your chair and consider your options.
[[Go home.->ER Marion Go Home CheckDon'tTalk]]
[[Yell at her.->ER Marion Yell At Her]]
[[Stay in ER overnight.->ER Stay Overnight]](set: $Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)You muster as much calm as you can. The truth is that you're bubbling over with rage. "How can you talk to me like that?"
Dr. Marion responds blankly, "Talk like what?"
You raise your voice. "I... you... I'm not safe! I can't go home. I'm not safe!"
She raises an eyebrow. "Is there a more effective way you could handle this right now?"
[[Stop reacting - this won't help.->ER Marion Go Home CheckReacting]]
[[Threaten to kill yourself.->ER Marion Threaten Suicide]]{
(set: $EROvernightOnly to true)
}You meet Dr. Marion's eyes and think over the options. Your response could be used against you later on. "I'm not safe at home," you say.
She looks at you intently. "Do you have any friends you could stay with?"
You didn't realize that this was going to become a brainstorming session. You take a deep breath and try to respond.
[[You could try calling a friend.->ER Call Friend]]
[[You have no one to stay with.->ER Stay Overnight 2]]You let out a big sigh. "I'll just go home. Not like there is a point in being here."
Dr. Marion looks at you carefully before speaking. "I was hoping this would be a decision we made together." She pauses a moment. You aren't even sure what she meant by it, nor what a decision made together would have looked like. "Well, just know that you can always come back if you need to. I'll give you one Ativan to get yourself through the night. Tomorrow you need to call your doctor and tell him you were here."
Your eyes fixate on the floor, or specifically, your shoes. You tap your left foot slowly. Your head is spinning with rebuttals that you'll never utter - you want to snap back that your family doctor is a woman, but knowing such a response could be medicalized and filtered into a stigmatized diagnosis, you decide to just leave silently. Then you wonder if your silence will be medicalized.
You nod. "OK. I'll go home and call my doctor tomorrow."
She extends her hand. "It was a pleasure meeting you. Don't hesitate to come back if you need us." Reluctantly you shake it. The superficiality taunts you just a tad, but you manage to lift yourself to your feet and walk out of the interview room.
[[Fetch your belongings.->ER Discharge]]{
(set: $ERThreatenedSuicide to true)
(set: $ERYelledAtDoctor to true)
}You lose track of your usual verbal filters and express your thoughts in their rawest form. "I'm just going to leave and kill myself. I don't care anymore. Discharge me. I'll just kill myself."
[[Continue->ER Marion Form 1]]{
(set:$ERSuicideAssessed to true)
}Dr. Marion jots a few things down and then looks at you again. "Do you have any plans to kill yourself?"
[[Share your plan.->ER Marion Share Suicide Plan]]
[[Don't share.->ER Marion Don't Share Suicide Plan]]
{
(set: $ERFormed to true)
(set: $Formed to true)
(set: $DayFormIsUp to 4)
}(if:$ERThreatenedSuicide is true)[Dr. Marion shakes her head and scribbles something else down. ](else:)[Dr. Marion frowns and looks at you sympathetically. ]"All right. Do you know what a Form 1 is?"
Of course you know what a Form 1 is. You've been formed so many times in the past that you couldn't not know.
She continues, "A Form 1 is a 72-hour psychiatric evaluation. (if:$ERThreatenedSuicide is true)[From what you said to me, I have reason to believe that you are at risk of harming yourself. I am going to fill out a Form 1. ](else:)[I'm concerned about you, and I think this is the best way to keep you safe. We can work on safety planning and medication while you're here, and remember that it's just 72 hours. Not forever.]"
(if:$ERThreatenedSuicide is true)[
You choke back laughter. //Now// she believes you're at risk of suicide? As the seconds tick by, it begins to sink in. You won't be going home tonight.
]
Dr. Marion says, "Your nurse will be with you shortly." She leaves the room. You allow your mind to drift. Being formed used to be a novelty. You remember the first time. You were so terrified of what would happen to you. You were afraid you would never leave the hospital again. Yet, as time moved on with more life and experience, you came to realize that 72 hours was nothing. A couple sleeps, and you'll head home.
[[Sit in the room and wait for your nurse.->ER Search Belongings]]You rest your back against the chair and wait for your nurse. A half-hour rolls by as you stare at the wall. Knowing that you're somewhere safe for the night brings you a small amount of relief - confusing relief to be honest, as you still want to kill yourself. On some level it is nice to know that people will make sure you stay alive.
The security guard you met earlier walks in holding your backpack and purse. "(if:$ERYelledAtDoctor is true)[I hear things got a little heated," he starts. "I'm not here to harrass you, but I do need your cooperation. ]I need to search and catalogue your belongings. When we're done, they will stay behind the nursing station to ensure that you're safe."
You nod. He puts on two latex gloves and begins rummaging through your belongings. As he removes each clothing item he makes a small note of it on a piece of paper. Underwear here, bra there. He picks out a pair of pyjama pants and puts it in a separate pile. "You can't have anything with a drawstring," he says.
He takes your smartphone and charger, and puts it in a small plastic bag. You suppress a laugh when you notice the biohazard symbol on it.
"The laces from your shoes, please."
The //laces?// You sigh and proceed to delace your shoes.
"Are you wearing a belt?" he asks.
You nod, and hand the belt over to him too. Your pants are barely clinging to your waist as you use your hands to hold them up.
"OK miss, one last thing."
Another man who you didn't see approaches you with a handheld metal detector. "Stand with your arms out," he orders.
You consider your options.
[[Do as he says without making a fuss.->ER Search Belongings Obey]]
[["Why are you talking to me like that?"->ER Search Belongings Question]]
{
(set:$ERTalkedToJon to true)
}"I guess I'll try to call a friend," you say reluctantly.
"Great!" Dr. Marion responds, "Patient phone is in the hall. Dial 9 to get out."
You nod and rise to your feet. You exit the room and walk around the corner, passing the TV. The young woman you saw before is still sitting on the floor with her cell phone. You move past her and approach the phone. You pick up the phone and dial your best friend.
Jon answers. "Hello?"
"Hey," you say, "I'm at the hospital."
"Oh shit. Is everything OK?"
"No," you say, suppressing a sob. "No. It's not OK."
"What happened?"
You try to give him a quick summary of the frustrating conversation you just had with the psychiatrist. He listens attentively. And then you reach the point where Dr. Marion insisted that you stay with a friend.
"Listen, Jon," you start.
[[You need a place to stay.->ER Call Friend Tell Jon]]
[[Nevermind.->ER Call Friend Don't Say Anything]]
"There's no one to stay with."
Dr. Marion nods. "All right Jessica. I'll let them know your decision, and a nurse will be with you shortly." She stands and walks out of the room. For a moment she turns around and faces you again. "If you do change your mind and want to go home, just let your nurse know." She abruptly walks away.
You won't be asking to go home, as tempting as the offer was. You know you're not safe with yourself right now.
[[Wait for your nurse.->ER Search Belongings]]{
(set: $ERAskedJon to true)
}"Jon, the psychiatrist told me that I need to stay with a friend," you blurt out.
"A friend?" he asked, sounding confused.
"Yes," you say.
There is silence on the line, and the silence tells you everything you need to know. You suppress your frustration with Jon - it's not his fault that the hospital is putting this on you.
(if:$ERSuicideAssessed is true)["Jon, she assessed me for suicide risk but I couldn't tell her about my plan."
Jon pauses a moment, and you hear him take a deep breath. "Jess," he says, "if you have a plan, I don't think I can watch you. You need to be in hospital."
You know. God, do you ever know. "I'm going to try to stay. It's just hard and the doctor made me call you, and - and I really don't want to put you through this."](else:)["Jon, she didn't even assess me for suicide risk. She didn't even ask."
"What?" he says.
"She was short with me - she had no patience."]
"That's really unprofessional. Sadly, I won't be able to host you. I have to work and I won't be around to watch you."
The idea of your best friend watching you fills you with a sense of unease. "I don't want you to do this either. I don't want any of this. I don't want anything at all."
"If you want me to call them and tell them how serious this is, I can totally do that."
The offer is tempting, but you can't bear to drag him into this. A huge part of it is that you don't want to be a problem. You never want to be anyone's problem. "No. Don't worry about it. I don't want to drag you into this."
You //slam// the phone back into the receiver. In a fit of self-consciousness, you look around the emergency room. No one even reacted.
It's not like you didn't know the answer already, but it still burns just a little bit.
[[Wait for Dr. Marion to return->ER Call Friend Failed]]"Don't worry about me," you finish the thought. You know that you're not fooling him, hopefully he'll let it go.
"What is it?" he responds.
You shake your head. "Don't worry about me. It doesn't matter. Can we talk later?"
"Sure," he replies. "Please call if you need anything."
"OK. Thank you. Love you."
You hang up before you hear a response.
With the conversation finished, you return to the interview room and wait for Dr. Marion to come back.
[[Wait for Dr. Marion to return.->ER Call Friend Failed]]{
(set: $ERDisclosedPlan to true)
}You nod, and she asks what it is. You take a deep breath and slowly explain the plan you had. You already own what you need, and you already wrote a note to your loved ones. The only thing left was to go home and do it.
"I think I know what we need to do right now. The most important thing, I think, is to keep you safe tonight."
[[Continue->ER Marion Form 1]]"No," you say. "I don't really have a plan yet."
It's a lie, and you know it, but sometimes these things can be so hard to talk about. Dr. Marion nods and says, "Well, it sounds like you're a very strong person, and it sounds like you've been struggling for a while."
Your stomach tightens. You know the direction this is going.
She continues. "I don't think, at this time, that a hospital environment will be helpful. If you would like to stay for one night, we'll be happy to accomodate you. Beyond that, there isn't a lot we can offer you. Outpatient care is best."
You nod slowly as the message sinks in. You have to make a choice.
[[Go home.->ER Marion Go Home CheckDon'tTalk]]
[[Stay in ER overnight.->ER Stay Overnight]]You nod slowly. You don't like being ordered around, but snapping at him won't help.
This entire process always gets you. Supposedly it's for your own safety, but you don't normally care in the moment. You turn your eyes and head down to the floor, stretch your arms out, and let him proceed.
You close your eyes as the metal detector passes over your legs and arms. You always hate this part - always. It can't be over soon enough.
[[Continue.->ER Transfer To Crisis Ward]]"Why are you talking to me like that?" you ask, unable to suppress your frustration.
{(if:$ERThreatenedSuicide is true)[He narrows his eyes as he looks at you. "Look," he said, "I heard you yelling at Dr. Marion. I don't have nearly the tolerance she does. Put your arms out, or I'll call security."]
(elseif:$ERFormed is true)[He shakes his head. "Everyone has to do this. Either do as I say, or I'll call security."]
(elseif:$ERYelledAtDoctor is true)[He narrows his eyes as he looks at you. "Look," he said, "I heard you yelling at Dr. Marion. I don't have nearly the tolerance she does. Put your arms out and let me scan them, or you're going home."]
(else:)[He shakes his head. "Everyone has to do it. You can either cooperate or go home."]
}
You look away in shame. This entire process always gets you. They say it's for your own safety, but you don't care that much in the moment. You turn your eyes down to the floor, stretch your arms out, and let him do his thing.
You close your eyes as the metal detector passes over your legs and arms. You always hate this part - always. It can't be over soon enough.
[[Continue.->ER Transfer To Crisis Ward]]{
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
}Dr. Marion returns. "OK, so I have the discharge paperwork ready. Are you going to your friend's house?"
Discharge paperwork? You shake your head. "I don't have anywhere to go," you say. "Please?" Normally you wouldn't be reduced to begging. However, given the circumstance, you feel as though you're begging for your life.
Dr. Marion shakes her head. "Like I said, you need to go home tonight."
[["You said I could stay!"->ER Dr. Marion Argue]]
[[Go home.->ER Marion Go Home CheckDon'tTalk]]{
(set: $ERYelledAtDoctor to true)
(set: $ERTriedToDischarge to true)
(set: $Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
}"You said I could stay!" you shout as loudly as you can in hopes that everyone will hear you. "I'm not safe!"
"Jessica, I said that you needed to call a friend and find somewhere you could stay."
"And I found //nothing!// No one can host me right now."
She jots down a few more things on her clipboard. You shout, "What are you writing about me? Do you even care that you lied to me?"
Dr. Marion quickly scribbles something down. "All right," she says, "you can stay for one night. That's it, though. You'll be discharged in the morning. Your nurse will see you soon." She swings around and walks away.
You slide into the chair in the interview room and hope that she forgets to discharge you. For now you can relax a little bit until you're admitted.
[[Continue.->ER Search Belongings]]A young white woman walks out of the nursing station and approaches you. "Hi Jessica, I'm Chanelle. I'll be your nurse until 11:00."
"Hi Chanelle," you say while taking one quick glance at her face before watching the floor beneath you again.
She begins walking and you follow her footsteps. "Is this your first time in hospital?" she asks as you approach a pair of locked doors.
You shake your head. "First time at this one," you say.
"OK. Hopefully here it's not too different," she says, seemingly without regard for your past experiences.
She holds her employee ID up to a card reader. It beeps, and she opens the door, holding it for you. You walk ahead of her, and the door slams shut.
"You won't be down here for too long," she says. "This is our crisis ER. We'll try to transfer you soon, but for now you can stay down here."
(if:$EROvernightOnly is true)[
You wonder if Chanelle got the memo that you are supposedly an overnight-only patient. It doesn't surprise you that she hasn't been clued in - no one really knows what's going on in these places.
]
The walls are all coated in a dull white paint. As you're walking you see some doodles and pencil marks on the wall. You follow Chanelle through a simple hallway. You glance into an open room while walking by. There are a few rows of tables, and a few soft chairs. The soft chairs are directed at a television. The TV sits behind a locked glass panel, and it's currently turned off.
She stops at a door on the other end of the hallway and gestures for you to walk in. You do so. There is a small bed in this room.
[[Sit on the bed.->CWard Introduction]]
[[Stand in front of the bed.->Cward Stand Near Bed]](if:$CwardIntroStanding is true)[You stand across from her and occasionally shift your weight from one leg to the other. You try your best to maintain eye contact.](else:)[You gently lower yourself on to the bed, and you fold your hands together. You fix your eyes on the floor in front of her feet.]
Chanelle starts. "I just want to welcome you to the Crisis ER. Here we see patients who are in acute crisis. The first step is stabilizing your crisis. Dr. Marion gave me a quick overview but I always like hearing things directly from the patient."
"I..." - you pause, you stutter. It has barely sunk in that this is really happening, and yet you're being asked to tell your story again. You wonder why she can't just read the notes. "I'm tired," you say.
"Can you say more about that?" she responds.
You take a deep breath before responding. "My cat is dead.(if:$ERTalkedToJon is true)[ My best friend can't help me right now. Dr. Marion tried to discharge me.](elseif: $ERFormed is true)[ I'm locked in this prison for the next three days.] I hate myself. I hate everything about myself, and I don't see the point of living."
Chanelle nods. "Right. So you're having thoughts of suicide?"
"Yes," you respond quietly.
"Do you have a plan for how you would do it?" she asks.
(if: $ERDisclosedPlan is true)[You find it difficult to explain again - you have forgotten by now how many people asked you this question. Your set your eyes onto the tiled floor as you explain your detailed plan. It takes about a minute to go over the usual "where, when, how" questions. You're grateful when it's over.](elseif: $ERSuicideAssessed is true)[As hesitant as you were to explain your plan before, you realize now that it's better to just get it done and over with. You nonchalantly explain the where, when, and how of your suicide plan.](else:)[You find it surprising to be asked about a plan, especially given that Dr. Marion didn't ask this question. Ever grateful that someone is asking, you nonchalantly explain the where, when, and how of your suicide plan.]
"That sounds like a really serious plan. How do you think your family would react if you did this?"
//Family?// You shrug your shoulders. "I figure they're better off without me."
"Do you think you'll try to hurt yourself inside the hospital?"
You think for a moment about how you might accomplish this - you come up with a few creative, plausible solutions. But, would you? You think for a moment more and respond, "No, I don't think so. Not with everyone watching me."
Chanelle nods. "I'm very glad you came in. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now. Dr. Marion ordered some Ativan for you. Just come get me if you need any."
With that, she walks out of the room. You wonder if she found you abrasive. She did leave relatively quickly, but your overall impression is that she's a kind nurse.
[[Sit in your room for now.->CWard 1 Stay In Room]]
[[Step outside and look around.->CWard 1 Look Around]]{
(set:$CwardIntroStanding to true)
}Chanelle looks at you puzzled. "Would you like to have a seat?"
(if:$ERYelledAtDoctor is true)[
The evening has been so heated and frustrating that you really don't know what to say. It feels good to exercise some level of agency, even if it's as simple as choosing where to sit.
"No thank you," you say, "I prefer to stand."
Chanelle tilts her head, and then she nods. "Of course. Whatever you're comfortable with."
](else:)[
You flash back to the security guard moments earlier. //Stand with your arms out.// No please, no thank you, just orders. Right now, the simple act of suggesting that you sit feels like a further denial of your agency.
You wonder if you're a bit more sensitive than usual right now. "I would rather just stand, if that's OK," you say meekly. Your legs tremble below you as you say it.
Chanelle tilts her head, and then she nods. "That's absolutely fine. However you're most comfortable."
You are grateful for her understanding.
]
[[Continue.->CWard Introduction]]It's been a hard day, hasn't it? Seems better to just relax and let go. (if:$ERYelledAtDoctor is true)[Though you have only fleeting memory of how you got here, your self-advocacy efforts left you in an exhausted and vulnerable state. Your throat is sore from raising your voice.](else-if: $ERDisclosedPlan is true)[It's not easy telling someone that you want to die - especially when they want to hear your detailed plan.]
As you rest your back against the wall, you listen to your brain replay the events leading you here. It repeats again, and again, and again. It is physically painful to keep thinking, but you can't find a way to stop it.
You notice a shadow projecting from the doorway, and you look up to see a young woman with blonde hair and pale white skin nervously peering in. You can make out a hospital wristband on her that isn't unlike your own.
[[Say hello.->CWard 1 Say Hello To Hazel]]
[[Say nothing and pretend you didn't notice her.->CWard 1 Pretend Didn't Notice]]You rub your weary eyes as you rise to your feet and slowy shuffle your way out of the room. As you walk through the hallway you have to squint to protect your eyes from the powerful florescant lights above.
A young woman with blonde hair is walking in your direction. You figure she just wants to go past you, but she makes eye contact. "Hello," she says.
[[Say hello.->CWard 1 Say Hello To Hazel]]"Hello," you say as you begin walking in the ward hallway.
"My name is Hazel," the woman says.
You smile, nod, and introduce yourself. "I'm Jessica."
"Can I call you Jess?"
"Oh, sure. That sounds OK."
Hazel smiles. "It is so good to finally have someone to talk to in here! We'll be best buds, all right?" She is coming on too strong for your comfort. You wonder why she's so interested in you, but a friend is a friend. You choose not to worry about it too much.
(if:$ERYelledAtDoctor is true)[
Hazel suppresses a laugh. "I heard you yelling at Dr. Marion. I'm so glad. Someone needs to stand up to those assholes."
You nod. "She wanted to discharge me. (if:$ERTalkedToJon is true)[She even tried to make me stay with my best friend.] I didn't know what else to do."
](else:)[
"I'm glad they admitted me, even though I hate places like this," you say.
]
Hazel responds, "Wait, you actually //want// to be here?"
[[Talk about why you're here.->CWard 1 Tell Hazel Truth]]
[[Shrug and brush it aside->CWard 1 Avoid Subject]]You fixate your eyes on the tiled floor below, investigating the marks and dirt that seem to have accumulated over time. For what's supposed to be a sterile environment, your experience of hospitals has been anything but.
"Hello," says a soft voice. You look up. She knows you saw her now. "Would you like to go for a walk?"
Your usual excuses don't work here. You aren't particularly doing anything, so you hop off of the bed and join her.
[[Join her.->CWard 1 Say Hello To Hazel]]"I'm ... I'm in crisis, and I need to be somewhere safe." You aren't sure of a better way to say it, but skipping the details on this one seems best.
Hazel nods. "Oh, that makes sense, I guess."
Her dismissive tone bothers you a little bit. "You guess?"
"Sure, yeah. I mean, you're here. There are only so many things that could mean."
[[Continue->Cward 1 Tell Hazel status]]"I didn't know ... I don't know."
Hazel nods knowingly. "Well, I'm not going to make you talk about it."
"Thanks. I mostly just wish I was dead." Your stomach tenses up as you say it. It never felt comfortable to say you were suicidal.
She laughs, perhaps inappropriately, but you don't really mind. "Well, no wonder they put you back here."
[[Continue->Cward 1 Tell Hazel status]](if:$EROvernightOnly is true)["They said I'm only here for one night," you say. "I guess my crisis is a drain on public healthcare."
"You're not on a form?"
"No," you respond. "I'll be booted out of here soon enough."
Hazel shakes her head. "The shrinks rotate. You'll get a different one tomorrow."
](else:)["Yup, that's why they formed me." You didn't intend to blurt it out so suddenly, but something about Hazel puts you at ease. She's the first real person you've talked to in here.
Hazel releases a nervous laughter. "Ha. I'm on a form too."
Of course. You're not the only one. "Solidarity," you joke.
She grins. "Yes. Solidarity."
]
You both reach the TV area. The couch is empty and the TV is silent. Hazel gets an idea. "Want to watch a movie? It'll kill some time."
"It's not too late?" you ask.
"Relax," Hazel says. "They know me here. It won't be a problem."
[[Watch a movie with Hazel.->Cward 1 Hazel Asks For Movie]]
[[Get some rest instead.->Cward 1 Head To Bed]]{
(set: $HazelMovieAsk to true)
}At Hazel's insistance, you sit down across from the TV and wait for her. Hazel walks to the nursing station - which is actually within earshot. You can't see her, but you listen in.
Hazel knocks on the door gently.
A minute passes with no response.
She knocks harder.
Another minute, no response.
She shouts, "Hello, I'm here! I know you can see me!" She pounds on the glass window.
The door opens.
A woman's voice greets her. "What is it?" Not the most amicable tone.
"Hi Lana," says Hazel, "I'd like to watch a movie."
Lana - you presume - responds, "Well, you're going to have to wait your turn. I'm doing medication right now." The door slams shut.
Hazel knocks again. "What the hell? Why are you talking to me like that?"
The door opens again, just a crack, and a young man's voice comes through. "Miss, if you don't stop we'll have to call security."
"Fuck!" Hazel shouts, and walks away. "Call security then. See if I care!"
All this trouble just for a movie. Hazel returns and sits down beside you. "The fucking staff are always like this," she says.
You nod, not having a whole lot to offer.
"What am I supposed to do?" Hazel asks. "This place just makes me want to kill myself."
You nod in agreement. "That can happen."
It's hard to say how this friendship will go, but you are grateful for having someone to talk to at least. Grateful, but exhausted at the same time.
[[Head to bed.->Cward 1 Head To Bed]]"I think I'm going to lie down," you say.
(if: $HazelMovieAsk is true)[
Hazel nods. "Yeah, that's fine. I don't blame you."
"Thank you," you say. "I hope you sleep well."
Both you and Hazel start walking in the same direction. At the hallway intersection, you turn left to get to your room. Hazel continues walking.
"Goodnight," she says.
](else:)[
"You don't want to watch anything?" Her face drops.
"Maybe tomorrow," you respond.
Hazel nods slowly. "OK. That's fine." She then rises to her feet and walks away without another word.
You watch her walk away. Did you do anything to set her off? You shrug your shoulders and decide not to obsess about it too much.
]
When you enter your room, you throw yourself on to the bed. The exhaustion takes over and you rest your eyes.
(if: $ERFormed is true)[
As you're drifting to sleep, someone knocks at your door.
[[Greet whoever it is.->Cward 1 Take Clothes]]
](else:)[
[[Fall asleep.->Cward 1 Bedtime]]
]{
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
}"Hello?" you shout.
"Hello Jessica, good evening." The voice isn't Chanelle's. You're not sure who she is. She walks into the room carrying a hospital gown. "I need you to change into this gown."
You have to change? "No one asked me to change before."
"They should have," the woman responds. "We don't allow patients clothing privileges when they're on a form."
"But..."
[[Make a fuss->Cward 1 Argue About Clothes]]
[[Get changed->Cward 1 Change Clothes]]The bed feels like a rock. You only have one pillow. The pillowcase feels like it's made out of plastic. The whole thing, actually, feels like plastic. It is quite light, thin, and it barely supports your head. You consider asking your nurse for another pillow, but you're saving your requests for something really important.
As you lay back and look at the ceiling you try to piece together the memories that brought you here today. Everything is fragmented and you can't figure out where some things began and ended.
The tension is high. You try to take deep, slow breaths. It doesn't seem to help. It doesn't seem to hurt, either.
You roll onto your side, and then on your back. You wonder what tomorrow has in store. (if: $EROvernightOnly is true)[You wonder if what Dr. Marion said is true - that you'll be discharged in the morning.
You hope that won't happen.]
You think of the hostile world outside, and the urge to harm yourself is strong.
You roll in and out of sleep. Time creeps forward. You can barely tell how much time has passed because you couldn't keep your phone. You don't even think the ward has a clock. You wonder if that is deliberate. You wonder about a lot of things.
[[Try to sleep->Cward 1 Can't Sleep]]{
(set: $CwardArguedAboutClothes to true)
(set: $Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
}You're pretty sure this is a losing battle, but you argue anyway. "I want to keep my clothes. No one asked for them when I checked in."
The woman responds. "They should have."
You argue, "You have no right to take my clothes away."
"This isn't a debate. When I come back, I expect you'll have changed."
With that, she turns around and leaves the room. You hear her rapid footsteps echo in the hall.
[[Change into gown.->Cward 1 Change Clothes]] (if:$CwardArguedAboutClothes is true)[](else:)[You respond quietly, "OK."
"I'll be back in a few minutes," she replies, and turns around exiting the door. You hear her footsteps fade in the distance.
]You undress slowly. You pick up the gown and examine it. There is no way the gown will cover your back, but you slide your arms through it and try anyway.
As you reach behind to feel where the fabric lands, you touch bare skin in the middle of the back. You try to remedy this by tying it around your neck and waist, but your backside is still showing. You try to pull it shut to no avail.
The woman, a nurse you presume, returns to your room while you're struggling with it. "I don't think I can wear this," you say quietly.
//"Why?"//
"Because ... my backside shows. I'd never leave my room."
"Then get another one," she says. "Linens are down the hall. I'll put your clothes with the rest of your belongings." She picks up your shirt, pants, bra, and underwear, and leaves the room.
Your body feels frozen. You push through the feeling and creep toward the doorway. There is a cart full of gowns. You peer down the hallway. "Any help?" you say.
A nurse coming in the opposite direction scolds you. "It's quiet time," she says.
"I need another gown," you say to her as she walks past. She continues walking as if she didn't hear you.
[[Retrieve an extra gown from the cart.->Cward 1 Retrieve Gown]]You poke your head out just to see that no one is coming. You reach your arm behind your back and pull the gown together behind you, and awkwardly shuffle over to the linen cart while holding the gown in place. When you reach the cart you grab a gown from the top of the pile and shuffle back until you're in the safety of your room.
With that done, you pull the new gown on over your back, and the entire contraption hangs below you like a dress.
[[Go to sleep->Cward 1 Bedtime]]You collapse on your bed. You're no longer so sure of your decision to come here. Unable to process the shock and frustration, you stare up at the ceiling. You wonder if Cassandra is happy up in heaven. Having a ball, you hope.
You cry.
You cry for Cassandra. You cry for yourself. You wonder how you'll ever get along in this world when such a healing soul is gone.
Sometimes the only reason you left the house was to buy her food.
Sometimes the only reason you got out of bed was to feed her and check her water.
Sometimes the only reason you didn't kill yourself was because you didn't want her to end up in a shelter.
(if:$ERFormed is true)[
72 hours. Your form is only 72 hours. You can make it to 72 hours. It's only three days.
]
The bed feels harsh and uncomfortable, and you only have one really thin pillow. You think of asking your nurse another one, but you haven't had luck with that at other hospitals in the past.
You roll around and thrash a bit, but eventually you cry yourself to sleep.
[[Continue.->D2 Donation Nag]]You've been tossing and turning for hours. You don't know that it's been hours though. There isn't a clock nearby, and your phone is stashed away. You don't know where it is, but you keep reaching for it expecting it to be there.
For a moment you think about your phone, and your heart races. You never set a password on it. Someone could easily rummage through it and read all of your messages or even your browser history. Someone could easily steal it and you wouldn't find out until it's too late.
You sit up at once, wide awake and full of nervous energy. You shuffle over and sit on the side with your legs dangling.
A nurse pokes her head in, makes eye contact with you, and leaves. You listen to her footsteps echo through the hall as she walks away.
You wish she had asked if you were OK. You wish she had offered to get you something. You wish she said anything.
[[Get up and ask for Ativan.->Cward 1 Ask For Ativan]]
[[Stay in bed and suffer->Cward 1 Stay in bed]]
{
(set: $D1SawNurseMovie to true)
}You slip your delaced shoes on and tiptoe into the hallway. You peer around the corner. The lights are dimmed and the space feels eerily quiet.
You walk around the corner and up to the nursing station. Everyone inside is looking at a computer screen. One of the nurses is watching a video on her screen - a moment passes and you recognize it as a movie you watched on Netflix.
You knock on the door. No one looks up.
The old routine.
You press your back against the wall opposite the nursing station and wait. Sometimes pounding on the door helps, but it won't win you any favor with the nurses. (if: $ERSlammedFistOnWindow is true)[Your attempt at this in the ER is still fresh in your mind.]
You peer into the nursing station and locate the clock - the only clock on the ward. Five minutes have passed since you knocked. You think about knocking again. Everyone seems fixated on their computer screens and you just hope that at some point they will look up and notice you.
Or stop pretending not to notice you.
[[Knock again->Cward 1 Ask For Ativan 2]]
[[Go back to bed->Cward 1 Go back to bed]]You lie down in bed. You roll back and forth, thrashing your legs. Your sheets - once neatly tucked beneath the bed - are losening and disconnecting from the mattress. This only increases the discomfort.
You sit up and punch your pillow. You punch it again. Then you put it against your face and scream into it. You hope the pillow muffles your scream, and at the same time, you hope a nurse hears and comes to check on you.
No one comes.
You lift yourself out of bed and pace in your room for a bit. You walk the same circle over and over and over again.
[[Try to sleep again.->Cward 1 Goodnight]]{
(set: $CwardAskForAtivan to true)
}You knock on the door a second time. The woman who was watching Netflix pauses it for a moment and walks over to the door. She opens it.
"Hi Jessica, what do you need?"
[["Can I have an Ativan?"->Cward 1 Direct Ask]]
[["I'm really anxious and I can't sleep."->Cward 1 Indirect Ask]]You wish you could have had an Ativan - it's going to be hell to sleep without one. Still, you press on. You walk through the hall and around the corner to arrive at your room.
Many people have told you that things get better. That it gets easier.
You're not feeling it tonight. Life has never been heavier nor more burdensome. The magic of life has never felt so far away. The hospital is a purgatory. It carries your body through the disconnect, and you only hope you'll find yourself on the other side.
[[Lie down in bed->Cward 1 Stay in bed]]{
(set: $CwardDeniedAtivan to true)
}"Can I please have an Ativan?" you ask.
The nurse responds, "What do you need the ativan for?"
"I need something to help me fall asleep."
She shakes her head. "Ativan doesn't help you sleep," she says. "It is only for dealing with anxiety. I don't like to give it out just for sleep."
"But I was told to come ask if I needed some." In this strange environment, all you want is to fall asleep. You hate that you are reduced to whining.
"//Not for sleep,//" she says more forcefully.
"I'm anxious too," you say, ever hopeful. It's true. If it weren't for the anxiety, you would be unable to fall asleep.
"You're just saying that because you want Ativan."
Of course you're just saying it because you want ativan. You still feel like you have a legitimate reason to use it, but now your desire to end this conversation supersedes your desire for Ativan. You thank her - you're not sure why, but you do - and you walk back to your room.
[[Try to sleep again->Cward 1 Goodnight]] {
(set: $CwardTookAtivan to true)
(set: $AtivanCount to $AtivanCount + 1)
}"I'm really anxious," you say. "I've been trying to sleep, but I just can't stop thinking about Cassandra."
"Cassandra?" she asks, puzzled.
"My cat," you say. "She's dead. She's dead and it's all my fault." You sob. It's not an easy thing to talk about, and you struggle to bury the shame.
"OK," your nurse responds. "I will get you an Ativan." You're not worthy of her sympathy, but at least she's getting what you asked for.
The door shuts in front of you and she walks into an area that you can't see. You press your back against the wall again and wait as patiently as you can.
A few minutes pass and she re-emerges with a pill cup and a small cup of water. She hands both of them to you - you pour the pill into your mouth and you wash it down with water.
"Try to get some sleep," she says. Then, she closes the door.
You stare at the door for a moment as she walks back to her computer. You hope dearly that your mind is processing this experience because right now you're drawing a blank. You turn around and slowly shuffle back to your room.
[[Go to sleep.->Cward 1 Goodnight]]<h2>Inpatient: A Psychiatric Story</h2><h3>Day 2</h3>The noise of activity seeps into your room. Carts rolling around, footsteps clacking on the floor. A new day has begun.
Gradually you remember that you're in a hospital. At first you notice that your bed feels nothing like your real bed at home. As you open your eyes, however, it dawns on you. You piece together what you can of yesterday, and how you got to be in this room. (if: $ERFormed is true)[Your uncomfortable pair of hospital gowns is a further reminder. You would not have worn this to bed if you had a choice.]
**As you roll over on your bed and sit up at the side of it, you hear a loud shriek**.
Your heart races. You don't know what just happened, but you feel the urge to investigate.
[[Exit your room.->D2 Investigate]]{
(set: $Opening to false)
(set: $Outbursts to 0)
(set: $AtivanCount to 0)
(set: $MaxOutbursts to 0)
(save-game: "Restart")
(set: $MoveCount to 0)
}<h2>Inpatient: A Psychiatric Story</h2><h3>Day 1</h3>You've spent a week lying in bed, getting up intermittently to feed yourself. When the phone rings, you ignore it. You don't know if you still have a job, and you don't particularly care either. The world is too draining for that.
You lost a friend two weeks ago. Your cat, Cassandra, passed away. There were signs of sickness the night before, but you decided you would take her to the vet the following day if it still looked bad.
She died in the middle of the night.
You're in a spiral of indifference and hate, as even the most basic of your routines - waking up, checking her food and water - have been interrupted. Occasionally you move in the direction of her food, only to remember. You've spent days upon days remembering.
Your feelings are too intense to rely on their messages. You've lost hope. You're suicidal, and the last place to turn is a hospital.
You pick a hospital. Somewhere you aren't known - somewhere you haven't been before. You call a taxi.
You're there.
[[Go inside->ER Intro]]{
(set: $Opening to true)
(if: (saved-games:) contains "A")[
(display: "Restart Prompt")
](else:)[
(display: "Opening-text")
(print: "
")
(link-goto: "Begin the game.", "Day 1 Heading")
]}
You slide your shoes on and walk out into the hallway to investigate. You hear a woman shouting again.
**"What the fuck are you doing here?!"**
You turn the corner and find the entrance doors. You see Hazel. She is standing a few feet away from a much older man in a grey golf shirt and black pants.
**"I told you not to come! I told you!"**
The man responds softly, "Haze. Haze, you're making a scene."
**"Get the fuck out of here!"**
You aren't sure if you should help or stay out of it. She continues to scream at him and he continues to respond softly and quietly.
Hazel says in a calmer voice, "You are so good at playing the fucking victim, but I know what you did. You know what you did too. I never said you could visit me here. //Get the fuck out!//"
A nurse walks up to her and tries to lead her away. "Hey, Hazel. Come on. Let's go somewhere else."
"Are you going to make him leave?" she responds.
"Yes. You don't want him here, so he will have to leave," the nurse says.
"You can't do that!" the man says. "This is my //daughter!// You can't stop me from seeing my own daughter."
The nurse responds, "She is an adult, and if she doesn't want to see you there's nothing we can do. Please leave."
Hazel is down the hall and inside her room. You're worried.
[[Go to Hazel's room and knock.->D2 Go To Hazel]]You follow Hazel to her room. When you reach the door you knock on it.
"//Go away!//" she says.
[["Hey, it's me."->D2 Hazel Identify Yourself]]
[[Let her be.->D2 Leave Hazel Alone]]{
(set: $D2CheckedOnHazel to true)
}"Hey Hazel?" you say as you stand outside her room.
She pauses for a moment. "Jess?" she responds.
"Yeah," you say, "are you OK?"
Hazel nods. "I'm fine," she says. "Please leave me alone," she adds.
(if: $D2StoodUpForHazel is true)[
You nod. "No sweat." You turn around to walk away but stop yourself. You say, "Hey, um Haze-"
"Don't call me Haze," she fires back.
"Sorry - Hazel. I'm here if you need to talk."
"Thank you," she responds, in a complete reversal. "Thank you. You're a good friend." She suppresses tears as she says it.
](else:)[
You feel a tinge of discomfort, as if she is holding back a stronger reaction to your presence. You take your cue from her and you don't push it.
]
(if: $D2HazelContinue is true)[[[Leave her alone.->D2 Leave Hazel For Room]]](else:)[[[Leave her alone.->D2 Leave Hazel Alone]]]{
(if: $D2CheckedOnHazel is not true)[(set: $D2HazelContinue to true)]
}You walk away from the room. An older woman in a hospital gown walks by. She rolls her eyes and looks at you. "That girl is a handful, right?" She keeps walking.
A scream comes from Hazel's room. "I heard that!"
[[Stand up for Hazel.->D2 Stand up for Hazel Choice]]
[[Stay out of it.->D2 Don't Stand Up For Hazel]]{
(set: $Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
}"Don't be such an asshole! What do you know about Hazel anyway?" you snap, increasingly frustrated and shocked by the situation unfolding.
"I know that she's borderline," responds the woman. She raises her hand to the side of her forehead and twirls her finger around, rudely signifying that Hazel is crazy. "She's crazy. Crazier than all of us combined. Watch yourself around her."
"We're all here for a reason," you retort, "Hazel is my friend."
"OK, OK," says the woman. "I'm speaking from experience. I was once like you. But I can't stop you from shooting yourself in the foot."
She walks off to her room, and you don't follow her.
(if: $D2CheckedOnHazel is true)[[[Go to your room->D2 Leave Hazel For Room]]](else:)[[[Check on Hazel.->D2 Hazel Identify Yourself]]]As you approach your room, you're stuck on the desire to go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day off. Of course, you might need a sedative for that. (if: $CwardAskForAtivan is true)[You recall asking for Ativan last night, and you're not sure it's wise to ask for more right away. (if: $CwardTookAtivan is not true)[Especially because the nurse refused to dispense it for you.](else:)[You were fortunate enough to receive some last night, but you don't want to push your luck.]](else:)[You consider finding out who your nurse is and asking them for Ativan, but you also don't want to push your luck.]
You lie down on your bed. You try to "just notice" your thoughts like you were taught in mindfulness classes.
You //notice// that you miss Cassandra.
You //notice// that you're worried about Hazel.
You //notice// that you think your friendship with Hazel is over.
You //notice// the cruelty and kindness people can operate with in oppressive institutions.
You //notice// that you haven't heard from your best friend yet, and you //notice// that you're having feelings about that. (if: $ERTalkedToJon is true)[Your last interaction with him was loaded. Perhaps you should call.](else:)[Then you remember that Jon may not know you're here. You consider calling.]
[[Find the patient phone and call Jon.->D2 Call Jon]]You find the patient phone and no one is using it. (if: $ERTalkedToJon is true)[You remember that you could dial 9 to get out on the ER phone - hopefully it's the same in here.](else:)[Usually it's simple enough to make outbound calls - most places have you just dial 9.]
You pick up the phone and push 9. The receiver makes a dialtone. Success. You dial Jon's number and listen to it ring. As it rings, you slink down in a chair conveniently placed next to the phone.
//Ring.//
//Ring.//
//Ring.//
"Hello?" a tired voice answers.
"Jon!" you say. "I'm so glad to hear your voice." You're so excited that he picked up, you forget that he was probably sleeping when you called.
"Oh hey Jessica, what's up?"
(if: $ERTalkedToJon is true)[
"I'm still at the hospital."
(if: $ERAskedJon is true)[
"Right," he says. "Listen, I just want to apologize. I wish I could help more."
"No," you say, "I get it. It wasn't fair of me to ask." You aren't sure if this is true or not, but you can't handle conflict with your friends right now.
]](else:)[
"I'm in the hospital."
"Shit," he says sympathetically. "What's going on?"
"I'm suicidal," you say. "It's just so hard to keep going."
]
"Listen Jess," he says, "I will come visit you today after I get off work. Can you hold on until then?"
(if: $ERFormed is true)[You're relieved to hear that someone is going to come see you. "Thank you. I think I can," you say.](else:)[You hope that you're still here when he comes by, but you'll take any opportunity to see him now "Thank you. I think I can," you say - ever hopeful..]
"No problem," he responds. "It will be good to catch up."
"Yes. Yes it will." Amidst all the suicidal feelings, talking to Jon is an island of peace and calm.
You still haven't told him about how Cassandra died. You've buried yourself in shame, and you honestly don't know how to talk about this. He doesn't ask what happened either, and you don't particularly mind. (if: $ERCatTalk is true)[It's hard enough to tell a stranger who doesn't know you, who you'll never see again - the vulnerability it takes to tell a close friend is beyond you.](else:)[You couldn't even tell a complete stranger you'll never see again. The thought of telling Jon makes you feel so intensely vulnerable - beyond what you feel capable of managing.]
As the conversation continues, your fatigue increases. At first you encourage him to tell you about his job, his life - anything to get your mind off of being in a hospital.
The background noise persists.
[[Continue.->D2 Call Jon 2]](set: $ERTalkedToJon to false)
(set: $ERAskedJon to false)
(set: $ERFormed to true)
} DEBUG
[[D2 Call Jon]](set: $ERTalkedToJon to true)
(set: $ERAskedJon to false)
(set: $ERFormed to false)
} DEBUG
[[D2 Call Jon]]{
(set: $ERTalkedToJon to true)
(set: $ERAskedJon to true)
(set: $ERFormed to false)
} DEBUG
[[D2 Call Jon]]{
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
}
Five minutes pass. You're still on the phone. A patient - a short man with dark hair who can't be older than 25 - stands at the wall next to you, pressing his back against it. He mumbles to himself, then glances over at you.
He touches his forehead a few times and then looks at you. You try to ignore him, but he is shifting closer and closer into your personal space.
You become a little distracted during your phone call because of this. You look up.
[[Aggressively defend your personal space.->D2 Aggressive Response]]
[[Gently inform him that you're uncomfortable.->D2 Gentle Response]]
[[Stay quiet and try to ignore him.->D2 Ignore]]{
(set: $D2AggressiveResponse to true)
(set: $D2PersonalSpaceReacted to true)
(set: $D2JonWitnessedAggressive to true)
(set: $Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
}"Wait a sec, Jon, there's a problem," you say as you watch the man tower over you.
In a moment you stand up, set the phone down on the chair, and scowl at him. You are a bit taller than him and you lean closer in an attempt to intimidate him.
"Get out of my space!" you demand.
He frowns as he looks up at you. "What did I do wrong?" His face turns bright red. "God I hate the women in this place." He turns around and steps away from you. He shouts to the common room, "Bitch!"
For all the legitimacy of defending your personal space, you can't help but feel a bit bad for him. He's obviously in a lot of distress. Sometimes you don't stand up for yourself because you can't shake the guilt that comes with matching another person's aggression. And this time, like usual, you're second guessing your reactions.
You pick up the phone. Jon immediately says, "Jess, what just happened?"
You shake your head, not knowing what to say. You hear a shout in the distance, "Quit your whining, you creep!" It's Hazel, at your defense. Even with this, it still feels wrong.
[[Wrap things up with Jon.->D2 Jon Wrap Things Up]]{
(set: $D2AggressiveResponse to false)
(set: $D2PersonalSpaceReacted to true)
}"Hang on a sec, Jon," you say as you look up at the man who is now basically towering over you.
He makes eye contact and doesn't say anything. You're trembling a bit, but you hope he doesn't notice.
"Excuse me," you say, looking him in the eye. He remains quiet. "You're making me uncomfortable," you assert.
"Oh!" he exclaims, "But I was just lining up for the phone."
No apology, unfortunately. Still, it feels like you can end this encounter rather peacefully.
[["I'll come get you when I'm done."->D2 PS Helpful]]
[["I need you to give me space."->D2 PS Assertive]]{
(set: $D2PersonalSpaceReacted to false)
(set: $D2IgnoredTim to true)
}You're physically affected by his invasion of your space, but you don't feel up to starting a fight over it. It seems better not to aggravate anyone. You don't know his story - you don't know why he's doing this. (if: $ERYelledAtDoctor is true)[You're still embarrassed about your outbursts from yesterday - though everyone has their moments.](else:)[And you don't want to become known for aggression here either.]
You take a deep breath and try to tolerate the discomfort. You feel the urge to wrap things up with Jon as quickly as you can.
In fact, it feels like there is no other choice.
[[Tell Jon that you have to go.->D2 Jon Wrap Things Up]]"I'll come get you when I'm done," you say. And with that you cross your fingers, hoping that he understands.
"OK," he says and walks over to the TV area to sit down.
That worked out well. While you aren't exactly thrilled about bartering for personal space, it feels better than being aggressive. The nurses will probably agree with you too. You feel relieved that no one is crossing into your space anymore - relieved enough to continue the conversation.
Soon enough you forget about that man. Talking to Jon usually leaves you feeling better. You can tell he's trying to make you laugh. You can't laugh, but you appreciate the effort.
About ten more minutes pass, and Jon tells you that he has to get up and get ready for work. "Sorry for waking you," you tell him, but you're so relieved to talk to him that you're not //that// sorry. You say your goodbyes, and you hang up the phone.
Do you still want to go find that man and tell him you're done with the phone?
[[Yes, you're feeling helpful today.->D2 PS Be Helpful]]
[[No, you are not feeling helpful today.->D2 PS Don't Be Helpful]]{
(set: $D2Entitled to true)
}"I need you to give me space," you assert.
"Space? I'm //just// waiting for the phone," he whines, "it's not like I'm eavesdropping." You shudder. This isn't going the way you need it to.
"No," you say, "You're standing too close to me. //Personal space//." You wonder what would happen if you took a more helpful approach, but that isn't exactly your job. It's not fair to have to placate people like this, especially when they're making you uncomfortable.
"Women are all the same," he retorts. "I'm not touching you! I'm not doing //anything// wrong!"
You sigh. You're not sure what his issue is, but you don't care all that much either at this point. You start to wish that you took a more aggressive stance from the start, but his whining is hard enough to deal with.
[[Finish the call->D2 Jon Wrap Things Up]]You roll your eyes and ignore it. What she said was rude, but it's better to not get involved in these battles if you can avoid it. Also, you don't know Hazel very well anyway.
The old woman walks away. You notice a limp in her walk.
You wonder how Hazel is doing. (if: $D2CheckedOnHazel is true)[You wonder, but you don't want to push it.]
(if: $D2CheckedOnHazel is true)[[[Go to your room->D2 Leave Hazel For Room]]](else:)[[[Check on Hazel.->D2 Hazel Identify Yourself]]]{
(set: $D2JonAskLater to true)
}"Hey Jon," you say, "I think it would be better for me to go."
(if: $D2JonWitnessedAggressive is true)[
"What's going on?" he asks. "Are you doing OK?"
You frown, and nod, though he can't see you nod. "Yeah I'm fine. Can you ask me again when you get here?" You're not actually fine, but you'd rather not talk about it right now.
"Oh, sure, yeah."
"Thanks," you say.
](else:)[
"Did I say something? Are you OK?" he asks.
"I can't explain it right now," you say, "but it's best if I look for my food tray now." Breakfast will be served soon, and it's the best excuse you can come up with.
"Of course," Jon responds. "Do you want me to ask later?"
"If you want, but it's really nothing." It's not nothing, but you don't want to draw attention to yourself right now.
]
"I'll see you later on tonight."
"Thank you," you say. "Goodbye."
"See ya."
You hang up the phone on the receiver and walk away. You see Hazel down the hall(if: $D2IgnoredTim is not true)[, and two nurses are heading in your direction to see what the commotion is.](else:)[.] You walk in Hazel's direction, hoping to join her.
[[Walk away.->D2 Join Hazel]]You walk over to Hazel. She smiles as you approach. "Hey, Jess!"
"Hey Haze!" you reply.
"Um, I don't like being called that," she responds.
Confused as ever but wanting to follow her preferences, you respond, "Oh, of course - sorry Hazel."
"It's fine. Are you OK? I saw what happened over there."
"That guy is such a creep," you respond. You don't honestly know what else to say. You cross your arms and clutch your elbows tightly.
"His name is Tim. I've seen him before - he's always harassing people, most are just too polite to tell him off." She pauses for a moment, watching your reactions carefully.
(if: $D2AggressiveResponse is true)[
When you don't fill the silence right away, she continues. "I love how you told him off. What a whiner, right?"
"I hope he thinks twice before doing that again," you respond. "It wasn't exactly what I came here for."
She nods. "I hope they'll throw him in a locked room."
](else-if: $D2Entitled is true)[
When you don't fill the silence right away, she continues. "I love how you told him off. What a whiner, right?"
"Entitled, more like," you respond. "I can't stand men like him."
"Well, there are //lots// of 'em in here so best you put your foot down early."
](else:)[
You look down feeling, somewhat embarrassed, as if she was just talking about you. She notices her mistake right away and tries to reassure you, "Hey, Jess, don't think I was talking about you."
You look up. "You weren't?"
"No," she says. "He's a creep, legit. It's not your fault. Next time I'll punch him in the face for you, all right?"
]
You nod quietly. You feel conflicted about Hazel's brand of empathy, but you appreciate having a friend who cares that someone creeped on you.
The PA system turns on and you hear a loud crackling announcement. **"Breakfast is now being served in the dining area. Remember to wash your hands, and put your tray back when you're done."**
Hazel says, "//Finally.// I'm starved."
You nod in agreement. "Me too."
"Hey, let's grab a spot together!"
"Sure!" It's a relief that you made a friend this early, though your stomach tightens as you think about your inevitable transfer. You hope you both get transferred to the same place. (if: $ERFormed is true)[That is, if you'll even be transferred at all.]
[[Grab your tray.->D2 Breakfast Start]]{
(set: $D2TimHugSituation to true)
}You see him sitting on the couch. The TV is on, and it plays a 24 hour news channel - you wonder if anyone actually likes this channel, or if it's just the default because no one wants to plan a TV schedule for an entire psychiatric ward.
You stand in front of him, but you keep your distance. Despite negotiating this successfully, you aren't //quite// comfortable with being near him.
"Hey, the phone's free now."
He stands up. "Thank you, dear." He moves in to hug you.
[[Hug back.->D2 PS Hug Back]]
[[Put your hand out and step back.->D2 PS Push Away]]{
(set: $D2Passive to true)
}You think for a moment about what to do. You notice that even the idea of "being helpful" in this situation is not without its complications - specifically the fact that you agreed to help him under durress. The intense guilt threatens to take over, but you know in your heart that taking care of yourself is the best thing right now. Talking to someone who made you uncomfortable is not taking care of yourself.
In response to the guilt you remind yourself over and over again - you are standing up for yourself, and his feelings are not more important than your own self-respect.
You see Hazel down the hall - she has left her room. You move in her direction to join her.
[[Join Hazel.->D2 Join Hazel]]{
(set: $D2Passive to true)
}He closes his arms around you and hugs you. Your heart begins to race, and your muscles tighten as you politely raise one arm and gently pat his left shoulder. You refuse to return the full embrace. You close your eyes, and wait for the uncomfortable moment to be over.
He unwraps his arms and turns toward the patient phone. As he does this, you watch him, trembling in rage and fear. You turn your head to the right and you see Hazel standing where the hall begins.
[[Go talk to Hazel.->D2 Join Hazel]]{
(set: $D2Entitled to true)
}You put your hand out in front of you and step back to make some space between you and the man. "Whoa, stop that!" you say.
He frowns. "What am I doing wrong?"
You shake your head, exhasperated. "No hugs. Just go make your phone call, all right?" You don't see the value in explaining to him what sexual harrassment means.
"Fine. I thought you were a nice girl." He turns toward the phone and walks away, whimpering to himself. You want to point out to him that you, in fact, were being nice. Once again, you just don't have the words for his brand of entitlement.
You see Hazel out of the corner of your eye. In desperate need of company - non-creepy company - you decide to join her.
[[Walk over to Hazel.->D2 Join Hazel]]You walk up to the cart and look through the different trays. Each one has the patient's full name, sex, and birthdate on it. You scan them as quickly as you can while the crowd piles up behind you.
You find it.
<hr/>**Jessica Meredith Gonzales
DOB: August 23, 1985
DIET: Standard, no known allergies
BREAKFAST
1 cup coffee (decaf)
1 pkt sugar
1 milkette
1 pkt margarine
1 pkt pepper
1 cranberry juice
1 milk (250ml)
1 srv marble cheddar light
1 srv ww toast
1 hard boiled egg
2 plastic spoon
1 napkin**<hr/>
You try to suppress your laughter as you read the list. "Decaf coffee? Cheese? //Diet cheese?!// So, what, do they just vacuum all the fat out?" you exclaim.
Hazel chimes in. "If two food items are roughly equivalent, the hospital will feed you whichever tastes worse. But hey, let's sit down and cram this into our bellies."
You laugh. You feel like you're laughing for the first time since you got in. Maybe the prospect of food triggers the pleasure centre of your brain - you don't actually believe that theory because no part of you expects the food to taste good.
You grab a seat at a table with Hazel.
[[Eat breakfast.->D2 Eat Breakfast]]You pick up the hard boiled egg. It is lukewarm at best. As is your coffee. You take one sip of it and exclaim, "Is this what passes for coffee in here?!"
Hazel reaches across the table and grabs your coffee off of your tray. "More for me!" she says.
You pause a moment and consider addressing that she just took something off of your tray without asking, but you hold back your comments. You're just grateful that someone is keeping you company.
"Hazel," you say as you chip away at the egg's exterior with your plastic spoon, "can I ask a personal question?"
"Yes!" Hazel exclaims. It's almost as if she has been //waiting// for you to ask a personal question.
At once you find this obnoxious and charming. "Well don't get too excited about it," you say.
She laughs. "OK, OK, but seriously, what do you want to know about me?"
You take a deep breath. "I'm just wondering, um, how did you end up here?"
She looks like she's holding back laughter. You ask, "What is it, Hazel? Is it that funny?"
"Basically I was texting while drunk," she responds.
"What did you text?"
She is still holding back laughter - in fact it seems to be intensifying. "I kind of, um, threatened my abusive father, I guess?"
You tilt your head and lean back a little bit - not so much that she will notice, or at least you hope she doesn't notice your reaction. Then you realize she's laughing about it. You look down at your food and you pick up the 'toast', contrasting the burn marks on it against its spongy exterior.
"OK, so like, I don't actually know what happened because the nurses won't let me see my phone. I was binge drinking that night after visiting him, and I guess I was a tiny bit impulsive."
All it takes is this conversation to put everything in perspective for you. You can't shake the deep shame of letting your cat die - at least that's how you remember it. Still, at least it wasn't intentional.
You look up from the food and see that she is still holding back laughter. "All right - all right! Now you have to tell me why you're in here."
[[Tell her about Cassandra.->D2 Breakfast Tell Hazel]]
[[Don't mention Cassandra.->D2 Breakfast Don't Tell Hazel]]{
(set: $D2TellHazelCat to true)
}"OK," you say, "Listen. This is actually really hard for me. (if: $ERCatTalk is true)[I haven't told anyone - except the ER doctor."
She nods. "OK - so you did tell more than one person! The entire nursing staff. See, you're strong like that. You can tell me too."
You can't contain your laughter. Hazel sure knows how to put a spin on something. You're starting to enjoy her sense of humour.
](else:)[I honestly haven't said it to anyone. Not even a psychiatrist."
She nods. "Well, who better to tell than someone you just met? I don't bite. Try me."
]
You say, "I denied my cat medical care and she died 12 hours later."
"That's all?" she responds.
"Yeah," you say. "That's all."
"Shit girl, why the build-up?" she exclaims. "I thought you were going to tell me that you molested a baby or something. Is that really it?"
You nod. Her gross comment aside, you breathe a sigh of relief and start to feel a bit better. Or at least, a bit more able to talk about it with someone else. "It ... I guess it was an accident," you add.
"No shit it was an accident!" she responds. "I give you permission to stop feeling guilty about this."
You smile. "Thank you, Hazel."
[[Finish eating.->D2 Breakfast Finish]]You take a deep breath, but at the last moment decide that you can't reveal what you're so ashamed of. After watching Hazel laugh so hard at her reason for being hospitalized, you're not entirely sure you can handle a similar response.
"I'm suicidal," you say sadly. "There really isn't much else to it."
She nods. "I've been there Jess."
You nod too. "Thank you." Perhaps she //can// handle hearing the entire thing.
[[Just tell her.->D2 Breakfast Tell Hazel]]
[[Leave it at that.->D2 Really Don't Tell Hazel]]You finish eating as much of the food as you can stomach. Which is a fair bit of it, it turns out. You left the cheese after one bite - too dry and crumbly. You're not in the mood for hospital cheese yet. You only ate one piece of bread - you refuse to call it toast.
Hazel happily takes what you did not eat, and you're grateful that she didn't pressure you over how much you ate. You've found in the past that you have to be hungry enough for hospital food, and that usually takes a few days.
You move to return your tray, and you end up waiting behind Tim. Tim! Of all people. You avert your eyes and wait patiently for the awkward moment to be over.
When you're finished with that, you wave goodbye to Hazel and head to your room to lie down.
[[Stare at the ceiling.->D2 Lying Down]]Hazel can probably tell that you're holding something back. You're rather transparent that way. She doesn't push, though. You take a deep breath and try to direct the conversation elsewhere, though at this point your attempts at conversation are rather forced.
[[Finish Eating->D2 Breakfast Finish]](if: $ERFormed is true)[You wonder when and where you're going to be transferred. Or if. The hospital seems busy right now. You hear gurneys rolling past you in the hallway. Lots of noise and chatter as the nurses make their rounds.](else:)[You contemplate what is going to happen when you see the doctor today. Discharge, probably - your stomach tightens as you think about it. There must be a way to convince them to let you stay. You remember that you told your nurse last night about your suicide plan - hopefully she passed it along.]
In the distance you hear a man repeatedly crying for help. You alternate between staring at the ceiling and closing your eyes. You consider going to bug Hazel just for the company, but you're also quite tired from all the stimulation.
The harsh fluorescent light leaks into the doorway. You close your eyes and try to block it out, but it doesn't seem to be working.
You spend a lot of time sitting and pondering when you're in hospital.
Someone knocks on the door.
[["Who is it?"->D2 Morning Nurse]]"Who is it?"
A young woman's voice responds. "I'm Tara, your nurse today. Can I come in?"
You're delighted that she even asked. "Of course," you respond.
A young woman with black, curly hair and dark-brown skin enters the room. She stands across from you and smiles. "How are you doing today?" she asks.
What would you like to tell her?
[[Tell her that you're feeling hopeless.->D2 Nurse Feeling Hopeless]]
[[Tell her that you want to go home.->D2 Nurse Want Home]]"Hopeless," You say, and it's the truth. Right now you are feeling completely hopeless and powerless. (if: $ERFormed is true)[You glace down at your hospital gown - you weren't even allowed to keep your clothing. You feel detached from your sense of self.](else:)[One of your worst fears is being sent home like this, yet still, you desperately want the freedom.] The hospital is not a fun place to be.
Tara nods. "I'm glad you're here," she says. "It sounds like coming to the hospital was the right choice."
(if: $ERFormed is true)[
"Tell that to my doctor." You don't mean to sound so grumpy - it just slipped out.
"Yes, I know they said overnight only," she responds. "Chanelle said that you have a rather serious suicide plan."
"I guess so," you respond. You don't actually know what constitutes a serious plan anymore. You've been-there-done-that so many times. It's anyone's guess, really.
](else:)[
"Thanks," you respond. You don't mean to be stand-offish, you just never know what to say when someone else is complimenting your judgment.
She nods empathetically. "Well, I am glad that you came in. I know this place isn't //perfect//, but I really hope it's helpful."
"Helpful?" you respond.
"I hope we can get you back on the right track again."
You nod.
]
[[Continue->D2 Nurse Questions]]"I want to go home," you say.
"That's understandable," she responds. "(if: $ERFormed is true)[Unfortunately I can't tell you when you're going to be discharged. You'll have to talk to the doctor.](else:)[You'll have to talk to your doctor about that. You told Chanelle about a rather serious suicide plan last night - I can't let you leave just yet.]"
It's not too surprising. The nurses always tell you to talk to the doctor. You find it funny that the decision makers in the hospital only see you very briefly, once per day, and not at all during weekends.
(if: $ERFormed is not true)[
You think about your options. It's probably possible to sign yourself out against medical advice, though you make a mental note to speak to Hazel before leaving for good.
]
[[Continue.->D2 Nurse Questions]]"Can you tell me a little bit about why you came in last night?" Tara asks.
"I made a huge mistake," you say.
"With what?" she asks.
(if: $D2TellHazelCat is true or $ERCatTalk is true)[[[Talk about Cassandra.->D2 Ask Cat]]](else:)[[[Try to talk about Cassandra->D2 Nurse Fail To Talk About Cat]]]
[[You can't talk about it right now.->D2 Can't Talk Cat]]{
(set: $D2TaraTalkedAboutCat to true)
(set: $GTalkedAboutCat to true)
}"My cat died. I thought I could take her to the vet in the morning, and she died overnight."
Tara frowns empathetically when she looks at you. "It's hard to know what the best thing to do is. It sounds like you did the best you could, and I'm sure you gave her a really good life."
You nod. It doesn't make you feel much better. "All right," you say.
"Lots of people won't take their animals to the vet at all," she adds.
"I know," you respond, "but I'm basically as bad as they are. Because I //didn't// take her to the vet, and she died."
Tara responds candidly, "Listen. (if: $ERCatTalk is not true)[I didn't realize this happened, because I didn't find it in your ER notes. However, you](else:)[You] need to find a way out of this circle."
"This circle?" you ask.
She continues, "Yes. You seem to be stuck on this. Could earlier treatment have saved her? You don't know. You'll never know. But it's important to accept reality as it is, and it's important to grieve your losses. I'm afraid that if you remain stuck on this point about the vet, you will have a much harder time honouring her life and your friendship."
How are you feeling about what Tara just told you?
[[Angry.->D2 Tara Angry]]
[[Neutral.->D2 Tara Neutral]]
[[Accepting.->D2 Tara Accepting]]
{
(set: $D2TaraTalkedAboutCat to false)
}"I can't talk about it," you say.
"Jessica, I'd like you to try."
You respond with silence. There isn't much to say.
She frowns and nods. "Well, Jessica, here's the concern on my end of it." You look up at her. She holds a serious expression as she looks back at you. "I can't help you effectively if you don't tell me what's going on with you. I'm going to leave it for now, but later on I'd like you to try again."
Something about her reaction terrifies you. You feel sick to your stomach at the thought of revisiting this later in the day.
You're touched that she cares, though. She says something rather mundane as she prepares to leave the room. Something about how the doctor should be seeing you soon. You're so lost in this that you don't really pay attention.
She moves to turn around, but she stops for a moment and looks you in the eye. "Please remember," she says. "I'm not mad at you. I just want to help." She walks out the door.
[[Get some quiet rest.->D2 Doctor Appointment Begins]]Your failed attempts to talk about this with either Hazel or the hospital staff have left you feeling quite discouraged and disconnected. The idea of sharing this with someone - truly sharing it - is equivalent to your fear of death and the unknown. Still, you give it a shot.
"My cat died," you say.
"What happened?" Tara asks.
"My cat died, and it's all my fault," you respond. You hope, deep down, that it's not true. You're don't feel up to clarifying it any further.
"How is it your fault?" she asks.
"It just is," you respond.
"Look," Tara says, "I know that these things are hard to talk about, but if you keep pushing it deep inside of you, you may never get the relief or understanding that you crave."
You give her the most puzzled look - you are honestly surprised to get a response like that. You think it over carefully.
[[Just tell her.->D2 Ask Cat]]
[[You can't do it.->D2 Can't Talk Cat]]She was lecturing you, and you know it. And you're frustrated that she couldn't keep her reactions in check. This isn't the kind of response you'd expect from most nurses or therapists. Or at least, this isn't the kind of response that would work for you.
You enter a new mental circle, where you repeatedly justify to yourself why you're reacting this way in the first place. The tension rises.
Do you want to tell her about your frustration?
(if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[[[Tell her that you're frustrated.->D2 Tell Tara Angry Ineffectively]]](else:)[[[Tell her that you're frustrated.->D2 Tell Tara Angry Assertively]]]
[[Leave it alone.->D2 Don't Tell Tara]]You're not sure if you actually feel neutral about this or if you're just trying to push the real feelings away. In reality you feel numb after her speech. You want to respond to her assertions, but you don't know what you'll say. You're effectively frozen.
She adds, "Listen, Jessica. I just care. I want you to get the best help you possibly can. Will you be OK until the doctor talks to you?"
You nod slowly. You will be absolutely fine. With that, she walks out of the room and leaves you to think about things.
[[Get some quiet rest.->D2 Doctor Appointment Begins]]While many might get frustrated over such a candid reaction, there is a part of you that really appreciates it. You're just not fully in touch with that part of you yet.
"OK," you say quietly.
"Now Jessica," she says, "I'm not trying to bully you. I just care. Will you be OK until you see the doctor?"
You nod. "Yes," you say.
"OK. Great talking to you." You think she means it, but you're still somewhat on guard. It's hard to know, in this place.
[[Get some quiet rest.->D2 Doctor Appointment Begins]]{
(set: $D2RadicalAcceptance to true)
}You feel as though you've kept your cool for the most part during this crisis. (if: $Outbursts > 0)[There have been a few tense moments, but the general trajectory stands.](else:)[In fact, you've been an angel, all things considered.] You decide to try to explain it assertively.
You take a deep breath and give it a shot. "I understand that you want to help me get out of a cycle, and I appreciate you pointing out that cycle to me, but it also feels like you're lecturing me and that doesn't work for me."
She nods. "That's fine," she says, but you're not certain what she means by it. Fine that you said something? Fine that you feel that way? Was she just acknowledging your statement? Before you can think about it too much, she adds, "I still want you to practice radical acceptance."
"Radical acceptance?" you ask.
"Yes. Accepting your reality fully without judgment. Accept yourself as you are, and accept the situation as it is."
"What does it mean to accept my reality?"
"It's as simple as acknowledging what happened for what it is, and not bargaining or trying to fight it."
You nod. You aren't sure how you're going to radically accept this situation, but you recognize that there is a conflict inside of you. You are bargaining with the past.
"Do you understand this?" she asks.
"I will try," you say.
[[Get some quiet rest.->D2 Radical Acceptance]]"It looks like you have a thought. What is it?" she asks, seeing that you're visibly upset.
"Nothing," you say.
"OK," she responds, though she seems skeptical. It was nice of her to ask, but you're not able to verbalize your complaints right now. It's still raw, painful, and probably anything she could say would sting in its own way.
In the past you've learned not to express yourself when you're feeling something this intense. You wonder if this is in your best interests, but you don't want to make anything worse.
She breaks the silence, "OK Jessica. We will continue this later. Doctor shouldn't be too long." She exits the room quite quickly. You try not to read into it.
[[Get some quiet rest.->D2 Doctor Appointment Begins]]Your struggles to communicate your anger effectively during this hospitalization suggests that you don't handle frustration well during a crisis. And who can blame you? But it makes it a challenge to respond to Tara effectively.
You struggle to explain it or find words. "I just - why don't you have any compassion?"
She tilts her head. "It's not that I don't have compassion, Jessica. My job is to help get you out of this crisis."
You shake your head. "It won't work if you talk to me like //that//."
She responds, "OK Jessica, I think it would be good if we both took some space from this. We can talk later, right?"
You nod. "Yeah, I definitely need space."
You're proud of yourself for keeping your cool as much as you did. It was hard, but you feel proud of yourself for not shoving the feelings deep inside of you.
Tara leaves the room.
[[Get some quiet rest.->D2 Doctor Appointment Begins]]{
(set: $D2StoodUpForHazel to true)
(set: $D2LearnedHazelBPD to true)
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
}What would you like to tell this woman?
[["Don't be such an asshole!"->D2 Stand up for Hazel Aggressively]]
[["I refuse to have this conversation with you."->D2 Stand up for Hazel Assertively]]"I refuse to have this conversation with you," you say shortly, hoping that she'll keep her mean-spirited comments to herself.
"You know she's borderline, right?" she responds.
You take a deep breath and continue your course. "I //said// I am not doing this with you. Find someone else to gossip with."
"She's crazy! Watch yourself," she calls back to you as she walks toward your room. You don't give her the satisfaction of responding in kind.
(if: $D2CheckedOnHazel is true)[[[Go to your room->D2 Leave Hazel For Room]]](else:)[[[Check on Hazel.->D2 Hazel Identify Yourself]]]With your eyes shut, you allow your mind to drift away. You roll in and out of sleep for a short period of time. Perhaps a half hour. It's a very comfortable drift.
A knock wakes you. It's Tara. "Jessica, the psychiatrist is ready to see you." You sit up slowly. "She's just in here," she says to someone outside.
A middle-aged man walks into the room. "Hello, Jessica. I'm Dr. Wagner." He looks as though he's going to shake your hand.
[[Shake his hand.->D2 Wagner Shake Hand]]
[[Don't shake his hand.->D2 Wagner Don't Shake Hand]]After she leaves, you lie back in your bed and close your eyes, imagining a world in which you can accept what happened. This is extremely hard for you, in no small part because of the contradiction - how can you exist in a world where you cared about your cat and yet allowed her to die?
You wonder if "allowed her to die" is a judgmental statement or if it's acknowledging reality. You go in circles like this, writing and re-writing in your head what it looks like to accept this reality.
After some time, you give up and close your eyes.
[[Take a nap.->D2 Doctor Appointment Begins]]You reach your hand out, and he grips you and shakes firmly. You don't try nearly as hard, but then again, you're the one who's depressed.
"Shall we begin?" He asks.
You nod quietly.
[[Start appointment.->D2 Wagner Start]] You nervously hold your hands back and stare at his extended arm. He holds it out for a moment, chuckles, and draws it back.
"Shall we begin?" he asks.
You nod quietly.
[[Start appointment.->D2 Wagner Start]] "I was reading your notes," he says as he flips throw a few pages. "I understand that Dr. Marion put you on a form and it's not up for ... ah, two more days."
You nod.
"Because you are on the form, I think it's appropriate to keep things that way for now."
You nod again. There isn't much to say about that.
"For the time being, I'm not comfortable giving you any passes. I want to make sure that you're stable first."
No passes for a while, it seems. How do you feel about this?
[[Relieved.->D2 Wagner No Passes Relief]]
[[Frustrated.->D2 Wagner Pass Argue]]
Dr. Wagner studies you carefully. "Here's the thing, here's my dilemma of sorts," he starts. "I see that you were admitted on a voluntary basis, and you are to be discharged today."
You nod. Your muscles are quite tense, as you're unsure of what direction this is going.
"Now, I saw in Chanelle's notes that you weren't only contemplating suicide - but that you also have a very serious plan."
You nod again, and you're grateful that someone is getting it.
"Because of your health, I do think that a form is the best thing for you, but sometimes they can be detrimental."
You nod in agreement.
"Basically - I would like you to stay here, and I would like to invite you to stay as a voluntary patient. How does that sound?"
[[Stay as voluntary.->D2 Wagner Stay Voluntary]]
[[Go home.->D2 Wagner Get Formed.]]He looks down at his clipboard and scribbles a few things down before he speaks. "My understanding is that you came to the hospital because you were suicidal. (if: $GTalkedAboutCat is true)[I also heard something about the loss of a pet.](else-if: $ERMentionedCat is true)[I know you mentioned something about the loss of a pet, but perhaps you can fill me in.](else:)[I'd like to know a bit more about this crisis - what happened before you came to hospital, that stuff.]"
(if: $ERMentionedCat is true)[
You recall that slip of the tongue when talking to Dr. Marion in the ER. You didn't really want to talk about Cassandra. You still don't, but you're afraid of being discharged.
]
"My cat. She's dead, and it's my fault."
(if: $D2TaraTalkedAboutCat is true)[
He responds, "I believe Tara spoke with you about this spiral you're in. Is there any other way to think about this?"
](else:)[
He responds, "That sounds a bit like black and white thinking to me. Is there another way to look at it?"
]
You nod slowly. "I guess so." It's really hard to shake the dizzying self-hatred. (if: $D2RadicalAcceptance is true)[You think back to Tara's lecture on radical acceptance. You wonder if that might help.] You still doubt that anything can help.
(if: $ERFormed is true)[[[Continue.->D2 Wagner Start Formed]]](else:)[[[Continue.->D2 Wagner Start Voluntary]]]{
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
}"I can stay here voluntarily," you say. Getting formed isn't your favorite thing. You'd lose access to your clothing and most of your personal items. For your comfort alone, you'd rather be voluntary, even if you're just voluntary on paper.
Dr. Wagner responds, "Great. I'm glad you can agree to that. I'm going to hold your passes for now, because I don't think it's safe."
Your stomach tightens. No passes? You remember that Jon is coming by after work. "What about accompanied passes?" you asked, ever hopeful.
"I'm not comfortable with that right now," he responds.
[["Well I //am// comfortable!"->D2 Wagner Pass Argue]]
[[Accept the situation quietly.->D2 Wagner Pass Accept]]{
(set: $D2Formed to true)
(set: $Formed to true)
(set: $DayFormIsUp to 5)
}"I really just want to go home," you say. "I don't know how helpful it will be to stay."
Dr. Wagner takes a deep breath and looks at you with a serious expression. "Listen Jessica, I know that you want to go home, but I'm afraid for you when you get there."
You freeze a little as you know where this is going.
"I think it was a mistake to not put you on a form already," he says. "I'm very glad that you're still here," he adds.
You tense your arms.
"I'm going to put you on a form 1. It's nothing major - just a 72 hour hold while we figure out what's going on and how to stabilize you."
You nod. You already saw this coming. Last night you wanted this so badly - but now? You're not so sure. You look to the floor. It's just 72 hours. It's not forever.
You keep reminding yourself that it's not forever. "Does this mean I can't have passes?" you ask.
He nods. "Right now I am very concerned about you. Again, like I said, I don't understand the rationale for sending you home today, particularly after what you told Chanelle last night."
"OK," you say. There isn't much else to say. He will do what he wants, and you just have to manage.
[[Continue.->D2 Wagner Safety Plan]]{
(set: $D2WagnerArgued to true)
(set: $Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
}"Well, I //am// comfortable!" you shoot back.
He shakes his head. "Look-"
"No, //you// look!" you interrupt. "Can you imagine what it's like to be stuck in here all day long?"
"I imagine it's not the most pleasant thing," he responds.
"I can't even have an accompanied pass? Seriously?" you snap back.
"Jessica," he starts. "No one likes being here without passes. I get that. Speaking as a psychiatrist, it would be unethical and negligent to send you back out into the world."
You can tell that he's holding back a lot of frustration. You realize this is getting nowhere, so you stop. "Fine," you say.
[[Continue.->D2 Wagner Safety Plan]]You look at the floor, struggling to make eye contact with Dr. Wagner. You frown. You aren't comforted by the fact that you can't go out on a pass, but you do accept it.
"Everything OK, Jessica?" he asks.
"Sure," you respond. "I don't like that I can't go outside, but that's fine."
"It's the best thing right now," he says.
You know that you can accept reality, but you don't like it. You'll probably still have a nice visit with Jon, even though you can't go outside.
[[Continue.->D2 Wagner Safety Plan]]"Have you ever made a safety plan?" he asks.
You shake your head. "No," you respond. "What is that?"
"We have a handout," he says, and retrieves a sheet of paper from his folder. He passes it over to you. "Try to look it over and fill it out."
"OK," you respond and look over the sheet. It's pretty basic fill-in-the-blanks stuff. You're skeptical that such a plan will even make a difference when you're suicidal, but it's something to do while you're here.
"I'm sure Tara would be happy to sit down with you to look it over," he adds.
You look at the page in front of you.
[[Agree to do a safety plan.->D2 Wagner Safety Plan Agree]]
[[Admit that you're skeptical.->D2 Wagner Safety Plan Skeptical]]
"I didn't see it in your notes," he says. "Do you take any medication?"
"No," you respond. You experience a surge of anxiety at the simple mention of medication. Your depression has been treatment resistant thus far, and medication wouldn't be your first choice.
"All right," he says. "I'm going to start you on an antidepressant. Have you ever tried mirtazapine?"
You shake your head.
"OK. We're going to start you on that today then."
You nod. Sometimes you find these conversations frustrating because often your consent is assumed. The onus is on you to say no or question things. Despite the fact that you're OK with starting mirtazapine, you're frustrated with this process that eschews checking-in.
Do you want to mention this frustration?
[[No, it's not worth it.->D2 Wagner Consent Pass]]
(if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[[[Try to express your anger assertively.->D2 Wagner Consent Mention Ineffectively]]](else:)[[[Try to express your anger assertively.->D2 Wagner Consent Mention Assertively]]]"How long will I be here?" you ask.
He responds, "I don't think you'll be here for too long, but right now it's best to play it by ear.(if: $Formed is true)[ Right now your form is up in (text: $DayFormIsUp - 2) days.]"
[[Continue.->D2 Wagner Questions]]"All right," he says. "It's been nice meeting you. I will talk to the staff about transferring you to general psychiatry when a bed is available. It should be sometime today, if you can hold on."
"OK," you respond.
"Lunch will be soon. Hopefully you're transferred not long after."
"Thanks," you say. You mean it, too.
You rest on the bed with your back against the wall. The wall is cool to the touch. (if: $ERFormed is true)[The cold seeps through your light hospital gown, and it feels quite nice.] It's a very grounding sensation.
[[Try to relax.->D2 Relax]]
[[Work on your safety plan.->D2 Pen]]Dr. Wagner asks, "Do you have any remaining questions for me?"
"How long will I be here?" you ask.
He responds, "I don't think you'll be here for too long, but right now it's best to play it by ear.(if: $Formed is true)[ Right now your form is up in (text: $DayFormIsUp - 2) days.]"
[[No more questions.->D2 Wagner End]]You pick up the safety plan handout and look over it. At this point you realize a problem - you don't have a pen. (if: $ERSlammedFistOnWindow is true)[You remember how you were treated in the ER when you were trying to get a pen. Still, surely this problem is solveable.] Frustrated but determined, you exit your room and walk to the nursing station to ask someone.
You knock on the door. And you wait.
[[Wait for an answer.->D2 Pen Wait For Answer]]
[[Keep knocking.->D2 Pen Keep Knocking]]You consider working on your safety plan right now, but you're quite emotionally exhausted. (if: $D2WagnerArgued is true)[You're also quite frustrated that Dr. Wagner didn't provide you with a pass.]
You close your eyes and let the sensation of the cool wall take over. It's so dull in the hospital that almost any sensory stimulation is fascinating to you. You press your back against the wall and get lost in your feelings.
You wonder what will be for lunch. You wonder what Hazel is up to. You wonder a lot of things.
You consider searching for Hazel, but right now you're far too exhausted from all the forced conversation. You probably got at most ten minutes of rest between Tara and Dr. Wagner. Socializing can wait.
Are you sure you don't want to try to work on your safety plan?
[[Yes, you've already made up your mind.->D2 No Safety Plan]]
[[You suppose you could give it another look.->D2 Pen]]You peer into the nursing station window and watch as everyone busily types on their computers. Occasionally they chat amongst themselves. You are not a priority.
"Jess!" you hear down the hall. It's Hazel.
You turn and she's already in front of you. In the corner of your eye you notice a nurse walking toward the nursing station's door.
[[Talk to Hazel.->D2 Pen Hazel]]
[[Intercept the nurse and ask for a pen.->D2 Pen Intercept Nurse]]You keep knocking on the door. When you peer inside the nursing station, no one has even flinched or acted like they noticed you. This infuriates you even more. You aren't sure what to do, nor do you know how this environment could possibly be therapeutic.
What you want is simple enough too. You just want a pen - that's all. You're about to give up and walk back to your room.
Another nurse comes up behind you. "Excuse me," he says. You step to the side. He approaches the door really quickly and opens it.
You say, as quickly as possible, "Excuse-me-can-I-please-have-a-pen?" but he is inside before you finish.
You wonder what you have to do to get someone's attention in here. Perhaps you could just stop having needs. That's probably what most people do.
[[Give up.->D2 Give Up Safety Planning]]You shrug your shoulders and let the opportunity slide. Hazel, after all, is much more interesting to you than your safety plan.
"Hey Hazel," you say.
"Hi Jess!" she responds, appearing in an ever so chipper mood.
You try to make conversation despite your outwardly frustrated appearance. "I'm trying to get them to give me a pen," you say.
Hazel smirks. "OK Jess, good luck with that. If you do manage to get one, don't forget to tell me your secret."
"Is it //really// that much to ask of them?" you question. Other wards you've been to have been more than happy to provide pens.
"Um, yes. Are you kidding?" She laughs a little bit. "Psych funding has been cut. There's no room in the hospital's budget for pens. Besides, you might try to stab someone with it."
"I can't buy a pen because I don't have a pass. What happens when someone on a //form// asks for a pen to work on their safety plan?" you ask. (if: $Formed is not true)[While you're not on a form right now, you might as well be because you don't have any passes.]
She laughs again. "Why don't you try it and see?"
"I'm trying to try," you respond.
"As I said, good luck with that!" She walks off to her room, and her laughter continues in the distance.
A nurse approaches the door. You could probably intercept him and ask for a pen right now. Alternatively, you can give up on safety planning for now.
Do you take her advice?
[[Give up on safety planning.->D2 No Safety Plan]]
[[Intercept the nurse and try to get a pen.->D2 Pen Intercept Nurse]]As he approaches the door, you plot an intercept course. Before he realizes what's going on, you practically teleport in front of him. "Excuse me," you ask.
By this moment he's already in the middle of opening the door. He walks inside and closes it, pretending not to hear you.
Your blood is boiling at this point. Your frustration level has peaked. You feel like you're going to punch the next person who talks to you.
But hey, at least now you're thinking about something besides killing yourself.
[[Return to your room.->D2 No Safety Plan]]You decide to take this moment to rest and recover. The safety plan will still be there for you when you're ready for it. At the moment, planning for something like safety seems quite absurd - afterall, you're still planning to kill yourself.
Perhaps you need to approach the safety plan from an abstract perspective. If Jessica is suicidal but wants to live, how would she answer?
You rest your eyes, roll on to your side, and exhale. There isn't a whole lot to look forward to right now. Lunch, maybe.
(if: $D2Formed is true)[[[Drift off.->D2 Take Clothes]]](else:)[[[Drift off.->D2 Drift]]]
(if: $D2Formed is not true)[[[Go for a walk.->D2 Go Walk]]]You walk back to your room, feeling somewhat defeated. You're not sure how people survive in here. The frustration leaves you fuming. (if: $Formed is true)[In fact, if you weren't on a form, you probably would have left by now.]
You climb up on the bed and press your back against the wall. You feel a bit tired and empty, but you suppose that's par for the course if you're in crisis.
[[Try to rest.->D2 No Safety Plan]]{
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
}You drift off. You just want to have some rest. Someone knocks on the door - your attempts at sleep are interrupted once again. It's getting fairly comical at this point.
"What is it?" you ask.
Tara comes inside holding a hospital gown. "Hi Jessica! Because you're on a form now, I need you to change into this hospital gown."
You prop yourself up and dangle your legs over the side of the bed. "I can't keep my clothes?" you ask.
"It's hospital protocol," she responds. "People on a form do not have clothing privileges."
Ah. //Privileges//. So much talk about privileges on the psych ward. You're an adult and you're bargaining for privileges. It's anyone's guess why they take your clothing away - you often wonder if it's because you'd stand out in a crowd if you escaped. No one really tells you why you can't have clothing. It just happens.
You think about your options. Arguing probably won't help, but it might make you feel better.
[[Argue.->D2 Clothes Argue]]
[[Agree to get changed.->D2 Clothes Change]]
{
(set: $Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
}"You can't take away my clothes," you assert.
"This isn't a debate," Tara replies.
"You're right. It isn't. I'm keeping my clothes!" You're not sure if putting your foot down can help you in this situation, but you don't really care at the moment. It's exhasperating to be told to change when your clothes haven't been causing any problems.
"Jessica, listen to me." You look into her eyes, and you're trembling with rage. "I know it's not perfect here, but we want to keep you as safe as possible."
"By making me wear a hospital gown?" you ask in response.
"//Yes//. Can you please take my word for it? I don't want to call security. I don't want to do that to you."
You look in her eyes for a moment and think about your next move. She is being genuine, you read. You wonder how far you're willing to go on this one, but you it seems like a losing battle. It pains you to do so, but it seems better to drop it.
"OK," you respond.
"Thank you, Jessica. Sincerely."
[[Change.->D2 Clothes Change]]"Just this gown?" you ask as Tara passes it to you.
"Yes," Tara says. "I'll give you some privacy to change."
She leaves the room. You cradle the gown in your arms. It feels so surreal right now, and you desperately wish you could leave this place. You hold it up where the arms are and let the rest of it dangle below.
After looking at it for a moment, you lay it on your bed and start to undress. You peel your clothing off - you leave your underwear and socks. Then you pull the gown on and try to tie it around your back. Limited success.
Tara knocks. "Can I come in?"
"Oh, um, sure," you respond.
She walks into the room holding a clear plastic bag. "All right, we'll put these clothes in here." She picks up the clothes that you left on the bed.
You continue to try to tie it. "Um, Tara?" you start.
"Yes?"
"Any chance I could get another one of these?"
"I'll see what there is," she responds and walks out the door with the plastic bag.
You sit on the bed and wait.
[[Wait.->D2 Clothes Change 2]]You feel sweaty and dirty today, and the new hospital gown clings to your body in a very unflattering way. You hope that Tara can find another gown for you to slip on the back. You wonder how any other solution could be good for your mental health.
You hear a knock. "I found one." Tara. She passes it through the door without looking at you. You slip it on.
Hospital fashion. Lovely.
"Lunch is here," she says.
Then you hear an announcment over the PA system. **"Lunch is now being served in the dining area. Remember to wash your hands, and put your tray back when you're done."**
You wonder what you're getting this time. You leave your room and approach the food trays. Patients from around the ward are leaving their rooms and filling the halls. A few lucky people are already lined up - they must have been waiting in the dining area for this.
[[Find your tray.->D2 Find Tray]]Finally it's your turn to grab your food tray. You scan the printouts on each tray until you find it.
<hr/>**Jessica Meredith Gonzales
DOB: August 23, 1985
DIET: Standard, no known allergies
LUNCH
1 hot water
1 tea bag
1 pkt sugar
1 milkette
1 pkt pepper
1 orange juice
1 milk (250ml)
1 srv macaroni and cheese w/ ham
1 srv green beans
2 plastic spoon
1 napkin**<hr/>
You scan the room for Hazel, and you can't see her. You shrug your shoulders. Perhaps she's in an appointment, or resting, or maybe she isn't hungry. You carry your tray to an empty table and sit down.
A black person with short, dark hair approaches the table. "Can I sit?" they ask.
You nod, and they sit down. "I'm Jessica," you say.
"Amara," they respond.
[["That's a pretty name."->D2 Lunch Pretty Name]]
[["How did you get here?"->D2 Lunch How Get Here]]You are both eating identical meals. Amara picks at their food, taking small bites. You try a bite of the mac and cheese - not quite as bad as you expected. Aside from lack of salt, it is edible.
You look up, "Hey, um, Amara, did they give you any salt?"
Amara shakes their head. "No," they say. They resume eating.
You say, "I don't understand why we can't have salt with our food."
Amara doesn't respond - they continue to eat. You wonder if you're bothering them. Your brain plays out many interpretations in succession where Amara is annoyed with you. You pick at the green beans. The serving is rather small.
You look up and see Hazel retrieving her tray. You hope that she will come to sit with you and break up the awkwardness.
She approaches you with her tray. "Can I pull up a seat?" You're surprised she even asked.
"If she's OK with it," you say, gesturing to Amara.
"//They//," Amara responds, correcting you.
"Oh. They?" you ask, somewhat puzzled.
They respond, "Yes. They and them. Those are my pronouns."
"Oh, sorry."
Hazel has already left to find a chair. She drags it over and sits on the edge, squeezing her tray in.
[[Continue eating.->D2 Lunch 2]]"So wait," Hazel says. "Are you genderqueer?"
"//Yes//," they respond. You can tell that this is testing their patience.
"OK," she says. "I have questions. I'm just curious, if you don't mind."
"I mind," they say.
"You don't like talking?" Hazel says.
Amara stands up and picks up their tray. They walk away with it. The food isn't finished and it seems that they're carrying it to their room.
"Did I say something?" Hazel asks you.
[[Tell her that Amara didn't want to answer her questions.->D2 Lunch Annoyed]]
[[Tell her that Amara doesn't like to talk.-> D2 Lunch Doesn't Talk]]"I think you were asking too many questions," you say bluntly.
Her face drops. "What do you mean?" she asks.
"They probably don't want to explain being genderqueer to everyone they meet," you respond.
"Fine." She heaves a big sigh, stands up, and walks over to the hallway. She leaves her tray here, and her food is barely touched. You put the plastic cover back on her plate and make a mental note to store the food safely in case she asks for it later.
You sit and eat quietly. Both of your guests have stormed off in annoyance - what else is there to do?
You realize that you're annoyed with Hazel, but you're not sure what to do about it. You finish eating.
[[Bring Hazel her tray.->D2 Hazel Go To Room]]
[[Go lie down again.->D2 Hazel Don't Bring Tray]]You think back to the conversation before Hazel showed up, and remember how Amara wasn't that talkative already. "I don't think Amara was in the mood to talk," you say.
Hazel shuffles over into the seat Amara had before. "What do you mean?"
"They were pretty quiet when they sat down. I think they were just looking for a place to sit."
"Well, of course they didn't want to just make small talk. I was just trying to make it interesting."
"I guess," you respond. You're still conflicted about Hazel on some points - she didn't handle this interaction very well. It isn't that you need your friends to be perfect, but you also don't want to drive away everyone you meet who isn't Hazel.
You look down at your food and continue to pick away at it.
[[Continue eating.->D2 Lunch Spoons]]You drift off to sleep for a short while. You get tired when you're stressed out, and today is no exception. It's exhausting to keep re-playing the events of the past few weeks in your mind. (if: $D2RadicalAcceptance is true)[You wonder if Tara was right about "radical acceptance" - you wonder how anyone manages to do such a thing.] You continue to bargain with the past.
(if: $Formed is true)[
As you roll to your side, you feel the hospital gown cling tightly to your skin. You lift your body up from the bed a bit and adjust the gown, then you set yourself down again.
]
Sometimes there isn't much left to do except self-soothe, which is part of why you keep taking these naps. (if: $CwardTookAtivan is true)[You don't worry too much about oversleeping - you can always ask your nurse for another Ativan tonight.](else-if: $CwardAskForAtivan is true)[You're a bit nervous about overdoing it, in part because your night nurse was stingy on the Ativan.](else:)[Consciously, you wonder if you should be finding something else to do. If you over-nap, you won't sleep well tonight. However, napping is still the best way to pass the time.]
You stretch out as far as you can to get comfortable. You wonder if you should get up and find Hazel. Maybe talking to her would be uplifting. Maybe you would just end up frustrated.
Soon enough, you hear a crackle in the hallway as the PA system turns on.
**"Lunch is now being served in the dining area. Remember to wash your hands, and put your tray back when you're done."**
You roll out of bed and shuffle over to the doorway. You slowly move through the hall as it gradually fills with patients leaving their rooms. A few fortunate people already have their trays.
[[Find your tray.->D2 Find Tray]]After returning your tray, you pick up Hazel's and carry it over to her room. You knock on the door.
Hazel responds, "Go away."
"Hey, um, Hazel?"
"What?" she doesn't sound impressed to hear your voice.
"I brought your food," you respond.
She climbs out of her bed and walks over to you. "Thanks," she says quietly, and takes the tray out of your arms - she sets it on her table. She looks over at you again. "Jess?" she asks.
"Yes?" you respond.
"Do you hate me?"
[["I think you're lovely."->D2 Hazel Don't Hate]]
(if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[[["I'm a bit frustrated."->D2 Hazel You Were Frustrated Ineffective]]](else:)[[["I'm a bit frustrated."->D2 Hazel You Were Frustrated Effective]]]You exhale in frustration and return your lunch tray. Rather than setting it down gently, you practically throw it in. You then walk back toward your room.
When you're inside you hear Tara's voice. "Want to tell me what happened?" she asks.
You fold your arms and turn around. "What do you mean?"
"I saw you throwing your tray back."
[[Tell her what happened.->D2 Tara Tell What Happened]]
[[Say you need space.->D2 Tara You Need Space]]You find the question really surprising. Despite some frustration here and there, you are actually quite fond of her.
"I think you're lovely," you respond.
"Thanks," she responds. She walks closer to you and hugs you. While you're a bit thrown off, you accept the hug. "Thank you," she says again. She turns around and walks toward her bed. "I want to apologize a million times but I'm supposed to practice restraint," she adds.
You respond, "Yeah, maybe try to keep it at a half-million?"
She smiles a little bit. "Jess, I want to tell you something."
"Sure," you respond. "What is it?"
[[Listen to Hazel.->D2 Hazel Discloses Borderline]]You take a deep breath and try to explain this as well as you can. "Hazel, I care about our friendship."
"Really?" she asks. "You're not going to ditch me like pretty much everyone else?"
"No," you say. "I enjoy being around you. This isn't personal. I am feeling frustrated, but I don't hate you."
"Promise?" she asks.
"Yes," you respond. "I absolutely promise that I don't hate you."
"OK," she says. "I'm sorry for scaring Amara off."
"It'll be fine," you respond.
"You know they never talk, right?"
"Really?" you say. "I guess that makes sense."
"Listen, um, Jess? Can I tell you something?"
You nod. "Sure," you respond.
[[Listen to Hazel.->D2 Hazel Discloses Borderline]]You fix your eyes on the floor. The number of arguments you've gotten into since coming here have left you conflict-wary. Still, you feel like Hazel ought to know.
"I'm a bit frustrated," you say. She frowns as she looks at you. She didn't like hearing what you just had to say.
Tears roll down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Jess. I'm so sorry." She repeats "I'm sorry" over and over again. You feel somewhat more frustrated now that she is an apologetic mess.
"Hazel, please."
Hazel shakes her head. "I'm sorry! I don't want to be this way. I never asked for this."
"//Hazel//. Can you please listen to me?"
Through tears she replies, "OK."
You say, "We're still friends, all right? Sometimes friends can be frustrating, but we're //still// friends."
"Do you mean that?" she says as she wipes a tear from her eye.
"Yes. Absolutely," you say. "I was only frustrated because Amara left."
"But ... Jess, I need to tell you something."
"What is it?"
[[Continue.->D2 Hazel Discloses Borderline]] "So, um, right now I'm in treatment for a personality disorder," she says.
You nod. (if: $D2LearnedHazelBPD is true)[You think of the encounter in the hallway, and have a pretty good idea of what she's going to say.]
"It's called borderline personality disorder," she says. "Sometimes I'm impulsive because my feelings are so strong, but I'm working on it. I really want to get better."
How do you feel after being told this?
[[Honoured that she shared.->D2 Hazel BPD Honoured]]
[[Wary.->D2 Hazel BPD Wary]]You try to half-smile and keep your eyes open. She just told you something that probably took guts - though some people in these places like to swap diagnoses, you can tell that Hazel doesn't take sharing this lightly.
You don't want to leave too much space for responding. She looks at you with a sense of desperation in her eyes. You nod quietly. You search for something to say, and it's not coming. You decide to keep it generic. "Thank you for sharing," you say.
"Are you OK with this?" she asks.
You nod while looking at the floor. "Sure." You start to wonder if this friendship might be too intense for you. You try to figure out whether this worry is coming from your experience of her, or if you're simply worried because of what she just told you.
She notices your complicated reaction. "Jess, it's fine. Honestly," she says. "You wouldn't be the first."
You shake your head. "No, I don't mean that. It's really fine."
She frowns. "Just - please don't tell anyone."
"Of course not," you respond.
[[Continue->D2 Hazel Wrap Up]]{
(set: $D2HazelPositive to true)
}(if: $D2LearnedHazelBPD is true)[You think back to how you first learned this, and find yourself somewhat frustrated with the woman who gossiped about it. It wasn't hers to share, nor was it all that relevant to you.
]You frown sympathetically and put your arms out for a hug. Hazel steps closer and embraces you tightly. "Thank you," she says.
"No worries," you respond. You're not without a bit of worry - you've heard nothing but horror stories about people with borderline personality disorder. Still, you haven't //met// anyone with BPD - anyone that you know of at least. "All I care about is that you're kind to me."
"Thanks," she says. "Sometimes I get overwhelmed and I have to leave. I'm not always like this. It's just this hospital - it takes a lot out of me."
You nod. "I know."
"Thanks for accepting me."
"Of course!" you respond.
[[Continue.->D2 Hazel Wrap Up]]{
(set: $D2LearnedHazelBPD to true)
}(if: $D2HazelFinishedLunch is true)["I'm glad you came to talk to me," Hazel adds as you turn around and start to head out.
You look over your shoulder for a moment. "Me too," you say. You walk out.
](else:)[Hazel speaks again, "And also, thank you for bringing my food. I would have understood if you didn't. You're kind."
"No problem," you say. "Eat well. I need to go rest."
]You're a lot calmer after talking to Hazel. Maybe this friendship will sort itself out over time. You still get a sense that you're suppressing your frustration with her. Perhaps some time alone would be helpful.
[[Rest in your room.->D2 Rest Before Transfer]]"What's the deal with these spoons?" you ask.
"I guess they're worried you'll stab someone," she jokes.
"Amara had a plastic fork. How do they decide who gets a fork?" you ask again.
Hazel shakes her head. "I've been coming here for a long time and I //still// can't figure that one out.(if: $Formed is true)[ Maybe it's because you're formed?]"
(if: $D2Formed is true)[
"That can't be it," you say. "I wasn't formed at breakfast and they still gave me spoons."
](else-if: $ERFormed is true)[
"I guess that's plausible," you say. You look over at Hazel, who is also eating with a spoon.
](else:)[
"I guess it doesn't matter," you say.
]
There is an uncomfortable vibe between you and Hazel after Amara walked off. You keep digging for more small talk, but what you really want is some time alone. The environment is overstimulating, and you just want some time alone where no one is going to bother you.
You think back maybe twenty minutes, and you remember when you were excited to see her. You're surprised at how quickly things change.
[[Make more small talk.->D2 Lunch Small Talk]]
[[Eat in silence.->D2 Lunch Silence]]You take a deep breath and try to describe what just unfolded. You explain how you and Amara were sitting together peacefully until Hazel came by and asked some invasive questions.
"And then Hazel left me alone too, simply for telling her the truth," you say.
She nods. "All right Jessica. It sounds like there was a little conflict between you three. Perhaps taking some time to cool down will help." You suppress laughter at her suggestion - you would be cooling down already if it weren't for her.
[[Continue.->D2 Tara Question]]
You fold your arms over and hug your body tightly. "I need space," you say.
"You don't want to talk about it?" she asks.
You shake your head as you suppress the urge to scream. Tara seems tense as well. "OK, Jessica, I can't force you to talk about it."
You nod in agreement. She //can't// force you to talk about anything. (if: $Formed is true)[Despite being formed, nothing gives her the power to make you talk about anything.] Your mind, your choice.
[[Continue.->D2 Tara Question]]Tara asks, "Is there anything you need from me right now?"
[["Maybe an Ativan."->D2 Tara Ask Ativan]]
[["Nothing."->D2 Tara Not Needed]]{
(set: $D2AtivanTara to true)
(set: $AtivanCount to $AtivanCount + 1)
}"Maybe an Ativan?" you ask, ever hopeful.
Tara nods. "All right, I can get you an Ativan."
You exhale in relief - in your experience, most nurses hold the Ativan unless //they're// satisfied that it's appropriate.(if: $CwardDeniedAtivan is true)[ Your experience of being denied ativan on the night of your admission is still fresh.] At times you wonder if it's for the best - you can't really decide. Being a patient in the hospital is a challenging situation, and sometimes it's helpful to numb out for a while.
Your nurse leaves the room, and you sit on your bed patiently. You try to take slower breaths. You try to breathe intently. It's a challenge right now, and you're grateful that help is on the way.
A few minutes pass and Tara returns with a pill and a cup of water. You down it.
"You'll be transferred soon," she says. "Try to relax until then."
You nod. "Thank you."
[[Continue.->D2 Loneliness]]"It's fine," you say. "I'm fine."
She looks at you with some skepticism. "All right," she says. "Come get me if you need anything." She turns around and walks out the door.
You replay the situation in your head. You wonder if you should go visit with Hazel, but you're not feeling it right now. (if: $Formed is true)[You wrap your outer gown tightly around you so that it feels like you're being embraced.](else:)[You rock back and forth, and you fold your arms inward tightly.] You just want a hug, but it seemed improper to ask that of Tara.
You suppress those feelings just a little bit. You feel sad. You feel scared. You feel alone. You desperately want something different, but you don't know what that might be.
[[Continue.->D2 Loneliness]](if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[As you walk away, you start to feel a bit better about the friendship. Hazel is complicated for sure, but you usually enjoy her company. It's nice to know that you won't have to be lonely. Hopefully, anyway - you don't know yet if she will be transferred to the same ward as you.](else:)[You're honestly not sure where this friendship is going - especially considering that you came here to keep yourself alive. You want to recover, and entering an unstable friendship will not help. You don't want to be lonely in the hospital either. It's hard to know what to do.]
You walk over to your room and try to forget about your burgeoning psych ward social life for a few minutes. You lift yourself onto the bed and stare at the wall.
A yelling voice is muffled through the walls. You reasonably guess that someone in an adjacent room is sobbing and crying.
A man's voice calls out, "Leave me alone! I want to go home!" He shouts repeatedly. A nurse is trying to patiently explain to him that it's not possible. (if: $Formed is true)[When you're not ignoring your own detention, you realize that you're also scared - you also want to leave.] Freedom deprivation is hard on people.
As you listen to the commotion, your vision becomes blured. Your ears ring a little bit and the sounds around you are distorted - the man's yelling echoes in the distance.
It starts to feel like what's in front of your face is very far away.
You recognize this as a sign you're dissociating. On some level you enjoy the sensation of drifting further from reality. However, a past therapist taught you to avoid this whenever possible.
Do you try to ground yourself?
[[Ground yourself.->D2 Dissociation Ground Yourself]]
[[Remain dissociated.->D2 Dissociation Stay Dissociated]]"The food here is really something," you say as you poke at the green beans.
"Yes. Very balanced and nutritious," Hazel responds.
You both sit across from each other in silence. You start to feel a bit awkward and worry that your annoyance towards Hazel is showing.
[[Try for more small talk.->D2 Lunch More Small Talk]]
[[Be silent.->D2 Lunch Silence]]You decide not to make anymore small talk, and the table fills with a heavy silence. At this point you realize that most of the patients are eating in silence. There is some conversation at one of the tables - just quiet stuff. People grasping for something to say - any form of normalcy.
You finish off your tray and stretch your arms out. Hazel is almost finished eating too. You consider telling her that you're going to be transferred today, but you're enjoying the silence and it feels like it would be an awkward conversation. After seeing her interact with Amara, a part of you is honestly questioning the friendship. It may be just as well that you're both going your separate ways. Sad, too, but you feel accepting.
You put down your spoon. "I'm done," you say.
Hazel nods. "Me too."
You both rise from your seats and move to return your trays. You walk to your room. She walks to hers.
You feel a lot better the moment you and Hazel part ways. A part of you wonders if this friendship is worth the tension - it's hard to say. You wonder if you should go see her and clear the air.
[[Talk to Hazel.->D2 Talk To Hazel]]
[[Find another way to occupy yourself.->D2 Activity After Lunch]]A tense loneliness takes over, and your mind continues to replay the scene from moments earlier - your tense interaction with Hazel. You can't seem to get it out of your head.
The reality is that you feel guilty, and you also feel frustrated. Both seemingly opposite realities co-exist in this mental tug-of-war. You aren't sure where or how to balance your feelings - all you know is that you want to feel better without sacrificing your self respect.
(if: $D2AtivanTara is true)[As the Ativan takes effect, you start to wonder if you were a bit hard on her. What you do know is that you're calm enough to check in on her, but you're not entirely sure it's a good idea.](else:)[You begin to wonder if you were a bit hard on her. As you take a few deep breaths and cool off a little, you wonder how she is doing. You consider paying her a visit.]
[[Go see Hazel.->D2 Talk To Hazel]]
[[Find a way to occupy yourself.->D2 Activity After Lunch]]Deep down, you would love to go out on a pass, but this situation warrants extra caution. You feel safer knowing that you'll have to stay in.
[[Continue.->D2 Wagner Safety Plan]]"OK," you say again. You never like inpatient psychiatry appointments. It's always hard to know what to say. You add, "I can fill this out."
"Great," Dr. Wagner responds. "It's always good to have one of these around, just in case you need it."
You nod.
[[Continue.->D2 Wagner Medication]]The entire concent of safety planning throws you off a little. You tremble a bit as you try to voice your thoughts. "If I truly want to die, how will something like this stop me? It's just a piece of paper."
"There are no guarantees, but safety planning at least gets you thinking about what you can do to help yourself." He pauses a moment and clears his throat. "Ideally you will be following your safety plan //before// you're suicidal. You can watch for the warning signs and act accordingly."
You nod. Are you satisfied with this explanation?
[[Yes.->D2 Wagner Safety Plan Agree 2]]
[[No.->D2 Wagner Safety Plan Disagree]]You're still not entirely convinced, but who could blame you? You came to the hospital because it felt like nothing was helping. You're not convinced that a safety plan could bring Cassandra back, nor could it alleviate the intense guilt you feel, nor could it convince you that you're an acceptable person who is allowed to exist.
Still, you just want the argument to stop. "OK," you say. "That makes sense."
It doesn't make any more sense than it did before, but you're not in the mood to have an argument about it. It's easier to simply agree and move on. You wait for Dr. Wagner to redirect the conversation elsewhere.
[[Continue.->D2 Wagner Medication]]You can see the value in having tools to keep yourself afloat. It makes sense to use these tools even when you feel unworthy. But will you reach for this plan when the time comes? It's hard to say.
"I can try it," you say. You can't think of a good reason //not// to try.
"That's great!" he responds.
[[Continue.->D2 Wagner Medication]](if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[You feel like you've been a rage machine since you got here. You don't see the sense in trying to explain what you're feeling - you can't trust yourself to do it effectively.](else:)[In the abstract, you believe it's //possible// to explain to him the behaviour you're struggling with. It just doesn't seem like it would be worth the energy at this point in time.]
It's best to focus yourself on what you can do. You let it go, so that you might have the energy to focus on your own recovery.
[[Continue.->D2 Wagner Questions]]You can't keep track of your thoughts as the frustration builds. It feels, in the moment, like you've experienced nothing but invalidation since you came in. (if: $ERYelledAtDoctor is true)[Your thoughts wander back to your intense ER experience last night.]
"You know, this isn't about what //you// want, it's about what //I// want."
Dr. Wagner leans back. He gives you a strange look - your sudden mood change surprises him. He quickly scribbles something down on his clipboard. You wonder what he wrote down, but it probably doesn't matter.
He says, "So, you don't want to start mirtazapine? Is that what you're telling me?"
"No," you shoot back. "That's not what I'm saying. At all."
"What is it, then?" he asks.
You struggle to calm the racing thoughts. You feel somewhat impaired in your ability to communicate your frustration. It almost made more sense not to try with this one. "I just want to feel like I have a say," you respond.
He nods. "All right. Do you want to start mirtazapine?"
You shrug. "Fine."
He holds his eye contact for a bit too long, unsure of what to do. He pauses for a moment and there is an uncomfortable silence. "All right," he says. "We'll get you started on 15mg of mirtazapine."
[[Continue.->D2 Wagner Questions]]You take a deep breath and prepare to express your concerns.
"Dr. Wagner?" you say, to open the conversation.
"Yes?"
You aren't sure of how to word your concerns effectively. You try your best, though. "When you say that //you're// going to start me on an antidepressant, it makes me feel like I don't have a choice."
He tilts his head a bit, pauses, and responds, "Excuse me, I don't understand. Are you saying you don't want to try mirtazapine?"
You respond, "No, that's not what I'm saying at all." You notice that you're starting to raise your voice. Frustration can be hard to contain, especially in here.
"So ... we agree?" he asks.
You try to find the energy to continue this, but you don't feel like he's going to get it. "Yes. I'm fine with trying it."
"OK! Great!" he responds.
You feel like you could have handled this better, but you also feel like Dr. Wagner could have handled it better too. It's hard being the patient sometimes, especially when people wilfully ignore your consent.
[[Continue.->D2 Wagner Questions]]"How about that weather?" you ask, almost jokingly.
Hazel takes a peek at the window behind you. "It's a real scorcher today," she says. "And not to mention, unseasonably awkward."
You're in the middle of scooping up another bite of the green beans, and Hazel's candidness takes you aback a little. You wonder if she's calling attention to the feelings at the table. It would be nice if she was just trying to be funny, but there is definitely more to it, if you're willing to dig.
You consider how best to respond.
[[Address the awkwardness.->D2 Lunch Address Awkwardness]]
[[Continue the joke.->D2 Lunch Continue Joke]]You gently lean in and ask her, "Is everything OK, Hazel?"
She shakes her head. "We're in a psych ward. What do you think?" She mutters to herself - you can't hear what she's saying. After a few moments of muttering, she takes a deep breath and tries to respond. "Jess, you changed after I sat down. You got all weird."
"I'm sorry?" you ask.
"You're just acting weird, //OK?//"
Perhaps she's picking up on your discomfort after Amara left. Your earlier attempt to spare Hazel's feelings may have left her more frustrated. You wonder if bluntness is a better policy. Her harsh demeanor demands your attention, but you don't know if you can give her what she wants.
"I'm done eating," Hazel announces. She picks up her tray and returns it, exiting the room.
A part of you wants to chase after her and find out what went wrong. Another part of you wonders if you can handle a friendship with someone so sensitive, particularly right now, amid your own crisis.
You try to decide what to do.
[[Check on Hazel->D2 Talk To Hazel]]
[[Find another way to pass the time.->D2 Activity After Lunch]]You say the first thing that pops in your mind. "Today's forecast: cloudy with a chance of small talk about the weather." It wasn't your most inspired comment. You look over at Hazel. She stares at her food and won't make eye contact. At that point you realize that you're just adding to the awkwardness.
Hazel seems to realize that she's distancing herself. After a moment she makes brief eye contact, forces a smile, and takes a deep breath.
"I don't feel hungry anymore," she says. "I'm going to go lie down. Catch you later."
She rises and returns her tray. You remain just long enough to finish your breakfast. You return your tray.
For a moment you wonder if you should follow Hazel, but you're not sure. She seems very tense. You feel tense too. It may be wiser not to exist in the same room.
What do you do?
[[Go find Hazel.->D2 Talk To Hazel]]
[[Find a way to occupy yourself.->D2 Activity After Lunch]]{
(set: $D2HazelFinishedLunch to true)
}Something just wasn't right about the way Hazel was acting, and you rightly sense that something's going on under the surface. Your own energy reserves are nearly depleted, but you have enough motivation to check on her really quickly.
You wait a few moments before approaching her room, so as not to seem like you're just following her. For that time you pace in the living area. The TV is on an afternoon talk show and only one person is watching. Daytime TV - not your favourite thing.
After a few minutes pass you walk through the hallway and over to Hazel's room. You knock.
"Hey, Hazel?"
"Hey," she says in response. Her voice is quiet and sad. "What's up?"
You try to calm the trembling in your voice as you respond. "I just came to see if you're OK."
"Jess?" she gets out of bed and takes a few steps in the direction of the door. She is standing a couple metres away.
"Yeah?"
"Do you hate me?" she asks.
[["I think you're lovely."->D2 Hazel Don't Hate]]
(if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[[["I'm a bit frustrated."->D2 Hazel You Were Frustrated Ineffective]]](else:)[[["I'm a bit frustrated."->D2 Hazel You Were Frustrated Effective]]]{
(set: $MetPatricia to true)
(set: $MetYua to true)
}You pace around the common areas for a few minutes, and you notice that at a common table three people are gathered. A package of pencil crayons sits between them, and they're each colouring pages in an inspirational colouring book - you remember the book from the hospital gift shop.
(if: $D2LearnedHazelBPD is true)[You recognize a person in the group - she is the rude woman who told you that Hazel is borderline. You're still not sure how you feel about the gossip, but you //are// somewhat wary of her.](else:)[You recognize a person in the group - she is the older woman who made a rude comment about Hazel.] The woman looks up and makes eye contact with you. She recognizes you too.
"Hey, Jessica. Sit down with us!" You're not sure how she learned your name. You're in no hurry to learn hers.
You sit down at one of the empty seats. The woman introduces herself. "I'm Patricia, if you didn't already know."
You shake your head. "I didn't."
"Well, come on. Grab a page and colour with us," she says.
Across the table you notice Amara - you didn't notice them before sitting down. They colour quietly, and they seem to be enjoying the company. You try to make eye contact. They look up, smile for a split-second, and look back down again.
The third woman you sat down with has straight, black hair, pale skin, and brown eyes. "I'm Yua," she says. She extends her hand, and you shake.
"Jessica," you respond.
[[Look for a page to colour.->D2 Activity Find Page To Colour]]Each page has cute little sayings printed in large, round letters. Things like "NEVER GIVE UP" and "BELIEVE IN YOURSELF" - cheesy, for sure, but it's better than doing nothing.
You flip through a few pages and find one that appeals to you. It says "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL," and it makes you smile for a moment.
You reach for the purple pencil crayon. When you pick it up, you notice that the edge is dull.
[[Ask for a pencil sharpener.->D2 Activity Pencil Sharpener]]
[[Pick a different colour.->D2 Activity Pick Different Colour]]"Is there a pencil sharpener?" you ask.
Everyone at the table immediately tenses up, as if you just said something extremely horrifying or offensive. Patricia whispers in a low voice, "Not so loud." She pokes your leg under the table, and you notice she is trying to pass you something. You retrieve it - it's a small metal pencil sharpener.
[[Sharpen pencil crayon under the table.->D2 Activity Sharpen Under]]
[[Sharpen pencil crayon over the table.->D2 Activity Sharpen Over]]{
(set: $D2DullPencil to false)
}(if: $D2ExposedPencilSharpener is true)[As you take the tool back from Patricia, you feel some shame at exposing the group to trouble from the nurses. On some level, it feels ridiculous that the little group can't even have a pencil sharpener. In theory, you understand, but there is so little to do already.](else:)[You realize that the pencil sharpener is probably contraband. This didn't occur to you before - after all, it's just a simple tool. It's a sharp tool, though. And you remember that you can't have sharp things inside the hospital.]
You don't want to hold on to it for too long. You twist the pencil around in the sharpener and allow the shavings to fall to the floor. When it's sharp enough, you pass it back to Patricia.
"Thanks," you mumble.
[[Start colouring.->D2 Activity Colour]]{
(set: $D2ExposedPencilSharpener to true)
(set: $D2DullPencil to true)
}You aren't sure why Patricia passed the pencil sharpener to you underneath the table, but you place it on the top of the table and proceed to sharpen your pencil.
Patricia snaps, "What are you doing?" She reaches across the table and snatches the sharpener out of your hands. She looks around, to see if anyone noticed.
"What's going on?" you ask.
In a hushed voice she responds, "There is a camera above you and a camera by the door." She motions her head behind her. "And the //nurses// can come by at any time."
"What's wrong with sharpening a pencil?" you ask.
Yua and Amara join in and shush you. Patricia whispers, "Keyword: //sharp//. This is contraband."
"Sorry," you respond. Your purple pencil is still quite dull.
[[Ask for it back.->D2 Activity Sharpen Ask For It Back]]
[[Just make do.->D2 Activity Colour]]"OK, I understand. Can I have it back?" you ask.
"Yes," Patricia responds. "Just be quick with it - don't be stupid."
She passes it back to you under the table. As you retrieve it, a nurse walks past the table. You close your palm around it and hope that she isn't there to talk to any of you. Luckily she isn't.
[[Sharpen the pencil crayon.->D2 Activity Sharpen Under]](if: $D2DullPencil is true)[You try to colour with the edges of the pencil. It is quite dull, and you find it difficult to stay in the lines. Eventually you decide that the colour purple is not //that// important, and you switch it for the colour green.](else:)[You pick up the sharp pencil, and you begin colouring.] You start by colouring in the first word. You press lightly with the pencil in order to create a soft and smooth effect.
As time passes you begin to colour in the various plants and patterns surrounding the page. You try to create a yellow gradient effect between the words and the outer border.
You look up for a moment, beyond your oasis of calm. The sounds of the psych ward - muffled while you were at work - now filter into your ears. And what you see brings you back to the present moment - two security guards, having just walked through the front door, are strutting along into the hallway.
You wonder why they were called, but you try to keep to your business. It feels much safer when you tune out your surroundings.
You get back to colouring. You colour for a while. You are getting tired.
[[Gracefully leave the table.->D2 Activity Colour Leave]]{
(set: $D2Coloured to true)
}"Thanks for the pencil crayons," you say, as you rise from your chair.
Patricia looks up from her own project. "Oh, you're leaving now?"
You nod. "Yeah. I need to lie down." As time passes, the tense environment becomes more difficult to tune out. While you do like having some pseudo-social time, you're wary of Patricia. You're wary of spending time with a person who may be unkind, regardless of what's going on with Hazel.
Hazel is just unpredictable. Patricia seems truly unkind.
[[Return to your room.->D2 Activity Return To Room]]The purple pencil is dull, but you're too exhausted to find a way to deal with that. It would involve asking someone for a pencil sharpener despite feeling quite shy and awkward. You were never good at this, not even when you were healthy.
You reach for a pencil that already looks sharp - ultimately, you return the purple one and take a nice green. Green is a good start.
[[Start colouring.->D2 Activity Colour]]As you walk through the halls, Hazel stands outside her room. Her back is pressed against the wall and her arms folded. You wonder what's up.
You make eye contact. The fear is swelling in your chest and shoulders.
"Hey Hazel."
"Hey Jess."
You stop walking and face Hazel.
An uncomfortable silence rests between the two of you. You try to think of ways to fill it, and you wonder if she is trying to do the same. Not that all silences //must// be filled, but there is a strong sense of unease in this friendship.
"I saw you with Pat," she says.
You nod. "I was colouring." You hold up the page and show her.
"Looks nice," she says. Then she quickly asks, "What did Pat say about me?"
(if: $D2LearnedHazelBPD is true)[[["Pat told me that you have borderline personality disorder."->D2 Activity Tell Hazel BPD]]
][["Nothing. I was just using her pencil crayons."->D2 Activity Tell Hazel Nothing]]You decide that honesty is the best policy right now. "Pat told me that you have borderline personality disorder."
Her eyes narrow, and she clenches her fists. "That fucking bitch," she says.
You nod. "I know. I'm not happy she said anything either."
"Great. Now does Amara and Yua know too?"
[["I don't think they heard."->D2 Tell Hazel Lie]]
[["Pat told me earlier today. She didn't say anything at the table."->D2 Tell Hazel Truth]]"Nothing. I was just using her pencil crayons," you respond. Your defensive posture leaves her visibly uneasy.
"I have borderline personality disorder," she responds. "Patricia likes to tell everyone, because Patricia is a fucking bitch." You see her trembling in anger. Her eyes tear up a little.
How do you react to this?
[[Reassure her that you're OK with it.->D2 Hazel Reassure]]
[[Don't reassure her.->D2 Hazel Don't Reassure]]"I don't think they heard," you say, after deciding to omit the fact that you found out about Hazel's personality disorder much earlier in the day.
You usually prefer honesty, but your shame takes over - after all, Hazel may reasonably be upset that you never said anything. It seems like a good white lie.
"You truly don't think they heard?" she asks.
"No, but it doesn't sound like Patricia keeps secrets very well."
Hazel nods. "Of course not. She's so //fake//." You sense a building tension as you stand with her.
[[Continue.->D2 Hazel Reacts]]You consider lying about it, but you know that you're a terrible liar. Also, it's possible that Hazel heard "Pat told me earlier today. She didn't say anything at the table."
She looks up and watches your eyes. "How early today?"
You frown. "After your dad was here, she made a rude comment."
She nods slowly. You're not sure why you even considered lying - she seems somewhat unphased.
[[Continue.->D2 Hazel Reacts]]"Patricia," she says quietly. She gradually raises her voice. "Patricia. Patricia! //God damn Patricia!//" She slams her fist into the wall as she shouts it.
A nurse is standing in the hall as this happens. You didn't see him before. "Hey, //knock it off!//" he shouts.
"Oh, //fuck you!//" Hazel responds.
Hazel walks into her room. You try to follow. "Hazel, Hazel," you say.
Hazel looks back at you from inside her room. "I guess now you know."
[[Reassure her that you're OK with it.->D2 Hazel Reassure]]
[[Don't reassure her.->D2 Hazel Don't Reassure]]{
(set: $D2HazelPositive to true)
}"Hazel," you begin, taking a sort breather to sort out what you're going to say. "All I care about is that you're nice to me, and you are."
Her eyes are tearing up. "Thank you, Jess." She extends her arms for a hug, and you embrace her tightly. "I'm working really hard on it. I didn't want to tell you like this."
"It's OK," you respond, as you both continue the embrace.
She lets go a moment later. "I need some space," she says. "It's not personal."
You nod. "I understand."
You turn around and leave the room. All considered, that went better than you expected.
[[Walk to your room.->D2 Rest Before Transfer]]Hazel takes deep breaths, and her body is radiating in intensity. This mood swing feels violent to you. You take a step back.
"//What?!// Are you going to leave me too?"
"Hazel ... I ..."
[["I'm not going to leave you. I care."->D2 Hazel Tell Her You Care]]
[["You're scaring me."->D2 Hazel Tell Her You're Scared]]"I'm not going to leave you. I care." The way she acts //is// frightening, and you're not even sure if you believe your own words. Perhaps it is coming from a place of fear, or your desire to diffuse a conflict.
You rationalize your response in an effort to feel better about this friendship. You struggle with that for a bit.
She senses your insincerity. "I'll talk to you later, Jess. Please go."
You nod. "OK," you say. You turn around and walk away.
It's hard to say how this friendship will go, but right now you don't feel very secure in it. You wonder how things might have gone differently had you not encountered Pat.
This is a hard time for everyone, though. It's not easy being locked in here.
[[Walk to your room.->D2 Rest Before Transfer]]"You're scaring me," you say quietly. You reach for something else to say, but you come up with nothing.
When Hazel hears that you're scared, her face drops. "Dammit," she says in a whisper. "I'm doing it again. I'm doing it again!"
"Hazel, I think I need some space."
"Oh fuck. It's over isn't it?" she shoots back.
"Can we talk later?" you ask - hoping that the promise of a later meet up will smooth this over.
"Yes," she says. "Yes," she repeats, "we can talk later. I need to cool down."
You turn around and leave the room.
[[Walk to your room.->D2 Rest Before Transfer]]You slowly rise out of a slouching position and shuffle your body back into the wall. When you reach the wall, you cross your arms as you press your back against it. (if: $Formed is true)[The hospital gown is quite thin, and the coolness transfers easily between the fabric and your back.](else:)[It's quite cold, and the sensation trickles into every pocket of your back.]
Bare skin would have been better, but you weren't in the mood to undress for this.
As the sensation takes over you press your head - specifically the back of your neck - into the wall.
The noise around you, including the screaming man, are still somewhat hazy. Grounding doesn't always work as well as you need it to. The environment isn't exactly conducive to it either.
Someone knocks at the door. You look up - it's Tara.
[[Say hello.->D2 Transfer Say Hello]]{
(set: $D2DissociationAsleep to true)
}You decide to indulge your current state of mind. With all you've been through, you can't actually blame yourself for wanting some distance from reality.
That man, screaming in the other room, isn't helping things.
You lie back in your bed and put your arms at the side, losing track of the moment.
Eventually, you fall asleep as the screams echo in the distance.
[[Drift away.->D2 Dissociation Drift Away]]"Hi Tara," you say. (if: $D2DissociationAsleep is true)[You slowly open your eyes and focus on her.](else:)[You shift your weight away from the wall and look at her.] (if: $Formed is not true)[She stands in the doorway, holding your backpack.]
"(if: $D2DissociationAsleep is not true)[Hello, hello! ]I have good news for you, Jessica. You're about to be transferred!"
You nod. "OK, that's good," you respond. You wish you could echo Tara's enthusiasm, but she probably doesn't blame you for your melancholic demeanor. Not that her reaction matters, since you're about to get a new nurse.
"Grab everything you need and come with me," she says with an almost obnoxious cheerfulness.
(if: $D2Coloured is true)[
You pick up the only belonging you have access to - the page you coloured in with Patricia and the gang.
Tara stops for a moment and looks it over. She reads the words, "You are beautiful!" She pauses a moment, then she says, "How nice!"
You nod. It's an awkward moment. You half expected her to talk down to you. You aren't fully committed to "you are beautiful" yet. In fact, a part of you feels dirty, wrong, and even deceptive.
But you still take the page with you.
]
You walk over to the doorway and she leads you into the hall. To your right there are a pair of locked doors. You let her lead.
(if: $Formed is true)[
You expect her to scan her card but she doesn't. "Sorry dear, we're just waiting for security."
Security. Right. You're on a form, so of course there will be security. You cross your arms and lean on the wall beside the pair of double doors.
In a moment, a couple of large, white men come around the corner and strut in your direction. One of the men is holding your backpack.
You never planned to run. At least one of them is serving a practical purpose.
]
She scans her card on a receiver next to the door. She opens it, and holds it open for you.
[[Leave the ward.->D2 Transfer Leave Ward]]You're shortly awakened by a nurse knocking on your door.
"Hello, Jessica?" she asks. It's Tara's voice.
[[Say Hello.->D2 Transfer Say Hello]]Tara leads you through the hallways. (if: $Formed is not true)[Your backpack gently swings from her arm, and the end of the straps drag along the floor behind her.] The hospital you're in is quite old, and throughout its history has awkwardly merged into multiple adjacent buildings, leaving unsuspecting visitors to navigate a haphazardly glued together labyrinth.
Luckily for you, someone is guiding you. (if: $Formed is true)[Or rather, several people are guiding you. You are keenly aware of the large men trailing behind you.] Your unlaced sneakers clack against the smooth floor, and your heels uncomfortably raise out of the loose shoes as you lift each foot. (if: $Formed is true)[Your hospital gown shwishes beneath you, as you cut into it with each step.]
(if: $Formed is true)[
As you pass people - visitors and loiterers alike - you are acutely aware of what this escort looks like to other people. Some people stare. Others conspicuously crane their necks far in the opposite direction. Whether it's out of respect for your privacy, or due to their own discomfort, you could not say.
](else:)[
As you pass people - visitors and loiterers alike - you are grateful to still be wearing your street clothes. Had you been formed, your escort to the general psychiatry unit would've had a different feel to it.
]
You turn left, and you turn right. You're not sure how many lefts or rights it's been. Your brain filters it out - the route doesn't matter. Just follow the leader.
She presses a button for an elevator. (if: $Formed is true)[When the elevator arrives, everyone awkwardly shuffles in. The security guards try to stand near the door, you guess to block an escape. You quietly chuckle to yourself. Never a dull moment.](else:)[When the elevator arrives, you and Tara step inside. As the elevator rises, you consider your options for awkward conversation. You decide against speaking, because you can't think of something funny enough to say. Not that you need to entertain her.]
The doors open. You step outside and beyond you is the nursing station. (if: $Formed is true)[A security guard speaks into his radio. "We're done." They turn around and hop back into the elevator. Your bag is left on the floor behind you. Tara walks up to the nursing station and knocks on the window](else:)[Tara places your bag on the floor behind you. She then walks up to the nursing station and knocks on the window.]
A large, older white woman with shiny blonde hair walks to the doorway, opens it, and approaches you. Her face has a few distinguishing wrinkles.
[[Continue.->D2 Transfer New Nurse]](set: $Formed to true)
[[D2 Rest Before Transfer]]"You must be Jessica. I'm Gail. I'll be your nurse today."
You nod. Tara steps forward and says, "Yes this is Jessica. Now, if I could have a word with you-"
"I'm fine. I read the notes," Gail cuts in.
Tara has an annoyed expression on her face, but she quickly wipes it clean. Tara shoots an exaggerated smile in Gail's direction. "All right!" she says. She looks to you and says, "Good luck Jessica. I know you'll be OK."
You force a smile. "Thanks." Tara holds her employee identification up to a card reader, it beeps, and an elevator door opens. She walks into the elevator and waves as the door closes.
Gail says, "Mike? See to it that this bag goes into storage."
A person once unseen - Mike - walks over to pick up your bag and carries it to the nursing station.
Gail says, "Follow me to your room."
[[Follow Gail.->D2 Follow Gail]]You walk past a common room with a few tables, each table sitting four chairs. You guess that there is seating for about 30 people. A few are in there right now. To the side of this room is a television set and two couches. Both are being occupied by four people. You recognize no one. None from the ER, and none from downstairs.
You walk down a hallway. To the right is what seems like an exercise room. There is a ping pong table in the centre, a treadmill and exercise bike to the side.
As you keep walking you see the doorway to a public washroom. A patient opens the door and heads inside.
She opens a door to your right. It's your room. There is a large window on the door. No curtain. You sit down on a small, single bed. There is a night table next to the bed with a few drawers undearneath it. You can see the city outside a large window opposite the door. The sky is blue with a few clouds here and there.
Gail closes the door.
"Tell me what brings you here," Gail says.
[[Explain it all again.->D2 Gail Explain Again]]
[[Ask her to look at the notes.->D2 Gail Look At Notes]]{
(set: $D2GailTalkedAboutCat to true)
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
}You truly wish it was easier to talk about Cassandra. Each time you try, your heart races as if your death is imminent. (if: $GTalkedAboutCat is true)[Having already explained it in great detail, you're left wishing that your nurse would just read the notes. It all should be in your chart, afterall.](else:)[Your reluctance to talk about it hasn't won you any favours with the staff. It seems best to just let it out now.]
You notice your hand trembling as you speak. "My cat died," you say. You take another deep breath. It's hard to continue.
"Lots of people lose pets," Gail responds. "They don't last forever. You have to be prepared for that."
Your eyes water, and your vision blurs. You wipe them dry as you look up at Gail in disbelief. You try to continue. "She was sick. I decided to wait to bring her to the vet, and now she's dead." Tears are rolling down your face.
"You didn't go to an emergency vet?" Gail responds, seemingly without a thought or care. Your eyes are fixed on the floor, and you can't bear to meet her gaze. "Hey, //Jessica//, you're drifting away from me. Look at me when I'm talking to you."
[[Snap at her.->D2 Gail Snap At Her]]
[[Look up, make eye contact, and say nothing.->D2 Gail Eye Contact]]
(set: $GTalkedAboutCat to true)"You said you read the notes, right?" You wonder if there isn't a hint of sarcasm in your reminder.
"Yes, but I want to hear it from you," she responds.
//Again?// You exhale and think it over.
[[Tell your story again.->D2 Gail Explain Again]]
[[Don't explain it again.->D2 Gail Don't Explain Again]]"I can't do this right now," you say.
Gail frowns at you. "Fine," she says, almost like a two year old. "If you don't want to talk, we don't have to talk." She turns around, opens the door, and walks out, leaving it open. You hear footsteps echo in the distance.
You're not sure of what to say as you watch her walk out the door. It's almost as though Gail lacks empathy. You remember her being short with Tara moments earlier, and you realize that it's best to be careful.
Hopefully she'll be good for ativan, if you need it.
[[Ask for Ativan before she gets too far.->D2 Gail Ask Ativan]]
[[Let her go.->D2 Notice Pamphlet]]{
(set: $D2ReadPamphlet to true)
}You pick up the pamphlet and open it.
<hr/>**Welcome to the General Psychiatry Unit, part of Eastown General Hospital and the Lakeview Health Network.**
The GPU is a 40-bed ward that is intended to address the psychiatric needs of individuals experiencing a crisis where community treatment is not possible or not sufficient for a patient's needs. Upon arriving here, you may feel nervous or anxious. Those feelings are completely normal. Hospital staff will try to make your transition as comfortable as possible. This pamphlet may also answer some of your questions.
**What is inpatient psychiatry?**
Inpatient psychiatry is psychiatric care inside a hospital. Generally, patients are admitted from the emergency unit. You may be voluntary or involuntary depending on your treatment needs. If you are involuntary, then you will be required to change into a hospital gown.
Most patients complete the duration of their care in the GPU. However, should your treatment needs change, it is possible that you might be transferred to the Acute Psychiatric Care Unit. Usually this happens when patients need extra observation in order to maintain the safety of themselves or other patients.
**How long will I be here?**
Treatment needs vary, so it isn't possible to guarantee an exact time frame. Most patients are discharged within a week.
**Can I have my cellphone/nintendo/laptop?**
To maintain patient confidentiality and a therapeutic environment, electronic devices are not permitted on the unit.
**Can I smoke in the hospital?**
Smoking in the hospital is prohibited. Staff will hold on to your cigarettes in the nursing station. If you have off-ward privileges, then you can go outside to smoke at designated times.
If you do not have off-ward privileges, then nicotine replacement options are available. If you want support to stop smoking, please talk to your nurse.
**Can I leave the ward?**
As you progress in your treatment, passes will be made available. Appropriate use of passes will help your treatment team determine when you'll be discharged.
**What are the meal times?**
Breakfast - 8:00 am
Lunch - 12:00 pm
Dinner - 5:00 pm
Your trays will be brought to the common lounge. Please wash your hands before eating, and remember to put your tray back when you're done.
Patients are required to eat in the dining area. Eating in your rooms is not permitted.
**Can I have visitors?**
Visiting hours are everyday from 1:00 pm to 9:00 pm. You have the right to refuse a visitor. If there is someone you do not wish to see, notify your nurse well in advance. Please note that you may only have a maximum of two visitors at a time.
**What programming is available?**
Groups are at 10:30 every weekday, excluding holidays. Attendance is mandatory unless otherwise indicated in your treatment plan.
**Can I use a telephone?**
There are two patient phones on the unit. One phone is located in the common lounge, and another phone is located in the recreation room. The extensions are 4350 and 4351 respectively. Please limit your conversations to at most 10 minutes to make sure that all patients have an opportunity to use the phone.
Press 9 to dial out. Remember that only local calls are available from patient phones. If you need to make long-distance calls, phone cards are available in the gift shop downstairs.
**A note on valuables**
The hospital can't guarantee the safety of your belongings. Please leave valuable items such as laptops, cell phones, and jewellery at home. Eastown General Hospital will not reimburse you for lost, damaged, or stolen items.
**Violence and Aggression**
Absolutely //no// verbal or phyisical abuse directed at staff, patients, or visitors, is tolerated at any time. Breaking this rule may result in a loss of privileges or, if appropriate, discharge from the unit.
**Feedback and Complaints**
Your treatment team will make every effort to address your complaints in order to make your time here comfortable and safe.
If you would like to speak with a rights advisor, please tell your nurse or dial extension 1051.
If you have a complaint and want to speak to the Patient Relations Office, dial extension 2001.
<hr/>You skimmed much of it. Most of it was uninteresting, if you're being honest with yourself. You lie back in your bed and stare at the ceiling.
You are unbelievably tired from everything you've been through. You still think back to yesterday, and how close you came to ending your life. You're still here - lucky you. Survival on its own isn't very reassuring. If you never feel //better//, you still question what the use is.
It feels like all you're doing is napping today. (if: $D2AtivanGail is true)[Still, the Ativan you just took has left you quite tired. (if: $D2AtivanTara is true)[Taking two so close together has mostly wiped you out.]] You're exhausted. You lie back and try your best to sleep.
[[Try to sleep.->D2 GPU Try To Sleep]]You've read enough of these pamphlets in other hospitals - you already know the deal. You pick it up, take one last look at it, and crumple it up and throw it in the trash. If you break a rule, it wouldn't be your fault anyway - Gail didn't even try to explain the rules to you.
You sit down on the bed and start to feel quite exhausted. (if: $D2AtivanGail is true)[You begin to wonder if the Ativan is kicking in already, but you know that's not possible. Usually it takes about 20 minutes. Wishful thinking, you suppose.](else:)[You start to wonder if you should have grabbed an Ativan from Gail while she was here. It's hard to get motivated to seek her out now that she's gone. It's not like you'd talk to her if you had a choice.] You lie back on the bed and stare up at the ceiling.
It's fairly quiet in your room right now, and you appreciate the quiet. It's almost calming, but you know not to get too comfortable. Things could change at any moment.
[[Try to sleep.->D2 GPU Try To Sleep]]{
(set: $Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
(set: $D2YelledAtGailDuringIntroduction to true)
}"What the //fuck// do you know about Cassandra?" you shout, as you lift you eyes and look at her face.
Gail stares back at you with her mouth gaping open. "I can see that you're agitated right now. Perhaps you could use some Ativan?"
Now she she wants to give you an //Ativan?// You bite your tongue and think this over.
[[Accept the Ativan->D2 Gail Accept Ativan]]
[[Decline the Ativan and stop yelling at her.->D2 Gail Decline Ativan Stop Yelling]]
[[Decline the Ativan and continue lashing out.->D2 Gail Decline Ativan Continue Yelling]]You look up at her and stare into her eyes, determined to show that you're not intimidated by her domineering attitude. You can't be talked down to like a child - you refuse to allow that. You look on, intently, and say nothing.
Any onlookers would reasonably call your look a glare.
"It looks to me like you're not up for talking right now. We'll try again later." She turns around and opens the door - walking out on the conversation.
You smile to yourself. It feels like you won.
You hope the 'later' she described never comes to pass.
[[Ask for Ativan before she gets too far.->D2 Gail Ask Ativan]]
[[Continue.->D2 Notice Pamphlet]]
{
(set: $AtivanCount to $AtivanCount + 1)
(set: $D2AtivanGail to true)
}While an Ativan won't exactly quell your rage, it may help you transition to the new ward in the short-term. You look down at the floor - your entire body trembles. Your legs are both shaking uncontrollably. An Ativan - //something// - may do you some good. Plus it seems like a good way to discontinue this conversation, which is going nowhere in a hurry.
"Fine," you respond, eyes fixed on the floor.
"All right, I'll get you some Ativan, and later we'll continue our talk." You hope that later never comes.
(if: $D2AtivanTara is true)[
You hope she doesn't realize that Tara gave you an Ativan not too long ago. You say nothing and hope she didn't read your notes too carefully. It's her fault for not paying attention anyway.
]
You take a deep breath and wait for her to return. The room you're in is slightly smaller than the one from downstairs. It's somewhat unusual to be given a private room in a hospital, and you're grateful for this. Roommates can be troublesome and unpredictable.
She returns from the nursing station holding a small pill cup and a cup of water. (if: $D2AtivanTara is true)[You grin - grateful that you fooled her into giving you another one.] The Ativan will be a nice change from your present feeling of rage.
You take the pill and wash it down your throat with a cup of water.
"It should work in about 20 minutes," she says. Then she turns around and leaves - no goodbyes. Nothing.
You're glad she's gone.
[[Continue.->D2 Notice Pamphlet]]You bite your tongue for just a moment and suppress your urge to lash out at her. You want to punch the wall - you want to slam your fists into the bed and scream into the pillow.
You'd rather keep your outbursts out of sight. It would be best if any outwardly aggressive behavior went unnoticed by the hospital staff.
"Jessica," she starts.
While she's saying your name, you look up immediately and face her. You then say, "I don't want Ativan. I want to feel this."
"It might help," she says. You look down at your sneakers. The tongue is practically lifting out of your shoes, as it doesn't have the laces to hold it down. They feel more like slippers than shoes. They're sort of cozy around your feel. You press both feet into the ground in an attempt to remain present.
You still don't want to speak.
Gail notices this and adds, "You need to work on your eye contact."
You feel tempted to tell her that she needs to work on not being a bitch, but you remain silent. You're unable to think of anything productive to say.
"All right," Gail says. "I'm going to talk to my other patients, who actually //want// help." You smirk. It was a nice passive-aggressive jab. You're grateful that she is leaving.
[[Continue.->D2 Notice Pamphlet]]"Don't try to drug away your bullshit!" you continue, ignoring her blatantly offensive offer.
"I'm not trying to drug you. I just want to help," she reponds.
"Then try //helping// for a change," you snap back, your body trembling in rage.
The room goes silent. You hear some faint conversation out in the hall, though most of it is blocked by the door to your room. You look down at the floor again and cross your arms.
While it's not unusual to get a nurse who seems unsuited for the job, you can't help but be shocked by the contrast between Gail and Tara. After all, being transferred upstairs is supposed to be an improvement. You wonder if the other nurses are anything like her. You regret choosing this hospital. (if: $Formed is true)[You're increasingly desperate to leave, and you would definitely consider it if you weren't on a form.](else:)[The entire situation leaves you tempted to go home and risk your life on the outside. You're not on a form either, so that approach is certainly possible.]
You hug you body tight. Gail asks again, "Have you given more thought to the Ativan I offered?"
[[Accept the ativan.->D2 Gail Accept Ativan]]
[[Decline the ativan.->D2 Gail Decline Ativan 2]]You see a pamphlet on top of the night table. It says "**INTRODUCTION TO THE GENERAL PSYCHIATRY UNIT: Eastown General Hospital**" on the cover. Do you want to read it?
[[Read it.->D2 Read Pamphlet]]
[[Toss it out.->D2 Don't Read Pamphlet]]You shake your head. "Still not interested," you respond.
While your rage is intensely uncomfortable, you don't feel that numbing it out with drugs is the answer. You'd prefer to fully experience your anger. The anger is validating on some level. (if: $D2AtivanTara is true)[You also //just// took some Ativan about an hour ago, and you don't want to leave the impression that you're a drug seeker so early on.]
Gail continues. "All right, if you don't want Ativan then that's fine. What skills do you think you can use to deal with your feelings right now?"
You continue to stare at the floor, and you continue to say nothing. She then adds, "You need to work on your eye contact."
You want to tell her that she needs to work on not being a bitch. You gradually sink into a dissociated haze, and her voice is suddenly faint. She says, "All right, if you don't want to talk, I can't help you." She turns around and walks out.
You breathe a sigh of relief.
[[Continue.->D2 Notice Pamphlet]]You lie down and pull the thin hospital blakets over you. You only have one pillow. You try to fluff it up a little, but the results are mostly illusionary. You see the brilliant blue sky out the window, and you wonder what freedom would feel like.
(if: $Formed is true)[Life on a form isn't the worst, you suppose. It's still life, afterall.](else:)[Technically you are free to leave anytime - you just won't right now, in part because you're not motivated to go anywhere else.] It's a fact of being crazy that occasionally you need help to survive. Sometimes it's from a friend, and sometimes family will step in to hold you up. Sometimes you have no one, and you're increasingly reliant on a mental health system that only offers the bare-bones of what you need.
Not joy, not companionship, and definitely not love. Just the bare essentials. Love is such a basic need, but it cannot be commodified and doled out as part of a treatment plan.
(if: $D2AtivanGail is true)[
Your eyes feel heavy as the Ativan kicks in. (if: $D2AtivanTara is true)[No wonder - you basically took two of them in a row.] You welcome the tiredness, because it means escaping the perpetual boredom of consciousness.
[[Fall asleep.->D2 GPU Slept]]] (else:)[
You toss and turn. (if: $D2AtivanGail is true)[The Ativan you just took doesn't seem to be helping - then again, nothing seems to help during your time here.] You thrash at your blankets and nearly rip them out from under your mattress before you give up and decide to leave the room.
You get up and walk toward the common area. Maybe there is something to see.
[[Check out the common area.->D2 GPU Welcome To Hell]]]You fall into a heavy, dreamless sleep, where your body feels like a brick - stiff, sore, and unmalleable. You wrap your arms around the pillow, hoping to hang on it tightly. As your do this, you remember what it was like to sleep next to Cassandra.
You miss her so much. Thoughts of your deceased cat echo between blips of consciousness. You wrap your arms around the pillow more tightly. One of your arms props up your head, making up for the thinness of your useless pillow.
You sink deeper and deeper into the bed.
Later, you open your eyes. A loud knock at your door wakes you.
It's Gail. "Hey you. It's dinner time. Go get your tray."
You lift yourself upright and sit at the side of the bed. Your vision of Gail is blurry.
"Oh, Jessica, your friend came by earlier."
You shake your head and wipe your face with (if: $Formed is true)[the sleeve of your hospital gown.](else:)[the sleeve of your shirt.] "Pardon?" you ask.
"Jon was here and looking for you. We didn't want to wake you."
How do you feel about this?
[[Angry.->D2 GPU No Jon Angry]]
[[Sad.->D2 GPU No Jon Sad]]Your eyes tear up with an overwhelming rage. You don't feel yourself right now, and you can't believe that they turned your friend away instead of waking you up.
You've been dying to see a face from the outside. You are incredibly frustrated with yourself too - had you not taken that Ativan you were offered, this probably wouldn't have happened.
Do you want to express your anger?
[[Yes.->D2 GPU No Jon Express Anger]]
[[No.->D2 GPU No Jon Cry To Self]]"Jon ... left?" you ask, frowning.
"Yes, he went home," says Gail. You wonder if she's enjoying this. You wonder if she did it on purpose. You wonder.
"But I wanted to see him," you say.
"And I'm sure he will visit you again," she responds. "Go eat your dinner. I'm too busy to talk right now."
You shake your head slowly. She doesn't see - she has already left. You're in that odd state between rage and sorrow, and you haven't felt more helpless than you do right now. Not even the outside world can contact or assist you - or so your brain is telling you.
It's too much. You want to die, and you're stuck inside a hospital. As the thought of death becomes more present and real, you swiftly push it far out of your mind. Killing yourself here isn't the best choice. After thinking about the trauma you would put the other patients through, you feel ashamed for even considering it.
You wrap your arms around your body and give yourself a hug. The same hug you wanted from Jon.
You then stand up and head to the dining area to retrieve your tray.
[[Find your tray.->D2 GPU Find Tray]]You were so desperate to see Jon, but your frustration can't change what happened. He came, and he left. You wonder if he'll try to visit again.
You sit there frozen in rage. The fact that she would wake you up for dinner and not wake you up for a visitor - something about it feels like passive aggression. You look up and you see her seemingly clueless smile.
You want to punch her in the face.
However, not feeling up to expressing your anger, you just nod. "Thanks," you say. Then you stand up, walk past her at the door, and head toward the dining area.
[[Find your tray.->D2 GPU Find Tray]]When you reach the front of the line, you look for your room number in the dinner trays. You quickly find yours.
<hr/>**Jessica Meredith Gonzales
DOB: August 23, 1985
DIET: Standard, no known allergies
DINNER
1 hot water
1 tea bag
1 pkt sugar
1 milkette
1 pkt pepper
1 apple juice
1 milk (250ml)
1 srv turkey w/ savory gravy
1 srv mashed potatoes
1 srv stewed carrots
1 plastic spoon
1 plastic fork
1 napkin**<hr/>
You grin as you look over today's menu. Thank goodness you're finally are getting a fork. You notice no knife. You're still too crazy to own a knife. But at least there's a fork!
You look around the room to see if there is anyone you recognize from downstairs. Your go-to person, Hazel, isn't anywhere in sight. It's sad to have been transferred without her, but most hospital friendships are temporary anyway. You've grown to expect that.
Then, over in the corner, you spot Amara sitting alone. Grateful to see someone you know, you decide to walk over and join them - on the way, you hope to smooth over the awkward interaction from before. (if: $D2Coloured is true)[They didn't mind colouring with you, though, so it'll most likely be fine.]
You reach the table. You take one glance behind you, feeling somewhat nervous about how many people are in the room. You see a few people taking their trays to their rooms. (if: $D2ReadPamphlet is true)[You recall reading in the pamphlet that that wasn't allowed, but no one seems to be stopping them. It's a silly rule anyway.]
"May I sit?" you ask Amara.
"Yes," they respond. You even see a hint of a smile before their eyes dart downward to refocus on their food.
"Thanks," you say. You set your tray down and pull up a chair.
[[Start eating.->D2 GPU Dinner Start]]"Gail?" you start to imply that you have something to say.
"Yes, Jessica?" she responds.
"Why didn't you wake me up for my friend?" you ask.
"You were asleep," she responds. "I don't disturb my patients when they're asleep." Your rage surges as you hear this response - she //just// woke you up for dinner, after all. Why couldn't she wake you up for a friend?
You shoot back, "I know I was asleep, but I had a //visitor//. Now I might not see him at all." Tears roll down your face as you say this.
"I am not going to argue about this with you. You had some Ativan, you got some rest, and now it's time for dinner." She turns around and leaves.
"Why did you wake me up for //dinner// when you couldn't wake me up for my //friend?//" you shout as she walks away. You're positive that she heard you, and you're also positve that she didn't care.
What's done is done, and you said your piece. You decide it's best to go eat some dinner.
[[Find your tray.->D2 GPU Find Tray]]You search your thoughts for something to say, as if you needed to have something to say while sitting with Amara.
(if: $D2Coloured is true)[
You were both colouring downstairs with Pat. Perhaps you can ask about that. "How's your colouring project going?" you ask them.
They shrug. "The set of pencils wasn't mine," they say. "There's nothing to do."
"Can you get some during a pass?"
"No passes either."
](else:)[
You realize it's remarkable that you're even sitting with Amara right now. You ask, "When did you get transferred up here?"
Amara responds, "Maybe an hour ago."
"Maybe a couple hours for me," you respond.
They nod.
]
You cut into the small slice of turkey with the side of your fork. The potatoes are like powder - you wonder if the kitchen uses instant mashed potatoes.
You both sit in silence for a moment, unsure of what to tell each other. You can see, or at least feel, that Amara appreciates your company. You hope they do, anyway. Right now you're so burned out from dealing with Gail that you can't actually think of what to say.
It's frustrating, because you're curious about them. Is there something you would like to ask them?
[["How did you get here?"->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Hospitalization]]
[["What's your diagnosis?"->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Diagnosis]]{
(set: $MetHector to true)
(set: $D2IntroducedToHector to true)
}As you walk into the common area a white man with brown hair approaches you. In a booming voice he says, "Welcome to hell, darlin'."
You step back a bit as you size him up. It feels threatening, even though he's probably harmless. You ask in response, "What do you mean?"
"I have Gail too. Gail is a bitch," he responds. You wince at the misogynistic slur, but you can't deny having thought that yourself.
"Um, yeah," you respond.
He is standing in your way and leaning on the wall. "I'm Hector," he says. "You are?"
"Jessica," you tell him.
"That's a pretty name," he responds.
You tense up a little bit. You were hoping to just explore and check on the scenery - you weren't planning to be hit on.
[[Ask him if you can go through.->D2 GPU Hector Ask To Pass]]
[[Duck around him and keep walking.->D2 GPU Hector Dodge]]"How did you get here?" you ask.
Amara immediately frowns. They let go of their fork, and it suspends itself over the mashed potatoes.
You start to wonder if Amara is thinking of storming out, just like what happened at lunch. But they aren't reaching for their tray. They're deep in thought, with their eyes fixed on their food tray.
[[Wait.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Sister Note]]"What's your diagnosis?" you ask.
Amara shrugs. You take a deep breath. Perhaps it was a rude question, but lots of people swap diagnoses while in hospital. There isn't much else to talk about, afterall - at least it's common ground.
Your rationalizations catch up with you, and social anxiety kicks in. Your thoughts rally against you as you try to decide how to dispel the awkwardness. "You don't have to tell me," you add quickly.
They nod. Then they say, "I don't have a mental illness. I don't know why I'm here." They pause, for a moment, and make eye contact with you. "What's your diagnosis?"
[[Tell them what illnesses you have.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Diagnosis Tell]]
[[Don't tell them your diagnoses.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Diagnosis Don't Tell]]You look at Amara carefully. They cross their arms and watch you suspiciously. "Don't show it to them," they say in another whisper.
You nod, and you put the paper (if: $Formed is true)[in the front pocket of your hospital gown.](else:)[in the back pocket of your pants.]
Their eyes widen a bit. "What are you going to do with it?"
Obviously they aren't comfortable with you having it. You pause for a moment and you whisper back, "I'll flush it down the toilet," you respond.
"//No,//" Amara says. They hold out their hand, clearly wanting it back.
[[Give it back.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Give Back]]
[[Insist on keeping it.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Keep Paper]]You smile. You feel good about this friendship.
You both quietly finish eating. Occasionally you look up at each other and make eye contact. You don't mind the silence. Sometimes silence is nice.
When you're finished dinner, you both quietly return your trays. You're grateful for the time you spent getting to know Amara. It's always helpful to have company to pass the time.
You return to your room and gaze out the window.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU After Dinner]]Amara holds out their arm and takes the paper back. They fold it up and stuff it in the front pocket of their hospital gown.
"You can never be too careful around here," they say.
You aren't sure what they mean by that, but you hope that it isn't true.
[[Finish eating.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Finish]]You don't //actually// believe they're watching the outgoing sewage for anything. You're not sure why Amara thinks that's the case. "I'll get rid of it," you respond.
"Come on, Jess," they say, pleading this time.
Amara is really upset. You're not sure what they're upset about - it's not like anyone will know or care about this one piece of paper, no matter what it says. Still, you can feel their discomfort from across the table.
Are you sure you want to keep it?
[[Give it back.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Give Back]]
[[Keep it.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Keep Paper 2]]{
(set: $D2BulliedAmara to true)
}You shake your head in their direction. "You gave it to me. I want to hold on to it."
Amara slams their fists on the table, picks up their tray, and walks off. They practically shove the tray back in its original position, not caring about the uneaten food on it. A plastic spoon falls from the tray and bounces on the cold, hard floor.
You were being a bully.
Amara isn't likely to trust you again. Are you still able to eat your dinner?
[[Continue eating like nothing happened.->D2 GPU Dinner Guilt Eating]]
[[You have lost your appetite.->D2 GPU Dinner Guilt Lost Appetite]]You do have a sick feeling in your gut. You can't help that you have a conscience, and you know that you did something very wrong. You try to justify it to yourself - reminding yourself that Amara //gave// you the paper, and thus it was yours now. But you can't help but feel the guilt creeping into your rationalization.
You do finish eating your dinner, but you have to take small bites and it hurts to swallow.
You put the tray back when you're done.
What will you do with the paper?
[[Keep it.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Keep Paper Longterm]]
[[Flush it.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Flush Paper]]As what just happened sinks in, you realize that you made a huge error of judgment. Moments earlier, Amara was happy to see you, and you were forming an amiable friendship. Now, times have changed, and they will never look at you the same way again.
You look around the room and realize that you don't see a friendly face. People are socializing here and there, but most people eat by themselves in silence.
You weren't one of those people until now. The realization of being truly alone - especially now that Jon was turned away - sinks your spirits further. (if: $Formed is true)[Being on a form doesn't help matters. It would be nice if you had the option of leaving.](else:)[You consider leaving against medical advice, but you're afraid for your safety.]
What do you do with the slip of paper?
[[Keep it.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Keep Paper Longterm]]
[[Flush it.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Flush Paper]]You walk into your room and hide the paper under your pillow. You still feel a bit sore about it, but you don't want to dispose of it in a way that Amara disapproves. It feels dirty, and it feels wrong.
The entire thing feels wrong to you, but you made your choice and nothing will fix it. It will be painful to be near Amara in the future. You hope they get discharged soon, if only to diminish the awkwardness.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU After Dinner]]{
(set: $D2SawAmaraWashroom to true)
(set: $D2FlushPaper to true)
}You walk into the public washrooms and you see Amara inside, splashing water onto their face. They don't seem to notice you as you enter a stall.
Amara mumbles to themself. "They're coming. They're coming."
You drop the paper into the toilet bowl, and you flush it. It's gone.
Amara is still splashing their face as you walk out. It's hard to see them like that, but there's nothing you can do to fix it. You feel rightly sick to your stomach as you walk out of the washroom. Your friendship with Amara was new, but it wasn't nothing.
You return to your room.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU After Dinner]]"Excuse me, I'd like to get by," you say.
He watches you, grinning. Something about the way he's looking at you tickles an inner revulsion, but you try as hard as you can to suppress the feeling. The feeling isn't helping.
"Certainly, m'lady." He steps to the side, allowing you to pass. A feeling of sickness envelops you as you walk through. You are acutely aware of movement around you. You do not trust Hector. You don't trust him to keep his hands to himself.
When you're a fair distance away, you look back. Hector is still in the same spot. No one touched you.
So far, so good.
You walk to the back of the room and look out the window.
[[Look out the window.->D2 GPU Look Out Window]]{
(set: $D2HectorTooOld to true)
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
}Hector leans his hand against the wall to the right. If you timed it right, there would be just enough time to get through before he realizes and tries to block you. You quickly duck under his arm and speed past him without even bumping him.
"Aw c'mon darling," he says as you walk by. "Am I too old for you?"
[[Tell him off.->D2 GPU Hector Tell Off]]
[[Ignore him.->D2 GPU Hector Ignore]]{
(set:$Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
}(if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[It feels like standing up for yourself is the only thing you've been doing since you got here. Your regular outbursts haven't won you any favours with staff, but it still feels beyond your control. It's just one agitating situation after another.](else:)[It feels as though all the suppressed rage is crashing down. The entire hospital experience has been heavy and it's remarkable that you've mostly kept your cool so far. But you can't handle being harassed. Not right now, not with Gail already breathing down your neck.]
"Why are the men here so //gross?//" you spit back. "Stay the fuck away from me!"
A man in the audience looks up from the TV and responds, "Hey, not all men-"
"Fuck you!" you cut him off.
He shakes his head and looks back at the TV. "Women."
You want to chop his head off for the "women" comment, but you show some restraint. Hector is no longer bothering you. You wish there was a women's ward at this hospital, so that you wouldn't have to deal with this crap.
You hide your tears as you walk to the back of the common room and look out the window.
[[Look out the window.->D2 GPU Look Out Window]]You roll your eyes and keep walking. Too old for you? No, he's too gross for you. You like your men to have a little tact.
You breathe slowly as you walk through the room.
You wonder if Gail would be able to help with this situation - but you don't believe she would. She would probably lecture you about your conflict resolution skills.
As you're walking past a table, you suppress your urge to slam a fist on it. You also suppress your urge to scream at the top of your lungs. None of this feels right.
You reach the back of the room, and you find a window. You look out at the city.
[[Look out the window.->D2 GPU Look Out Window]]You see city. City, city, and more city. Cars dashing around like little ants, going here and there. Going about their lives. You wonder what it's like to own a car.
As you gaze out the window, someone approaches you from behind. You aren't as vigilant as you were when passing Hector. You don't have the energy to be vigilant all the time.
A familiar voice speaks. "Hey!"
You jump immediately, startled by the person who managed to sneak up on you. You whip your body around and face her.
(if: $MetPatricia is true)[
"Pat!" you say.
"That's right, and don't you forget it. How are you doing, girl?"
](else:)[
You recognize her as the person who criticized Hazel in the hallway. You honestly didn't expect to see her again, but seeing a familiar face in this strange place is oddly comforting.
"My name is Patricia. You can call me Pat. We were downstairs together."
"Right! Pat! I'm Jessica." She makes you feel less alone. It's helpful.
"How are you doing, girl?"
]
Inwardly, you cringe at being called 'girl', but at least she isn't sexually harassing you. "I'm fine, I guess."
"I've met Hector here before," she says. "He's gross sometimes, but he means well."
You nod slowly. Her defense of Hector isn't winning her much favour, but at least she's someone to talk to. Sometimes it doesn't matter who you're talking to, as long as there's someone.
"What are you in for?" she asks.
[[Tell her.->D2 GPU Jon Arrives]]
[[Don't tell her.->D2 GPU Jon Arrives]]{
(set: $MetPatricia to true)
(set: $D2PatriciaAtWindow_1 to true)
}{
(set: $D2SawJon to true)
}Before you can say anything, Gail's voice calls your name. "//Jess,// you have a visitor."
Not a moment too soon. You wave goodbye to Pat and dodge the awkward conversation. She smiles at you as you speedwalk away.
You shout "Jon!" as you storm past Hector and enter the hallway. You turn the corner and see a short white man. He has short, dark hair, is clean shaven, and has a few pimples on his face. He smiles as you approach him.
"Hey Jess!" he calls out.
You run over and wrap your arms around him tightly. "//Thank you.//" He hugs you back just as tightly.
Gail says from behind you, "Hey, not too close, you two."
//Not too close?// You turn around and glare at her. You want to punch her in the face for that comment, but it's easier to let it slide.
Gail says, "Dinner's here."
The cart with the meal trays is pushed out of the elevator by an unseen person. You run up while it is moving and immediately scan for your food tray - you don't want to waste any visiting time with Jon. The person pushing it says, "//Hey.// Excuse me, miss." You quickly retrieve your tray and lead Jon to your room. (if: $D2ReadPamphlet is true)[You remember that eating in your room is against the rules, but you don't care right now. You don't want to split your attention to Jon with anyone else. Probably no one will think to stop you.]
You walk in and put it on your bed. Jon closes the door behind you. You sit closer to the head of the bed, and he sits across from you. The meal tray rests between you.
Jon picks up the printout that comes with the tray. "Yum, turkey with savory gravy! And mashed potatoes!"
You lift the lid off your plate and see something resembling turkey, potatoes, and a bunch of mushy carrots. "Delicious," you say. You're hungry. It doesn't really matter how good it tastes.
[[Start Eating->D2 GPU Jon Eating]]You take a huge bite of the potatoes with your plastic fork - the mashed potatoes have no texture, and you wonder if it's just rehydrated potato powder. Again, you're so hungry that you don't care. You gobble it up.
"Sorry, Jon" you say through a mouthful of potatoes. You swallow them. "They never feed us enough in here."
He laughs. "I've never seen you eat like that."
"I'm not normally this hungry."
Jon nods. "No worries."
You stop for a moment and put down your plastic fork - it //just// occurs to you that you got a plastic fork instead of a spoon. No knife though. Could you stab someone with a plastic knife? You spend a moment wondering if it's possible. Then you look up at Jon. "Thank you for coming," you say.
He nods and smiles. "It's always good to see you."
"Thank you." You take a forkful of carrots - they taste mostly like water, but perhaps there's a nutrient hiding somewhere in there.
(if:$D2JonAskLater is true)[
"So, Jess, what happened earlier today? While I was on the phone, I mean."
You respond, again, with your mouth full, "Some asshole was invading my personal space downstairs."
He nods. "It didn't sound good. You sounded anxious. I was worried I did something."
"//I'm// the one with the anxiety disorder," you joke.
He laughs. "I'm glad we have that sorted out."
You force a smile. "Thank you."
]
Jon stretches his legs out and leans on the wall. He then turns to you and asks, "What happened Jess? You seemed to be doing well."
You were waiting for this. Waiting for when the conversation would turn serious.
[[Tell him about Cassandra.->D2 GPU Jon Talk About Cat]]
[[Tell him you're falling apart.->D2 GPU Jon Be Vague]]{
(set: $D2ToldJonCatDead to true)
}"Jon, you know, Cassandra?"
He smiles and nods. "I //love// her. She's a sweetheart." He pauses a moment, and begins talking more quickly. His voice emits a nervous energy. "Do you need me to check on her?"
Tears run down your cheek. "She's dead."
His face drops immediately. "What? When did it happen?"
"A few weeks ago," you respond.
"You should have called."
"I wasn't able to call," you say. You remember being unable to talk on the phone. You remember ignoring the calls from work. "I'm probably fired now too. I stopped going to work."
"Wait! You weren't going to work?" he says - his voice shakes a little. You can tell he's afraid for you. "Jess, you can't just do that. You need to work."
You shake your head. "What's the fucking point if I'm going to die anyway?"
He bites his tongue, and looks at you with wide eyes. Moments pass, just staring at each other. "Now I'm worried," he says. "Can someone here call your boss and advocate for you?"
You shrug your shoulders. "I don't know who to ask."
"Can I ask for you?" he says.
You nod slowly. It doesn't seem like a bad idea, but you're not convinced that hospital staff will help.
Speak of the devil. Gail walks in to check on you.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Jon Ask Help Calling Boss]]"It's just been so hard," you say, unsure of how to proceed.
(if: $ERReallyHard is true)[The ER doctor didn't buy this, and Jon isn't either.] Jon looks at you sympathetically and nods, adding, "I sometimes wish you'd open up a bit more, Jess."
You shake your head. "No one knows what it's like."
"I want to understand, that's all. Did something happen?"
[[Tell him about Cassandra.->D2 GPU Jon Talk About Cat]]
[[Nothing happened.->D2 GPU Jon Say Nothing Happened]]"Really. I don't know what's wrong with me." Tears drip down your face. (if: $GTalkedAboutCat is true)[You //do// know what's wrong, but it's so hard to talk about it with someone you're close to. The relationship feels precarious.](else:)[You //do// know what's wrong, but you can't seem to talk about it.] Bludgeoned by enduring shame, you fear connecting with anyone - even your best friend.
He looks down, breaking eye contact. Your heart races as you suddenly expect him to hurl abusive language at you.
You take a deep breath. Slowly in. Slowly out.
Jon is not here to hurt you.
He says, "I'm sorry you're hurting like this. Maybe we should play a game?"
You nod slowly. A game sounds like a good alternative to sharing something you can't bear to share right now.
"We can go ask for it?" you say.
"Sure," Jon says. "I can just go, if you want."
[[Go together.->D2 GPU Get Game Together]]
[[Send Jon.->D2 GPU Send Jon]]Gail looks at both of you, and at once you're aware of the meal tray between you. You're mostly finished your dinner, and now you're afraid of getting in trouble for eating in your room.
Gail says, "I need you to keep the door open."
"Why?" you shoot back.
"To make sure there's no funny business."
"We're //friends.//" you say. You feel the weight of the entire hospital on your shoulders. "I would like to have the door closed for privacy."
Gail shakes her head. "No can do."
Jon looks at you with a bewildered expression on his face. He whispers, "Should I say something?"
You shake your head at Jon. There's nothing he can really say.
He looks over at Gail. "Excuse me?"
Gail responds, "What is it?"
Jon says, "Listen, Jess here needs some help. She hasn't been going to work, and she needs someone to call her employer and advocate for her."
Gail raises an eyebrow. "Jessica, perhaps you can call your workplace tomorrow. We prefer that our patients self advocate."
Jon snaps. "So you don't like doing work?"
Your mouth drops. Why is Jon doing this? It can't help you. It will only enrage your abusive nurse.
Gail responds, "We do things a bit differently here."
Jon rises to his feet. "It would be //negligent// to ignore her employment situation. Completely negligent." He goes on, saying more of the same, as Gail stands expressionless and watches him.
Finally Gail interrupts him, "//All right.// I'll see what I can do." She turns around and leaves
How do you feel about what Jon just did?
[[Grateful.->D2 GPU Jon Grateful]]
[[Annoyed.->D2 GPU Jon Annoyed]]{
(set: $D2JonBadVisit to true)
}You both leave the room. You glance down the hallway both ways - empty right now, oddly enough. You gradually make your way to the nursing station, and Jon follows closely behind you.
"Are they treating you well here?" Jon asks.
A loaded question. You shrug your shoulders. It doesn't really matter how they're treating you. You just need to be safe.
The silence is unbearable and you wonder if Jon is expecting a real answer. With each passing second, a proper response is less likely to come.
You reach the nursing station. You knock on the door.
No one inside looks up. They never do.
The moments passing feel like eternity. A few of the nurses are gathered around, and Gail is sitting at a computer clicking a few things here and there.
"Is it always like this?" Jon asks.
You nod.
"How do you deal with this?"
[["Are you really asking me that?"->D2 GPU Jon Really Really]]
[[Say nothing.->D2 GPU Jon Say Nothing.]]"Can you go?" you ask. You're not feeling ready to face the circus at the nursing station. Besides, your visitor may get a better reception. Most people behave better when they're accountable.
He agrees and leaves the room. As soon as he leaves, you experience a flood of loneliness. It's hard when visitors are out of sight. You want to maximize your time with Jon. You start to wish you had accompanied him.
You look around for things to do while he waits. You see the meal tray on your bed. You pick the meal tray off of the bed and carry it over to the desk to set it down. After that's done, you lie back on your bed and wait for Jon again.
You wait.
And you wait.
He reappears in the doorway. You scramble to your feet to get a look at him. He is carrying nothing.
"What happened?" you ask.
"Do they always just ignore you?"
"I was hoping that they wouldn't ignore //you,//" you respond.
"Well, they did."
"Well, shit." You don't have much more to add. Venting about the staff won't help anything.
[[Go with Jon - hopefully they won't ignore both of you.->D2 GPU Get Game Together]]
[[Forget about playing a game.->D2 GPU Jon Forget About Game]]"Are you //really// asking me that?" you respond, short and snappy.
He shakes his head. "Nevermind."
Nevermind? Sorry would have been nice. Compared to what you are going through, how hard could this be for him? You stay present with your rage. It's better to honour it. It feels better anyway. Maybe.
You knock again. And again.
You shake your head. "I give up. You can't get //anything// in this fucking place." You walk back to your room. Jon follows behind you.
[[Return to your room.->D2 GPU Jon Return To Room]]Instead of responding to Jon's rude question, you let it go. You lean on the railing on the wall of the nursing station, and peer inward watching them.
Gail keeps typing away at her computer like she doesn't give a shit. You're //convinced// that she doesn't give a shit.
You slam your fist on the window just once.
No one reacts. No one even flinches.
"Fuck this," you say.
"Jess? Are you sure that's a good idea?" Jon asks.
"What?"
"Striking the window?"
"No one here gives a shit," you say, unable to contain your anger. "Let's just go."
"All right," Jon says. You both set off for your room again.
[[Return to your room.->D2 GPU Jon Return To Room]]You sit down on your bed and cross your arms. Jon settles down next to you. "This place sucks the life out of me," you say.
Jon nods. "I'm sorry. Will you stay here until you're safe to leave?"
You shrug your shoulders. "Sure," you say. (if: $Formed is true)[You're formed - it's not like you can walk out of here anyway.](else:)[It's not like there's anything else to do.]
"Thanks," he says.
You both sit in silence. Sometimes it is nice to sit in silence with people you care about, but not this time. The tension from Jon's rude question is still fresh.
Jon doesn't always say the best things. Not that you do either. You just wish, in this moment, that he would try harder.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Jon Leave Rude Question]]While you didn't exactly appreciate the way it came about, you do appeciate Jon for caring. "Thanks," you say, "I hope she actually does something."
"I hope so too," he says.
"Jon?" you ask.
"Yeah?"
"Do you think things will get easier?"
He nods. "I am confident that things will get easier. I know it's not easy, especially when you lose someone you love."
A tear rolls down your face. "Why is it so hard, Jon?"
He doesn't respond. He half-smiles and gives you a sympathetic look. "I'm sad to hear about Cass too, but it wasn't your fault."
[[Tell him she was sick the night before.->D2 GPU Jon Cass Your Fault]]
[[Don't tell him.->D2 GPU Jon Cass Not Your Fault]]Jon's outburst was nothing short of frustrating, even if he did mean well. You sit trembling, wondering how you'll be able to face Gail after he goes home. You cross your arms tightly and look up at him.
"//Jon,// I know you were just trying to help, but can you cool it?"
"What do you mean?" He frowns as he notices your frustration.
"Look," you say, "I know it's frustrating to watch, but I'm //living it.// I still have to deal with Gail after you leave."
He nods. "But you're getting an advocate now."
"You don't know that!" you snap. "She didn't even agree to anything, she just said she'd look into it - //you're not helping!//"
Frustrated tears creep down your face. An intolerable mixture of sadness, rage, and dread brews in your mind. You throw yourself down at the bed and scream into the pillow. One of your legs knocks the meal tray off the bed and it crashes on the floor.
You look up again and you see milk rolling onto the floor and some carrots splayed across it.
"//Fuck!//" you shriek loudly.
Jon looks on blankly - emotionless. And more anger brews - how could he not care? How could he not be fixing this for you?
"Is there paper towel anywhere?" he asks.
"In the dining room, maybe," you respond.
"I'm on it." He walks out of your room.
You sit on the bed, frozen as you look at the mess beneath you. You curse yourself for your tantrum. It can't be helped though. You have to deal with the present.
[[Wait for Jon.->D2 GPU Jon Wait For Paper Towels]]Jon scurries back into the room, holding a roll of paper towels. You ask, "Where did you find that?"
He responds, "I just grabbed it off the table."
You nod.
Do you want to help him clean up?
[[Help.->D2 GPU Jon Paper Towels Help]]
[[Let Jon do it.->D2 GPU Jon Paper Towels Don't Help]]You hop off the bed and get on your hands and knees to wipe up the spills. Jon seems to be working on the milk, so you pick up the stray carrots here and there and put them back on the plate.
You wipe up the orange, gooey shrapnel.
Jon seems to be done with the milk, although he has amassed a large pile of paper towels. You both deposit your paper towels onto the tray. You then lift it and put it on the table across from your bed.
"Thanks," you say. You cross your arms and hold yourself tightly. You don't want the shame to take over, but it is making inroads.
What a nightmare.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Jon Leave After Cleanup]]You want to help, but you're frozen in place. Jon gets to work, and you can't help but hide your face. Your mind races in circles, repeating what brought you here to this moment.
Were you being fair to Jon? Probably not. Definitely not, now that he's picking up after your tantrum. You think of apologizing. You consider apologizing. You probably would apologize, if you could talk.
Jon seems to almost be finished cleaning up. He puts a stack of wet paper towels on the tray, and then he moves the tray from the ground to the table across from your bed.
"Good as new," he says. You wonder if he's trying to make you smile.
You nod. "Thanks," you say. You can't properly express your gratitude right now.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Jon Leave After Cleanup]]{
(set: $D2JonBadVisit to true)
}"Hey Jess?"
"Yes?"
"I have to head out," he says.
You smile a bit. "We should do this again sometime."
"Yeah, maybe." //Maybe.// It always hurts to hear that when you're stuck here.
You look across the room at the meal tray with the mountain of wet paper towels. Then you look down at pristine, shiny floor below. You're not sure what to say - goodbyes are always hard.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Jon Leave Come Again]]"Depression and anxiety. I'm pretty boring."
Amara shakes their head. "Not boring. Lots of people have it. At least your illness is relateable."
You tilt your head. "Yours isn't?"
Amara shakes their head again. "I have experiences that fit in the psychiatric umbrella, but that doesn't make me ill."
"Does it make you less boring?"
They laugh softly. "You could say that.
Do you want to ask them anything else?
[["Is anyone coming to visit you?"->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Anyone Visit]]
[["What do you do when you're not here?"->D2 GPU Dinner Amara What They Do]]You let out some laughter. For the situation, it's quite comical. "I don't think I can say."
Amara looks at you with serious eyes. "Why ask me, then?"
You shrug your shoulders. "Just curious."
"Everyone here is a little bit strange," Amara says as they push some carrots around on their plate. You look down at your own food as they continue. "Only just a little bit. And not bad-strange. Interesting-strange."
You nod.
They nod.
Do you want to ask them anything else?
[["Is anyone coming to visit you?"->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Anyone Visit]]
[["What do you do when you're not here?"->D2 GPU Dinner Amara What They Do]]"Is anyone coming to visit you?"
Amara looks down at the table. "I don't want visitors."
Amara's response is confusing. Just moments ago you were disappointed that you didn't get to see Jon. Not wanting visitors is beyond your comprehension right now.
They continue. "I would like to see someone, if it were possible."
"Who would you like to see?" you ask.
"Hang on," they say.
[[Wait.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Sister Note]] "What do you do when you're not here?"
Amara looks down at their food and picks at it. "I live with my family," they say.
You nod. Lots of people do. You sometimes wish your family wasn't so far away. There isn't much anyone can do when you're in a crisis.
Amara looks as if they're about to tell you something.
[[Wait.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Sister Note]]They whisper across the table, "My, um, just a moment."
Amara takes a coloured pencil out of their pocket. (if: $D2Coloured is true)[You recognize it from the set of pencils you colouring with earlier.] They tear off a small sheet of paper from their menu printout. They scribble down something on a piece of paper and hand it over to you.
<hr/><p style="text-align:center">**This room is bugged. My younger sister convinced me to come here. I don't think she fully understands.**</p><hr/>
You hold it in your hand for a moment, and Amara is watching you carefully.
What will you do with the paper?
[[Hand it back to Amara.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Give Back]]
[[Put it in your pocket.->D2 GPU Dinner Amara Put Paper in Pocket]]"Jon - you don't understand. It //was// my fault."
Jon shakes his head. "Jess, this can happen to anyone. Cats don't live forever."
"But she was //sick//, and I didn't take her to the vet."
His smile drops into a frown. "Wait a minute - you saw she was sick and didn't call the vet?"
"I let her die!" you shout back. He sits and watches you in silence as tears roll down your face. You look up. He's crying too.
He wipes a tear from his face. "You wouldn't just not take her to the vet. I know you."
You wrap your arms around your legs and hold them tightly. "She was sick the night before," you say. "I didn't take her to the emergency vet. Now she's dead."
"Jess, you didn't do anything wrong."
[[Insist that you did do something wrong.->D2 GPU Jon Cass Your Fault Insist]]
[[Let it go.->D2 GPU Jon Cass Let Go]]"Thanks," you mutter with little sincerity. It's still really hard to tell people about this.
Jon nods. "Somethings eating at you. I can see it."
You shake your head. "Cass is gone. I am sad. That's life." You avoid mentioning what really happened. "I'll have to leave here eventually."
"Take as long as you need," he responds.
You wonder if you //can// tell him that Cassandra's death is your fault. Maybe he'll still accept you. Maybe.
[[Tell him.->D2 GPU Jon Cass Your Fault]]
[[Bottle it up.->D2 GPU Jon Cass Bottle Up]]"Come again?" you ask.
"Sure. If there's time, yeah."
//If there's time.// You suppress your reaction to what he said. It's not that you're unappreciative. It just feels like you're barely surviving in this strange environment, and Jon's presence made it feel a bit less strange. "Thank you," you say, swallowing your reaction. There will be time to unpack this later.
You both wait at the nursing station for what seems like ages until someone unlocks the elevator. You wave goodbye as the elevator doors close.
As soon as he's gone, the crushing loneliness takes over. You walk back to your room, where no one will bother you, in order to sort out your thoughts and feelings.
[[Go back to your room.->D2 GPU After Dinner]]Jon speaks suddenly. "Hey, Jess? I should get going."
Leaving already? You exhale a deep sigh. You wonder if it was something you said, but you don't think you'll ever truly know.
It might be nothing. Maybe he's tired.
It won't matter in the long run anyway.
[[Say goodbye.->D2 GPU Jon Leave Come Again]]{
(set: $D2JonBadVisit to true)
}You want to believe Jon, but a horrible feeling in your gut tells you otherwise. It tells you that if you got Cassandra to the vet in time, her death would have been avoided. It tells you that you failed her as her caretaker.
"Jon, are you even listening to yourself? You won't even respond to what I said."
"What do you mean?" Jon asks.
"When I told you I //knew// she was sick, all you did was say it's not my fault." Jon frowns as he looks at you. You give him some space to respond. Moments pass, and he has yet to say anything. You then say, "Either we live in an alternate universe where I have absolutely no responsibility to care for my cat when she is ill, or it is my fault she's dead."
Jon sighs. "Jess, I still don't think-"
"But can you admit I played a role in it?" you fire back.
Jon shakes his head. "This is too much. I think I better go."
[["Then go."->D2 GPU Jon Cass Just Go]]
[["Wait! I'm sorry!"->D2 GPU Jon Cass Apologize]]{
(set: $D2JonTalkedCassandra to true)
}"All right, fine," you say.
Jon looks at the wall on the opposite end of the room. He says nothing for a moment. And then he says, "Jess, I hope you will see the truth soon."
"I just don't understand. Why can't anyone admit that it's my responsibility?(if: $D2GailTalkedAboutCat is true)[ Except my fucking nurse, I guess.]"
Jon shakes his head. "Jess, can you at least see that you have less responsibility than you think? No reasonable person would blame you for it.(if: $D2GailTalkedAboutCat is true)[ Your nurse is a bitch. Of all people, please don't take //her// word.]"
(if: $D2GailTalkedAboutCat is true)[
"I wish you would stop using that word," you shoot back.
"OK, then Gail is an //asshole//. My point still stands," he says.
]
You hold your arms close to you and hug yourself tight. Jon is lovely to a fault. On some level you can see things from his perspective - that perhaps your degree of responsibility isn't the what you've been thinking.
You at least decide that it's better not to argue about this. Best to redirect the conversation before either of you get too upset.
"Jon, maybe we can talk about something else?"
He nods. "Sure."
[[Ask Jon about work.->D2 GPU Jon Ask Work]]
[[Ask Jon about his family.->D2 GPU Jon Ask Family]]It is now the evening, though you don't exactly know what time it is. You watch the sun set as the horizon becomes a brilliant shade of purple and red.
Your bedroom window is a window to another world - a world you aren't a part of anymore. You don't know what time it is, and you keep reaching for your phone to check. Some hospitals allow patients to keep their phones, and whenever they don't, you wish they would catch up with the 21st century.
Nonetheless, you have time to kill. You decide to walk to the common area to see what's happening.
You look the room over. The couches around the TV are already taken. (if: $MetPatricia is true)[You see Patricia in the corner, staring out the window.](else:)[You see a familiar woman staring out the window, though you can't determine who she is.] (if: $MetHector is true)[Hector sits in a group of three men and one woman, and they're playing a card game.](else:)[A group of three men and one woman sit at a table playing a card game.]
(if: $MetHector is true)[Suddenly Hector shouts at the woman in the group.](else:)[Suddenly one of the men playing cards shouts at the woman in the group.] "Don't be such a whiny bitch. I won fair and square! Yeah, you //should// cry."
You look around the room for a nurse. There are no nurses in sight. No one in the room seems to care. Do you step in?
[[Step up and defend her.->D2 GPU Hector Defend Woman]]
[[Keep an eye on the situation.->D2 GPU Hector Watch]]
[[Mind your own business.->D2 GPU Hector Mind Business]]{
(set: $HectorBully to true)
}You take a deep breath and clench your fists. It feels like your gut is turning inside-out - you've never been so afraid for your own safety in a hospital setting. You //could// just turn back and change your mind, but what's happening is wrong.
You put one foot in front of the other and approach the man with a fearless expression. There's no sense in showing any weakness.
He continues to berate her. "Get the fuck out of here. I know you'll never pay me back. You never ever will. You're a deadbeat."
You stand next to the woman he's attacking. Your body towers over him. He stops for a moment and looks up at you.
(if: $MetHector is not true)[
"Who are you?" he asks.
"Jessica." you respond.
"Hector. A pleasure."
](else-if: $D2IntroducedToHector is true)[
He looks up at you - obviously remembering you from earlier today. "Hello again, Jessica."
]
"Leave her alone," you demand.
"Excuse me?" he responds.
"You heard me."
He stands up. His eyes cast a fiery rage. "This isn't what you think it is. We're friends."
Do you believe him?
[[Accept his explanation.->D2 GPU Hector Accept Explanation]]
[[Ask the woman if she's OK.->D2 GPU Ask Woman If OK]]
{
(set: $MetHector to true)
}The woman (if: $MetHector is true)[Hector](else:)[being] berated looks around the room a moment. She still holds her hand of cards.
"Come on Hector. What's your problem?" she asks.
Hector(if: $MetHector is not true)[ - you presume -] responds, "//You're// the problem. Fucking nutcase. Why don't you beg someone else for coffee?"
You take a deep breath. No one is stepping in to help her, but you're not sure if it's wise to get involved. If Hector isn't intimidated by you, it could make you a target.
[[Stand up for her anyway.->D2 GPU Hector Defend Woman]]
[[Leave it. You don't need the hassle.->D2 GPU Hector Stay Out Of It]]
{
(set: $MetHector to true)
}
You know from experience that it's best not to get involved when a copatient is being a bully. You can't do any good. At best you might be able to stop what's happening at that moment, but you're not omnipotent. You also risk becoming a target.
You look out the window at the sunset again, but this time in the common area. You hear a female voice shouting, "Hector! What's your issue?" (if: $MetHector is not true)[His name must be Hector.]
Hector responds, "//You're// the problem. Fucking nutcase. Why don't you beg someone else for coffee?"
He's escalating. This is getting difficult to ignore. The rage is building inside of you. You want to kick his ass.
[[Help her after all.->D2 GPU Hector Defend Woman]]
[[Stay out of it.->D2 GPU Hector Stay Out Of It]]{
(set: $MetHector to true)
}"Then go," you say blankly. You can't bear to lift yourself off of the bed to hug him goodbye.
The sting of abandonment hurts you deeply. You can't believe your best friend is doing this to you. A part of you knows that the situation is more complex than your experience of it, but that remains a relatively quiet voice. All you can see right now is Jon leaving you. You can't look at this any differently.
Perhaps defiantly, you remain seated. Jon pauses at the doorway on his way up. He looks at you - frowning.
Will you see him out?
[[Walk him to the elevator.->D2 GPU Jon Walk To Elevator]]
[[Remain in your room.->D2 GPU Jon Don't Say Bye]]
"Wait! I'm sorry!" The threat of Jon going home now fills you with a sense of dread. The dread compels you to urgently beg him not to abandon you. "I'm sorry. You're right. I'm being hard on myself. I'm sorry. Please don't leave. Please don't leave!"
Jon is gathering his belongs. "I'm sorry Jess. I'm glad you're here."
"Please don't hate me. I didn't mean to harm Cass. Please."
He shakes his head. "I //don't// hate you. You're still my friend. I just need space. We'll talk again."
You're stand in front of him. You are crying. "OK," you mutter.
[[Say goodbye.->D2 GPU Jon Leave Come Again]]"What do you want to do when I get out?" you ask him. It seems as worthy as any conversation starter. It's also nice to have a focus.
"Want to go to Wonderland?" he responds.
"I don't like rollercoasters," you say. The sadness in your voice is evident - you don't like much of anything right now.
"Yeah, but don't you want to do something crazy?"
You shrug. "I guess being scared to death is beyond my tolerance."
"Then what kind of crazy do you want?"
You think for a moment about something you //really// want to do. Something that addresses a need you have right now. Then you say, "What about an all-you-can-eat buffet? I'd like to go to one and //literally// eat all that I can eat." You laugh as you say it.
Jon laughs too. "That sounds great," he says. "It'll be a nice change from what you're eating now."
You nod. "All-you-can-eat hospital food would be //the worst.//" You look down at the tray sitting between you and Jon. Bits of uneaten carrot stick to the plastic plate.
[[Ask Jon about work.->D2 GPU Jon Ask Work]]
[[Ask Jon about his family.->D2 GPU Jon Ask Family]]"How is work going?" you ask.
Jon is an electrical engineer. When he tries to talk about work, you often have no idea what he's on about. Still, you would rather hear him ramble about circuit board designs - it's way easier than dealing with what's in your head.
You also feel an obligation to make the visit worthwhile for him. You're afraid that he'll never come back if you're just a big pile of sadness, so you let him talk. You let him talk a lot more than you normally might.
You hope, deeply, that //he// is having a quality visit, moreso than you.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Jon Leave No Game]]"How's your mother doing?" you ask.
Jon looks down. "She has been really down lately. The pain is getting to her."
Jon continues to talk about his mother, and later, the rest of his family. You try to pay attention and nod at the appropriate moments, but reality is harsh. It doesn't sound like his mom is doing well - you knew she was sick, but it was difficult to appreciate //how sick.// Now that you're stuck in a hospital environment, it's a bit easier to empathize.
And empathy hurts.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Jon Leave No Game]]The conversation with your friend winds down a bit. You both speak in shorter sentences, with increasingly larger gaps of time between them.
After a while, the gaps are hard to ignore, and you return to your reality: a patient in the hospital.
At precisely that point Jon says, "I think I ought to head home."
It's bittersweet. You're happy to see him despite not being in the best space. You try to cope with his imminent departure, but you're flooded with thoughts of Cassandra.(if: $D2ToldJonCatDead is not true)[ A booming voice tells you that, if Jon knew the truth, he would surely hate you, and this visit never would have happened.
You sit with this feeling of dread and manipulation while Jon picks up his belongings. You can't bear to lose him, so you can't bear to share the truth of your negligence.
](else:)[
You feel undeserving of Jon's company. You can't seem to look at Cassandra's death the same way Jon has. If Cassandra were a human baby you'd probably be charged with negligence. How is this any different?
You continue to fight with this, resolving nothing.
]
[[Say goodbye.->D2 GPU Jon Leave Come Again]]You get up and walk with Jon to the elevators. The two of you are rather silent. You regret fighting like this. You regret losing control of your feelings. Each step you take is closer to goodbye, yet neither of you are treating it like one. The two of you have already checked-out.
You wait at the elevator across from the nursing station. You try to get a nurse's attention to let him out. You knock on the window and point to Jon.
They open the elevator. He walks in. It shuts.
You want to fall over and melt into the floor. You wish so deeply that you didn't have to exist right now.
You wonder if Jon will ever talk to you again.
[[Go back to your room.->D2 GPU After Dinner]]You fall into the bed and roll to the side. You embrace yourself with your crossed arms.
Jon waves. "Sorry Jess. We'll talk." With that he leaves.
You lie there overthinking what Jon had just said to you. We'll talk? What is that supposed to mean? You don't know. And right now, you wonder if he's leaving you forever.
You hope dearly that that isn't the case, but you mourn the end of your friendship anyway.
Occasionally a little voice flitters in, reminding you that Jon isn't leaving you forever. Still, that small blip of light is overshadowed by your deep feelings of loss.
Jon left. You're still here. You're going nowhere, and you have nothing.
[[Get up and look out the window.->D2 GPU After Dinner]]You listen to the verbal abuse as you walk to the window. He isn't letting up, but you're not about to make this your problem.
You stop at the window and look out at the city - the horizon grows dimmer, and the city's skyline lights up. You try to lose yourself in the view of the city and tune out (if: $MetHector is true)[Hector's](else:)[the angry man's] tirade.
There is a woman standing beside you, also looking out. (if: $MetPatricia is not true)[You recognize her as the person who criticized Hazel downstairs.](else:)[It's Patricia!] (if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[You're still wary of her because of the way she talked about your friend.](else:)[She wasn't nice to Hazel, but you're not as troubled by that now.]
"Hector's going off on one of his rants again," she says.
(if: $MetHector is not true)[
"That's his name?"
(if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[The woman] nods. "Mmhmm."
]
"What's his deal anyway?" you ask.
(if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[She] shrugs. "He has anger problems. I think that's why he's here." She pauses for a moment, and then adds, "But I actually don't know."
(if: $D2IntroducedToHector is true)[
All you can think about is your earlier encounter with him. He gave off some terrifying vibes. "He was really creepy with me earlier today."
"How so?" she asks.
(if: $D2HectorTooOld is true)[
You shudder. "He asked if he was too old for me."
](else:)[
"He blocked my way to get me to talk to him."
]
(if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[She] shakes her head. "Listen girl, sometimes men are inappropriate, but you have to keep your head up. You don't want to be alone forever. Trust me."
](else:)[
Anger problems? That may explain a few things, but it's not a good excuse for his behaviour. Your body feels heavy and your chest tightens. You take deeper breaths to slow down your breathing.
]
(if: $D2HectorTooOld is true)[[["I'm not going to be alone, and that wasn't my point anyway."->D2 GPU Patricia Not Alone]]
][["Do you think Hector is dangerous?"->D2 GPU Hector Dangerous]]
[["I wish a nurse would stop him."->D2 GPU Hector Wish Nurse Stop Him]]{
(set: $MetHector to true)
}You hair stands on end as you assess the unfolding situation. She still looks upset, and you doubt Hector's sincerity. Still, it might be best to avoid conflict for the time being. On the ward, you never quite know who you're fighting with. As much as you want to dismiss the //violent mental patient// stereotype - and experience tells you it really is a baseless sterotype - you'd rather not take your chances in a cramped, locked ward.
To that end, you make eye contact with Hector who is towering over you - trying to intimidate you, no less.
You say, "Be nice to your friends, Hector."
With that, you quietly excuse yourself from the common area. You take one last look around and notice that many people in the room are intently watching what just unfolded.
Does this make you nervous?
[[Yes.->D2 GPU Hector Nervous]]
[[No.->D2 GPU Hector Not Nervous]]You stand your ground, and turn to face the woman he was bullying. "Are you OK?"
She responds, "I'm fine." The response feels short and abrupt. She obviously isn't OK, but you aren't sure that you're doing any good right now. You may just be making this harder on her.
You look at Hector - it's more of a glare than a look - and try to decide what to do.
[[Excuse yourself quietly.->D2 GPU Don't Intimidate Hector]]
[[Excuse yourself, but let him know that you have your eye on him.->D2 GPU Intimidate Hector]]{
(set: $D2HectorTooOld to true)
(set: $D2IntroducedToHector to true)
}
[[D2 GPU Hector Stay Out Of It]]You shoot back, "I'm not going to be alone, and that wasn't my point anyway."
She shrugs. "I'm just saying you worry too much. It's not like any of this will matter when you get out." She glances over at you and sees what must be a disapproving expression. "Look, I like you OK? I don't want this place to ruin you."
You place a hand on your chest - your heart hurts. You always thought you were finished with places like this, but your stubborn side brought you here. Probably some element of hope keeps you here. (if: $Formed is true)[Well, that and the Mental Health Act.]
You wonder why (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[she] talked about this place ruining you. It frustrates you - you aren't simply damaged goods, and it's not her job to protect you. You can look after yourself.
Sort of, anyway. You do need a little help - it's why you're here.
You think in circles.
You return to your room. You're tired of interacting with people for the day. Tomorrow will be different, you hope.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Get Medication]]As stressful as it is to witness copatient abuse, his behaviour doesn't necessarily imply physical aggression. "Do you think Hector is dangerous?" you ask, trying to get her take on this.
She shakes her head. "Him? I know his type. He's all hot air."
"How do you know?" you ask.
"He likes his smoke breaks," she responds. "People who like their smoke breaks don't cause shit."
"Ah," you exclaim. "I hadn't thought about that."
After thinking on it for a moment, you wonder if this is actually true. You hope - but hope hasn't gotten you very far.
You excuse yourself from the window. It's getting darker. You walk through the common area and halls and reach your bedroom. It's dark inside. You flip on one of the lights, walk in, and sit at the edge of your bed.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Get Medication]]{
(set: $D2PatriciaOwnShit to true)
}"I wish a nurse would stop him."
Patricia squints at you. She then rolls her eyes. "The nurses aren't here to babysit us. This isn't a daycare - it's real life. People need to handle their own shit."
You take a deep breath and exhale. You begin to wonder if you should take a stance on Hector's behaviour. //Someone// should. No one wants to be that someone. Not even you.
"Daycare is real life too," you rebut. "Anyway, aren't the nurses supposed to maintain a safe and therapeutic environment?"
"You think the nurses can control all these nutheads? No one's picking on //you// - what's the big deal?"
Her words sting. Do you want to tell her?
(if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[[[Tell her.->D2 GPU Patricia Tell Her Ineffectively]]](else:)[[[Tell her.->D2 GPU Patricia Tell Her Assertively]]]
[[Don't tell her.->D2 GPU Patricia Don't Tell Her]]You have to say something. You can't not say something. You begin to tremble as the combination of (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia's](else:)[this woman's] bitterness and Hector's rage overtake your judgment.
"You're //no// better!" you shout.
(if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[The woman] looks at you - somewhat startled by your outburst. "What do you //mean?//"
"You don't care about //anything.//(if: $D2IntroducedToHector is true)[ You told me earlier today that he means well. Does it //look// like he means well?](else:)[ And who are you calling nutheads anyway?]"
Hector's voice calls out to you. "Shut the fuck up, both of you!" He shoots you a glare from across the room. As he does this, the woman he was berating stands up and slips away with the deck of cards. At least she's away. "Fucking hell," Hector says. "I can't get any peace in here."
Nor can you. (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[The woman you're standing with] frowns, shrugs her shoulders, and looks back out the window.
Eventually, you tire of the awkward silence and you excuse yourself. Hector seems to have calmed down, and for the moment you're glad you didn't call any attention to yourself. As wrong as his behaviour was, you need to focus on your own recovery.
You watch the floor as you shuffle your way through the hallway. You veer right into your bedroom when you reach it, and you sit on the bed.
You enjoy the relative silence.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Get Medication]](if: $MetPatricia is not true)["Listen - I'm sorry, what's your name?"
"Patricia," she responds.
]"Listen, Patricia, I don't exactly disagree that we're all fending for ourselves in here."
She nods. "You're right, we //are// fending for ourselves in here. Everyone here needs to fight their own battles."
"Pat - I just want people to be accountable for their behaviour."
She turns her head for a moment and looks deep into your eyes. "I can see that there is a problem here, but there's nothing you or I can do. I wish there was."
You nod. She nods. It seems like you've found common ground in this nightmare. You don't want to go to bed tonight angry at anyone. It's hard enough coping with this place alone. You need every connection you can get.
You walk out of the common room and dodge people like you're in a living, breathing maze. Hector no longer seems to be interested in berating that woman. You're grateful, for the moment anyway.
You leave the common area and walk through the quiet hallway. Quiet - except for the nursing station, which is busy with patients trying to pick up their various night medications. You reach your room, go inside, and sit on the end of the bed.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Get Medication]]
{
(set: $MetPatricia to true)
}It's not that you agree with her. You don't condone what she is saying. Though her words do hurt, they're nothing in comparison to what Hector was doing.
You silently stare out the window, occasionally taking a peek at (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[the woman you're standing with]. As the sun sets and the outside world grows darker, the heavy fluorescent lights reflect off of the window. Ultimately, you face your own reflection as the city skyline fades away.
Every move seemingly has a consequence. (if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[You haven't handled conflict very well since coming in here. It seemed better to let it go rather than get into another argument.](else:)[You want to respond to (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[her] with more than just silence, but you don't trust yourself to do it well.]
You exhale a deep sigh and get lost in the sights until it's time for bed. When you're ready, you turn around and take one last look at the common area. Hector is still sitting with the woman he bullied - you wonder if they are, in fact, friends. Perhaps an abusive friendship.
You wander back toward your room, dodging people here and there. The hallways are relatively slow moving. When you reach your room, you flick one of the light switches. Your room lights up, albeit dimly.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Get Medication]]"I'm watching you, Hector."
After you threaten him, you turn around and confidently leave the common room. You're not actually as confident as you look - you're actually scared out of your mind. You just hope he doesn't sense it.
"Walk away, baby. I'm //so// scared! I'm shaking in my boots!" And so on, and so on. He continues screaming for a disproportionate amount of time.
You sit on the edge of the bed. He's still shouting, though his voice muffles through the walls.
You wonder what you just started.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Get Medication]]You look from Hector to the woman he was harassing. You look back at Hector again. A deep feeling in your gut is telling you to stay out of it, and that it's not worth it.
Still, you didn't stay out of it. What's done is done. It's hard to know how to react, but you quietly excuse yourself.
As you walk out of the common room, you hear him shout at you. "Yeah, you //better// leave, you fucking baby. Keep to your own business."
He continues to shout more of the same. When you reach your bedroom you can still hear him shouting. The abuse is directed at you now.
You wonder what you started.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Get Medication]]Something about the way the room paused and watched the conflict gives you the chills - it's almost as if Hector is known for his behaviour. You feel a deep strain in your stomach and worry for a moment that you're going to lose your dinner.
You manage to hold on to it. You manage to get back to your room. You pull the garbage bin in closer. (if: $D2ReadPamphlet is not true)[You see the shredded patient information pamphlet sitting at the bottom of the nearly empty bin.] You hover you head over the container until the feeling passes.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Get Medication]]You dismiss the tension as you walk out of the room. Hector may be aggressive, but you can tell he's not foolish. Pursuing you would be a bad choice - he wouldn't want the attention from someone willing to fight back.
You slowly shuffle your way to your room. It's getting dark, and it's almost time for bed.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Get Medication]]You lie back on the edge of your bed, with your legs dangling off the side. Your second day is almost over, and you're grateful for that. It has been an exhausting day.
You hear footsteps coming into your room. You know it's Gail just by the sound of her footsteps.
You tense up. You're not in the mood for more conflict, and you hope Gail notices. She walks across the floor to you, and you spot a pill cup and a cup of water. You take the pill cup - inside is a round yellow pill.
"That's your mirtazapine - 15 milligrams just to start."
You nod, and down the pill with the water.
"How was your day?" she asks.
[[It was fine.->D2 GPU Gail It Was Fine]]
[[It was difficult and intense.->D2 GPU Gail It Was Hard]]
[[Tell her about Hector.->D2 GPU Gail Tell About Hector]]You replay the day in your head, and question whether you really want to talk about it. Particularly with Gail, of all people.
You're here, and you recognize that you //should// talk. It's just hard to put that should into action, especially when you have a nurse like Gail.
"It was fine," you say. "Today went fine."
You recognize that you're also here to be safe. Safety is perhaps the biggest, most important reason you're here. If talking to Gail won't help you with that goal, then there's no real point in talking.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Gail Ask Suicidal]]"Honestly Gail, I had a rough day," you say.
Her eyes narrow. "What happened?" she asks quickly - shortly.
(if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[
"I had a bad visit with Jon," you respond. "I'm worried that he's really mad at me."
"Did you ask him if he was mad at you?"
You tilt your head as you look into her eyes. She's dead serious. "No. I could tell by the way he was talking."
"Maybe next time you should ask," she responds.
You shake your head quietly. Sometimes you wonder if she is for real. You're not sure what to say - you mutter out a "Thanks." You decide to leave it for now - hopefully tomorrow you get a different nurse.
](if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[
"I think I made another patient mad at me."
"Why do you think that?" she asks.
"I wouldn't return a piece of paper," you respond. You think harder about how you could explain it, but the story itself is really bizarre.
"Why wouldn't you do that?"
"Because ... I was confused? Because - I don't know, I just didn't."
"Sounds like you should have returned the piece of paper," she responds.
"Thanks!" you say. You sure are glad to have Gail around to tell you her brilliant insights.
](else:)[
You think of your friend Hazel, who is still downstairs - or somewhere around there. You look up at Gail and say, "I met someone downstairs. I haven't seen her up here. I miss her."
"Well you'll just have to deal with it," Gail responds. "We can't control where she is moved to, and we can't tell you anything about her."
You look up at her in disbelief - you can't believe you're hearing this. You can only respond in sarcasm. "Thanks, Gail. I feel a lot better."
"Don't mention it." She smiles down at you - perhaps unknowingly. She didn't seem to get the hint.
]
A moment passes - a moment of awkward silence - with you staring at the floor and Gail watching you closely. "Is there anything else?" she asks.
You shake your head. You don't want another round of her 'advice.'
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Gail Ask Suicidal]]You shake your head - you don't even know where to begin.
"Hector was giving a patient some trouble. (if: $HectorBully is true)[I had to say something. Now I'm afraid he'll go after me.](else:)[I didn't know what to do. I should have intervened.]"
Gail looks at you with some concern. "Look - I'll tell you what I tell everyone - you just have to ignore him. Let it roll off your back."
Suddenly you're transported back in time. You sit across the desk from the principal at your elementary school. His voice echoes in your mind. "//You just have to ignore it. Bullies feed off your reactions.//"
Gails voice comes though. "Jessica? Jessica, are you listening to me?"
A moment passes, and you're back. You cross your arms and pinch the skin near your elbow. //Remember to ground myself,// you think. //That was then, and this is now.//
You nod at Gail and say, "Sure - I'll just ignore him. Thanks for the tip."
You're not really that thankful.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Gail Ask Suicidal]]The risk of rejection isn't worth it. You can always tell him later if you change your mind - but if you tell him now, you can't take it back. Ever. It's a terrifying prospect, and you'd much rather keep it to yourself.
Instead of opening up, you change the subject. It's better not to ruffle feathers.
You spend the next ten minutes talking about mundane things. He tells you about work. You don't tell him much. You //need// Jon - it's safer this way.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Jon Leave Rude Question]]Just as you get up off of your bed, you hear someone in the doorway.
The person knocks a few times as you walk over to the door. She has a face that you recognize from downstairs. (if: $MetYua is true)[It's Yua - you were colouring with her downstairs!](else:)[She is a young Japanese woman.] "Hi, um, Jessica?" she calls out.
(if: $MetYua is true)[
You smile brightly at your guest. "Yua! Good to see you."
She smiles. "It's nice seeing you too. I'm glad we both got moved up here." She pauses a moment. "Someone is on the phone for you. In the main room."
](else:)[
You shuffle to the doorway to meet your guest. She stands outside of your room. "Hi - sorry, I was just ..." you don't finish the sentence.
She nods and gives you a brief smile. "There's a telephone for you in the main room."
]
You look down for a moment and notice that she's wearing a hospital gown(if: $Formed is true)[, not unlike your own]. There is a bandage around her wrists on her left hand.
[[Go answer the phone.->D2 GPU Phone Answer]]The heels seem to droop as you move through the hall with your laceless shoes. (if: $MetYua is true)[Yua](else:)[The woman] leads the way to the common room.
You scan the room when you're inside. Hector is in the corner of one of the couches, watching TV. No one sits next to him. You walk to the back of the room, pick up the phone, and plunk yourself into the chair next to it.
"Hello?" you say.
"Hi - Jess?" It's Jon's voice.
"Oh, hey," you respond, not sounding the most enthused. He probably can't blame you - it's been a hard day, and you didn't exactly leave on good terms.
"Hey. Listen, I know we didn't leave on the best footing."
You nod, listening. You realize he can't see you nodding.
"I wanted you to know that I care about you, and I want to be there for you as you get better from this."
How do you feel about that?
[[Appreciative.->D2 GPU Phone Appeciative]]
[[Wary.->D2 GPU Phone Wary]]"Thank you, Jon," you respond.
Jon continues. "So, I was thinking - the best way I can be there for you is if I'm taking care of myself too."
You hesitate - terrified of where this is going. He wouldn't be giving you such a lead-up for no reason. Your heart races, and all you can see now is abandonment. All you can see is being alone, in this hospital, without anyone to support you.
"Jon, what are you trying to tell me?" you ask, unable to bear the wait or the build-up.
[[Continue->D2 GPU Phone Can't Visit]]You sigh. "Jon, I really wish you would be more patient with me. It's not like I asked for this."
Jon stammers a bit over the phone. "Yeah, look, I know, but you need to see this from my perspective too."
And that's were it rests. You both need to see each other's perspective, as if the conflict might evaporate into a cloud of shared perspectives.
You groan, and then you worry that he heard you.
[["Can we try to just not fight, for now?"->D2 GPU Phone Try To Not Fight]]
[["I can't believe this. I'm the one who's sick."->D2 GPU Phone Frustrated I'm Sick]]"Jon?" you ask, openly.
"What?" he responds shortly. You can tell that he's holding something back - you're OK with him holding back, for the time being.
Your words come out in a bit of a jumbled mess. "Can we try to just not fight, for now? I have to be honest, I don't even understand what we're fighting about and - look, I can't process it. At all."
"OK," he says. "Truce until you're out. I get it."
"Thank you," you say.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Phone Can't Visit]]"I can't believe this. I'm the one who's sick," you argue - unsure if this is a great approach. The feeling is so strong that you don't particularly care either.
Jon responds, "I'm behind at work, and I can't be thinking about this constantly."
"I don't even //have// a job," you retort, as if you had been arguing about this all along.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Phone Can't Visit]]{
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
}You hear Jon take a deep breath through the phone. "Look - Jess, there is one thing I do need to tell you."
"What is it?" You tremble a bit, awaiting his response.
"I want you to know that I really truly care about you," he says. "But our visit today took a lot out of me. I'll try to keep calling, but I don't think I can come in to see you right now."
You aren't sure what he means by right now - you aren't expecting him again //tonight//.
You puzzle out what he did mean. The weight of what he said - and what he must have //meant// - is sinking in.
How are you feeling?
[[Remorseful.->D2 GPU Phone Can't Visit Remorseful]]
[[Enraged.->D2 GPU Phone Can't Visit Enraged]]
[[Sad and a little bit lonely.->D2 GPU Phone Can't Visit Just Sad]]"Wait ... what's going on Jon?" you ask, trembling a bit. You aren't sure what to think - your visit today became a bit stressful and heated, but you've never heard him say anything like this before.
He stammers a bit. You don't listen, and you continue to question him. "What did I //do?// What did I do that was so bad?"
"Listen, Jess, I just ... need space."
You're crying over the phone now. "I'm sorry, OK? I'm not doing well, and I fucked it up, and I'm //sorry//."
"I'm glad you're somewhere safe. Please look after yourself."
You can't hold back your feelings, and you keep blubbering over and over again - "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
The line gets disconnected. Perhaps he hung up. You do so as well - you slam the phone back in the receiver. At this moment you look around the room. A few people are staring at you. You didn't mean to, but you attracted a lot of attention.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Washroom Suicidal]]{
(set:$Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
}"Really Jon? How //selfish// can you be?" you shoot back through gritted teeth. You think, for a moment, about holding back these feelings. Your reactions tumble forward as if they're already in motion and beyond your control.
"Jess, this is what I need right now. If you can't accept it, I'm going to have to hang up."
"Oh, //fuck// your boundaries!" you shout back. And in that moment, he's gone.
It's hard to imagine handling this any better. The rage is intoxicating. You look around the room - a few people are staring. You don't particularly care.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Washroom Suicidal]]"I understand," you say quietly. You don't //actually// understand, but it seems like the right thing to say.
Honestly, in this moment, you are terrified of losing him forever. Tears start to fall down your cheeks, and you fully believe the friendship is over - or that it's barely hanging on by a thread.
You don't know what to make of it, but now you want to get off the phone so you can go to your bedroom and cry.
"Thanks for calling," you say quietly.
"Thanks for understanding," Jon responds.
You hang up and look around the room. Other patients peacefully go about their business, but you are stuck in a moment that you can't understand.
Where is Jon? What just happened?
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Washroom Suicidal]]"How are your suicidal thoughts?" she asks.
You suspect she isn't that concerned - she's just asking so she can write it down in your chart. Part of you wants to say something sarcastic. You imagine responding with 'Great, thanks! How are yours?' You suppress your laughter after thinking about it.
She looks at you, unamused. She still wants her answer.
[[Tell her you're still suicidal.->D2 GPU Gail Ask Suicide Still]]
[[Tell her you're feeling safer.->D2 GPU Gail Ask Suicide Am Safer]]"It hasn't changed," you respond bluntly.
"Hasn't changed - does that mean it's really bad? Or is it middle of the road?"
You give her a puzzled look. You're not sure what she wants to hear - you worry for a moment that she's fishing for an excuse get you discharged. "I don't know. I still want to die."
"OK, but do you think you're going to do something tonight?"
You shake your head. "No, I don't think so."
"All right," she says. "Sounds like you're doing fine - no worries."
She leaves the room. You exhale and lie down on your bed.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Start]]"I think I feel a bit safer," you say. At the moment, it's true. This hospital visit hasn't been wonderful, but you want to keep a positive attitude. And you know for a fact that you're much safer in here than outside.
If you're being honest with yourself, then you also aren't sure that Gail can be trusted to talk about suicide in a sensitive way. It seems best to say things that are relatively uninteresting so that she might leave as quickly as possible.
"That's great!" she says. "Keep at it Jessica, and you'll be going home before you know it."
With that, she walks out the door.
You're not sure that you want to be going home anytime soon. You're still afraid for your life.
You exhale and lie down on your bed.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Start]]It's evening. You thought you were tired enough to fall asleep, but that clearly isn't the case. Your thoughts wander to Jon - (if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[your visit didn't end on quite the best footing, and a part of you believes that the friendship must be over.](elseif: $D2SawJon is true)[the visit you had was all right, and you hope he feels the same way too.](else:)[you regret not seeing him and wonder how he's doing. You wonder if he's angry with you for not being awake when he dropped in.]
You roll to the side of your bed and slowly sit up. The common room will likely be closed sometime soon. You may as well take advantage of it while you still can.
(if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[[[Walk toward the common room.->D2 GPU Phone]]](else:)[[[Walk toward the common room.->D2 GPU Evening Common Room]]]You journey through a mostly empty hallway. Most of the other patients are settling down in their beds. It's eerily quiet on the ward tonight. You choose to soak that in and enjoy it - afterall, it won't be like this forever.
As you walk into the common room you spot Hector sitting at the TV watching a drama. Amara is sitting in the corner with a coloured pencil. They're writing on a lined piece of paper.
(if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[[[Join Amara.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Rejects]]](else:)[[[Join Amara.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Accepts]]]
(if: $HectorBully is true)[[[Join Hector.->D2 GPU Evening Hector Rejects]]](else:)[[[Join Hector.->D2 GPU Evening Hector Accepts]]]You slowly approach Amara. As you traverse the common room, your mind tugs at you - almost naggingly - reminding you of your last interaction with Amara. (if: $D2SawAmaraWashroom is true)[The image of them panicking in the washroom is fixed in your memory.](else:)[You still don't know why you did it, but hanging on to the piece of paper didn't seem like that big a deal at the time Perhaps they forgot.]
(if: $Formed is true)[You tug at the opening of your hospital grow with both arms, pulling it closer and closer shut.](else:)[You cross your arms and grip your body tightly, taking deep breaths as you approach them.]
"Amara?" you say. They look up from the page they're writing on, very briefly make eye contact, and look back down. They continue writing as if you aren't there.
[[Apologize.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Apologize]]
[[Back out and excuse yourself.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Excuse Yourself]]You walk across the room, dodging tables and chairs on your approach to Amara. When you reach them, you look toward them and speak. "Hi Amara," you say.
"Hi," they respond. They look up at you and smile.
"Can I sit?" you ask.
They nod, smile again for a moment, and resume concentrating on what they're doing.
[[Sit quietly with Amara, and sneak a peek at what they're writing.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Sit Quietly]]
[[Sit down and ask them what they're writing.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Ask What Writing]]You walk over to Hector - he barely looks up from the TV on your approach. "Can I sit?" you ask meekly.
He looks up at you now. "Hey baby," he says.
You shudder as you hear it, and you lower your body to sit on the opposite end of the couch.
"I never said you could sit here. Scram, girl."
His comment catches you off guard, and you reverse your position - you don't want him to hurt you while you're just trying to sit.
[["Who are you calling //girl?//"->D2 GPU Evening Hector Talk Back]]
[[Leave the situation.->D2 GPU Evening Hector Leave Situation]]{
(set: $D2SatWithHector to true)
}You quietly approach Hector. Your body hair stands on end. It's not an unexpected discomfort - Hector is a problematic person, for sure. Maybe even predatory. Still, you walk over to him and slide into the far end of the couch.
He looks over at you. "Didn't think I was your type," he says.
[["My type?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector My Type]]
[["Keep dreaming."->D2 GPU Evening Hector Keep Dreaming]]"Listen, Amara," you start.
Amara fixes their gaze not on you - but on the page they're writing. As the seconds pass into minutes, you realize that they don't plan on acknowledging you. The silent treatment.
"I'm sorry, Amara."
"If you're so sorry, give it back to me," they respond - making eye contact with you for about half a second.
(if: $D2FlushPaper is true)[[["I flushed it. And I'm sorry."->D2 GPU Evening Amara Flushed It]]](else:)[[["I'll go get it."->D2 GPU Evening Amara Get Paper]]]"All right, I'll leave you alone," you say, as you turn around and walk away.
Hector is still watching the TV. Do you want to join him?
(if: $HectorBully is true)[[[Join Hector.->D2 GPU Evening Hector Rejects]]](else:)[[[Join Hector.->D2 GPU Evening Hector Accepts]]]
[[Leave.->D2 GPU Evening Washroom Suicidal]]{
(set: $D2AmaraFailedApology to true)
}"I flushed it. And I'm sorry."
They put down the pencil and look up at you with wide eyes. "You did //what?//"
You frown. "I know I shouldn't have - I know you didn't want me to-"
"I didn't want you to take it //at all!//" They stand up quickly - their chair screeching - and they stare at you with fiery eyes.
You hear Hector's voice in the distance. His footsteps approach you two while he talks. "Oooh baby, there's going to be a catfight in here tonight. My money's on the one who hates being called a lady, //lady//."
"You don't know what you've done, Jessica. You literally don't, and you'll //never// understand the repercussions." You never thought you'd hear Amara shout like this. You are absolutely terrified - not that they would hurt you, specifically. You're mainly horrified by your own actions, and the distress that you caused Amara.
You honestly didn't know they had it in them.
Amara picks up the page they were working on, crumpling it a bit in the process. They storm out of the room. You follow - just for a moment - and see them bursting through the bathroom door.
[[Go after them and try to comfort them.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Follow Bathroom]]
[[Leave it be - this is too much.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Move On]]{
(set: $D2BulliedAmara to false)
(set: $D2ReconciledAmara to true)
}You practically run toward your room, and on the way your shoe slips off of your foot. As your escaped foot contacts the smooth floor, you lose your grip and tumble forward. Your kneecap bashes into the floor as it breaks your fall.
"Careful there, sport," says Gail as she casually walks by without checking to see that you're OK. Some nurse she is.
You slowly rise to your feet, retrieve your shoe, and dig under your pillow for the paper. You read it over once - it's Amara's writing for sure, and it says the hospital is bugged.
You return to the common room, walk across the floor, and hand the paper to Amara. "Here. I'm sorry I kept it."
"Thank you," they say, and put it in a front pocket.
They continue writing as if nothing happened.
[[Leave them alone.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Leave Alone]]You turn and walk away from the table, leaving Amara to write in relative peace. You take a few deep breaths - part of you wants to pat yourself on the back for making amends, but what you did initially still casts a shadow on your sense of love and goodwill.
You walk past Hector. You don't recognize the TV show, but as you pass one of the characters shouts, "You can't walk in here like you're some damn hero - not after what you did to us."
Melodramatic, but surprisingly on-point.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Washroom Suicidal]]You walk over to the bathroom door and try to push it open. Someone inside is holding it shut. Amara, probably.
"//Go away.//"
"Amara?" you call out, and knock on the door. "Is there anything I can do?"
No response. You wait a few minutes and knock again.
Amara calls out from behind the door. "I'm not coming out. Go away."
You aren't sure what they're doing in the bathroom, but you accept that it's indefinitely occupied. You hold your stomach as you absorb the shock of what just happened.
Hopefully - seriously hopefully - Amara won't get in trouble for this. You're not sure how to prevent that, but you hope they catch themselves soon. Resisting on the psych ward is always a losing game.
Always.
[[Move on.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Move On]]There isn't much good you can do here anymore.
Hopefully this gets resolved without violence. It's not Amara who concerns you. The staff and security team frighten you the most.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Washroom Suicidal]]An image flashes in your mind of everyone in your life berating you and telling you what a miserable failure you are.
**Jon tells you that he cannot be friends with someone as careless as you.
Mom tells you that she is ashamed to have given birth to you.
Dad tells you that you're a huge disappointment to the family, and he didn't raise you this way.
Theresa, your highschool best friend, tells you that she thought she knew you, and she will never ever look at you the same way again.**
The thoughts overwhelm your perception of location and time. You feel alone - very, very alone - and like you've lost everything you've ever loved. On top of that, you have a continuing urge to not be seen by //anyone//. What will you do?
[[Find the single washroom and hide inside.->D2 GPU Evening Hide in Washroom]]
[[Get Ativan from your nurse.->D2 GPU Evening Ativan]]
[[Hide in your room.->D2 GPU Evening Hide In Room]]You walk up to the nursing station and knock on the window a few times. You're the only patient standing here. (if: $Formed is true)[You fidget with the strings dangling from your gown as you wait.](else:)[You nibble on your thumbnail as you wait.]
The wait is surprisingly short. Gail opens the door and looks at you. "What?"
"I need Ativan," you mumble quietly. The request fills you with a deep shame, as if you failed to master your own feelings.
"Ah," she says, and goes back into the nursing station, presumably to fetch Ativan.
(if: $AtivanCount > 1)[[[Wait.->D2 GPU Evening Ativan Failed]]](else:)[[[Wait.->D2 GPU Evening Ativan Success]]]{
(set: $D2SuicidalWashroom to true)
}You speedwalk to the single washroom and upon reaching the door, you knock a couple times to make sure no one is inside. After no one answers, you burst into the door and shut it behind you.
You move to lock it, but there is no lock on the door. You feel weirdly naked whenever you have to pee in one of these rooms.
As you back away from the unlocked door, you wonder if there is a way to secure it.
You forget about this concern rather quickly, as something catches your eye. After surveying the room, you notice a relatively simple path to ending your life.
Do you entertain the thought any further?
[[Consider it.->D2 GPU Suicidal Consider It]]
[[Leave the room and go to bed.->D2 GPU Evening Hide In Room]]
[[Leave the room and tell your nurse.->D2 GPU Suicidal Tell Nurse]]{
(set: $D2SuicidalBedroom to true)
}Hiding out in your room is the easiest answer. The room is yours. It's a safe place - sort of safe, anyway.
As you walk into your room, you shut the door behind you. Immediately you're reminded of the window in the door. No privacy. Is it for your own safety? You don't particularly care.
It's so lonely in here, and the suicidal thoughts are as loud as ever. In fact, you're so agitated that it takes indeterminable effort not to fling your limbs in every which direction.
You have to vent this energy somehow. What do you do?
[[Scream into your pillow.->D2 GPU Evening Room Scream Pillow]]
[[Punch the pillow and mattress.->D2 GPU Evening Room Punch]]
[[Pace back and forth in your room.->D2 GPU Evening Room Pace]]You look at your reflection in the mirror, and sad eyes stare back at you. You wonder how you managed to fall this far and become a psych patient. You certainly never asked for this to happen to you - except you //did// bring yourself here. It's hard not to blame yourself for how things have gone.
You think about Jon. (if:$D2JonBadVisit is true)[You think about how you both left things, and it's hard not to believe he hates you. The sense of his hatred urges you to leave this world.](else-if: $D2ToldJonCatDead is true)[You wonder what he must think of you now that he knows Cass is gone. He loved Cassandra too. Your imagination veers to the worst possibility: that he hates you. Deeply.](else-if: $D2SawJon is true)[The visit went OK, but you couldn't tell him about Cassandra - the risk was too much to bear. He will find out eventually, but you're not sure if you want to be here to see it.](else:)[It's so lonely on the ward, and the fact that you had a //chance// to alleviate that loneliness kills you a little bit. In the grand scheme of things it's probably not the end of the world, but when you're living day-to-day it leaves your heart aching.]
So you are here, and you are alone. In fact, you struggle to remember a lonelier time.
A part of you wonders if you should really be in here alone while you feel this way.
[[Sit on the floor against the door.->D2 GPU Suicidal Sit Bathroom Floor]]
[[Leave and go for a walk.->D2 GPU Suicidal Go Walk]]You charge out of the room almost immediately and push the thought further and further to the back of your mind. It dawns on you that the system can't stop you - that if you wanted to die, you are always only a few steps away from it.
For once, you feel truly unsafe. You are locked in a building with nothing to do but ponder your end.
You knock quickly on the nursing station door. You continue knocking until Gail opens it.
"//What?//" she says coarsely.
[["I'm suicidal."->D2 GPU Suicidal Disclosure]]
[["Nevermind."->D2 GPU Suicidal Ignore Nurse]]You wait a few minutes - and the wait is unbearable. You wonder how fetching Ativan could possibly take this long. All she needs is a pill and a cup of water. You suppose she needs to add a note to your chart as well.
Gail opens the door, and you notice that she isn't carrying anything with her. No Ativan, and no water to down it with. She makes eye contact.
"Jessica, I looked at your chart, and you've had a lot of Ativan since you came in," she says.
You should have seen this coming. "I've had a hard time settling in," you respond.
"Well I certainly hope you don't get too comfortable. You're not going to be here for long."
You bite your tongue. There is no point in arguing. You nod, turn around, and walk back to your room.
[[Go to bed.->D2 GPU Go To Bed]]{
(set: $D2EveningAtivan to true)
(set: $AtivanCount to $AtivanCount + 1)
}Within a few minutes, Gail emerges with a pill cup and some water. She passes them both to you. You quickly down the contents. You both look at each other carefully - for a moment you wait for her to speak - and after a moment has passed, she turns around and closes the door.
You assume she is busy, but you don't actually know or care. You're just glad the awkwardness is over.
[[Go to bed.->D2 GPU Go To Bed]]"I'm suicidal," you force out - shocked at her short temper and afraid of what will happen next.
"//Why?//" she responds like she is a parent, demanding a reason for your unacceptable behaviour.
"I ..." you pause a moment to decide if it's even worth it to explain anything to this short tempered asshole. At this moment you realize that you //can't//. You can't tell her anything. Everything resembling your trust in the system has faded into nothing.
[["I don't //know!//"->D2 GPU Suicidal Disclosure Don't Know]]
[[Stay silent.->D2 GPU Suicidal Disclosure Stay Silent]]"Nevermind," you say, and start to turn around and leave.
"Jessica! //Get back here!//" she shouts.
[[Go back.->D2 GPU Suicidal Change Mind Talk To Nurse]]
[[Go to bed.->D2 GPU Suicidal Ignore Nurse Still]]"I don't //know!//" you respond, matching her rage.
For a moment, silence rests between you two. She's probably sizing you up - deciding what move to make next. You, however, have checked out of this plan. You've already abandoned your attempt to secure some Ativan. You try to think of a way to get out of this conversation permanently.
As your brain catches up with the moment, you see that she clearly doesn't know how to handle this encounter. Maybe nursing school didn't cover the patient who talks back.
You bite your tongue. "Why don't I get you an Ativan?" she offers. You nod - still unable to say a word.
[[Wait.->D2 GPU Evening Ativan Success]]Your eyes meet, and you hope - you hope deeply - that your eyes communicate what your voice cannot. You clench and unclench your fists, and you hope that she doesn't interpret that as an aggressive gesture. Your mind plays out a hypothetical situation where she calls in security. The hypothetical doesn't end well for you.
Finally she says, "You know what? I'll get you an Ativan." She shuts the door rather loudly as she goes back inside to fetch.
[[Wait for your ativan.->D2 GPU Evening Ativan Success]]You stop, turn around, and look at her. You can't think of anything nice or productive to say to her. Perhaps you could get an Ativan.
[[Ask for Ativan.->D2 GPU Suicidal Ask Ativan]]
[[Say nothing.->D2 GPU Suicidal Say Nothing]]You turn out the light and sit on the end of your bed. The fluorescent lighting from the hallway beams into your doorway, but the room is dark enough. You look out at the beautiful city skyline. You look at each lit-up window and make up stories about why each and every light is on.
It is what it is - millions of automata assembling into a massive, living visualization. Perhaps you have the insomniacs to thank for what you see. That and the night shift workers. Maybe some people forgot to turn the lights out too. Who knows.
After absorbing the sight, you lie back in bed and close your eyes.
(if: $D2EveningAtivan is true)[The Ativan you took leaves your body feeling quite heavy. You sink deeper and deeper into the mattress until you lose consciousness.](else:)[You violently turn every few minutes, as no position feels comfortable. You repeatedly adjust the thin blankets - everytime you turn, they fall off of you. This goes on for a while, but eventually you get some sleep.]
[[Continue.->D3 Donation Nag]]You don't particularly care what she has to say. You only want to go to bed.
You guess, rightly, that she won't follow you.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Go To Bed]]"My type?" you ask, genuinely puzzled.
"Girls like you don't sit with guys like me," he responds.
You wonder if you should bring up the misogynistic bullying you witnessed from earlier in the day. You think better of it.
[["What brings you here?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector Reason Here]]
[["How long have you been here?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector How Long]]
[["Had any visitors?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector Visitors]]"Keep dreaming, Hector," you shoot back. He grins as you say it - obviously pleased to have gotten a rise out of you. That wasn't your intention - you were aiming for a smooth comeback.
You quietly sit and watch the TV. You can't tell what show he's watching, but you pick up enough to know that it's a drama about a man struggling with addictions. Not that it actually matters - it's only a momentary distraction. You'll probably never watch this show again - you don't know what it's called, you don't know what channel it's on, and you don't even know what time it is. And you don't want to ask, either.
And now that you're sitting peacefully with Hector - perhaps against your better judgment - you become somewhat curious about him.
What will you ask?
[["What brings you here?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector Reason Here]]
[["How long have you been here?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector How Long]]
[["Had any visitors?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector Visitors]]You walk over to the bed and hop on, immediately burying your face into the pillow. You let out a somewhat muffled scream. It's louder than you expected it to be, but you don't particularly care if someone hears. You're too far gone to care.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Room Suicidal Decide]]You pound your fists on the mattress - not quite punching, but you hear a satisfying smacking noise as each fist collides with the plastic layer. After this, you throw multiple punches at the pillow - your fists sinking into the shallow foam.
You let out a scream when you're done. You startle yourself, and you're surprised at how much noise you made. Not inconspicuous at all. Hopefully no one comes to get you in trouble.
A few minutes pass. No one comes to check on you.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Room Suicidal Decide]]You walk the length of the room from the door to the window and back. You clasp your elbows tightly as you continue to pace.
This doesn't seem to release your anxious energy. You still want to punch things. In fact, you want to break things. You want to destroy everything you can get your hands on.
On the ward, there aren't a whole lot of things to destroy. Most of your belongings are locked away - for your own safety. Obviously.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Room Suicidal Decide]]Your first thought is to go to bed. Your second thought is to see if you can fetch Ativan from your nurse. Either way, it probably doesn't matter - you will survive after all.
You're clearly agitated and Ativan might help make your night more comfortable, but the prospect of interacting with Gail leaves you feeling uneasy. Still, it's possible that you want to see her as much as she wants to see you, and if so, the Ativan would be a quick transaction.
It's risky either way. What do you decide?
[[Go to the nursing station and ask for some Ativan.->D2 GPU Evening Ativan]]
[[Go to bed.->D2 GPU Go To Bed]]You lean against the bathroom door and let your body slide down until you're sitting on the floor. You contemplate and re-contemplate your death, and the longer you wait, the harder it is to leave.
You think better of it, however. There is a moderate risk of being caught, and you don't care to deal with the consenquences of attempting suicide in a hospital. You think about what it would be like to be sent to the acute area, and the thoughts give you chills.
Finally, you stand up and decide to leave. There isn't much else to do except go to bed. You can handle seeing one more day.
You open the door and walk toward your room.
[[Go to bed.->D2 GPU Go To Bed]]You hear a muffled scream in the distance. You're not sure where it's coming from. While it's not the greatest plan, you've been longing for something to do. You decide to go investigate.
The screaming continues. You turn right at the nursing station and move down the hallway. You find a pair of doors near the back with windows in them. You push against them - both are locked. You peer inside.
It's a lot darker on the other side, almost as if the room is uninhabited. You squint and see some people moving about inside - shuffling, moving back and forth. You can tell they've been doing that for a while.
When you look closer, you see a woman strapped down to a gurney, sitting there in the hallway. Her screams are more audible.
"//Help! Let me go! You can't fucking do this to people!//"
She keeps screaming. You wish there was something you could do.
As much as you hate to admit it, you're glad you aren't her right now - and that says a lot, given the depth of your pain.
[[Go to your room.->D2 GPU Go To Bed]]
[[Fetch an ativan from your nurse.->D2 GPU Evening Ativan]]You can't bring yourself to say anything, no matter how frustrated you are - no matter how much you disagree with how Gail is treating you. It's not even that you want to be quiet. You'd prefer to find the will to talk back. Maybe even to stand up for yourself. Still, the words that describe your feelings are elusive.
She breaks the silence for you. "Do you even know how busy I am?" she asks. The 'pity me' act. You don't buy it. She continues, "If you're going to interrupt my work, I //expect// you to have a good reason for it."
A tear rolls down your cheek. You can't continue to face her right now.
[[Apologize and leave.->D2 GPU Suicidal Apologize And Leave]]
[[Leave without saying anything.->D2 GPU Suicidal Leave Say Nothing]]You strain to articulate what's happening in your mind, but relatively few words come to you. You don't want to be dismissed, nor do you want her to overreact.
You just want an Ativan. That's all you want. You don't want to talk. You don't want to waste anyone's time. You just wish you had an Ativan so that you could settle down.
"I feel awful," you say.
"What do you need?"
"Ativan," you say.
She closes the door, presumably to look for Ativan.
(if: $AtivanCount > 1)[[[Wait.->D2 GPU Evening Ativan Failed]]](else:)[[[Wait.->D2 GPU Evening Ativan Success]]]"Sorry," you say before you turn around and leave.
You hear the door to the nursing station slam shut. By now, you have forgotten what you even wanted from them. All there is left to do is settle down and get some rest.
You walk back to your room.
[[Go to bed.->D2 GPU Go To Bed]]The feelings are a burden - a burder you'd prefer not to share. It's not like Gail can actually comfort you anyway. She doesn't have that skill. She says nothing as you walk away.
The suicidal feelings seem to blend in with the rest of your consciousness. Every step is one step closer to death. Every breath is the same. Your arms seem to be locked in place from the tension. All you want is to lie down and never get up.
You can lie down, at least. Death will have to wait.
You approach your room.
[[Go to bed.->D2 GPU Go To Bed]]{
(set: $D2HectorQuestion1 to true)
}"What brings you here?" you ask.
Hector shakes his head. "I was going to kill myself," he says. He moves on to describe his plan in gruesome detail.
Your heart races as he describes it. It's not too dissimilar to your own. You hold your arms tightly against your body. (if: $Formed is true)[You fiddle with one of the strings dangling from your hospital gown.](else:)[You clutch your shirt tightly.]
"Did you come here on your own?" you ask - wondering if his story is in any way like yours.
"Hell no," he responds. "My parents got me formed."
You frown and nod. "Why did you want to do it?" you ask.
"I fucked everything up. I've done some terrible shit - things you wouldn't even want to know," he responds. You believe him too. Indeed, you don't particularly want to know.
(if: $D2HectorQuestion1 is not true)[
[["What brings you here?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector Reason Here]]](if: $D2HectorQuestion2 is not true)[
[["How long have you been here?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector How Long]]](if: $D2HectorQuestion3 is not true)[
[["Had any visitors?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector Visitors]]]
[[Say goodbye and leave.->D2 GPU Evening Hector Goodbye]]{
(set: $D2HectorQuestion2 to true)
}"How long have you been here?" you ask.
"I'm coming up on three months," he responds bitterly.
Your heart races for a moment, and you feel quite open and vulnerable. The clash of different worlds doesn't make a lot of sense. You fought to get into this place - Hector fights to get out. For a moment you try to imagine what it must be like to be locked in here against your will. For a moment his reality feels far more terrifying than your own.
(if: $D2HectorQuestion1 is not true)[
[["What brings you here?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector Reason Here]]](if: $D2HectorQuestion2 is not true)[
[["How long have you been here?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector How Long]]](if: $D2HectorQuestion3 is not true)[
[["Had any visitors?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector Visitors]]]
[[Say goodbye and leave.->D2 GPU Evening Hector Goodbye]]{
(set: $D2HectorQuestion3 to true)
}"Had any visitors?" you ask.
He shakes his head. "Hell no. Nobody cares about me - why would they?"
You're tempted to speculate on why he thinks no one cares, and why he hasn't had visitors. You can't think of a way to approach this that won't upset him. "That's rough," you say - hesitantly.
He nods. "I'm used to it. People don't like me. I don't blame them, but I'm too old to change."
(if: $D2HectorQuestion1 is not true)[
[["What brings you here?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector Reason Here]]](if: $D2HectorQuestion2 is not true)[
[["How long have you been here?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector How Long]]](if: $D2HectorQuestion3 is not true)[
[["Had any visitors?"->D2 GPU Evening Hector Visitors]]]
[[Say goodbye and leave.->D2 GPU Evening Hector Goodbye]]Your hands sink into the couch cushion as you push yourself away from it, and you slowly rise to your feet.
"Leaving so soon, dearest?" Hector asks. //Dearest//. That would be more endearing if Hector wasn't such a creep.
You nod. "Have a good night," you say as you leave the common area. Hector feels a bit more human to you as you walk away, but you're still wary of him.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Washroom Suicidal]]You like Amara. While you don't know them very well, they're a very kind person. They're someone you can spend time with quietly, and still feel socially fulfilled.
You lower yourself to the seat, and you take a glance at the page they're writing on. You can see the top of the page and the first couple lines.<hr/>**Dear Jessica
It's my third day in here, and I can't stop thinking of you. I love you. Talking is hard, but I appreciate everything you've done for me, and I always look forward to seeing you.
**<hr/>
How do you feel about what you just read?
[[Flattered.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Flattered]]
[[Confused.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Confused]]
[[Curious.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Curious]]"What are you writing?" you ask.
Amara looks up at you for a moment. "A letter to my sister," they respond.
"Does she come to visit often?" you ask.
"Sometimes," they respond.
You both sit in silence for some time. Occasionally you wish Amara would be a bit more talkative, but you know that won't change. You also know that you feel comfortable being near them - they are a soothing presence.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Say Goodbye.]]You reread it just to be sure you saw what you think you saw. There's no doubt in your mind - they //are// writing a love note to you. The most confusing part is that the two of you just met. It's too early to be having feelings like this.
You take a deep breath. "Amara - this is a tad confusing."
Amara pauses and puts their pen down for a moment. "What is confusing?"
"That letter," you point.
They look down and immediately realize what you saw. "Oh, no no no," they say. "This isn't what you think."
It isn't what you think? You pause for a moment and begin to have doubts about your theory. There must be another Jessica in their life. You try to decide if you're curious enough to ask.
[[Ask what they're writing.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Ask What Writing]]
[[Sit quietly.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Say Goodbye.]]They couldn't possibly be writing you a love note - could they? It would be very confusing if they were doing that. After all, you can't think of much that you've actually done for them.
No. It can't possibly be for you. But who is it for? You let yourself wonder for a little bit. You wonder what it must be like to date someone as quiet as Amara.
Not that it's any of your business.
[[Ask what they're writing.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Ask What Writing]]
[[Sit quietly.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Say Goodbye.]]Your cheeks turn to a shade of red as you read it, and you feel the warmth flush to your face. Your heart races - but this time it races in the good way. You feel a surge of excitement and appreciation. It has been a while since you felt this beautiful.
There's no sense in waiting. You say, "That's so sweet. I didn't know you felt that way about me."
Amara looks up and their eyes widen. "Oh," they say quickly, "you misunderstand. This isn't for you."
It's not for you. You look on, genuinely puzzle. "Who //is// this for then?" You can't help but feel a little bit frustrated and embarrassed.
They respond, "My sister."
Same name. You nod. It's kind of them to write such a nice letter to their sister.
You think about that flutter of excitement that you had, and once you get past the embarrassment you find yourself feeling grateful. You didn't know it was even possible to feel that good anymore - you had assumed that such joy was reserved for the deserving, and you were obviously undeserving.
Sometimes it's nice to be wrong.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Amara Say Goodbye.]]You sit with Amara for quite a while. It feels weird to be sitting with them when they're working on something and you're not. Do you try to make conversation? Should you just sit quietly and stare ahead?
You put your head down on the table, just like in grade school. You feel soothed and comforted as your cheek presses against the cool surface. You can feel your breath around your face, as the air reflects off of the cold surface.
You lose track of time.
Finally you look up. Amara says, "I'm going to bed now." They stand up and start to walk out of the room.
You stand too, and you leave the common area.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Washroom Suicidal]]"Who are you calling //girl?//" you spit back.
Hector's eyes are full of rage as he looks at you. "Are you talking back? Are you really going to talk back to me?" At once he stands up, and you can see that he's a head taller than you. He walks forward until he's only a foot in front of you.
[[Take a step back.->D2 GPU Evening Hector Step Back]]
[[Stand your ground.->D2 GPU Evening Hector Stand Ground]]You don't know what Hector is capable of, and you don't care to find out. Fighting won't help anything.
"Fine. I'll go," you say shortly as you turn around and leave.
He calls out behind you, "Hah! You're scared. You're so scared. Run away, girl. Run away!"
[[Keep moving.->D2 GPU Evening Washroom Suicidal]]
[[Shout back.->D2 GPU Evening Hector Shout Back]]You can't stand having him in your personal space. You take a small step back. As much as you'd like to show him you're not afraid, the tension shows through.
"That's what I thought," he says as he smirks at you. "Better be careful around me, girly. You never know when I might snap."
He's all talk - you're sure of that. Or at least, you try to reassure yourself that he's all talk. A part of you believes him. He seems quite unstable, and you fear that true feelings are backing his response to you.
You turn around and leave the room. This battle isn't worth fighting.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Washroom Suicidal]]As uncomfortable as you are, you decide not to step down or show any weakness. You bury your nervous energy deep down as you stand your ground and fix your gaze on him.
"Why are you acting like a man?" he asks as he leans in closer.
You don't respond.
"You're supposed to be a woman. You're supposed to be quiet and passive and do what you're told and stay in the kitchen. Why are you acting like a man? Are you a man?"
You stare back at each other. You feel sick in your gut, but you refuse to let up. Finally he backs down.
"Go home," he says. "You can't do shit in here."
You take the invitation to leave. You walk out of the common area. As soon as you're beyond his sight, you take a deep breath. You're proud of yourself for standing your ground.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Washroom Suicidal]]"Go fuck yourself, Hector," you respond.
His eyes widen. "You can't talk to me like that," he responds. "That is //abuse.// You are //abusing// me."
You're out in the hallway, and Hector carries on like this. You turn around and see him walking toward you - he is about 7 metres back and coming closer. Just as he comes out, a nurse - a white woman with curly hair - comes between you.
//Finally// the staff does something good. He stops in his tracks. She asks him, "What are you doing, Hector?"
"Nothing," he says, "I was just having a friendly chat with my friend Jessica over there."
"This is your last warning," she says.
You decide to leave while you still can.
[[Continue.->D2 GPU Evening Washroom Suicidal]]<h2>Inpatient: A Psychiatric Story</h2><h3>Day 3</h3>
The light from the sun outside beams down on your face. (if: $D2EveningAtivan is true)[After a night of peaceful rest, you welcome it. You sit up slowly and move the blankets to the side.](else:)[After a night of tossing and turning, you curse the sun - bitter about having to wake up. You sit up slowly.(if: $Formed is true)[ Your hospital gown is hiked up to your thighs.]] You turn your legs to the side of the bed and stand.
There isn't much to ponder. It's just another day on the psych ward.
You stand and leave the room. Might as well see what there is to see.
[[Continue.->D3 Found Hazel]]As you walk down the hallway, you see a face you recognize. It takes a moment because you're still waking up, but you finally realize that it's Hazel.
(if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[[[Run over and embrace her.->D3 Hazel Embrace Wanted]]](else:)[[[Run over and embrace her.->D3 Hazel Embrace Unwanted]]]
[[Shyly say hello.->D3 Hazel Say Hello]]"//Hazel!//" you call out as you run to meet her.
She looks up for a moment, makes eye contact, and smiles. "Jess!" she calls out, "I missed you."
You wrap your arms around her and she embraces you in return. You hug each other tightly for a few seconds before letting go. "I'm so glad you're here," you say.
She laughs for a moment. "Well //I'm not//, but I'm happy to see you."
You then realize how odd it was to say that you're glad someone is here - in this hospital. Probably no one actually wants to be here, if they have a choice.
[[Continue.->D3 Hazel What's New]]You walk over to her. She notices you as you slowly approach.
"Hi Hazel," you say.
"Hi Jess," she responds.
You both stand there awkwardly for a moment, unsure of what to say. You're happy to see her - that much you know is true. It's hard to properly express the happiness this soon after waking. (if: $D2EveningAtivan is not true)[Not to mention the terrible sleep you're waking from.]
[[Continue.->D3 Hazel What's New]]"//Hazel!//" you call out as you run to meet her.
She looks up, and her expression doesn't change. You wonder if she's in a bad mood. You instinctively slow your run to a walk - her body language tells you that hugging would be a mistake.
"Hi Jessica." She doesn't make eye contact - she simply looks off into the distance. You wonder why she doesn't want to see you right now - sure, you had a bit of an argument the other day, but you thought she'd see past that.
"Is anything wrong?" you ask.
"No," she says.
You stand together awkwardly for a moment before one of you speaks again.
[[Continue.->D3 Hazel What's New]]"What's new?" you ask.
She responds, "They're keeping me on my form, and they want to take my rights away."
"Your //rights?//" you ask.
"Yes. There's a hearing." She has a blank expression on her face, as if she is resigned to some terrible news. (if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[You can tell she's still happy to see you, but this is obviously weighing on her.](else:)[She seems distant - you wonder if she might be unhappy to see you.]
You nod slowly. "What kind of a hearing?"
"Consent and capacity," she responds.
[[Empathize with her.->D3 Hazel Empathize]]
[[Encourage her to fight it.->D3 Hazel Encourage]]You're just as shocked as she must be. "Shit. That's terrible."
"I'm not spending a month in here just because of my asshole father," she says. "Can you believe that they won't even let me //see// the text I sent? I don't even know what I'm defending myself against!"
You nod and frown. "It's not a fair fight if you can't even look at the evidence," you say.
"I know. I don't know what to do. I'm waiting to hear from a rights advisor."
"It can't be legal to do this," you say incredulously.
She shakes her head. "It doesn't matter if it's legal - they don't care what's legal in here."
You hear a crackling above you - the PA system is on, and an announcement is coming.
[[Listen.->D3 Breakfast Announcment]]"You can do it," you say to her. "You're a strong woman, and I believe in you."
She shakes her head. "But Jess, I don't even know what I'm being accused of. The evidence is on my phone."
"Can't a nurse bring it out for you?" you ask.
Hazel sighs. "I've tried already. They aren't letting me have my phone - not even for a //second.//"
It's difficult to imagine what Hazel's predicament is like, but it's not hard to see that the hospital is in the wrong here.
You hear a crackling above you - the PA system is on, and an announcement is coming.
[[Listen.->D3 Breakfast Announcment]]**"Attention everyone. Breakfast is now being served in the common area. Remember to wash your hands and put your tray back when you're done. Breakfast is in the dining area."**
You and Hazel exchange glances. "Shall we?" you ask.
She nods with a sarcastic eagerness. "Let's eat. The hard-boiled eggs are to //die// for."
You laugh. (if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[The wonderful thing about hanging out with Hazel is that she //always// knows how to make you laugh.](else:)[Although you sometimes struggle to see eye-to-eye with your friend, she always knows how to make you laugh.]
You both line up together - you are among the first two there to retrieve your breakfast tray. You search quickly for your room number and find your tray.
<hr/>**Jessica Meredith Gonzales
DOB: August 23, 1985
DIET: Standard, no known allergies
BREAKFAST
1 cup coffee (decaf)
1 pkt sugar
1 milkette
1 pkt margarine
1 pkt pepper
1 apple juice
1 milk (250ml)
1 srv marble cheddar light
1 srv ww toast
1 hard boiled egg
1 plastic spoon
1 plastic fork
1 napkin**<hr/>
Hazel leads you to a space far off in the corner. You follow closely behind.
[[Sit and start eating.->D3 Breakfast Start.]]This is only the second breakfast, but already you're sick of hard boiled eggs. Nonetheless, you need to eat, so you chip away at the egg's shell with your fork and try to pry it open.
You look across the room and notice that Amara is retrieving their tray. (if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[You want to wave them down, but the shame from your earlier interactions crashes in. You realize that it's better to leave them be.](else:)[You consider waving them over to join you.]
[[Talk about Hazel's hearing.->D3 Breakfast Talk About Hearing]]
(if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[[[Vent to Hazel about your confrontation with Amara.->D3 Breakfast Vent About Amara]]](else:)[[[Invite Amara to join.->D3 Breakfast Invite Amara]]]"I'm sorry that you have to deal with that hearing."
Hazel nods slowly. "I won't let him lock me in here."
Her father. You know almost nothing about the situation, but her father sounds like a nightmare.
"Has this happened before?"
"Yes," she says. "When I was younger, still a minor, yes."
You're tempted to ask how old she is now, although it seems like a rude question. Not to mention completely irrelevant.
How do you want to proceed?
[[Empathize with her over escaping a past abuser.->D3 Breakfast Empathize Hazel Abuse]]
[[Reassure her that she'll be successful at her hearing.->D3 Breakfast Reassure Hazel]]You wave at Amara from across the room. They see you, smile, and carry their tray over to you.
Hazel shoots you an annoyed look. You shrug your shoulders in response. Hazel and Amara didn't get along before, but today is a new day.
Amara sits down next to you. "Thank you for inviting me," they say.
"No problem," you respond.
Hazel says, "Hi Amara."
"Hi Hazel," they respond in a pleasant tone. Amara seems like the forgiving type.
You spread some of the hard boiled egg onto the piece of bread. It's so soggy and cold that you refuse to call it toast. Little shell chips land on the bread, and you do your best to pick them off with your fingernails.
The table is quiet. You try to think of something to talk about.
[[Discuss your plans upon being discharged.->D3 Breakfast Amara Discharge Plans]]
[[Commiserate over the quality of the food.->D3 Breakfast Amara Food Quality]]"Something happened," you say. "Something has left me a bit confused."
"What's that?" Hazel asks.
"Amara," you respond. What happened has baffled you to such a degree that it's beyond describing. Yet you sincerely feel that Hazel's input would be reassuring. "Amara got really mad at me."
Hazel asks, "What did you do - did you ask them about being genderqueer?"
At once you remember when Amara left you and Hazel alone at lunch. Hazel has already made conclusions about Amara. Heat rushes to your face as you realize that maybe Amara was right to reject you.
[[Be vague. Your behaviour was embarrassing.->D3 Breakfast Vent Be Vague]]
[[Tell her about the paper.->D3 Breakfast Vent Tell About Paper]]{
(set: $D3BreakfastHazelGrumpy to true)
}"I don't understand how this passes for toast," you say.
Amara nods empathetically. Hazel suppresses a laugh.
You decide to find out what's funny. "What, Hazel?"
"Nothing," she says. "It's just - do you know how many conversations I've had in here about how bad the food is?"
"No," you respond.
"I just wish people would think of other things to talk about."
You didn't intend for the conversation to go this way. Heat rushes to the front of your face. You //were// just trying to make small talk, but it seems better to eat in silence now.
[[Eat quietly.->D3 Breakfast Amara Eat Quietly]]
[[Tell Hazel how you feel.->D3 Breakfast Amara Tell Hazel How Feel]]
[[Point out Hazel's hypocrisy.->D3 Breakfast Amara Tell Hazel Hypocrite]]It's hard not to become somewhat complacent about your existence on the ward. At a certain point, everyone seems to accept their powerlessness over their individual cirumstances. You're on the psychiatric ride - unable to see a future for yourself, but knowing that release is inevitable.
You query the table. "So, what will y'all do when you get out?"
Hazel immediately chimes in. "I will //murder// my father for real this time." You can't tell if she's being serious or if this is just playful sarcasm. You choose not to read too much into it.
You look toward Amara. "What about you?"
Amara responds, "I don't quite understand the question."
You then say, "What do you miss from the outside world? What do you long to go back to?"
"Oh, that's easy," Amara responds. "Pizza," they say rather anticlimatically.
"Pizza?"
"Yes. Pizza."
Hazel jumps in. "You know we //can// order pizza in here, right? I've done it before."
You all exchange glances. Everyone is smiling. Smiling is good.
Hazel says, "All right Jess, now you have to tell us."
How do you respond?
[[Say something deep and serious.->D3 Breakfast Amara Deep And Serious]]
[[Say something dirty and clever.->D3 Breakfast Amara Dirty And Clever]]"I'm going to masturbate in the privacy of my own home."
Hazel erupts in laughter. Amara's expression straightens, and they immediately look downward at the table.
Through her laughter Hazel says, "You know what? I just do it anyway."
"//Really?//" you respond.
"Yes!" Hazel says. "I'm not going to stop pleasuring myself just to appease the night nurse, and you shouldn't either."
"Wait," you say. "Isn't that a little bit creepy?"
Hazel laughs again. "No you dolt, the one sneaking a look at you at //night// with a fucking //flashlight// is creepy."
You're blushing, and while Hazel is quite persuasive, you resolve to wait anyway. You didn't expect the conversation to turn this way, but you //did// bring up the subject of masturbation.
[[Finish eating.->D3 Breakfast Amara Finish]]"I'm going to have my best friend over and - maybe - properly grieve for my cat."
They're both looking at you. Amara nods. Hazel shoots a puzzled expression your way.
(if: $D2TellRachelCat is true)[
"You're the only person I've met who's gone to the psych ward over a dead cat," Hazel says.
](else:)[
Hazel looks your way. "Wait, you're here because of a cat?"
You nod.
She continues, "OK, that's a new one."
]
You lock eyes with Hazel. You're not sure why she's reacting this way. You try to imagine where she's coming from, but her words sting a little bit.
Hazel can't be trusted to handle your feelings with care, which is a bit sad. You really //want// to like her. (if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[In fact, you've grown quite fond of her already, which makes it hard when she lets you down.](else:)[You wonder if your earlier misgivings were just a sign of things to come. You wonder a lot of things.]
"Hey, why are you so quiet all of a sudden?" Hazel asks.
You catch Amara rolling her eyes.
You take another bite of your soggy egg bread. "It's nothing," you say.
[[Finish eating->D3 Breakfast Amara Finish]]You take the final bite out of your bread, chew it, and swallow. Hazel and Amara seem to be finishing up too - quietly in fact - though the other conversations in the room continue rolling.
"That's it for me," you announce.
Hazel stares down at her tray. In fact, she seems to be stubbornly fixing her gaze. You're tempted to ask her what's wrong, but you can probably take a guess.
Her hearing. You would be feeling pretty rotten in her shoes.
You stand and walk across the room to deposit the tray in the appropriate spot on the cart. Then you walk out of the dining area.
[[Continue.->D3 Meet Nurse]]You are resigned to silence. There really isn't much to say. On some level you're happy that Hazel is back, but the immediate reminder of how insensitive she can be cuts into your attempt to ignore reality.
You continue to take small bites out of your soggy bread. You would rather be done with this meal quickly, but the unfavourable textures make it a chore to chew and swallow. You put down the bread and take a sip of apple juice to help force it down. Then you keep working at it.
[[Finish eating->D3 Breakfast Amara Finish]]"Hazel?" you start.
"What?" she asks.
Your heart races as you think and consider what the best response is. You struggle to articulate it, and your response lands awkwardly late. "It hurts when you talk like that," you say.
Hazel looks into your eyes. "What do you mean?"
"I mean - you don't have to put me down. Just change the subject."
"Fine. How about //nothing?// Maybe I want to talk about //nothing.//"
And that's what happens. You, Hazel, and Amara eat together while quietly talking about nothing.
[[Finish eating.->D3 Breakfast Amara Finish]]"I don't know, they just suddenly got mad at me," you respond.
Hazel shrugs it off. "Amara has a short fuse. They were bitter to me, and I wasn't even doing anything wrong."
You know that Hazel's interaction with Amara played out a bit differently than she remembers, and with that her opinion remains suspect.
You curse yourself for seeking reassurance without considering the source. The interaction leaves you feeling worse. You press the memory further and further from your mind. There is a disturbing finality to your relationship with Amara, and thinking of it fills you with regret. You don't like the feeling of regret, so you try not to think about it.
[[Finish eating->D3 Breakfast Finish]]"Amara handed me a piece of paper saying that the hospital is bugged," you explain.
Hazel nods. "Well yeah, I mean, it probably is."
You squint at her. "Wait a minute - you actually believe that?"
She laughs nervously. "Not particularly. I'm sure you've noticed by now that it's impossible to get your nurse's attention, right?"
You nod. "Sure."
"Either they're too busy listening into our conversations, or they're not watching us //that// carefully." She exhales a moment. You glance across the room and see Amara sitting off in the corner with (if:$MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[an older woman].
Hazel continues, "Take your pick. I know what I'd bet on."
You nod. By now you've forgotten what you were trying to tell her, but at least you've considered the ins and outs of the hospital being bugged.
[[Finish eating.->D3 Breakfast Finish]]You and Hazel quietly finish eating together. You find it challenging to make conversation at the moment. She finds it hard too. So you both nibble and choke down your food in each others company.
Soon enough it's over. You've taken the last bite and conquered yet another hospital meal. You both stand up, return your trays, and part ways quietly.
You hope Hazel is OK, but you also have to look after yourself.
[[Continue.->D3 Meet Nurse]]"You're one to talk," you snap at Hazel.
"Excuse me?" Hazel asks.
A part of you is shocked that Hazel can't even see her own hypocrisy. "You were //just// making a wisecrack about the hard-boiled eggs."
(if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[
"Don't get your panties in a twist. It was //just// a joke," she responds, unwilling to yield.
"So only //you// get to bitch about this place?"
"If you're going to drag me down, I don't want to hear it."
](else:)[
Hazel snaps back, "What crawled up your ass and died?"
"What do you mean?" you respond.
"I mean, maybe you can tell me why you've been such a snot to me ever since I told you I'm borderline."
"Oh really?"
"//Yes//, really!"
]
Hazel pushes her chair out and eyes you, and then Amara, and then you again. "I can't deal with this right now," she says. "Enjoy your breakfast."
"Hazel, come on!" you call out as she walks away, abandoning her tray.
You and Amara exchange glances and continue to eat in silence.
[[Finish eating->D3 Breakfast Amara No Hazel Finish]]{
(set: $D3HazelLeavesBreakfast to true)
}The tension is thick, but you and Amara sit idly and pick away at your food. You didn't expect Hazel to leave in a huff like that - you expected a swift and witty comeback - but you aren't surprised. It's hard when it feels like she's a ticking timebomb.
Amara breaks the silence. "She's probably worried about her hearing."
You respond, "She told you about her hearing?"
Amara nods slowly. "She tells everyone about her hearing." Were it anyone but Amara, you would find the comment to be rather snide. Amara is simply describing what they observed.
You take the final bite of your piece of toast. You and Amara quietly part ways after returning your trays. Hazel's tray rests with a half-uneaten piece of toast on the table where she left it.
[[Continue.->D3 Meet Nurse]]As you walk through the hallway dodging the morning stragglers, a young man's voice calls out behind you. "Jessica? Excuse me, you're Jessica, right?"
You turn around and look at him. He's a tall white man with short black hair. He can't be much older than you. He's wheeling along what looks like a blood pressure machine as he walks toward you. He extends his hand. "I'm Mike. I'll be your nurse today." You shake his hand. "I just need to get your blood pressure and do a quick check-in. Shall we go to your room?"
You nod, and lead the way.
When you enter the room, you sit down on the bed. He stands before you and wraps the sensor around your upper arm. He squeezes the knob to inflate it. "How are the suicidal thoughts?" he asks.
He takes the reading and puts a note on your chart before removing the sensor from your arm.
[[D3 Nurse Explain Last Night<-Explain your episode last night.]]
[[D3 Nurse Be Vague<-Respond vaguely.]]"I was suicidal last night," you say.
"What happened last night?"
You're not sure what to say - you're not even sure if there was a specific trigger. (if: $D2SawJon is not true)[Perhaps it was the fact that you missed Jon when he came by. The fact that Gail didn't wake you up just increased the pressure of your loneliness.](else-if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[Perhaps it was your telephone conversation with Jon. His refusal to visit still stings just a little bit.](else-if: $HectorBully is true)[Perhaps it was your run-in with Hector, and your attempt to intercept his bullying of another patient. Witnessing him harming another patient - even verbally - made this space less healing.](else:)[Perhaps it was your insensitive and unapproachable nurse. It certainly didn't help when she bestowed her 'wisdom' on you.] If you're being honest with yourself, yesterday was a rotten day.
"I don't know," you say, unable to articulate it. "I just wanted to die."
He nods. "All right. Do you think there's a risk that you would try to kill yourself in the hospital?"
[["Yes."->D3 Nurse Yes Would Suicide]]
[["I might."->D3 Nurse Might Suicide]]
[["No."->D3 Nurse No Suicide]]"I don't know," you say as you look down at the floor. "Not great, I guess." You're grasping for the words to explain it. (if: $D2SuicidalWashroom is true)[Right now it feels safest not to tell him that you were contemplating suicide in the washroom.](else:)[Right now it doesn't feel safe to explain the feelings you went through last night.]
The emotional pain you feel is quite surreal, and you feel compelled to carefully guard what is in your head.
"All right," Mike says, "do you think you would try to hurt yourself inside the hospital?"
(if: $D2SuicidalWashroom is true)[
Suddenly, it's no longer today and you're no longer here. You are standing with your back to the washroom door contemplating your end. As quickly as it came on, the image fades away. You're back in the room with Mike.
](else-if: $D2SuicidalBedroom is true)[
Suddenly, it's no longer today. It's night time and you are in your bedroom screaming, punching the pillows, pacing the room, and resisting the urge to throw yourself against the wall. As quickly as it came on, the image fades away. You're back in the room with Mike.
]
You fix your eyes on the floor. Eye contact is a burden. You try to decide how to answer his question.
[["Yes."->D3 Nurse Yes Would Suicide]]
[["I might."->D3 Nurse Might Suicide]]
[["No."->D3 Nurse No Suicide]]Honesty is the best policy, you gather, although you'd rather not land in acute.
"Yes," you say quietly as you stare at his feet.
"OK," he responds. "I'm glad you're being honest with me. Right now I'd like it if you spent some time out of your room so that we can keep an eye on you."
You exhale in relief. No acute ward. Fantastic. "All right," you say.
[[Go to the common area.->D3 Suicidal Go To Common Area]]You don't want to land yourself in acute. You don't want to outright lie, either. A part of you //is// afraid for your life.
"I might," you say quietly.
"You might?" Mike asks. He tilts his head and looks at you with narrow eyes.
"I don't know. I have thought about it, I guess." You're inching slightly closer to honesty on this one. Mike doesn't seem like a bad person. You want to trust him.
He nods. "OK, I'm going to ask you to spend some time in the common area so that we can keep an eye on you."
You nod in agreement.
Sounds like you're going to the common area.
[[Go to the common area.->D3 Suicidal Go To Common Area]]You think about the various things that could happen to you if you made this disclosure. Loss of privileges isn't a huge risk because you don't have that many privileges to begin with. Your biggest fear, however, is being transferred to the acute ward. Honesty isn't worth the risk.
"No, I don't think I would do that," you say.
Mike nods and smiles. "OK, that's great. Come get me if you need anything." He stands up and leaves the room.
What do you want to do?
[[Walk the hallways.->D3 Walk Hallways]]
[[Check out the common room.->D3 Walk Common Room]]{
(set: $D3ToldNurseSuicidal to true)
}You walk down the hallway toward the common area. Mike walks beside you. (if: $Formed is true)[Your hospital gown is starting to smell a bit grungy, and your underwear is soaked in sweat.](else:)[Your clothes are starting to take on the smell of your body odour, and your underwear is soaked in sweat.] You want to bathe and get a change of clothes, but this isn't the best time. You split away at the common area, walk inside, and look for something to do.
[[Enter the common room.->D3 Morning Common Room]]You take a deep breath, stand up, and exit your room. You shuffle through the hallway and to the common rooms. (if: $Formed is true)[Your hospital gown is starting to smell a bit grungy, and your underwear is soaked in sweat.](else:)[Your clothes are starting to take on the smell of your body odour, and your underwear is soaked in sweat.] You wonder if a shower wouldn't be appropriate at this time, but you don't have the energy to bother the staff for supplies.
[[Walk to the other end of the ward.->D3 Morning Walk To End]]You take a deep breath, stand up, and exit your room. You shuffle through the hallway and to the common rooms. (if: $Formed is true)[Your hospital gown is starting to smell a bit grungy, and your underwear is soaked in sweat.](else:)[Your clothes are starting to take on the smell of your body odour, and your underwear is soaked in sweat.] You wonder if a shower wouldn't be appropriate at this time, but you don't have the energy to bother the staff for supplies.
[[Enter the common room.->D3 Morning Common Room]]You walk inside and look around.
You see Amara colouring with (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia.](else:)[a woman you recognize from downstairs - the one who made rude comments about Hazel.]
Hector sits in the same spot as usual watching TV. He sits alone on one of the couches.
(if:$D2BulliedAmara is true)[[[Join Amara.->D3 Morning Colouring Rejected]]](else:)[[[Join Amara.->D3 Morning Colouring]]](if: $D3HectorAborted is not true)[
[[Join Hector.->D3 Morning Hector]]]
(if: $D3TriedToLeaveCommonRoom is not true)[(if: $D3ToldNurseSuicidal is true)[[[Go for a walk in the hallway.->D3 Morning Walk Intercepted]]](else:)[[[Go for a walk in the hallway.->D3 Morning Walk]]]]You walk over to the television and lower yourself into the unoccupied couch across from Hector.
He looks over at you. "Excuse me. Excuse me, girl."
//Girl.// The nerve. You expect nothing less coming from the psych ward's leading misogynist. "What?" you shoot back at him unimpressed.
"Maybe you don't understand how things work here, so I'll let this slide." He fixes his gaze on you. "I never told you that you could sit there."
(if: $D2SatWithHector is true)[
You distinctly recall Hector letting you sit with him the other day. His insistence that you move is confusing at best.
](else:)[
You grip the arm of the couch and dig your nails in. You try to decide if this is worth fighting for.
]
(if: $HectorBully is true)[[[Remain sitting.->D3 Morning Hector Stay Rejected]]](else:)[[[Remain sitting.->D3 Morning Hector Stay]]]
[[Get up and leave.->D3 Morning Hector Get Up]]You decide to go for a walk after all. You don't particularly feel like colouring or spending time with Hector, so this seems like the best choice.
You leave the common area and look around.
[[Walk to the other end of the ward.->D3 Morning Walk To End]]You approach the table where Amara and (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[their friend] are colouring. You see a book full of inspirational quotes with pretty borders that you can colour in. Each of them is working on their own individual page.
"Can I join?" you ask.
"Sure," Patricia responds. Amara continues colouring and doesn't look up. You're used to this routine with Amara. (if: $D2ReconciledAmara is true)[Still, you worry that they haven't forgiven you yet. Hopefully they would speak up if they didn't want you around.]
(if: $D2Coloured is true)[[[Start colouring.->D3 Morning Colouring Decide Get Page]]](else:)[[[Start colouring.->D3 Morning Fresh Page]]]
{
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
}You walk out of the common area. There isn't much to do there anyway, and you figure that your nurse can just watch you on the cameras - if he is watching you at all. No sense in being couped up if you can avoid it.
You walk through the ward and come across a window. You lean on the window sill. You look out at the city. You watch the tiny cars move around. People going about their days.
Suddenly a voice from behind calls out. "//Jessica!//" It's a man's voice. You turn around and see Mike behind you.
"I //told// you to stay in the common room. Come on."
[[Cooperate.->D3 Morning Caught Cooperate]]
[[Don't cooperate.->D3 Morning Caught Uncooperative]]{
(set: $D3TriedToLeaveCommonRoom to true)
}"You //have// to stay in the common area right now. I really mean it." Mike crosses his arms and shoots a disappointed expression your way.
You nod slowly. "Sorry," you squeak out as you follow him back to the room. The walk of shame. You resolve to stay in the room from now on.
[[Walk back into the common room.->D3 Morning Common Room]]{
(set: $MetDonna to true)
(set: $Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
}"No," you say, "I'm perfectly fine out here. You can see me on the cameras."
"Jessica. Come on."
You shake your head. "Why do I have to sit in there?"
"You said you weren't safe, so that was the plan." The //plan?// You had no part in creating this plan, and you aren't thrilled about sharing space with Hector anyway.
"It's a //crap// plan," you say.
He throws out the ultimatum. "If you don't listen to me, then I //will// call security."
You bite your tongue a moment. You don't want to see security. That's the last thing you want to see. (if: $Formed is true)[At once you're reminded of the vulnerability you face when you're on a form.](else:)[You wonder if what he suggested is even legal - after all, you're not on a form, so you should be able to leave at any time.] You wonder if fighting this is really worth it.
An older woman with grey hair limps as she approaches. "Hey there. Hey. Let's not do that. What's your name?"
"Jessica," you say.
"Hi Jessica. Donna." She reaches out and gently shakes your hand. "Why don't you come sit with me?"
"//In// the common room," Mike adds.
Donna responds, "Yeah, yeah. Let's go, Jess. Forget about this hot air."
You look from Mike to Donna and then back at Mike. He nods at you. You follow Donna to the common room.
[[Sit down with Donna.->D3 Morning Sit Donna]]"You seem like you're just looking for trouble," Donna says as you both sit down at one of the tables.
"Who, me?" you ask.
"Yes, you. You know that they //will// call security if you provoke them like that, right?"
[["You're right - I should be more careful."->D3 Morning Donna You're Right]]
[["Whatever."->D3 Morning Donna Whatever]]"It must have been hard growing up with him," you say.
"You don't know the half of it," she responds - almost as if she's offended.
You ask, "Do you want to tell me about it?"
Hazel sighs. "What is there to tell? What's in my story that you haven't heard somewhere else? My father hurt me. Whatever."
You frown and nod. There is a hint of shame in your emotional climate. Earlier it seemed like Hazel wanted to tell you anything and everything about herself. Seeing her vulnerable, as she guards a heavy secret, clashes against your preconceptions about her.
You nibble on your toast and force down each bite. You both eat in silence.
[[Finish eating.->D3 Breakfast Finish]]Encouraging her is the best option. You can tell Hazel is uneasy, but maybe cheering her on will help. "Hazel, I know you can beat this."
"Oh //really?// How do you know that?" she responds.
"It's unjust," you say. "Any reasonable judge would throw out this case if the hospital is blocking access to evidence."
Her gaze breaks away from he food and her eyes meet yours. "You mean my phone?"
"Yes. The hospital is impeding your access to justice. You should really document it." You curse yourself for giving potentially unwanted advice - but what's said is said.
She nods. "You're absolutely right. The hospital witholding my phone is almost the best thing that's happened to me." She speaks with a sarcastic tone.
You both continue eating - mostly in silence. It takes concentration to choke down this food.
[[Finish eating.->D3 Breakfast Finish]]
You move through the hallways slowly. You suspect there will be a lot of walking back and forth, but it doesn't really matter. This is one of the only ways to get exercise, especially when you're not permitted to leave.
The ward is mostly quiet. As you walk past one of the rooms you hear a raspy female voice say, "If you don't let me take your blood, I'm going to have to call security."
Chills. It almost doesn't matter that it's happening to someone else - it's still a reminder of how vulnerable you are.
You reach the end of the hallway. You walk back to where you started. You do this for a while until you get bored of it. You stop at a window sill and look out.
"Hey," you hear a female voice say. You turn around and look at her. (if: $MetYua is true)[It's Yua! You were colouring with her downstairs.](else:)[You see a young Japanese woman.]
(if: $MetYua is not true)[
"I'm Yua," she says.
"Jessica," you respond.
]
[["How are you today?"->D3 Yua How Are You]]
[["Nice weather, right?"->D3 Yua Nice Weather]]
(set: $MetYua to true)"How are you today?" you ask.
Yua shrugs. "Been better, I guess."
You nod slowly. "It's a bit rough in here."
"Tell me about it. My form should be up tomorrow."
(if: $Formed is not true)[
"I've avoided being formed, but they won't let me go outside."
"Why not?" she asks.
"I'm guessing - I'm guessing my situation will become less than voluntary if I try to leave," you respond.
](else-if: $DayFormIsUp is 4)[
"Mine will be up tomorrow too," you say.
](else:)[
"The day after for me," you say.
](if: $Formed is true)[
She nods. "They might take you off the form anyway. I've seen it happen to people. Revolving doors. Moving people out as quickly as possible."
You both stand and watch the outside world for a bit. You certainly hope that's not the case - you hope that you won't be forced to leave before you're ready. Then again, you're still conflicted on how badly you want to be here.
](else:)[
You both stand and watch the outside world for a bit. A part of you is desperate to leave this place. The rest of you is afraid of being released. Suspended between two worlds, it's hard to know where you actually belong - or if you'll have even a foothold once you get out.
]
[["So ... you're formed?"->D3 Yua So You're Formed]]
[["I hope today passes quickly."->D3 Yua Hope Today Passes]]"Nice weather, right?" you ask.
"Great, yeah. Maybe tomorrow I'll get my off-wards."
You pause for a moment - off-wards? Then you realize that she's probably talking about the smoking passes. Each ward has different lingo, a different culture, but the differences are often superficial at best. "I wish I had passes."
"You aren't getting passes either?" she asks.
You shake your head.
"I guess yeah. If you're not safe, they won't let you leave. That's a given."
You nod quietly, and look out at the scenary with her.
[["So ... you're formed?"->D3 Yua So You're Formed]]
[["I hope today passes quickly."->D3 Yua Hope Today Passes]]{
(set: $D3YuaTalkedAboutGirlfriend to true)
}"So ... you're formed?" you ask.
She nods. "I told my girlfriend I was going to kill myself. She called 911. So now I'm here."
You recall there being quite a few more steps between the police and the hospital, but it's all just details.
"Does she come to visit?" you ask.
"Who? My girlfriend? She hasn't come by." Yua looks down at the window sill. Her eyes are half shut - twitching, even - and she frowns.
"That's harsh," you say.
She shrugs. "Doesn't matter."
(if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[
"You're in good company. My friend told me he wasn't going to come anymore. We had a tense visit the other day."
She nods quietly. Perhaps she's too polite to say anything. At least you did have a visit. Even one visit is something to be grateful for.
](else:)[
"It's hard to plan ahead while suicidal. I'm sorry she isn't visiting," you say.
She nods. "Well, it is what it is."
]
[["Why do you think she isn't visiting?"->D3 Yua Why Not Visit]]
[["Has she called?"->D3 Yua Has She Called]]"I hope today passes quickly."
"Yes," Yua responds. "Me too. I'm getting tired of this place already."
"We must have come in at around the same time."
"Yes."
You both stare out the window and struggle to find anything to say. You struggle to find the will to continue this conversation. It doesn't matter so much. At least, for the moment, neither of you are alone.
You hear a crackle as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Yua Announcement]]"Why do you think she isn't visiting?"
"Why would she? I don't know. If it were her in here, I'd come visit everyday."
You aren't sure what to say to this. It feels like the conversation is just going to go in circles. "Well - it's early, so maybe she will."
You hear a crackle as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Yua Announcement]]"Has she called?"
Yua shrugs her shoulders. "Who knows in this place? Maybe she called and Hector got the phone. Sounds like something that would happen."
There is a sinking feeling in your gut. She's right. Hector is problematic, and you never know who is answering the phones in here. Part of you wishes that calls would go through the nursing station, but if that were the case, probably no one would pick up.
"Maybe you should call her," you say.
She nods. "Maybe. Sure."
You hear a crackle as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Yua Announcement]]**"Attention everyone. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Everyone is required to attend unless your treatment plan says otherwise."**
You and Yua exchange glances. You crack a smile. "They're so kind and gentle about it."
Yua nods. "It'll kill an hour, at least."
You both walk to the common room. Yua walks a few steps in front of you.
[[Continue.->D3 Group Find A Spot]]"You're right - I should be more careful."
"That you //should.// You're a nice girl. I can see that. The staff though? They don't see you as you are. They only see what you do."
You don't appreciate her tone. It feels almost like a lecture. The age difference of your acquaintance probably feeds into the dynamic. You know deep down that she's right. You took an unnecessary risk by refusing to cooperate. Still, you'd rather not conform to their standards - those standards do you no good on the outside.
[["What's your story?"->D3 Morning Donna What's Your Story]]
[["Behave myself. Got it."->D3 Morning Donna Behave Myself]]"Whatever. They can't take my dignity away."
Donna laughs for a moment. "Oh girl, you betcha they can, and they will. They don't think twice about it."
"What do you mean?" you ask.
Donna responds, "You're acting like you still have dignity. You don't. You know the best way to stay out of trouble, Jessica?"
"How?" you say.
"Fall in line. Do as you're told. Be nice and quiet. Be unnoticed."
[["Behave myself. Got it."->D3 Morning Donna Behave Myself]]
[["Whatever."->D3 Morning Donna Whatever Whatever]]"Behave myself. Got it."
"Good. And don't you forget it."
You roll your eyes. You then catch yourself. Donna is making you behave like //such// a teenager! You're in your thirties! You take a quick glance around the room. A few people seem to be gathering in the back, but it seems rude to leave Donna right now.
[["What's your story?"->D3 Morning Donna What's Your Story]]
[[Sit in silence.->D3 Morning Donna Sit In Silence]]"Whatever," you say again. You're in a very 'whatever' mood. Donna may have just saved your ass, but the alternative - being dragged off by security - is sounding really good right now.
"//Listen,// girl-"
"Who are you calling //girl?//" you snap back. You're sick of the condescending tone.
Donna rolls her eyes and gets up. "You know what? I was just trying to help, but this is your problem. Not mine." She limps as she slowly walks toward the exit.
You hear a crackle as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Morning Donna Left Announcement]]"What's your story?" you fire in her direction, guessing - correctly - that Donna enjoys talking about herself.
"My daughter brought me here. It's the damn flashbacks."
[["Flashbacks to what?"->D3 Morning Donna Flashbacks]]
[["That sounds hard."->D3 Morning Donna Sounds Hard]]**"Attention everyone. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Everyone is required to attend, unless your treatment plan says otherwise."**
Donna stops walking away and looks up. "Really? That time already?" She turns around and walks toward the centre of the room.
You get up and look around.
[[Continue.->D3 Group Find A Spot]]You can't think of a polite thing to say in response to Donna's jabs, so you sit quietly and stare at the table in front of you. This awkward moment will certainly pass.
A part of you thinks you should talk to her anyway. What have you got to lose? You most likely won't see her again. Who cares what she thinks?
You hear a crackle as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Morning Donna Announcement]]**"Attention everyone. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Everyone is required to attend unless your treatment plan says otherwise."**
Donna looks ahead of herself and slightly past your face. She waits a moment or two and then speaks. "That's us. Let's not keep them waiting."
You nod, stand up, and look for the group.
[[Find the group.->D3 Group Find A Spot]]You notice a group of people gathering at a set of tables in the corner of the room. Plenty of familiar and unfamiliar faces gather around. You find an empty spot in the far corner - you don't want to sit near anyone in particular.
A woman with an employee ID clipped to her shirt stands at the far end of the table. An easel stands next to her - just off to the side. "Now that we're all settled in, let's begin. First I'll take attendance."
She calls out names, and each person called says "here," just like in grade school. You take the moment to pick up names that you didn't recognize from before.
(if: $MetPatricia is not true or $MetYua is not true or $MetDonna is not true)[(if: $MetPatricia is not true)[
Patricia - she is the white middle-aged woman from downstairs who criticized Hazel. You often see her sitting with Amara.
](if: $MetYua is not true)[
Yua - a young Japanese woman who you've seen in the halls here and there. She sometimes hangs out with Patricia and Amara.
](if: $MetDonna is not true)[
Donna - an older white woman, probably the oldest here. She has grey hair and a warm smile.
]]
Hector is notably absent during this roll call.
With attendance done, the facilitator introduces herself to everyone.
[[Continue.->D3 Group Start]]
"My name is Deborah. I'm the group facilitator on this unit. Any questions about group - anything at all - can be directed at me. You can also find my office on the ward if you need to touch base after. Are we ready to begin?"
Fellow group members mumble out a response. It sounds affirmative, yet it's altogether unenthusiastic.
"All right, let's begin!" Deborah says with an almost obnoxious cheerfulness. "Today we're going to talk about all or nothing thinking. Can anyone here tell me what all or nothing thinking is?"
Silence. You could hazard a guess at what it is - it's certainly come up before. It's just hard to butt in.
A young black man with short, dark hair raises his hand.
"Yes, Peter?"
"It's when you see something as either all good or all bad."
"Exactly," she says, "I'm sure you've all experienced this before. Now if we can all go around and give an example of all or nothing thinking from you own experience. Let's start with you, Patricia?"
[[Listen.->D3 Group Examples]]You fix your butt firmly in the couch and look over at him. You seriously doubt he can do anything to stop you.
"I'm staying," you say.
He looks at you with fiery eyes - almost immediately the look fades back to a more natural, calm pose. "I like a woman with a little spunk. Stay as long as you like."
You shudder as he proclaims that. At least he's allowing you to remain where you are, but you can't help but feel a little disgusted at his double entendre. Then again, Hector is Hector. There is little chance that he'll change his tone.
The television is of little interest. Just the news on repeat. It's a slow day. You think of something to ask him.
[["Why do you talk to women like that?"->D3 Morning Hector Why Talk Women Like That]]
[["Why don't you let people sit with you?"->D3 Morning Hector Why Don't Let Sit]]{
(set: $D3HectorAborted to true)
}Seeing no further need to argue, you pull yourself off of the couch. You're not happy with this result, but you can't think of an appropriately snide remark with which to express your displeasure.
As you walk away from Hector, you decide to see if there's something else to do in the room.
[[Look around.->D3 Morning Common Room]]"Why do you talk to women like that?" you ask.
"What, do you think you're going to get special treatment just because you're a lady?" he asks. "You know I don't support that feminist bullshit. I believe in //equality.//"
You tilt your head slightly as you listen to what came out of his mouth. "Wait - but - I don't think you know what feminism actually means."
"I don't think you know what //equality// actually means."
You shake your head, somewhat bewildered.
[["Feminism //is// about equality."->D3 Morning Hector Feminism Is Equality]]
[["If you say so."->D3 Morning Hector If You Say]]
"Why don't you let people sit with you?" you ask.
The look he's giving you - you might reasonably call it a glare. "Three months."
"Three months?"
"When you've been here for three months, //maybe// you can have the TV."
You watch as he turns back to the TV - almost forgetting about you.
[["You hog the TV because you have seniority?"->D3 Morning Hector Seniority]]
[["I'm sorry you've been stuck here for so long."->D3 Morning Hector Sorry Long]]{
(set: $D3PatriciaDefendsAmara to true)
}You walk up to Amara and (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[their friend]. Amara sees you as you approach and quickly looks down. It seems like they're trying to avoid eye contact. (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[Their friend] rises to her feet and glares at you.
"Excuse me," she says. "What do you think you're doing here?"
"I was going to ask to join," you say. Your voice trembles as you speak.
"Really? Amara told me what happened. Who do you think you are?"
[["What do you mean?"->D3 Morning What Do You Mean]]
[["I'm sorry."->D3 Morning Patricia Sorry]]"What do you mean?" you ask.
"Don't play dumb with me. You're a bully. Now //scram.// Leave Amara alone."
She continues standing and staring at you. She walks around the table and stands directly in front of you. You're uncomfortably close.
"Do you think it's funny?" she asks.
[[Hold your ground.->D3 Morning Patricia Hold Ground]]
[[Take a step back.->D3 Morning Patricia Step Back]]"I'm sorry," you mumble out as you face (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[the woman].
"Who are you apologizing to?" she asks.
"I ... Amara." You walk to the far side of the table from Amara. You look them in the eye and say, "Amara. I'm sorry."
(if: $D2FlushPaper is true)[[[Wait for a response.->D3 Morning Amara Unforgiving]]](else:)[[[Wait for a response.->D3 Morning Amara Forgiving]]]You plant your feet firmly as she leans over you, coming closer and closer to touching. You can feel her breath on your face. "Move. I //mean it.//"
It sounds like a warning. Do you listen?
[[Leave.->D3 Morning Patricia Step Back]]
[[Stay.->D3 Morning Patricia Stay Confirm]](if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[The woman] stands uncomfortably close to you - inside your personal space. You step back, only to have her step forward again.
"//Scram.//" she says. You step back, turn around, and walk away. You hear suppressed laughter as you leave.
There is a crackling noise above you as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Morning Pushed Away Announcement]]**"Attention everyone. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Everyone is required to attend, unless your treatment plan says otherwise."**
You wonder just how this situation came together - Amara and their bodyguard. However it began, it is what it is.
The situation leaves you longing for more - longing for companionship, closeness, and comfort. (if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[Perhaps a visit with Hazel would help. That will have to wait until after group.](else:)[You sort of regret pulling away from Hazel right now. You can't help but wonder if there's a way to mend things.]
You look around the room.
[[Find the group.->D3 Group Find A Spot]]She pushes you, and on impulse you take a step back. You didn't want to give in, but you had to catch your balance. (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[The woman] then says, "Listen, I don't want to fight you in here, but you //have// to leave Amara alone.(if: $D2AmaraFailedApology is true)[ There is //nothing// you can do to make this better. Just stop trying.]"
You frown as you look from (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[the woman] to Amara and back. You desperately wish for a way you could make this better, but obviously it can't be done. Fighting with another patient won't solve or change anything. As badly as you want to assert yourself, you turn around and walk away.
One push, in the grand scheme of things, isn't a big deal.
You hear a crackling above you as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Morning Pushed Away Announcement]]You plant your butt firmly in the couch. No one is going to tell you to move - especially not Hector. You do not know what's going to happen and you tremble in anticipation. His eyes reflect an intense rage back at you. You tightly clutch the arm-rest and prepare for anything.
"No one sits with me unless I say so, and you are //not// welcome." He crosses his arms and stares at you.
[[Get up and leave.->D3 Morning Hector Get Up]]
[["What are you going to do about it?"->D3 Morning Hector What Going To Do]]
"What are you going to do about it?" you shoot back, remaining firm in your decision to not let Hector rule the psych ward.
He stands up - it's clearly a move to intimidate. You sit upright, refusing to give him the pleasure of seeing that you're scared.
But you are afraid. You don't know what you're getting yourself into. You haven't experienced this kind of bullying - this heirarchy - since grade school. You wonder if there is a systemic reason that it has resurfaced here in the hospital.
"No one pushes me around," Hector says.
"Who's pushing who around?" you respond. "What's the point of policing who gets to sit near you?"
"You're //talking back//," he says. "I've been here for three fucking months and all I want is to watch TV without some butthurt girl taking up space."
[["Wow, three months?"->D3 Morning Hector Three Months?]]
[["I don't //care// how long you've been here."->D3 Morning Hector Don't Care How Long]]"Wow, three months?"
"Yes. Three miserable fucking months. So give me some space."
[["If you're going to be such a baby about it, fine."->D3 Morning Hector Baby]]
[["I'm staying."->D3 Morning Hector Still Staying]]"I don't //care// how long you've been here."
"You don't care? You really don't care? Do you even know what this place does to you?"
You almost regret trying to sit with him at this point. There's no way you were going to get a positive response, especially after you defended the woman he was berating before.
"You - Jessica - you better watch your back." He turns around and storms out of the common area.
Did he really just //threaten// you?
A crackling sound emits from the PA system. An announcement is coming in.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Hector Bully Announcement]]**"Attention everyone. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Everyone is required to attend, unless your treatment plan says otherwise."**
Dealing with Hector has been exhausting. You don't particularly feel up to joining a group, but you don't want to get in trouble.
[[Find the group.->D3 Group Find A Spot]]You stand up and quickly walk past him.
"If you're going to be such a baby about it, fine."
"//Excuse me?//" Hector shouts your way.
You turn around and shout back. "I said if you're going to be a //baby// about it, you can have the TV all to yourself.
"You're a total bitch. That's why you don't have a boyfriend. No one wants to date a bitch like you."
You walk away. You walk to the far end of the room. He's still yelling, but you try to ignore it.
A crackling noise sounds above as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Hector Bully Announcement]]"I'm //staying,//" you state firmly. He's not likely to get the message, but you're not going to give up.
You aren't sure you've ever seen eyes as angry as Hector's right now. He is suppressing something deep, but pressure is building. "Fine," he says. "You better watch yourself." He turns around quickly and walks out of the room.
You hear a couple cheers from other people in the room. Not Earth shattering praise - just gentle appreciation.
A crackling sounds above. The PA system is on. You listen for the announcement.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Hector Bully Announcement]]**Patricia says, "When I think my cat hates me just because she doesn't come when she's called."**
The group chuckles. Your stomach tightens. It's funny, but you can't laugh at a cat joke right now. Then again, Patricia is probably just deflecting.
**Hazel says, "Sometimes I think my father is completely evil, but he's probably done at least //one// good thing in his life."**
The group laughs again.
**Amara says, "I used to think I had to be either all-female or all-male."**
An unknown voice across the table responds, "Isn't that kind of how it is?"
Amara responds, "I can be both, and I can be neither. It's up to the individual to decide."
**Yua says, "After an argument with my girlfriend, I thought my relationship was over."**
What Yua said - it's definitely a thought that you've had before, back when you used to date. You even remember begging your ex not to leave you - a rush of heat arrives at your cheeks and your face undoubtably turns red.
**Peter says, "I don't think anyone, ever, will love me for who I truly am."**
Your stomach tightens because you're next. The crowd looks at you.
[[Give an example about your thinking after Cassandra's death.->D3 Group Cassandra]]
[[Keep it inside and pass.->D3 Group Pass]]{
(set: $D3SharedInGroup to true)
(set: $GTalkedAboutCat to true)
}**You say, "When I thought I was a terrible cat owner after my cat got sick, and I didn't bring her to the vet, and then she died."**
It came out in a clump. You weren't expecting it to make much sense. You can't help but condemn yourself - just a little bit - for what happened.
Deborah noticed. "Jessica - I sense some sarcasm in what you just said."
[["It //is// my fault."->D3 Group Cassandra My Fault]]
[["Sorry."->D3 Group Cassandra Whatever]]"I'd like to pass," you say as it becomes your turn.
Deborah looks on with disappointment. "Do you think you could come up with one example? Think about why you came in here."
At once it gives you the chills - how would Deborah know why you came in here? (if: $GTalkedAboutCat is true)[How would //any// of the staff know?](else:)[Did she read your chart - is that where this is coming from?]
[[Talk about Cassandra.->D3 Group Cassandra]]
[[Insist on passing.->D3 Group Pass Insist]]{
(set: $D3GroupPass to true)
}"Look," you say, "I just want to pass."
She nods, and then looks outward at the group. "If you're struggling to come up with an example of all or nothing thinking in your life, it may help to look at the circumstances that brought you here."
You wince. Did she seriously just go there?
Whatever. You don't care. "I'll //pass.//"
"All righty! Let's move on."
[[Continue.->D3 Group Counter]]You recall that you've already started colouring another page. It's in your bedroom. (if: $D3ToldNurseSuicidal is true)[Your nurse wanted you to stay in the common room.(if: $D3TriedToLeaveCommonRoom is true)[ You already got in trouble for leaving once.] Still, it would only take a minute, and Mike is unlikely to notice that you're gone for a minute - you could just as easily be hiding in the corner of //this// room, out of sight.](else:)[You'd rather not go back right now, but it would only take a second.]
You can grab a new sheet, or you can run to your room and grab it.
[[Get a fresh sheet.->D3 Morning Fresh Page]]
(if: $D3ToldNurseSuicidal is true)[[[Run to your room.->D3 Morning Get Sheet From Room Sneaky]]](else:)[[[Run to your room.->D3 Morning Get Sheet From Room Success]]]You pick up the colouring book and thumb through the pages looking for something appropriate to colour. There are plenty of hokey phrases to choose from. It's hard to take this seriously, and colouring in the psych ward is serious business.
You find one that seems to fit. It says "BE HERE NOW," and it's something you need to be reminded of - living in the present moment. Not the past, not the future. Today, here and now.
You gently tear the page out, sit down, and reach for a coloured pencil - a purple one - to start filling things in.
[[Continue.->D3 Morning Start Colouring]](set: $D2Coloured to true)
(set: $D3ToldNurseSuicidal to true)
[[D3 Morning Colouring]]You creep to the common room's exit. You can feel your heart beating against your chest. You lean out and peer down the hall. A nurse is walking up the hall. She isn't your nurse, though.
You step outside and put one foot in front of the other. You try to appear as natural as possible - but not //too// natural! - and the nurse walks right past you. You speedwalk the rest of the way to your room.
You run inside and look around for it - you can't quite remember where you left it.
Is it on the table? Yes. Yes, it is on the table. Your skip over to the table and pick up the page. It says "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL." You smile, and creep to the exit of your room and lean against the wall.
You hear footsteps coming your way. Loud footsteps. You guess that the person might be wearing heels, but you can't be certain.
[[Take a peek around the corner.->D3 Morning Sneaky Take A Peek]]
[[Hide inside your room.->D3 Morning Sneaky Hide Then Go]]"I'll be right back," you announce, as you turn around and head out into the hallway. You walk past a few other patients. One of them is quietly mumbling to himself as you go by. Soon enough you take a turn into your bedroom and find the page sitting upon your desk. It's a partially coloured "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL," and it makes you smile when you see it.
You take it, turn around, and walk back to the common room. You join the group and reach for a coloured pencil. The colour of the day is purple.
[[Continue.->D3 Morning Start Colouring]]You decide to steal yourself a quick peak. If you're fast enough then you probably won't be noticed. Your heart still races. You're no longer sure of why you're doing this - you //hate// getting into trouble.
You lean out just a crack and look out in the direction of the common area. Yes, a female nurse is approaching in your direction. You're safe. You're not her patient. She probably doesn't know or care who you are.
You switch places and take a peek behind you. It's good to know who is coming from behind. You see him. Mike is right there. His trajectory will take him past your door unless you give him reason to stop and inspect you.
Instinctually you rush back into the room and press yourself against the wall parallel to the door.
(if: $D3TriedToLeaveCommonRoom is true)[[[Wait.->D3 Morning Sneaky Caught]]](else:)[[[Wait.->D3 Morning Sneaky Wait One More Moment]]]
You walk back into your room and press your back against the wall parallel to the door. Your heart races. You take deep breaths to slow it down.
You wonder if this is what a secret agent feels like.
The foot steps get louder. Louder. Louder. Then they start to fade out. Probably the person turned the corner and moved to the other hall. Now's your chance.
[[Return to the common area now.->D3 Morning Sneaky Return To Common Area]]
(if: $D3TriedToLeaveCommonRoom is true)[[Wait just one more moment, then go.->D3 Morning Sneaky Caught]]](else:)[[[Wait just one more moment, then go.->D3 Morning Sneaky Wait One More Moment]]]
With all the confidence you can muster, you take a deep breath and walk out of your room. You look to the left and to the right - no sign of Mike so far.
You walk toward the common room. You steady your pace, trying to appear as natural as possible.
When you reach the door to the common room, someone is already exiting. You stop to give the person room, and you see from the side of the face that it is Mike.
You take a deep breath.
[[Apologize to Mike.->D3 Morning Sneaky Apologize]]
[[Walk back into the common room and say nothing.->D3 Morning Sneaky Walk Back In]]Sweat rolls down your forehead as you wait. And wait. You're not sure how long you should stay here. You're taking a chance either way, and it's hard to be sure you're in the clear when you walk out into the hall.
You imagine this as a game of probabilities, and it only leads to more questions. What is the likelihood //your// nurse will be in the hallway at any given time? What is the likelihood that Mike is even looking for you? How much trouble will you //really// be in if you get caught?
Are you taking this too seriously? It's a sobering thought. You take slow continuous breaths as you wonder how much this actually matters.
In fact, it probably doesn't matter all that much.
It's time to go back.
[[Return to the common room.->D3 Morning Sneaky Return To Common Area]]Amara looks up at you from across the table and studies your face. Then they shake their head.
(if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[The woman, who seems to be speaking for Amara,] glares at you.
"Leave," she commands. She then moves very close to you, forcing her way into your personal space.
[[Continue.->D3 Morning Patricia Hold Ground]]{
(set: $D2BulliedAmara to false)
}Amara studies you for a moment. You wonder what they're thinking as they weigh the pros and cons of accepting your apology. As they weigh those pros and cons, you stand unsteady. You think about the time when you first met Amara. You remember being grateful that you had someone to sit with at dinner yesterday.
If you're being honest with yourself, you blew it. For the moment it makes you sad.
You wonder if (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia's role here is self-appointed.](else:)[the woman speaking for Amara is self-appointed.] After a moment you doubt this assessment and question yourself. You hope Amara is OK, but you wonder if you have the right to hope that.
After standing there for a while, Amara extends their hand. You extend yours and shake it. (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[The woman], who moments ago intimidated you with her burdening presence, nods. She speaks, "All right, fine. If they're square, we're square."
You hear a crackling noise above you as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Morning Pushed Away Announcement]]"If you say so," you mutter softly. It seems better to let him have his way. You wouldn't want to damage his fragile male ego,
Besides, you didn't come here to talk feminism with anyone. You came here to survive.
[[Continue.->D3 Morning Hector Disengage]]"Feminism //is// about equality."
He looks at you wide-eyed as if you just intruded on his domain. "If you want equality then maybe women should be drafted. Do you also want that?"
"We're talking about the draft now?" you ask.
"I'm just saying, women want equality only when it's convenient. They still want their child support. Alimony."
You dig your nails into the arm of the couch. You think of a number of responses you can throw in his face. You think over your options.
[[Push it.->D3 Morning Hector Push It]]
[[Let it go.->D3 Morning Hector If You Say]]"What about unpaid labour?" you ask.
"What are you? A communist?" he responds.
[[Keep going.->D3 Morning Hector Push It 2]]
[[Give up.->D3 Morning Hector Give Up]]"You hog the TV because you have seniority?" You can't sit down and pretend that this is OK. You can't pretend that the patients here are anything but equal.
"Do you //seriously// envy me? Seriously?" You see him tense and flex his arms. He then crosses them and looks down at the floor - then up at you - then back to the floor. "Just be thankful for what you have. You have somewhere to go. Just be thankful."
You do have somewhere to go, though your sense of security rests on your next paycheque coming though - and somehow, you imagine your employer only pays those who are actually working.
At once you feel sick as this harsh reality settles in. You want to read your bank account balance just to reassure yourself that you're OK for the month. You try to tolerate the moment, but it's hard to tolerate a world that, by all indications, doesn't seem to want you in it.
You hear a crackling noise above you as the PA systemm turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Morning Hector Announcement]]"I'm sorry you've been stuck here for so long," you say. Sympathy seems best - after all, what more can you do?
He smirks a little. "Oh, thanks for that. That changes everything."
"What?"
"You know what changes nothing? //Being sorry.//"
Heat rushes to the front of your face, and you're taken with the urge to unsay. But you can't change anything that's happened.
You can't change anything that matters.
In a fit of helplessness, you utter the first thing you think of. "Sorry," you say, almost instinctively, and certainly against your better judgment.
"Sorry won't get them back."
[["Them?"->D3 Morning Hector Them]]
[[Disengage from the conversation.->D3 Morning Hector Disengage]]"Them?" you respond, perhaps in an overly curious tone. It's hard to say how he'll react. You focus on his reactions and listen intently. At once, you mentally prepare to make a quick getaway if needed - mapping out the various routes through the room you can take.
Yet, instead of coming at you like you were expecting, a tear rolls down his face. "Who cares? You don't care about me. Nobody does."
You aren't sure you'll get an answer, but you doubt he'll try to hurt you.
You sit with him in silence for a while.
A crackling noise sounds above as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Morning Hector Announcement]]You stare at the TV awhile, but you're not watching it. Part of you focuses on Hector, though you try not to //act// like you're paying attention to him. It seems wise to stay alert to his behaviours. You sense he can go from cool to threatening really fast.
Perhaps that's not the case. Perhaps you're just hypervigilant. This place in general puts you on edge, if you're being honest with yourself.
A crackling noise sounds above as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Morning Hector Announcement]]**"Attention everyone. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Everyone is required to attend unless your treatment plan says otherwise."**
Finally! You finally have a reason to get away from Hector. You curse yourself for sitting with him anyway - talking to him has been frustrating beyond belief.
You stand up and look for the group.
[[Find the group.->D3 Group Find A Spot]]"You're derailing. Women do lots of undervalued labour. Why isn't housework or childcare compensated?" you ask.
Hector responds, "If you want a job, get a fucking job. Stop stealing your husband's money."
[[Keep going.->D3 Morning Hector Push It 3]]
[[Give up.->D3 Morning Hector Give Up]]"Whatever, Hector."
At some point it's better not to waste your energy. You silently assure yourself that Hector does need a reality check, but it's not your job to educate him.
[[Continue.->D3 Morning Hector Disengage]]You shoot back, "My point is it's not //his// money. We're talking about common resources."
"I'm talking about his paycheque!"
[[Give up. There's no sense in continuing this.->D3 Morning Hector Give Up]]Part of survival in here is engaging other people and learning their stories. You are curious about these flashbacks, and she brought it up first. Maybe she wants to talk about it. "Flashbacks to what?"
She responds, "I grew up in Belfast during the Troubles." Her response feels quite short, and she takes a deep breath after saying it.
You're not actually sure what she's talking about, but it feels wrong to keep questioning her. You remain quiet. You both sit mostly in silence as she takes deep breath after deep breath. You're not sure if asking her was the right thing to do. Then again, you're not sure of anything right now.
A crackling noise sounds above you as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to announcement->D3 Morning Donna Announcement]]Validation seems best. You know that asking her to talk about it would just trigger more flashbacks. "That sounds hard."
"Thanks," she says. "Not my favourite thing."
You nod. She nods back. While you're not familiar with flashbacks - at least not in the way she is - you do know what it's like to deal with intrusive thoughts and, occasionally, intrusive memories. Sometimes you're grateful that your problems aren't worse.
Still, comparisons aren't always helpful.
A crackling noise sounds above as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to announcement->D3 Morning Donna Announcement]]You decide not to break the silence. Everyone here was quiet before you arrived, and it seems better not to disturb the vibe.
You focus on your project in front of you and do your best to filter out the distractions. The room is quite lively right now - more than you'd expect in such a sad place. Perhaps your expectations are misguided. People can persevere in horrid conditions. People can absolutely survive with their sense of selves intact, even in such a dreary place.
You remember this and try to tell yourself that //you// can persevere too. It doesn't seem to help. It's hard to see yourself as anything but dead.
You wonder what the fellows at the table are going through. You wonder what they're hiding behind their sociable masks. Everyone is here for a reason. Everyone here is in some sort of crisis - even if their crisis is psychiatric detention.
A crackling noise sounds about you as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Morning Colouring Announcement]]{
(set: $MetPatricia to true)
}You try to make conversation. "Do you guys like colouring?" you ask. Immediately you curse yourself for saying something that sounds so ridiculous. Would any of you be colouring if you weren't already stuck here?
Amara looks up immediately, much to your surprise. "I'm not a guy," they say.
Now you're even more nervous. You didn't mean to offend. "Oh, when I say guys I just mean, like, people." You speak more quickly than usual.
"Then why not say people?" Amara asks.
You nod. "Point taken."
(if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[The woman sitting next to Amara] chimes in. "I didn't think you were calling //me// a guy."
"I wasn't," you respond.
"Then why say guys if none of us are guys?" Amara asks.
"I ... I ..." you stammer and try to find something to say. You didn't think asking a simple question would pull you into a conversation about semantics. It's probably not easy for Amara either. The gender binary is upheld at every turn.
A crackling noise sounds above you as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Morning Colouring Announcement]]You try your best to steady your hand as you colour the letters a gentle shade of purple. It's not the best day for this, and occasionally you skip out of the lines - but only a smidge.
You forgive yourself each time. Afterall, you have a lot on your mind.
The table makes for quiet company. Amara is never talkative of course, and (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[the other woman sitting with you] seems quite involved in her own colouring project. As much as a grown adult can be.
You're a grown adult reduced to colouring in a kid's book. You exhale, shake your head, and try to stamp out the judgment. Judgment isn't helping today.
You wonder if you should engage the people at the table.
[[Work quietly.->D3 Morning Work Quietly]]
[[Try to start a conversation.->D3 Morning Start Conversation]]
**"Attention everyone. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Everyone is required to attend, unless your treatment plan says otherwise."**
"That's us," says (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[Amara's friend].
You respond, "At least it's something to do."
"That it is," she says.
You stand. You fold up your colouring project and tuck it neatly in (if: $Formed is true)[the front pocket of your hospital gown](else:)[the back pocket of your jeans]. You look around for the group.
[[Continue.->D3 Group Find A Spot]]As you press your back against the wall in attempt to make your body as small as possible, the footsteps grow closer and closer. It feels like your heart is going to beat out of your chest. You take slow, deep, controlled breaths to try to slow it down. The seconds slow down and your vision blurs. Moments turn into forever and you lose track of how long you've been here.
Then a head pokes into the room. It's Mike. He makes eye contact with you. He walks inside and looks at you blankly. "//Again?//" he asks.
"Sorry," you respond.
"Sorry? If you can't follow my simple directions, we'll put you in observation."
Your heart, having slowed a bit, races back to its former pace. "Please. Not that."
"//Listen// Jessica-"
A crackling noise sounds above as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Morning Sneaky Caught Announcement]]**"Attention everyone. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Everyone is required to attend, unless your treatment plan says otherwise."**
The announcement, which cuts Mike off mid-sentence, saves you. You bite down on your tongue as he stands there looking down at the floor.
"Go to group, Jessica."
You nod. He stands motionless as you exit your room and head to the common area. Your thoughts race, but you try to control them. You weren't transferred to acute, thank god. Still you can't make up your mind - are you terrified or grateful?
[[Continue.->D3 Group Find A Spot]]"Mike - I'm sorry." you sputter. As you speak he turns to look at you.
"Jessica? //Seriously?//"
You hold up your colouring project as if to signal that you had a reason to be out. You open your mouth and start to explain yourself.
Mike cuts you off. "Jessica? No. Just ... stop. I have no time for this." He shakes his head and walks over to the nursing station.
A crackling noise sounds above as the PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcment.->D3 Morning Sneaky Announcement]]Mike blows past you and walks over to the nursing station, at once flashing his keycard and gaining access.
You laugh quietly to yourself for even considering an apology. You turn and walk into the common area.
The perfect crime.
You walk up to Amara and (if: $MetPatricia is true)[Patricia](else:)[their friend.] You smile at them. Then the PA system turns on - the familiar crackling.
**"Attention everyone. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Everyone is required to attend, unless your treatment plan says otherwise."**
Blast it. So much stress over nothing. You're already here, so you decide to look for the group.
[[Find the group.->D3 Group Find A Spot]]**"Attention everyone. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Everyone is required to attend, unless your treatment plan says otherwise."**
And it didn't matter anyway! (if: $D2ReadPamphlet)[You remember reading about group in the pamphlet, but you still weren't expecting it.] You look around and try to find the group.
[[Find the group.->D3 Group Find A Spot]]{
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
}"It //is// my fault," you respond. "I wish everyone would stop expecting me to look at this differently. I denied an animal medical care and //she died.//"
Deborah looks at you with uncertainty. "Well, I'm glad that you brought this up, because our next step is to look at ways we counter distorted thinking."
Your skin beneath you is burning with rage as Deborah conveniently ignores the facts you presented.
[[Push.->D3 Group Cassandra Push]]
[[Don't push.->D3 Group Counter]]"Sorry," you mumble. Your eyes fixate on the table in front of you.
"Not to worry. Next we'll talk about ways to counter distorted thinking."
You nod. There's nothing to say, and you seriously doubt that Deborah can change what you know to be true.
[[Continue.->D3 Group Counter]]{
(set: $Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
}"So wait," you say, "do we live in some alternate universe where my actions are excusable? I let an animal die. Do you even care?"
Deborah studies you for a moment. "What I hear is that you're in a lot of pain, Jessica." When she says this you want to remind her, again, of who she's dealing with. "But we do have to move on. Can you agree to put this on hold for now?"
"Just tell me I'm a bad person."
"Jessica. Please."
You look down at the table in front of you and lose yourself in the cracks and crevices lining the outer edge. "Fine," you mumble.
[[Continue.->D3 Group Counter]]Deborah - standing at the end of the table - picks up a blue marker and walks over to the easel.
"Right now we're going to talk about what it means to be //objective observers.//" She writes that at top of the page. "When you have a thought that says something //always// happens, or that you //never// get something right, you inevitably miss some of the facts."
You want to point out that she just used the term //inevitably//, which also seems to suggest an unchangeable reality.
"One simple way to take some of the power out of these phrases is to find specific examples that contradict them." (if: $D3SharedInGroup is true)[She then looks directly at you. "For instance, Jessica, you can think about how you treated your cat //before// she passed away."
You look down again and try to ignore her. Inevitably you do think about it. If you're being honest with yourself, Cassandra was a happy cat. All the more heartbreaking that she died the way she did. Still, she was happy.
](else:)[She then looks over at Yua. "For instance, Yua, you can examine your beliefs about your relationship - perhaps it's not as fragile as you fear. Have you argued before? What happened then?"
It takes you a moment to remember Yua's example - she must be going through a rough patch with her girlfriend. Being on the edge of a breakup is a terrible experience. Fearing it constantly must be a nightmare.
]
You wonder if there perhaps //is// a way to quiet that nightmare in your head - the self-condemnation that you experience. (if: $D3SharedInGroup is true)[Deborah's way might have some merit. It helps, for a moment, to remember the good times. It helps - at least until it makes you sad.](else:)[Yua's example rings true. You struggle with the knowledge that your universe is chaotic - that sometimes things are unstable. And maybe, sometimes, it's not your fault when things fall apart.]
[[Continue.->D3 Group Counter 2]]Deborah continues the lecture, but it feels as though you've taken in all you can. She lists a few other strategies, and calls out the individual examples where she thinks they apply.
You rest your arms on the table and lean forward to support your upper body. You try not to look bored, but the fact is that you're getting tired.
(if: $D3HazelLeavesBreakfast is true)[
You spy Hazel across the room and wonder if she's still angry from earlier. Normally you'd try not to obsess, but this hospital is your world right now. You try to make eye contact even though it feels silly. As if any response from her could erase the disconnect you feel.
](else-if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[
You watch Amara from across the table. They're looking down. They aren't making eye contact with anyone. This is normal for Amara, but you can't help but wonder if your behaviour from yesterday just reinforced their reluctance to make connections. You wince, just a bit, as pangs of guilt tug you further from reality.
](else-if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[
Your thoughts wander to your friend on the outside. Your face becomes quite heavy as your neutral expression turns to a frown. He doesn't want to visit anymore. It's painful to face that, because it means you'll have no visitors. How selfish it feels too, since no visitors is the norm for most.
](else:)[
You look across the table and fix your eyes on Hazel. She looks back at you, smiles briefly, and turns her eyes to the facilitator. You can't imagine what she must be going through. You're not even sure what a capacity and consent hearing entails, but it sounds terrifying to have your ability to consent on trial.
]
By the time group is over, Deborah has listed many strategies on the board. Walking the middle path. Acceptance. Consider counterexamples. Watching for words like always, never, every. You feel like you've done this before. You are quite tired by the time it's over.
[[Continue.->D3 Shower]]Your entire outfit is soaked in sweat. You consider taking a shower. You wonder what the point is when you don't even have a change of underwear.
Still, the slimy and disgusting feeling wears you down and dampens your spirit. It's time to get clean. You need shampoo and a towel. (if: $Formed is true)[A replacement hospital gown would also be nice.]
[[Go to the nursing station to fetch shower supplies.->D3 Shower Nursing Station]]
You approach the nursing station. Through the window a group stands in a circle. A few of them carry clipboards. A large woman on one end is talking. You can't hear what they're saying.
You look down the hallway to your left, and then you look to your right. You spot a few patients. No nurses. You exhale - the tension builds. You knock on the door quickly and sharply. No one looks up. This could take a while.
You look to the opposite wall and spot Yua leaning against it.
"How long have you been waiting?" you ask.
"I'd say about 20 minutes," she responds.
You lean against the wall next to her. The stress builds, but there isn't much you can do about it. You might as well get comfortable.
You can talk to Yua, or you can stand in silence.
[["How are you?"->D3 Shower Yua Ask]]
[["This place is so frustrating."->D3 Shower Yua Frustrating]]
[[Say nothing and stand in silence.->D3 Shower Yua Silent]]"How are you?"
"Too much anxiety," she responds. After she speaks, you notice her breathing - sharp, rapid, repetitious. She digs her long nails into her left wrist, perhaps in attempt to calm herself. "I really wish they would just give me an Ativan."
"They're holding your Ativan?" you ask.
"The nurses are ignoring me. They always do," she mutters. She fixes her gaze on the tiles at your feet.
You nod. You clamp your teeth as you press your shoulder against the wall. The hard, cool wall grounds you for a moment, but you wonder if it isn't better to drift away from this tiresome reality.
[[Continue.->D3 Shower Yua Girlfriend]]"This place is so frustrating," you say bitterly.
She nods. "It takes forever to get anything. Makes me want to give up."
"Give up?" you inquire.
"I wish I didn't need anything from them. I //just// want an Ativan."
You frown sympathetically and look into the nursing station again. They continue to stand around and chat, much like before. Nothing changes. Before long this will be routine, but right now you suppress your rage.
At least you have company while you wait.
[[Continue.->D3 Shower Yua Girlfriend]]You're not in the mood to talk. (if: $D3GroupPass is true)[You weren't in the mood to talk during group, and you're definitely not in the mood for casual conversation right now.](else:)[Having used all your energy sharing in group, you aren't up to conversing with someone you hardly know.] You stare ahead at the nursing station and wonder how soon you'll be noticed.
[[Continue.->D3 Shower Yua Girlfriend]]Yua breaks the silence. "My girlfriend is going to break up with me."
You look up and over at Yua. "Why?" you ask. While you're killing time you may as well listen.
"I did it again."
"Did it?" you ask. You wonder why she is hesitant to share. Then again, you're never in a hurry to discuss the reasons you're here.
"Cops brought me here," she says. "I made Ashley call them again."
Ashley must be her girlfriend. "I'm sure she understands," you say almost reflexively. You actually have no idea whether she understands or not.
"She kept telling me that she can't do this anymore," Yua responds. "She said it over and over again."
[["Sounds like she was stressed out."->D3 Shower Yua Stressed]]
[["Will you be OK without her?"->D3 Shower Yua OK Without]]"Sounds like she was stressed out." It's hard to respond to Yua's situation, in part because you would also think the relationship is falling apart. (if: $D3YuaTalkedAboutGirlfriend is true)[You recall that Ashley hasn't called or visited either. Perhaps she needed a break.](else:)[You also wonder if Ashley just needs a bit of space.] It's hard to say.
"I'm nothing but stress," Yua responds.
"Do you think Ashley just needs a bit of space?"
"I don't know. I really don't know."
Her words resonate. (if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[You think about your phone call with Jon yesterday and find yourself having the same fear.](else-if: $D2SawJon is not true)[You think about how you missed Jon yesterday, and a similar fear is apparent.](else:)[You wonder if Jon is getting tired of how frequently you're admitted to psych wards.] If you're being honest with yourself, the friendship //feels// threatened - whether or not that's the case.
[["I hope the hospital is helpful."->D3 Shower Yua Helping]]
[["I hate when relationships feel unstable."->D3 Shower Yua Unstable]]"Will you be OK without her?" you ask. The relationship doesn't sound healthy right now, although you recognize that you don't know Yua that well. It's hard to guess how things actually are from your vantage point.
Yua responds, "I don't know. I feel like I'll die if the relationship ends."
"Like you'll kill yourself?" you blurt out, almost thoughtlessly.
"Yes," she says. "Too much is going on. I can't handle losing her right now."
[["I hope the hospital is helpful."->D3 Shower Yua Helping]]
[["I hate when relationships feel unstable."->D3 Shower Yua Unstable]]"I hope the hospital is helpful," you say. You're honestly not sure what else to say. You can't think of anything comforting, and you're not even sure this place will help you.
You glance over at the nursing station. They're still talking. You don't know how long you've been waiting, but it probably doesn't matter. You're not going anywhere anyway.
Yua nods. "Well, at least I'm here."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, if she breaks up with me, I guess I won't die in here."
You quietly laugh to yourself. At least you're not dead. It seems like such a minor, insignificant detail, but there it is. It's certainly not something to be grateful for - afterall, you are here because you are wavering between life and death. Had you already made up your mind, then whatever the case, you'd be far away from this place.
[[Continue.->D3 Shower Yua Gets Meds]]"I hate when relationships feel unstable."
Yua nods. "Who doesn't?" she says - despite asking, it seems she doesn't expect an answer. "I feel like it's always unstable with Ashley. Always."
"Always?" you ask, in hope that she'll say something more.
"Yes. I don't know what to do."
Your face drops as your eyes meet hers. You nod empathetically - if a nod could be empathetic. You then turn your head to the nursing station to see if there is any traction on your request. Then you remember that you haven't even made your request yet, and you sink your shoulder deeper into the wall.
[[Continue.->D3 Shower Yua Gets Meds]]Someone emerges. A large, middle-aged woman with faded blonde hair. She holds a pill cup and water, and walks over to Yua.
"This should work in about 25 minutes," she says.
Yua takes the pill in her mouth and downs the cup of water.
The nurse begins to turn in your direction. You're not sure if she's listening - you consider trying to get her attention.
[[Try to make eye contact.->D3 Shower Wait Nurse]]
[[Ask for what you need whether she's listening or not.->D3 Shower Interrupt Nurse]]
The nurse starts to turn around. You butt in quickly. "Excuse me," you say.
She stops turning and looks you in the eye.
You quickly say, "I just need a towel and some shampoo."
The nurse nods at you. She says nothing and walks back into the nursing station.
You turn around and Yua's eyes meet your own. "That's the only way to do it," she says. "It's rude, but it beats waiting forever."
Yua hasn't been here for very long, so you wonder how she came to that conclusion. Perhaps this isn't her first time. "Have you been here before?" you ask.
She nods. "Yes."
"Some people seem to know each other," you say.
She responds, "There are a few regulars."
You aren't sure what it means to be a regular here, but it seems rude to ask how frequently she is hospitalized. You're not exactly forthcoming about your own history, but you prefer to move around. It's usually better when a hospital doesn't know you.
You'd rather not be known anywhere in this system.
[[Wait for the shower supplies.->D3 Shower Interrupt Get Supplies]]You fix your eyes on the nurse and step just a fraction of an inch closer. You raise your hand, gesturing in her direction, and you wait for her to acknowledge you.
She doesn't acknowledge you. She's almost acting as if she never //saw// you. She turns around at once and walks back into the nursing station.
"What the hell?" you curse silently.
Yua touches your arm and moves it downward. "Don't work yourself up," she says.
You want to say something short and rude in response, but nothing comes to you. You decide to be polite. Yua is clearly trying to help in whatever way she can. "Is anyone going to help me?" you ask.
Yua frowns. "They take their time if you let them." You anxiously look over at the nursing station again. You wonder if anyone even knows you're waiting. Yua then says, "It was nice chatting but I need to lie down."
You nod. "That's fair."
She walks off into the hall. You stand here alone. What do you want to do?
[[Knock again.->D3 Shower Knock Again]]
[[Keep knocking until someone gets the door.->D3 Shower Keep Knocking]]Roughly five minutes pass as you stare down the far end of the hallway. You try not to dwell on your brewing frustration. You also try your best to ignore your own behaviour - stepping in and making demands hardly feels polite, and eschewing politeness deepens your lack of self-compassion.
You deserve to be ignored. You deserve to be ignored for every second of it. But you don't. But you do. It cycles in your mind as the reality in front of you becomes subjective and optional.
The same nurse from before walks out holding a small styrofoam cup and a few towels, and at this point you decide to opt-in to this reality. You walk over to her. She passes the cup to you. "This is shampoo and body soap," she says. She hands over the towels too.
She turns around and begins to walk back into the door.
[[Ask her where the shower is before she gets away.->D3 Shower Interrupt Ask Where Is]]
[[Let her be. You can find the shower.->D3 Shower Look For Shower]]Your knock is louder and more hurried than before, though you're not fully conscious of the difference. You've lost much of your perception in this haze of frustration. You just want to get clean. That's all you want.
You wait another minute. No one has answered. Now what?
[[Keep knocking until someone answers.->D3 Shower Keep Knocking]]
[[Sit down on the floor and wait quietly.->D3 Shower Wait On Floor]]{
(set: $D3KnockedRepeatedly to true)
(set: $MetDonna to true)
}You've //had it//. All the pent up rage bursts outwards as you continuously hit the door with your knuckles. You can almost feel your veins popping out of your skin as the rage circulates and obscures all reasoning. (if: $ERSlammedFistOnWindow is true)[This approach didn't work for you in the ER, but you're too mad to care.](else:)[You have resisted the temptation to do this before, but nothing holds you back right now.]
It certainly //seems// like nothing holds you back. That is, until you hear Donna's voice behind you.(if: $MetDonna is false)[ You remember seeing her at group just moments earlier.] "Jessica?" she says as she tries to get your attention.
[[Continue knocking and ignore her.->D3 Shower Donna Ignore]]
[[Stop and greet Donna.->D3 Shower Donna Greet]]{
(set: $AtivanCount to $AtivanCount + 1)
(set: $D2AtivanGail to true)
}You hear the clacking of Gail's shoes as she starts walking through the hallway. You stand up quickly and rush through your door, hoping to catch her right away.
You manage. By the time you leave the doorway, she stands in the hall a few steps away, waiting and watching you.
"Forgot something?" she asks.
You nod almost too eagerly. "I need some Ativan," you say.
She raises an eyebrow and displays an awkward smile. "All right," she says. "Wait for me in your room."
You walk back inside and sit on your bed. Five minutes pass with your mind in a blank headspace. Did you need the Ativan? You wonder how much of your agitation stems from the frustrating interaction with Gail.
Nonetheless, you're on the ward, and free access to Ativan is one of the many benefits you've come to expect.
Gail returns with a pill cup and a cup of water. You down the pill and the water rather quickly. "It should work for you soon," she says before she walks away. You're not sure what soon means, but you're just glad to have something.
[[Continue.->D2 Notice Pamphlet]]You press your back against the wall and slide downward until your behind touches the floor. (if: $Formed is true)[You press your legs together so that no one can see up your gown.](else:)[You cross your legs, cross your arms, and wait.]
You look at your toes ahead of you. You look up and watch Donna walk by, balancing on one leg while hobbling forward. Her eyes meet yours, and you give her an insincere smile. It's not so much that you're happy to see her - you actually don't particularly care right now - it's just a brief act of non-verbal connection. You're here. She's here. You get it.
Many moments pass, and finally the door opens. You rise to your feet to intercept the nurse on his way out.
[[Talk to the nurse.->D3 Shower Intercept Nurse]]You continue pounding on the door, and Donna's protesting grows louder.
"//Jessica?// //Jessica!//" she calls out.
Suddenly the door swings open, and you step away from it. It's Mike. "What do you want?" he says.
"I need shampoo and a towel for the shower," you respond.
His eyes narrow as he looks at you. He takes a short breath and grips the door handle tightly. Then he nods. "Just a minute," he says, and shuts the door behind him.
You glance over your shoulder and there is Donna. "Hey kiddo," she says. "That doesn't get their attention any faster. You're just making it harder on the rest of us."
The rest of us. You shrug your shoulders. "I'm just doing what I have to do."
Donna rolls her eyes and limps onward, leaving you there to wait for the shower supplies.
[[Wait for Mike.->D3 Shower Mike Get Supplies]]You stop for a moment and swivel around - your hand stays in position to keep knocking, but you mentally agree to hear Donna out first. Your eyes connect, and Donna starts to talk. (if: $MetDonna is true)["What did I tell you before?" she asks. "Don't rock the boat. They'll get to you."](else:)["Jessica, dear. Don't do this. They'll get to you."]
You take in a deep breath and exhale in a largely unsuccessful attempt to calm yourself. You try to deliver a reasoned response. "Fuck this place." It's all you can muster.
"Yes. Fuck this place." Donna nods in agreement. "Causing a ruckus will make things worse for you. It's just plain stupid."
[["How?"->D3 Shower Donna How]]
[["Stay out of it."->D3 Shower Donna Stay Out]]{
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
}"Excuse me," you say quickly as he veers to your right and heads for the hallway.
"I'm busy," he calls back. "Someone else can help you."
The door hasn't fully shut yet.
[[Put your foot in the door.->D3 Shower Foot In Door]]
[[Let it close. Someone will get to you eventually.->D3 Shower Wait Quietly]]"How?" you ask. "How will this make things worse?"
"If you think they're treating you like shit //now//, just wait and see what happens if you keep this up. Besides, //everyone// here is frustrated. We really don't want to hear it."
You bite your tongue a moment, as you're afraid you'll say something irredeemable in response. She sees your hesitancy. Words do not come out.
What do you do?
[[Knock on the door a few times defiantly.->D3 Shower Donna Defiant]]
[[Remove your hand from the door and wait.->D3 Shower Donna Stop Knocking]]Sometimes you wonder if the world isn't completely crazy. Sometimes you wonder if it's fair to call anything crazy when //you're// the crazy one. Donna's meddling doesn't endear you to her - in fact, you're not particularly endeared to anyone right now. (if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[Even Jon - your best friend - isn't someone you particularly want to hear from right now.]
"Stay out of it," you say to Donna.
She squints at you and then walks onward in the hall. "All right dear. It's your funeral." You see her limping in the distance.
[[Continue.->D3 Shower Wait Quietly]]You stare at Donna. Actually, any reasoned person would call it a glare. As you focus your rage in her direction, you slam your fist on the door.
Three. More. Times.
Donna rolls her eyes and walks onward.
[[Continue.->D3 Shower Wait Quietly]]You stop knocking, but not without cursing under your breath. Donna looks in your eyes. "Listen dear, it's going to be all right. They'll get to you." She then continues walking down the hallway, leaving you standing next to the door. Alone.
[[Continue.->D3 Shower Wait Quietly]]"Excuse me, where is the shower?" you ask - the words come out quite rapidly. Her back faces you, but she stops upon hearing your question. She slowly turns around and points down the hall.
"Walk all the way out to the window and turn left. First door on your left." The door closes almost as soon as she's done talking. You stand for a moment with your towel under your arm.
You wait a moment, and then you start walking.
[[Take a shower.->D3 Shower Go To Shower]]You don't feel much like talking to the nurses anymore - you're frustrated enough already. Besides, how hard could it be to find a shower?
You wander through the hall until you reach a window. You eye all the doors. You can tell which of them house patients, because those doors have windows in them - the bathrooms, on the other hand, fortunately do not.
You see a door at your left with a faded sign that seems to say "shower." This is the place. You knock on the door. No one answers, so you go in.
[[Take a shower.->D3 Take Shower]]{
(set: $D3KnockedRepeatedly to true)
(set: $D3FootInDoor to true)
(set: $Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
}You quickly shove your foot in the door and prevent it from closing. You open it up briefly and shout into the group of people.
"I just want a towel and shampoo. That's //all.//"
One of the nurses inside looks up. She has short red hair and wears glasses. She walks over. "Step out of the nursing station."
You continue to hold the door. "Can I just have my shower stuff?"
"//Yes,// but you can't stand there."
[[Step outside and wait.->D3 Shower Foot Wait Outside]]
[["Not until I get my towel and shampoo."->D3 Shower Foot Insist]]Bewildered, you settle down on the floor. You press your back against the wall opposite the nursing station while holding your knees up in a semi-fetal position. You wrap your arms around your knees and embrace yourself tightly.
You know that acting out won't do you any favours in the long run, but it's so hard to contain the frustration you feel in this place. The terrible feelings, and being reduced to asking for //every little thing.//
You are without power or personal agency. It feels that way, anyway, especially when you have to wait on them just to get a simple shower. At home you would've done so already. (if: $Formed is true)[Not that you //can// be home right now, since you're still on a form.]
The door opens and Mike walks out, looking down at you. "Why are you on the floor?" he asks.
"I just want a towel and shampoo," you respond.
He nods. "OK. Just wait a moment." Mike then walks back into the nursing station.
You rise to your feet, lean on the wall, and wait.
[[Wait for Mike.->D3 Shower Mike Get Supplies]]You walk down the hallway in the direction of the shower. Before you reach the window on the far end, a group of three large men wearing security outfits turn the corner and walk in your direction.
You continue walking as if nothing has happened. When they're close, you clench your fists and your stomach tightens. As they get close to you - almost within a metre - two of the men split apart and you continue walking between them.
You breathe a sigh of relief as they keep going. (if: $D3KnockedRepeatedly is true)[Thank goodness they did, too. You wonder if your little show at the nursing station alerted them. Maybe you're just being paranoid.] In reality there are many reasons they could have come up here - it's statistically unlikely that they're here to bother you.
Still, seeing them gives you the chills. It reminds you that you're being watched. (if: $Formed is true)[You look down at your gown as it swishes between your legs. Being involuntary - you hope that you won't have to deal with them.]
You turn left - following the directions - and the first door on the left is a solid door with a plastic coating. There is a faded sign on the door that says "shower." This is the spot.
[[Take a shower.->D3 Take Shower]]You step back and shut the door behind you. Hopefully it won't be long now. You turn around briefly and find Hazel standing behind you. She suppresses laughter.
"Wow," she says. She continues to hold back, though her smile betrays her.
"What?" you ask, suppressing your own annoyance.
"You've got balls. You're going to get yourself in trouble." If //Hazel// is saying that, perhaps you should pay attention.
[[Thank Hazel for the heads up.->D3 Shower Hazel Thank]]
[[Ignore it - who cares?->D3 Shower Hazel Who Cares]]"Not until I get my towel and shampoo," you say in frustrated defiance.
"Jessica, I'm only going to say this one more time. Get out!" You aren't sure how she knows your name, but you plant your feet there and stare her down.
Then someone grabs your arm from behind you, pulling you away. Your heart races as you realize what must be happening. Security is here to take you to acute. "Stop it!" you say - and yet you are pulled and dragged away from the door despite your protests. The door swings shut.
You turn around and face your assailant directly.
[[Continue.->D3 Shower Insist Hazel]]You sigh. "Really?" you ask.
Hazel nods. "Forcing your way into the nursing station is a bit nuts. If you were - like, um, Hector? - you'd be hauled to the back room." You assume that 'the back room' is slang for the acute ward. She steps closer to you and looks you directly in the eye. "You do //not// want to go there. Stop being so stupid."
You step back a little to reclaim your personal space. "Stupid?"
"//Yes.// What you're doing is incredibly stupid."
"Thanks for the tip," you respond. As much as you resent being called stupid, you do see her point.
[[Continue.->D3 Shower Hazel Get Supplies]]You shrug your shoulders. "This place is //so// frustrating," you say.
"I hear you, but //chill out.//" Her insistence is troublesome, and you don't especially appreciate being told what to do.
Perhaps it's nice that someone cares.
[[Continue.->D3 Shower Hazel Get Supplies]]Hazel stands behind you as the door opens again. The nurse carries out a few plain white towels and a styrofoam cup with an orange liquid in it.
"This is shampoo and body soap," she says. She quickly hands them over to you and, without a word, backs away and closes the door. You watch her return to the group inside the nursing station.
"I don't even know where to go," you say.
Hazel points down the hall. "Down to that window, then turn left. First door on the left."
"Thanks," you say, and you start heading in that direction.
[[Walk to the shower.->D3 Shower Go To Shower]]You see Hazel. She's the one who intervened! You heart relaxes a bit as the fear evaporates - but you flood with rage at your friend violating your boundaries.
"Hazel? What are you //doing?//"
Hazel shoots back. "What are //you// doing? You're lucky I was here to save your ass. Get ahold of yourself. You're going to get in trouble!"
[[Thank Hazel for the heads up.->D3 Shower Hazel Thank]]
[[Ignore it - who cares?->D3 Shower Hazel Who Cares]]Mike emerges holding a few towels and a styrofoam cup. When you peer inside the cup, you see an orange liquid.
"This is your shampoo and body wash." He hands the cup over and towels over. "Shower's up the hall that way. At the window, turn left. First door on the left."
You nod. "Thanks," you say. You begin your journey to the shower.
[[Walk to the shower.->D3 Shower Go To Shower]]There are patchy dark spots along the shower floor that look like mould - or residue, or something. It's a bit revolting, but you walk in anyway and shut the door behind you. Many wet, used towels line the edges and corners of the room.
The shower door doesn't seem to have a lock on it. You push against it gently and it swivels in the open direction. There is no handle on the door, and you carefully pry it as shut as it will go.
There are hooks to hang your towels on. These hooks seem to have bendable joints. You reach up and pull down on one, and with enough force it bends downward. You assume that it will still hold up your towels, as they are light.
There is a small basic plastic chair. You kick off your shoes and put them underneath the chair. (if: $Formed is true)[You gently pull off and untangle your two hospital gowns from each other and set them on the chair.](else:)[You pull off your shirt, jeans, underwear, and bra, and you set them on the chair.] This set-up is a bit nicer than other hospitals - at times you've had to wedge your clothing into the handrails at the side of the wall. Or worse, keep it all on the ground.
The floor is moist as you step into it. You push in a knob and water sprays out rather quickly and forcefully. It is lukewarm. There is no temperature adjuster - lukewarm is what you get.
You pour some shampoo onto your hand from the little cup, and when you have enough you delicately tuck the cup in a corner away from the shower's spray.
You lather and rinse your hair, and you quickly use the rest of the soap to clean your body. You don't have a washcloth or a loofah, but you do as well as you can with what you have.
Afterwards, you exit the shower and towel off. After the first towel is soaked through, you lay it on the floor so that you can stand on the soggy towel. It beats standing on mould.
Your hair remains wet and tangled because you don't have a hairbrush. You do your best to comb it through with your fingers, but in the end it's still a mess. You fumble around, hobbling on one foot to get your socks back on. You put the rest of your clothes on and walk out.
[[Leave the shower.->D3 Leave Shower]]As you walk out, Patricia turns the corner and catches your eye.
"Had a nice shower?" she asks.
[["Well, I'm clean. Sort of."->D3 Leave Shower Patricia Clean]]
[["It was disgusting."->D3 Leave Shower Patricia Disgusting]]"Well, I'm clean. Sort of."
Patricia smiles at you. "Sort of. That describes everything here. I am alive, sort of."
You respond in kind, "I am a real person. Sort of."
She then says, "Listen, lunch is coming up. Why don't we grab a seat?"
Immediately your thoughts go to Hazel - how would Hazel feel about you sitting with Patricia? Patricia notices and immediately says, "Your borderline friend has a visitor. She'll probably be eating in her room."
[["//Borderline friend?//"->D3 Lunch Patricia Borderline Friend]]
[[Ignore it.->D3 Lunch Patricia Ignore BPD Friend]]"It was disgusting," you respond. There aren't any words for how gross you feel after leaving that space.
Patricia laughs a moment. "Well, are you too disgusted to have lunch with me?"
You pause a moment. "Uh, with you?" You wonder how Hazel would feel about you spending time with Patricia, especially given their histories and dynamic.
Patricia catches this right away. "Don't worry, your borderline friend has a visitor. She'll be occupied."
[["//Borderline friend?//"->D3 Lunch Patricia Borderline Friend]]
[[Ignore it.->D3 Lunch Patricia Ignore BPD Friend]]"//Borderline friend?//" you shoot back.
"Well, yeah, that's what she is right?"
"You do //not// get to call her that. Not to me," you respond, digging your nails into the palms of your hands and trembling before her.
"Fine, geeze. Come eat with me. Better than eating alone."
[[Eat with Patricia.->D3 Lunch Eat With Patricia]]
[[Eat alone.->D3 Lunch Eat Alone]](if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[While you are on Hazel's side, it's not worth the argument - especially not right now.](else:)[You're still unsure about Hazel, though you wish Patricia wouldn't be so rude about it.] You remain silent as you both continue walking in the halls.
[[Eat with Patricia.->D3 Lunch Eat With Patricia]]
[[Eat alone.->D3 Lunch Eat Alone]]{
(set: $D3LunchWithPatricia to true)
}"I guess I'll have lunch with you," you say as you walk down the main hall that connects to the common room.
"You guess? All right, I guess I'll have lunch with you too," she responds.
The PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Lunch Announcement]]"I think I want to eat alone," you say somewhat quietly and unassured.
Patricia looks over at you. "All right. Suit yourself. Just remember - in this place, your friends are all you got."
"I'll keep that in mind." You're not sure you actually care about what she just said. Your stay here is temporary, afterall, and you can get through it on your own. You've done it before.
The PA system turns on.
[[Listen to the announcement.->D3 Lunch Announcement]]**"Attention everyone. Lunch is now being served in the common area.**"
Patricia mimicks the announcer. "Remember to wash your hands and put your tray back when you're done," she says, mockingly. You suppress laughter - you're supposed to be annoyed with Patricia.
**"Lunch is in the dining area."**
(if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[[[Walk to the dining area.->D3 Lunch Patricia Amara Comment]]](else:)[[[Walk to the dining area.->D3 Lunch Patricia Walk]]]As you walk through the hall, Patricia speaks again.
"Listen kiddo, I just wanted to say something. I don't know what beef you have with Amara-" There she goes. You don't know why she's bringing this up now. "-but you need to be nice to people in here. This isn't prison, you know?"
(if: $D2PatriciaOwnShit is true)[Her words seem distinctly hypocritical given what she said about Hector yesterday.](else:)[(if: $Formed is true)[She is barely reassuring when your stay here is involuntary.](else:)[Maybe it's not a prison in name, but sometimes it feels that way.]] Still, it's not hard to see her point about Amara. You could be spending time getting to know a fantastic person - hell you'd prefer Amara's company over Patricia - but there isn't much you can do about it.
You respond, "Don't I know it." Noncommital - there's nothing you want more than for this conversation to end.
[[Line up and grab your tray.->D3 Lunch Get Tray]]After a short wait in line, you retrieve your tray.
<hr/>**Jessica Meredith Gonzales
DOB: August 23, 1985
DIET: Standard, no known allergies
LUNCH
1 hot water
1 tea bag
1 pkt sugar
1 milkette
1 pkt pepper
1 cranberry juice
1 milk (250ml)
1 srv grilled cheese on ww bread
1 srv tomato soup
1 pkt unsalted soda crackers
1 plastic spoon
1 plastic fork
1 napkin**<hr/>
"Yes, it's the grilled cheese!" you hear a patient rave at a nearby table. You find this encouraging - perhaps today's meal won't be so bad.
(if: $D3LunchWithPatricia is true)[
You settle down at a table with Patricia. Donna joins the two of you. (if: $MetDonna is true)[Knowing Patricia and Donna's personalities, you can't help but be a little nervous - or perhaps curious and somewhat amused - at what will go down in this pairing.]
[[Start eating.->D3 Lunch Patricia]]](else:)[
You settle down at an empty table and wait for who may join you. It's not unusual for many people to eat alone - together - and you don't particularly mind doing this for one of your meals.
Surprisingly, someone who knows you sits down across from you. It's Yua!
[[Start eating.->D3 Lunch Yua]]]It's hard to walk with Patricia after her "borderline" comment. You don't like that there's a heirarchy of conditions, diagnoses, but that's reality in the psych system. There are some diagnoses that you //really// want to avoid, and BPD is one of them.
Speaking of diagnosing personalities, you can't help but wonder about your friend Patricia. Soon enough this line of thinking feels wrong, almost like you're betraying Hazel. Your prejudice on this issue is clear as day. (if: $D3LunchWithPatricia is true)[You try your best to think positively - or at least neutrally - for you did agree to eat lunch with Patricia.](else:)[Still, you'd much rather sit alone than be with Patricia.]
[[Grab your tray.->D3 Lunch Get Tray]]{
(set: $MetDonna to true)
}Patricia and Donna sit next to each other across the table from you. Patricia takes the grilled cheese in her hands and takes an enormous bite - almost eating a quarter of the sandwich in one go. As she chews the food, she releases a satisfied moan.
"Love the grilled cheese," she says, showing her partially chewed food through her teeth. Soaked particles of food escape and crumble down to her plate as she does this. Donna is noticably disgusted.
"Hospital food is never any good," Donna says. She lifts her own sandwich and takes a bite. Her eyes widen a moment. She quickly reverts to her original blank expression. After swallowing the food she quickly adds, "It's OK, but nothing special."
You proceed to bite into your sandwich. How do you feel about it?
[[It's delicious.->D3 Lunch Pat Delicious]]
[[It's kind of bland.->D3 Lunch Pat Bland]]"I'm starved," Yua says. "I slept through breakfast."
You nod. "You didn't miss much. Hard-boiled egg and soggy bread."
She laughs for a moment. "OK, but the grilled cheese here is really good."
With that you take a small bite of the grilled cheese - you've learned early on to just take small bites of things here. It's surprisingly flavourful, if not a little bit dry. "It's all right," you say.
"It's //all right// she says." Yua shakes her head as she looks over at you. "For hospital food, this is fucking //gourmet.//"
You're a bit surprised at her use of language - you didn't expect it, coming from Yua, though you're not sure why. From earlier interactions she just struck you as a quiet, unprofane type.
[[Ask about her girlfriend, Ashley.->D3 Lunch Yua Ashley]]
[[Ask her about being a lesbian.->D3 Lunch Yua Lesbian]]"How are things with Ashley?" you ask.
"She called."
You dip the corner of your sandwich into the tomato soup. "How was that?" You take a bite. The soup is rather dull - almost like canned soup, but with less salt. You look over your meal tray to see if they left a salt packet by mistake - no dice.
"She wants to go to counseling," Yua responds. "I blew it. Home life is so ... //intense.//"
[["Intense how?"->D3 Lunch Yua Intense How]]
[["What do you do for a living?"->D3 Lunch Yua Occupation]]"What's it like being a lesbian in this town?" you ask.
"I wouldn't know," she responds.
"But aren't you ...?" You aren't sure how to finish the sentence. You aren't entirely confident that your question was appropriate anymore.
"A lesbian? I'm bisexual," she responds. She pauses a moment and then adds, "Well, I'm actually biromantic. Usually I'm more into men, but I made an exception for Ash."
Biromantic? You haven't heard the term before, but you take the obvious interpretation of the word.
[["I'm glad you and Ashley have each other."->D3 Lunch Yua Have Each Other]]
[["How are things with Ashley?"->D3 Lunch Yua Ashley]]"I'm glad you and Ashley have each other," you say.
"Thanks, I guess," she responds. "It'd be nice if she was supportive."
"Yeah, that makes sense." You dip the corner of your sandwich into the tomato soup and take a bite. The soup is lukewarm at best and pretty bland - like canned soup without the salt.
[["That must be hard."->D3 Lunch Yua Must Be Hard]]
[["What do you do for a living?"->D3 Lunch Yua Occupation]]{
(set: $D3LearnedYuaMother to true)
}"Intense how?" you ask.
She shrugs her shoulders between sips of her tomato soup. "Just a lot of tension in the house. My mom moved in with us recently. She doesn't approve of us. Ash wants her gone."
"And you?" you ask.
"Me? She's //my mother.//" Yua shakes her head as she looks at her half-eaten grilled cheese. "She's all I have." Unsure of what to say, you nibble on the corner of your sandwich. Yua continues. "It's just not ideal. Bad timing, I guess."
"Bad timing?"
"Yes," she says. "She was just laid off, and we're all stuck in the house together. All the time. It's just intense."
You nod and continue to eat in silence. It's hard to know what to say when you're already struggling with your own hardships.
[[Continue.->D3 Lunch Yua Patricia Donna Fight]]"What do you do for a living?" you ask.
"Isn't that a seg?" she responds. "That's fine. I don't want to talk about it either." Yua sits quietly for a moment. Then she speaks. "I'm on disability. I thought everyone here was."
"Oh," you respond in a sort-of grunt. You strain yourself for something to say that isn't completely awkward.
[["What's your disability?"->D3 Lunch Yua What's Disability]]
[["I'm employed. Well, I was."->D3 Lunch Yua Am Employed]]"That must be hard."
"What's hard?" Yua asks.
"Having an unsupportive partner?" Yua seems a bit weary right now. You can't particularly blame her - after all, everyone here is worn down, be it from the system or their personal circumstances.
It's hard not to feel a tad trapped in time as well. Once the day-to-day monotony sets it, you have a tendency to forget how you lived before. It doesn't matter - it's irrelevant to your survival here.
"She's probably just tired. I don't know." Yua shrugs and takes another small bite of her grilled cheese. "I'm tired too."
[["Are you getting rest here?"->D3 Lunch Yua Getting Rest]]
[["How is your partner unsupportive?"->D3 Lunch Yua How Unsupportive]]"What's your disability?"
Yua looks a tad bewildered. "Um, the same as yours?"
"As mine?"
"I'm mentally ill. I thought we all were."
[["I guess I am too."->D3 Lunch Yua Am Too]]
[["I don't like to think of myself as ill."->D3 Lunch Yua Think Ill]]"I'm employed. Well, I was."
You continue taking bites out of your grilled cheese sandwich. It's an awkward silence and you're chewing the food throughout.
"What happened?" Yua asks.
[["Well, my cat..."->D3 Lunch Yua Cassandra]]
[["I've been fired. I think.->D3 Lunch Yua Fired]]"Well, my cat ... um, she died recently, and I stopped going to work." You grapple with your own intense feelings as you try to decide how much to share. The reality is that you don't like to even think about this - especially the money situation, which you know you'll have to deal with eventually.
That is, if you //do// want to live, you'll have to deal with it. Death is still an option.
"Wow. I'm sorry," Yua responds. "Listen - with work, I've done the same."
"You have?"
Yua laughs. "Oh yeah. I don't want to normalize it or anything, but if it makes you feel better? Yeah, totally."
"I'm so screwed," you say through tears.
"They might be more understanding than you think," she says. "Get your doctor to write a note, maybe?"
You laugh. You're not sure why it's so funny. Medical notes seem appropriate for missing a test at school, but this is //real life//. You always had the option to just give them a call and try to work something out. You'd rather be set on fire, but it's still an option worth considering.
[[Continue.->D3 Lunch Yua Patricia Donna Fight]]"I've been fired. I think."
"You think?"
You bite your tongue and hesitate to explain. It's still very hard to talk about Cassandra. Even with a stranger, the overwhelming guilt presses down on you and leaves you sitting in silence.
A moment later, you decide to stick to another premise. "I stopped going to work," you say. It's easier to explain what than why.
"You stopped //going?//"
"Yes." You don't say anything more as you try to gauge Yua's response. You don't want to say anything offputting, nor do you want a lecture.
"Look," she says, "I've been through this before. You need to call them. You should call them today."
You shake your head. "Not like they'll ever trust me again."
"You don't know until you try."
It's false hope of course. You've already broken their trust in you by failing to show up to work. There's no reason to expect a positive - or even neutral - response.
[[Continue.->D3 Lunch Yua Patricia Donna Fight]]"Are you getting rest here?" you ask, though it's not entirely your concern. It's hard to know what to say when you're buried so deep in your own problems.
Still, talking passes the time. She responds, "I guess the Ativan is nice." You nod, and she does the same. "There are worse places to rest," she adds.
Indeed.
[[Continue.->D3 Lunch Yua Patricia Donna Fight]]"How is your partner unsupportive?" you ask.
Yua hesitates a moment. "Well - I - she used to be more patient I guess," she says. "She wants counselling now. I might be too sick for her."
"She thinks you're too sick?"
"No - well - I don't know. I think I might be too sick to be in a relationship."
It's a realization you're all too familiar with. When you're dating, you never stop worrying about being too messed up for someone. You always put it in those harsh judgmental terms too, because the stakes are too high to be gentle with yourself.
At least, that's how it feels. All you can really do is nod and give her a gentle smile. "I've been there," you say. You're not sure if you're helping or not. You're not sure if you should be trying to help someone when you're already buried in your own mess.
[[Continue.->D3 Lunch Yua Patricia Donna Fight]]You hear two people yelling from across the room. It's Patricia and Donna.
"We're //all// here for a reason!" Patricia shouts.
Donna shouts back, "If you haven't lived through violence, through war, you don't know what trauma is." Donna breathes heavily. You hear the trays on her table rattle as she slams her fists on top of it.
Hector suddenly calls out from a different table, "Shut the //fuck// up, woman. No one cares."
You turn around after you hear a chair creak against the tiles on the floor. Donna stands, and she is walking over to Hector's table.
This could get ugly. If you act quickly, you might be able to get between them and stop them from fighting.
What will you do?
[[Try to intervene.->D3 Lunch Donna Intervene]]
[[Ignore it.->D3 Lunch Donna Ignore]]"I don't like to think of myself as ill." You never did, honestly. In fact you have felt, for a very long time, that your struggles are beyond the personal - they do not neatly fit in the illness paradigm that so many wish to position you in.
"How do you see it?" Yua asks, though her tone doesn't reflect genuine curiousity. Perhaps she's had this conversation before.
"I see myself struggling with the capitalist patriarchal establishment," you respond. It's a mouthful, and you hope that Yua understands.
She smiles slightly and says, "You know words." Heat rushes to your face. She pauses. "I think we all struggle with that, on some level. Ill or not."
You nod. "I respect that you identify that way. I just ... don't."
She gives you an assuring look.
You feel assured.
[[Continue.->D3 Lunch Yua Patricia Donna Fight]]"I guess I am too." You've hated the label much of your life, but now you begrudgingly accept that something //is// wrong - that your brain on some level is not equipped to deal with the world the same way others are.
Illness is still a difficult label. Surely no one //likes// to see themselves as ill. Acceptance, you suppose, is the most you can muster right now.
You exchange a knowing look with Yua, and in that moment you see that her struggle is much like your own. While it's chilling to consider, the psych ward feels like a meeting place for the lost - everyone assembles there when there's nowhere else to go.
[[Continue.->D3 Lunch Yua Patricia Donna Fight]]
The salt and the crunch - it's there and quite satisfying. //Especially// the crunch - hospital food is notoriously wet and soggy, and you welcome the change to something more crispy. The cheese doesn't stretch the way you'd expect in a grilled cheese sandwich, but the texture is quite nice. It's probably the best hospital meal you've ever had.
"It's //delicious,//" you say. Patricia smiles at you and nods. Donna maintains a blank expression as she stares down at her food.
Patricia says, "I wish they fed us this everyday."
"I wouldn't complain," you respond.
Donna says bitterly, "Yeah, that'd be healthy."
You and Patricia exchange a knowing look - you seem to be on the same wavelength. Donna rolls her eyes. Patricia says, "Don't worry, I'm sure we'll be back to wet and sloppy by dinnertime."
"Whatever," Donna responds.
[[Continue.->D3 Lunch Trauma Start]]While it's a little bit crispy, you still get the sense of sogginess from the breakfast toast they serve here. The sandwich itself is lukewarm - everything you eat here is lukewarm, so no surprises here. The texture of the cheese is a little off. It doesn't stretch as you'd expect. Thick and rubbery is how you'd put it.
"It's a little bland," you say.
"//Bland?//" Patricia responds. "This is //hospital food.// Your standards are way too high."
Donna looks over at Patricia. "And why //shouldn't// we expect the best? This isn't some third world country."
Patricia responds, "It's a //hospital.// If they serve gourmet food, patients would never want to leave."
"No," Donna responds. "They serve this food because it's //cheap.//"
"Whatever." Patricia goes back to focusing on her sandwich.
The resentment between the two hangs over the table. It's heavy. You try to just keep eating and ignore your own discomfort. You stay at the table out of only basic politeness, but you desperately want to leave.
[[Continue.->D3 Lunch Trauma Start]]You all eat in silence for a minute or two. You start dipping your sandwich into the tomato soup for the taste. The soup isn't the greatest - it's watery and bland, and wrecks the texture of the grilled cheese.
You push the soup away and keep eating your sandwich.
Donna then says, "It sometimes feels like I'm the only one in here with real problems."
Patricia says, "Really, Donna?" Her voice rises a tinge, indicating a subtle sarcasm that Donna isn't picking up on.
"Well, what about that kid, Amara?" she responds. "Why are //they// here? Does anyone know?"
Patricia looks up and glares at her. "That's none of your business."
"Fine," Donna responds, and then she focuses across the table at you. "What are //you// doing here?"
[[Tell her about Cassandra.->D3 Lunch Trauma Cat]]
[[Tell her you can't talk about it.->D3 lunch Trauma Can't Talk]]"My cat died and now-"
"//See?//" Donna interrupts. "This girl is here because she lost a damn cat."
Patricia buries her head into her hands for a moment. "Donna, you're really pushing it."
"Pushing what?" Donna asks.
"This is a nasty conversation," Patricia says.
[[Continue.->D3 Lunch Donna Millenials]]"I can't say," you respond, hoping that she drops it. You guessed, rightly, that Donna wouldn't respect your crisis if she knew the specifics.
"That's fine," Donna says. "I can take a guess. You're a cutter, aren't you?"
"Excuse me?" Patricia asks. You aren't sure what to say to this. You stare at Donna increduously.
"Most of the young girls are. Like that girl Hazel - she //showed me// her scars earlier today." Donna says. "Just a bunch of kids looking for attention."
"Give it a rest, Donna." Patricia becomes more and more furious as this goes on.
[[Continue.->D3 Lunch Donna Millenials]]Donna throws her sandwich back onto her plate. "Look Pat, all I'm saying is these god damn millennials have no coping skills for the real world. You can at least agree with me on that."
"We're //all// here for a reason," Patricia snaps back.
"If you haven't lived through violence, through war, you don't know what trauma is." Donna breathes heavily now, and her fists tremble with rage. She then slams one of them onto the table, and it rattles all the trays resting on top.
Hector suddenly calls out from a neighbouring table, "Shut the //fuck// up, woman. No one cares."
Donna rises from the table and starts walking over to Hector.
This could get ugly. If you act quickly, you might be able to get between them and stop them from fighting.
What will you do?
[[Try to intervene.->D3 Lunch Donna Intervene]]
[[Ignore it.->D3 Lunch Donna Ignore]]You rise from the table and your chair scrapes behind you as it drags along the floor. You dodge the tables in the room and rush over to meet Hector and Donna, who are are standing quite close and watching each other carefully.
You gesture them to stop. "Wait, wait. Hold on."
"Get out of my space," Hector says. "Don't think I won't hit you just because you're a girl."
Hector raises his hand to throw a punch in Donna's direction. You, thinking as quickly as you can, abruptly shove him from the side. He stumbles, and then he turns and looks at you.
"You want to fight? Do you?"
Donna stands away and watches the two of you. In fact, at this point the entire room has gone silent. Everyone watches as this unfolds.
Most of it happens in a blur as instinct kicks in. Your reactions are faster than you can think. You and Hector shove each other back and forth, and you percieve your centre of gravity shifting as you try to keep balance.
You don't know how long you've been fighting. You're too focused on keeping Hector away from you to care about how long it has been.
Then, suddenly you feel as though you're falling backwards. You realize that two men are holding your arms and pulling you away.
Two other security guards grab Hector.
"Take her to the back room," says a woman unseen.
[[Struggle.->D3 Security Struggle]]
[[Cooperate.->D3 Security Cooperate]]You focus entirely on your food as the scene erupts. You hear signs of a struggle between the two. You're not Hector's number one fan. (if: $MetDonna is true)[You're not crazy about Donna either](else:)[You don't really know Donna], but you're frightened for her all the same.
You take tiny bites out of your sandwich, and it takes effort to chew and swallow. You hear bare feet squeeking against the floor as they grapple each other. "You fight like a girl," Donna taunts.
"Fuck you," Hector replies.
You look up for a moment just to catch a glimpse of what's going on. It seems like no one in the room is eating - everyone is watching the fight. Hector moves to throw a punch that lands on Donna's breast. Donna walks through it unphased and shoves Hector into the table.
Before you know it, four security guards enter the room and cluster around the fight. Two for Donna, two for Hector.
"Get off of me! This is //abuse!//" Donna shouts to no avail as the two security guards drag her out of the room. No one tries to help her. Hector is removed too, but more quietly.
You look across the table at your lunch companion. She looks back at you. "They're going to the back room," she says. The acute ward. You're not sure how to respond.
The dull hum of conversation in the room does not recover from the incident, and everyone who does speak is heard across the room. It takes everything you have to choke down the rest of your lunch. Nervously you rise, deposit your tray, and head back to your room.
[[Continue.->D3 Room Hazel Knock]]"Get your hands off of me!" you shriek as they drag you out of the common room. They continue to hold on to you, and they do not speak. They're drones.
In the hallway you try to regain your footing as you struggle against them, but with each pull and kick they tighten their hold on you.
Your arms start to go numb as blood flow is constricted. And with that, you stop fighting it.
"In there," says a woman who you cannot see. A card reader beeps, and they pull you inside. You're in a dark hallway. Once you're far enough from the door, they drop you and leave.
You stand up slowly and look around. There is no light except that which peers through the doors you came in. A bit of light also spills over from the nursing station nearby.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Start]]"OK!" you shout. "OK! I'll come with you."
They stop for a moment and let you regain your footing. One of the guards tightly grasps your arm as he leads you down the hallway. You reach a double set of doors.
A female nurse stands ready to retrieve you. "In there, please." She puts her access card up to the reader and it beeps. A guard takes you in, deposits you, turns around, and leaves.
You're in a dark hallway. The only lighting comes from windows through the doors you just came through. A bit of light comes from the nursing station. You assess your surroundings.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Start]]{
(set: $Acute to true)
}The dark hallway is eerily quiet. You glance down one direction, and then down the other. You look up and see multiple cameras looking down, and each camera is protected by a pane of glass. The hallway is probably no more than 20 metres long.
The nursing station exists in the geometric centre of the wall that has the double doors. There are a few glass windows, and through it you see the nurses. They're all busy, or acting busy, at least.
A tall man with dark skin approaches you. You can't discern his hair colour with the available lighting. You step back a moment and bite your tongue. He continually mumbles as he approaches you, and you can't hear what he's mumbling about. His face becomes more visible as he finally stands before you. He has a scraggly grey-white beard.
He stretches out his hand in hopes that you will shake it.
[[Shake his hand.->D3 Acute Shake Hassun Hand]]
[[Refuse it.->D3 Acute Don't Shake Hassun Hand]]You reach your hand out and shake it. After you finish shaking it, he continues to hold on to your hand. He still mumbles, and you still can't identify what he's saying. It's just a constant stream.
He stops for a moment as if he's asking a question. Then he lets go of your hand. After a few seconds, he starts mumbling again. You still can't tell what he's trying to say.
But perhaps you've made a friend.
[[Lean on the wall next to your friend.->D3 Acute Lean Wall]]You're not in the mood for touch, especially after being handled by those security guards. He continues to mumble as he holds his hand out. The mumbling is a constant stream, and you cannot tell what he's trying to say. You actually can't tell if he's even talking to you.
You lift your hand higher and wave to him. With that, he retracts his arm and waves at you too.
Perhaps you've made a friend.
[[Lean on the wall next to your friend.->D3 Acute Lean Wall]]With little left to do, you lean against the wall and wait for whatever is going to happen. Hopefully you'll be able to explain your side of the story and get out of here soon. You wonder how everyone is doing outside.
You wonder a lot of things.
With your back pressed against the wall, your friend continues mumbling in your general direction. He makes great gestures with his arms, and he seems passionate about whatever he's trying to tell you. He also doesn't seem to notice that you don't understand him.
[[Tell him you don't understand him.->D3 Acute Hassun Don't understand]]
[[Let him be.->D3 Acute Hassun Let Him Be]]"I'm sorry buddy. It's not personal, but I don't understand what you're saying."
His face drops as he looks at you. He mumbles a bit more, continuing with his large arm gestures. You make eye contact with him and shrug. You aren't sure what else to say. It's good having company you guess.
[[Tell him your story.->D3 Acute Hassun Tell Story]]
[[Stand in silence.->D3 Acute Hassun Let Him Be]]You stand silently as you look down at your feet. You consider counting the tiles in the floor, but you're not bored enough to do that yet. In fact you're still a bit shocked at what just played out.
Your friend continues mumbling at you. You don't even try to interpret him right now - you're too exhausted. You're just glad you're not completely alone right now.
The door from the nursing station opens and you hear footsteps echoing throughout the hall.
[[Look up and see who it is.->D3 Acute Look Up]]"They brought me in here because I was in a fight," you say. Curiously, he stops mumbling while you are talking and listens intently. "I was trying to break up the fight, not join it. I hope they'll listen."
You have a dark feeling in your heart that they won't. Your friend mumbles sympathetically. You appreciate it, even with the communication barrier.
"Thanks," you say, understanding his intent. "I'm a bit scared to be honest.
He mumbles again. You appreciate the sympathy. You need it.
The door from the nursing station opens and you hear footsteps echoing throughout the hall.
[[Look up and see who it is.->D3 Acute Look Up]]"//Hassun!//" shouts the woman - the nurse. Your friend - Hassun, you guess - looks up and mumbles forcefully in the nurse's direction. "We talked about this. //Don't// bother people."
[[Speak up for him.->D3 Acute Speak Up]]
[[Leave it.->D3 Acute Leave It]]"Hey, um, he wasn't bothering me. I'm fine." She doesn't even look over at you as she talks, and Hassun walks off in the other direction. You still hear him mumbling. You can tell by his gestures that he's frustrated.
No kidding.
The nurse ignores what you just said. "Jessica. In here." She leads you down the hall to your left and opens one of the doors.
[[Repeat yourself - perhaps she didn't hear.->D3 Acute Repeat Speak Up]]
[[Go inside.->D3 Acute Enter New Room]]It doesn't seem like a worthwhile argument to have. You're not sure you can help him with anything you have to say. Regrettably, you drop the subject.
She gestures inside the room. You follow her.
[[Go inside.->D3 Acute Enter New Room]]"Excuse me. Hassun was fine. He didn't bother me."
"He's harmless. Just ignore him," she responds, clearly not listening.
There isn't much you can do to defend him, especially if no one cares what you have to say. "All right," you say, wanting this to be over.
She holds the door open and gestures inside the room.
[[Go inside.->D3 Acute Enter New Room]]You walk inside the room. On the far side is a window. Below the window is a ledge and some air vents. There is a bed in the centre of the room. You walk in and sit down on the bed. It feels very much like the one in your room.
The entire weight of the hospital rests on your shoulders as the nurse closes the door and walks inside. She frowns as she looks at you. Her expression is nothing but serious. You close your arms together and let her speak first.
"What was that all about?" the nurse asks.
[[Say that you were trying to stop the fight.->D3 Acute Nurse Trying To Stop Fight]]
[[Say that you were defending Donna.->D3 Acute Nurse Defending Donna]]
[["What was what all about?"->D3 Acute Nurse What]]"I was trying to //stop// the fight," you say.
"Nonsense. We witnessed you pushing Hector. You attacked first."
"He was //going to hurt Donna,//" you insist. The entire world feels a bit nuts right now - or at least your world does. You know little of anything beyond this room.
(if: $D3FootInDoor is true or ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6 or $D2BulliedAmara is true)[[[Continue.->D3 Acute Nurse Behaviour Comments]]](else:)[[[Continue.->D3 Acute Nurse What Happens]]]While you were trying to intervene and prevent a fight altogether, it seems unlikely that staff will believe you. Bitterly, you try to explain it in terms they might understand.
"I was defending Donna. Hector was going to hurt her."
"So your story is you pushed Hector because he was going to attack Donna?"
Your //story?// "It's not my story. It's the truth."
(if: $D3FootInDoor is true or ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6 or $D2BulliedAmara is true)[[[Continue.->D3 Acute Nurse Behaviour Comments]]](else:)[[[Continue.->D3 Acute Nurse What Happens]]]{
(set: $D3AcuteAvoidedQuestion to true)
}
"What was what all about?" you ask. It's better not to assume you know what she's talking about, even though you're positive that she refers to your fight with Hector.
"The //fight.// Why were you fighting with Hector?" she responds. Her tone grows impatient. With your suspicions confirmed, you try to decide the best way to frame this.
[[Say that you were trying to stop the fight.->D3 Acute Nurse Trying To Stop Fight]]
[[Say that you were defending Donna.->D3 Acute Nurse Defending Donna]]"We do not tolerate violence on this unit. We //never// tolerate violence here." She pauses for a moment. It appears she is thinking hard about what to say next. "I acknowledge that this behaviour is out of character for you."
"Thanks for the acknowledgement, I guess." There isn't much else to say. The room grows silent. You look up at the ceiling and see a video camera in the corner.
This room is watched 24/7. You can't stay here. At least, you can't stay here and actually feel safe.
How do you feel?
[[Angry.->D3 Acute Nurse Good Angry]]
[[Desperate.->D3 Acute Nurse Good Desperate]]
[[Accepting.->D3 Acute Nurse Good Accepting]]"Violence is never tolerated here. I mean //never.//" She has an unignorably noisy presence in the room. Your senses tune into her, seemingly disregarding your wish to be far away from here. You can't help but feel a little bit scared. Scared of what might happen to you. Scared of what you might be. But you're already a cat murderer, so what else is there?
"I have other concerns over your behaviour during this hospital stay, and I can't say I'm surprised you were fighting." Hindsight. Beautiful hindsight. You shrink a little bit in your spot. You look at her face, and then you look down again, unable to make eye contact. No one has ever told you something like this - not since grade school anyway - and you're afraid of what it might mean.
She continues, "I don't want to have a long discussion with you, but (if: $D3FootInDoor is true)[trying to break into the nursing station hasn't won you any favours.(if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[ Nor have your combative outbursts.](if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[ I also have reports that you were bullying another patient.]](else-if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[your argumentative attitude hasn't won you any favours.(if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[ Nor has the bullying other patients have reported.]](else:)[your bullying of other patients hasn't won you any favours.]"
(if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[
Bullying? You recall the situation with Amara, and you are suddenly flooded with shame. They must have told. You don't blame them - though you're surprised that this is the first you've heard of it.
]
"I guess - ummm..." You aren't exactly sure what to say. It's never comfortable to be confronted with your bad behaviour.
"I am just being honest with you," she says.
[[Acknowledge her perspective.->D3 Acute Nurse Behaviour Acknowledge]]
[[Reject her perspective->D3 Acute Nurse Behaviour Reject]]It's hard not to be a //little// resentful. In fact, you are quite resentful. They should be grateful that you tried - and failed - to intervene in a fight. After all, it's not like the hospital staff were doing anything about it. In fact, you haven't seen hospital staff do anything about Hector's bullying at all.
"You should be thanking me," you say bitterly.
"Why?" she responds.
"I was trying to stop Hector. Someone had to. Why do you guys let him run free?"
"It's not as simple as that," she responds. "People have rights. We can't just isolate someone who isn't violent."
"But he //is// violent!" Her blasé reaction makes you all the more frustrated.
"No, Jessica. //You// were the violent one, //you// made the first push. Hector hasn't attacked anyone for months."
You're astounded at what you're hearing. You wouldn't just push Hector for no reason. "You can't possibly believe-"
"Do you know how long I've worked here? I've seen this happen before, and the sooner you accept responsibility, the better it will be for you." She turns around and walks away. A few seconds later you hear a card reader beep, and then a door shutting.
You're alone again.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Nurse Alone Again]]It's hard to step back and look at how hard you've fallen. You don't honestly know what it took for you to end up here, but right now you're looking up from the bottom of everything. The way things have fallen apart is staggering.
"So that's it? I'm stuck here now?" you say.
"Think of this as an opportunity to stop and make some changes," she responds.
"Oh yeah, of course, thanks." You can't hold back your sarcasm - the idea that being here is an //opportunity// reeks of meaningless sentiment. Life isn't simply a matter of perspective. You want to argue this with her, but she isn't having it. She has already left.
You listen to her footsteps for a few seconds. Then a card reader beeps, a door shuts, and you're on your own.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Nurse Alone Again]]You take a deep breath and try your very best to be mindful. Your thoughts still twist and turn quite rapidly, but you try to imagine what it might be like if you accepted things as they are. (if: $D2RadicalAcceptance is true)[You think back to what Tara taught you about radical acceptance and try your best to embody it.
It's not easy - in fact, you remember trying to address your thinking about Cassandra this way, and you were met with limited success. Perhaps you're better having tried, though.
You try to follow all the steps to calming yourself. Breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth. And then you say out loud, "I accept that I'm here right now."
"OK," the nurse says, appearing somewhat relieved. "We'll see what Dr. Wagner says when it's time to meet him."
You nod. "OK," you say. With that, the nurse leaves. You wish you had gotten her name.
](else:)[You know, generally, that acceptance is a useful skill to practice, but it's often a struggle to even know how. Especially when your reality is so unappealing.
Still, you take the moment as it is. You breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth. Your heart races, and you hope that this exercise will help settle it.
If you're being honest with yourself, you could probably use acceptance after what happened to Cassandra. Or rather, what you did to - or didn't do for - Cassandra. It's hard to accept what leaves you feeling horrible and monstrous without making the foregone conclusion that you are, in fact, a monster. And certainly you wonder if being a monster is what brought you here - to this room.
It's hard. That's all you know. You try not to worry about why. You try to worry about what it is - a base foundation for reality without feelings or judgment.
It doesn't work as well as you'd like. The nurse stands over you and all you can say is, "Well, I guess I'm here for now."
She nods. "Yes. This would be a good time to rethink where your behaviour is taking you." What a snark! But you let it go as she walks away.
]
You hear her footsteps clack in the distance. A card reader beeps, a door shuts, and you're alone again.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Nurse Alone Again]]In stunned silence, you sit on your new bed. You can't help but feel compressed, as your freedom gets smaller and smaller. You wonder how the rest of the pack is doing - you wonder if anyone even misses you.
Absurdly, you're wondering these things //again.// It's just an added layer of isolation, proving that it's possible to drill deeper and deeper into the mud.
Is there a phone? Can you make calls? You wander out into the hallway - it's empty, it's dark. It's very dark. That makes the search far more complicated, but the space is rather small. You sweep the area in a less than a minute to confirm what you originally suspected. You can't make a phone call in here.
This makes your heart race even faster. There was a certain order to things with the minor privileges the main ward offered. At least you weren't completely cut off from the world - there was a phone - there were newspapers. Sure, you couldn't have a cell phone or laptop, but it at least felt better to be somewhat connected.
In here you're very much alone. You're more alone than any isolation you've previously inflicted on yourself. You want to call your mother. You want to call Jon. You want someone to come and help you - you want someone to rescue you from this awful place.
Instead, you walk into your room - the same room under 24 hour surveillance - and you sit on the bed.
And you stare.
And you stare some more.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Bathroom]](set: $D3FootInDoor to true)
(set: $Outbursts to 1)
(set: $MaxOutbursts to 1)
(set: $D2BulliedAmara to true)
[[D3 Acute Nurse Defending Donna]]NO NURSING STATION
(set: $Outbursts to 1)
(set: $MaxOutbursts to 1)
(set: $D2BulliedAmara to true)
[[D3 Acute Nurse Defending Donna]]Just bullying
(set: $Outbursts to 1)
(set: $MaxOutbursts to 2)
(set: $D2BulliedAmara to true)
[[D3 Acute Nurse Defending Donna]]NO BULLYING
(set: $D3FootInDoor to true)
(set: $Outbursts to 1)
(set: $MaxOutbursts to 2)
[[D3 Acute Nurse Defending Donna]]"Thanks for the honesty." You feel like you're choking the words out. How can you be grateful for that brand of honesty right now? You're full of pain. Full of shame. You want to lash out. You want to cry.
You hate this place, and you're stuck here for the time being.
You cross your arms and hold yourself tightly. Then you look up and ask, "When can I get out of here?"
She looks down, breaking eye contact with you. She looks up again moments later. "Just wait until you see your doctor. It's really up to him."
Lovely. Before you can complain, she's gone. No goodbye, no anything. Just footsteps in the hall, the beep of a card reader, and a door crashing shut.
You're all alone in here. Sort of, anyway. You look up at the ceiling, and a camera rests in the corner. You're being watched. Lovely.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Nurse Alone Again]]"I know you're just being honest with me, but I don't think you understand the pressures I deal with," you respond. It's a bit too much to swallow right now when you're at your lowest. "It's hard to be in here."
"Yes, it //is// hard, and I respect that. However, you are still responsible for your own actions."
You bite your tongue. You want to throw it back at her - it's all systemic and she is a part of that system. She's perpetuating it. Hector and Donna's aggression don't come out of thin air. The hospital has //some// responsibility for setting the conditions that make everyone fall apart.
You're not sure how to explain an idea that complex when you're barely present enough to think it. "Systems." That's all you can muster.
"Pardon me?" she responds.
You shake your head. "Nevermind."
"All right," she says. "We're going to wait until you talk to your doctor. Then he will decide what happens."
What happens? You're not sure what that means. Before you can ask, she is gone. You hear her footsteps. You hear the card reader beep.
Now you're alone. Sort of, anyway. You look up at the ceiling, and a camera rests in the corner. You're being watched. Lovely.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Nurse Alone Again]]{
(set: $Acute to false)
}You hear a knock at your door.
You're hesitant to answer. You want all stimuli to disappear. At this point, everything scares you. It's that small realization that any moment the powers that be can descend on you and you'll have absolutely no recourse.
You hear a knock at your door.
You don't particularly care who or what it is. You're stuck here blaming yourself for what just happened. If only you had stepped in to break up the fight, Donna wouldn't be in the back room.
You hear a knock at your door.
The tension swells in you as you shrink your body smaller and smaller against the backdrop of your life. You want to disappear. You want to be absorbed in the scenary.
"Jess?" It's Hazel's voice. "Jess, are you in here?" You hear footsteps. Slow footsteps. They're getting closer. "Hey, Jess!"
You open your eyes and roll over to see two people in the room. Hazel is here, along with a young man - light skin and short red hair.
You sit up. Hazel says, "I want you to meet Jay. He's my boyfriend."
Everything is foggy.
[["You have a boyfriend?"->D3 Room Hazel Boyfriend]]
[["Can you please ask before you come in?"->D3 Room Hazel Ask Before]]"You have a boyfriend?" you ask. A moment later the question feels quite thoughtless, and you wonder what it feels like to be Jay right now. You look up at the two of them.
Hazel responds, "//Yes.// He's only the best man in the entire world." She glows as she looks over at him. It's kind of adorable.
Jay then steps closer to the window. "Wow, your view is way nicer than Hazel's."
[[Say something funny.->D3 Room Hazel Funny]]
[[Say something sarcastic.->D3 Room Hazel Sarcastic]]"Can you please ask before you come in?" It seems like a reasonable request. You didn't particularly want to see anyone - especially not a stranger.
Hazel makes a face. You've seen her make that face before. She didn't like what you had to say. Jay cuts in and says, "Oh! I apologize. We can go."
Hazel responds, "Really? But-"
You cut in, "No, that's OK, I'm just having a hard time."
Jay nods. He says, "Hazel told me all about you."
"Did she?" you ask. You wonder what Hazel has said about you(if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[.](else:)[, especially after fumbling through some earlier conversations with her.] You try not to worry about it too much.
Jay then says, "But seriously, if you'd rather us leave..." His voice trails off as he waits for an answer.
[[Tell them they can stay.->D3 Room Hazel Can Stay]]
[[Ask them for some privacy.->D3 Room Hazel Privacy]]"Relax," you say. "Don't leave just yet."
Jay says, "Oh? All right then. This is a nice view you have here." He steps over to the window.
[[Say something funny.->D3 Room Hazel Funny]]
[[Say something sarcastic.->D3 Room Hazel Sarcastic]]{
(set: $D3NeedPrivacy to true)
}"I don't mean to hurt your feelings or anything, Jay. I'm sure you're lovely. I just - I need to rest." You stumble through it and hope it doesn't sound too awful.
"No sweat," Jay says. "We'll catch you later."
He walks out the door with Hazel hanging off his arm. (if: $D2SawJon is true)[You wonder how they're getting away with it, especially when simply hugging Jon got bizarre responses from the staff.] They're cute together - you'll give them that - even if they're slightly annoying.
You wonder what it must be like to have companionship like that. Especially in a time like now. You try not to lose yourself in envy, but it's hard not to wonder.
[[Rest.->D3 Room Rest]](if: $ERFormed is true)[You grasp your outer hospital gown and tightly pull it inward as if it's giving you a hug.](else:)[You cross your arms tightly, giving yourself a nice embrace.] It's hard to cope without human touch, and seeing Hazel with her boyfriend was just another reminder of something you don't have. It was an unwelcome reminder and you are still reeling from it, even minutes after she left.
You rise from your bed and walk over to the window. You observe the shadows the sun casts through each building. It's not much. You haven't been here very long, and still you tire of the monotony. You miss the world you used to live in. It feels like it was a dream.
And with that, you start to think about the world. You think about participating in it again. You imagine yourself a super-human who goes to work everyday. Someone who can be trusted with animals - indeed someone who will never ever kill a cat again.
The judgment. You're haunted by your own judgment. If you were in charge, you'd be sentenced to death. Perhaps that is a good reason you're not out in the world right now.
[[Check out the common room.->D3 Common]]
[[Wander in the halls.->D3 Wander Halls]]"Everything the light touches is my kingdom." He smiles. No one laughs. You suppose it sounded funnier in your head.
"Hazel tells me you're quite the joker," he says.
"Did she?" You look over at Hazel. She's too absorbed in her guy to care. "I try, I guess." (if: $D3BreakfastHazelGrumpy is true)[You recall Hazel chastising you for joking about the food earlier today. Perhaps it had more to do with her mood than anything you said.] You don't fancy yourself much of a comedian, if you're being honest with yourself. Especially not right now.
[[Ask about Hazel's hearing.->D3 Room Hazel Hearing]]
[[Ask about how Hazel and Jay met.->D3 Room Hazel Met Jay]]"Yeah. Come for the drugs and stay for the view."
Jay smiles as he looks over at you. "Well aren't you chipper."
You laugh. You don't know if you've actually heard anyone call you 'chipper' before, but you accept it. It's a cute word.
[[Ask about Hazel's hearing.->D3 Room Hazel Hearing]]
[[Ask about how Hazel and Jay met.->D3 Room Hazel Met Jay]]"How are things going with the hearing?" you ask.
Hazel mutters, "Um, Jay?"
Jay explains the situation. "They're allowing me to take her cellphone, but they won't give it to me until I leave. At least then I can read the texts and find out what went wrong." Though it's not your phone being handed off, the situation still gives you the chills. You wouldn't want your partner reading your text messages.
"What's the next step?" you ask.
"We're going to speak with a lawyer about how to proceed. I think that's happening tomorrow."
[["A lawyer?"->D3 Room Hazel Hearing Lawyer]]
[["I'm glad you're looking out for her."->D3 Room Hazel Praise Boyfriend]]"How did you two meet?" you ask.
"Online," Jay says as he continues to be impressed with the view.
"Did Hazel message first?"
"Of course she did." Yes. How could you doubt that Hazel made the first move? She did in your friendship as well. You smile knowingly. Hazel hangs off of his arm. Jay continues to command all of her attention.
Annoying as it is, you're glad that she likes her boyfriend. You decide to pester them more about their relationship
[["What dating site did you use?"->D3 Room Hazel Jay What Site]]
[["How long have you been together?"->D3 Room Hazel Jay How Long]]"I'm glad you're looking out for her."
Hazel laughs and then looks into his eyes. "He's quite the hero." Her words seem loaded with sarcasm, but you can't quite place her tone.
"Well, she //is// my boo." Obnoxiously cute, too.
Watching the two of them interact, you can't help but wish you had what Hazel has. She seems so at ease in his presence - she transforms into a completely different person. You try to remember that this is the first time you've seen them together. They might not be so lovey-dovey all the time.
You want it though. You want what they have very badly.
[[Continue.->D3 Room Hazel Nurse]]"A lawyer?" you ask. You still don't quite understand what the hearing entails or why it's happening. It's not something you've ever faced in your psych history.
Hazel steps forward. "My dad can't do this to me. It's not OK."
You aren't sure what to tell her, though you struggle and strain for a response. Upon reflection, you know surprisingly little about this situation, even for a psych ward bestie.
She sent a threatening message to her father, and she was blackout drunk. You're certain you haven't heard the full story.
Hazel continues to look at you as if to seek recognition or support for her position. What do you want to tell her?
[[Assure her that her dad is in the wrong.->D3 Room Hazel Hearing Dad Wrong]]
[[Assure her that she will eventually find the truth.->D3 Room Hazel Hearing Find Truth]]"Your father is absolutely in the wrong," you say. And he certainly is. Whatever Hazel did - or said - doesn't justify locking her in here. You do occasionally wonder what went down that evening that got her placed in this hospital. Contextually, the history of their relationship matters.
Hazel says, "Thanks. I just want this to be over." You sympathize - it's difficult to imagine what it's like. (if: $Formed is true)[You may be involuntary, but at least it's not indefinite. You close your gown around you and hold it tightly.](else:)[You've been on a form before, but you were always freed from it within 72 hours. Sometimes less.] A lengthier stay is unthinkable.
Jay adds, "We're common law, so I'm probably the substitute decision maker."
"Probably?" you ask.
"We'll try to sort it tomorrow," he says.
You nod, (if:$Formed is true)[and you gently tug on the strings of your gown.](else:)[and you place one of your hands in the shallow pocket of your jeans.] You're grateful for your relative privilege, and you're somewhat nervous about having to support Hazel through this. You're still working on your own issues, and you don't want to get too distracted.
[[Continue.->D3 Room Hazel Nurse]]"I'm sure you will find the truth about what happened soon." She //did// send a threat to her father, and it probably took more than that threat to get her placed here.
Her face drops a little. "The truth is that my dad is an abuser," she responds. "He's definitely taking liberty with the facts. He's a controlling shithead."
Hazel leans into Jay and he wraps his arms around her, embracing her. She sinks deeper into the embrace, and her face softens a bit. It must be nice to be touched. You'd kill for some gentle affection to help you through this nightmare.
Jay says, "We're working on making me the substitute decision maker."
Jay believes Hazel's account entirely, it seems. You wonder if he is that gullible - perhaps he's just trying to be supportive in general. You aren't sure what to say in response. "Sounds like that would help." It's all you can come up with.
[[Continue.->D3 Room Hazel Nurse]]"What dating site did you use?"
A long pause fills the room and suddenly you feel uneasy. This is the first time Hazel and Jay's expressions have changed since the interaction began. Jay projects a shaky smile as he says, "I'll tell you when you're older."
"Ah," you say, and at once your mind fills with with a number of potential guesses. It's not that you particularly care - you've //seen// the Internet, you know what's out there. Gently you giggle to yourself.
"What's so funny?" Hazel asks.
"Nothing," you respond. "I just never pegged you for the type."
Jay tilts his head. "Really? Have you //met// Hazel?"
You all laugh. It feels good to laugh about something. It eases off the weight of this place, and for a moment you don't really care where you are. Nor what you are, for that matter.
[[Continue.->D3 Room Hazel Nurse]]"How long have you been together?"
Jay answers, "A year and a bit."
You look over at Hazel, "Are you serious - you //never// mentioned a boyfriend after all we've talked about?"
(if: $D2TellRachelCat is true)[
Hazel responds, "You were busy talking about your cat! I didn't want to interrupt that with 'I have a boyfriend.' That's a bit rude, don't you know?"
The pain of losing Cassandra hits you. You once again remember what brought you here and how distraught you were. You tremble a bit as you strain for something gentle to say. "I guess that makes sense."
The room grows uncomfortably quiet. You want to say something light to make it better, but it honestly isn't coming to you. You cross your arms and hug yourself tightly.
](else:)[
Hazel responds, "Well you never asked."
You nod. "Good point. Next time I'm talking to a new friend I'll be sure to ask about the boyfriend."
"Especially if it's a guy," she says. "Straight guys love it when you assume they have boyfriends."
You laugh. It feels good to laugh. It helps you forget that you're here - and what brought you here - for a moment.
]
[[Continue.->D3 Room Hazel Nurse]]You hear a voice from outside the room. It's Mike. "Excuse me. Excuse me you two." Hazel and Jay turn around and face him. Mike continues, "You can't come in here. It's not your room."
"I don't mind," you say.
Mike responds, "It's not about your wishes, Jessica. It's the rule."
You sigh. It's never about your wishes in here. Jay says, "I'm very sorry. I didn't know this rule."
"Now you know," Mike responds unsympathetically. The two of them scurry out of the room hand in hand. They're obscenely adorable.
After they leave Mike says, "I just wanted to check in with you. (if: $D3ToldNurseSuicidal is true)[You were having thoughts of suicide earlier.](else:)[I know you've been having a rough day.] How are you now?"
[[Talk about the fight between Donna and Hector.->D3 Aft Nurse Fight]]
[[Mention the mould in the shower.->D3 Aft Nurse Mould]]
You shuffle over to the common room just to see what's happening. You see Patricia sitting with Amara. A few patients - Peter is among them - sit at the TV with Hector conspicuously absent. (if: $HectorBully is true)[You are somewhat bitter that he has claimed that spot for himself.](else:)[It's strange how all the patients have rested into their territorial heirarchies.] There isn't much you can do to change it - perhaps you need to claim a space for yourself too.
Everything feels dull and somewhat sad. Only somewhat - you cannot afford to feel too much in here. Your wandering - your observing - is just a reminder of how little control you have right now. The perpetual boredom wears on you as you try to think of something to do. Sometimes you like to do puzzles, but right now you can't focus on puzzles. You do wish you could have your phone, and you regret not sneaking it in.
You could participate socially, but it doesn't seem like an option right now. You walk back to your room. You sit at the edge of your bed and watch the wall.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Nurse Alone]]It's better to keep moving, though it's hard when there's nowhere to go. You exit your room and slowly wander through the halls. You can almost percieve the flickering of the fluorescent lights above you, and it's a constant reminder that you're not at home.
You walk up to one of the large windows and look outside. You wonder what it would take to break this window and leave. (if: $Formed is true)[You spend a lot of time thinking about how to escape the psych ward. It's better than imagining ways to kill yourself inside - though you do plenty of that too.](else:)[It seems unwise when you can sign yourself out at anytime - though you're too exhausted and can't be bothered to do that right now.]
You move on to the next window, though there is a shorter hallway to traverse at that point. You see Yua walking past. You smile at her.
"Hey," you say. "Wandering the halls?"
"Ash is visiting," she responds. "Just trying to calm my nerves."
You nod politely, though you're not polite enough to engage. You keep walking and so does she.
When you're done with this - and it doesn't take too long - you wander back to your room and sit on the edge of your bed.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Nurse Alone]]You hear a knock on the door. It's a more authoritative knock than the last one. You lean over and try to peer out at the visitor.
It's Mike, your nurse. He walks inside. "I just wanted to check in with you. (if: $D3ToldNurseSuicidal is true)[You were having thoughts of suicide earlier.](else:)[I know you've been having a rough day.] How are you now?"
[[Talk about the fight between Donna and Hector.->D3 Aft Nurse Fight]]
[[Mention the mould in the shower.->D3 Aft Nurse Mould]]You cross your arms and hold yourself tight as you start to rock back and forth. "That fight that broke out was incredibly stressful," you say.
Mike nods. "Unfortunately that can happen. We really have no control over those situations."
How do you feel about this explanation?
[[Frustrated.->D3 Aft Nurse Fight Frustrated]]
[[Understanding.->D3 Aft Nurse Fight Understanding]]"The shower is gross and mouldy," you say bitterly. You tap your shoe on the floor as you wait for him to decide how to respond.
"All right," he says. "We can get the custodian up to look at it." You can't tell if he's serious or just placating you, but you don't have your hopes up. You can just avoid showering for the rest of your time here, right? It's an option, depending on how long it will be.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Nurse Suicidal Thoughts]]You're not a fan of Mike's explanation, especially because of how frustrating it is to deal with staff. You remember being ignored back when you simply needed a towel and some shampoo - you can definitely see how the environment is aggravating what is already a difficult situation. (if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[You've snapped many times yourself.](else:)[Your patience has been tested many times since you arrived here.]
"This isn't the nicest place to be," you say. You aren't sure how to properly express your thoughts to him when you're already so mentally burdened.
"Yes, and that can make people upset." (if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[He gives you a knowing look - perhaps it was unintentional.](else:)[No kidding.] You wonder how he could say this and not see the connection.
"Yeah," you say. You fix your eyes on the floor.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Nurse Suicidal Thoughts]]As much as you want someone to blame, there's really no stopping Hector when he's enraged. Donna also seems like a rather difficult personality. (if: $D3LunchWithPatricia is true)[She was certainly frustrating at the lunch table.](else:)[It's just a hunch actually - you don't have much experience of her.] The tension in this place is just //so high.// Everyone is on edge.
"I hear that," you say. "I'm just a bit shocked. Is Donna going to be in there for long?"
"Because of confidentiality, I can't comment on the treatment plan for other patients."
You nod. You suppose that makes sense. Perhaps there's another way to find out. You consider checking the rumour mill.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Nurse Suicidal Thoughts]](if: $Opening is not true)[
{
(save-game:"A")
(set: $MoveCount to $MoveCount + 1)
}
](else:)[]Soon enough you tire of the cameras, and you wonder if there is a place you can go that doesn't have them. You step out into the dark, quiet hallway. Suddenly you hear someone calling in the distance.
**"Help! Help! Police! Help!"**
You aren't equipped to help. You're trapped in here too, and there's really nothing you can do. He continues the shouting, and it soon becomes the background noise.
You wonder where Hector is. You wonder if he's in here with you. The thought gives you chills.
In between the shouting you hear a knock at the doors down the hall. Whoever it is, they continue to knock.
[[Investigate.->D3 Acute Knock Investigate]]You approach the double doors where you hear the knocking. Through the glass on the door you see a person - Hazel - on the other end. She smiles at you, and you force a smile back.
[[Open the door.->D3 Acute Try To Open Door]]
[[Say hello through the glass.->D3 Acute Say Hello]]You push against the door. It doesn't move. You try to pry it open in your direction. It doesn't budge.
You aren't surprised. You suppose Hazel isn't here to bust you out.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Hazel Hassun]]"Hello," you say. Hazel gestures to her ears and sends you an apologetic look. It won't be easy to communicate through this barrier, but at the very least you're grateful to have some familiar company.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Hazel Hassun]]Between the shouting - the man shouting for the police - you hear someone mumbling behind you. You turn around and come face to face with Hassun.
"Hassun!" you say - happy to see another friendly face. You look at Hazel through the doors to your left, and you look at Hassun standing next to you. He gestures quite widely, though his speech is still unintelligible.
Hazel raises her index finger to gesture that she'll be gone for just once second. You nod, and she walks away, turns a corner, and disappears from existence.
It leaves you feeling quite alone.
[[Talk to Hassun.->D3 Acute Wait Talk Hassun]]
[[Wait for Hazel quietly.->D3 Acute Wait Hazel]]What do you want to tell him about?
[[Your new nurse.->D3 Acute Talk Hassun Nurse]]
[[Your friend Hazel.->D3 Acute Talk Hassun Hazel]]You look onward at Hassun, nodding as he talks. You appreciate the company even if you can't understand. You wonder how it must be for him - how it must be when no one understands. You wonder if it's the medication doing this to him and if anyone is looking into that for him.
How does he talk to the doctor? Why is he back here? Did he do something to be put here too?
That's one thing you know you have in common with him. You're both in the back room.
"This place sucks," you say.
He nods, and hums emphatically.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Hazel Returns]]"My nurse in here never told me her name. I don't know what happened to Mike."
Hassun hums inquisitively.
"Mike was my other nurse. He was OK, I guess. Not the best, but not terrible."
Hassun nods and tries to tell you about his nurse in here. His speech is still impossible to comprehend. You try to just follow his tone and respond to that. It's not exactly fair to him, but you're not sure what else to do.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Hazel Returns]]"That was Hazel," you say to him. "She's my hospital bestie." You're not sure why you called her your bestie. She did define it when you first met - but who else would come visit you in the darkest of places?
He nods and hums a few syllables.
"It's hard being so close to my friend yet unable to hear what she's saying." Hassun stands quietly and raises an eyebrow. In that moment you realize the irony. "Sorry buddy," you say.
He nods and remains silent. You wonder if he's upset. He remains standing near you, and his facial expression is unchanged. You don't quite know how to read him, which is a bit uncomfortable. You try not to //act// uncomfortable.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Hazel Returns]]Someone knocks on the window next to you. It's Hazel. She holds up a piece of scrap paper - on closer inspection, they look to be therapy handouts. Along the bottom you see the name of the publication it was photocopied from - "Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Workbook."
She holds up a pen and rests the paper against the wall. She seems to be writing something on the reverse side of the page. You can't see what she's writing from your viewing angle.
You and Hassun exchange glances. A moment later, Hazel feeds the page through the crack in the doors. You pick it up and read it.
**Hi Jess! How's it going?**
You smile. Hassun erupts in laughter. It's nice to hear him laugh.
Hazel then feeds something else through the crack of the door - more accurately she pushes it through at the intersection of the floor and the tiny space between the doors.
It's not an entire pen. An entire pen wouldn't fit. Instead it's the inner tube of a pen - the part that holds the ink. Gently you tug on it until it becomes free. Your fingers are smudged with ink now, and you hope no one asks.
How will you respond?
[[Sarcastically.->D3 Acute Hazel Sarcasm]]
[[Truthfully.->D3 Acute Hazel Truth]]You scribble down an answer, being careful not to take up too much space. You slide it back, and Hazel reads it.
**Wonderful. Love it here.**
You hear suppressed laughter on the other side. You didn't think it was //that// funny, but Hazel will laugh at anything. A few moments pass and the paper returns to you.
[[Read it.->D3 Acute Hazel Wish Here]]You take a deep breath in attempt to calm your nerves as you put pen to paper and write a response. You pass it back to Hazel.
**This place is hell. I want out.**
You lean against the wall next to the door and wait for Hazel's response.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Hazel Wish Here]]You read the new message.
**I wish you were over here. It's not the same without you.**
A single tear rolls down your cheek after reading it. You look across at Hassun. He nods. He frowns. He is present with you.
This method of communication is frustratingly slow, but you welcome any contact with the outside world. You chide yourself mentally for thinking of the psych ward as the outside world, but after being in //here// for a short time you crave any brand of pseudo-freedom.
As time passes, you grow more and more nervous that a nurse will catch you with the pen. You wonder if it's contraband. You're not actually sure it would matter if a nurse caught you with it - you're just nervous. You press your back against the door and slide down into a cross-legged sitting position.
What do you want to say to Hazel?
[["I heard you had a visitor."->D3 Acute Hazel Heard Visitor]]
[["Did you ever get your phone back?"->D3 Acute Hazel Phone]]
[["Where is Hector?"->D3 Acute Hazel Where Hector]]
[["Is Donna OK?"->D3 Acute Hazel Donna OK]]{
(set: $D3AcuteLearnedBoyfriend to true)
}Your hands are a bit shaky as they grasp the dissected pen and scratch down the message. Your index finger and thumb are quite blue. You try your best not to smudge the page with ink, though you leave half a fingerprint here and there.
You slide the paper back to Hazel and she reads it.
**I heard you had a visitor.**
In a rash attempt to normalize the situation - yes, you still want to normalize this - you offer Hazel the opportunity to tell you something about //her// life. For a while you felt like your life was a lot more stable than hers - yet the set of double doors separating you two suggests otherwise.
Hassun hums a bit. You wonder if he is speaking, but you can't exactly tell. As rude as it is, you focus most of your attention on Hazel.
She passes the paper back.
**My boyfriend Jay came to visit me. It was very nice. He got my cell phone BTW.**
She has a //boyfriend?// How did you not know this? You're glad to hear that the cellphone situation was sorted out.
[[Ask Hazel if you had any phone calls.->D3 Acute Hazel My Phone]]{
(set: $D3AcuteLearnedBoyfriend to true)
}You press the paper against the wall and write your message. Ink continues to drain out and stain your fingers as you do this, and it smudges against the page. You slide it through the doors back to Hazel.
**Did you ever get your phone back?**
You look over at Hassun and smile. He smiles back. In the corner of your eye you spy the the page peeking through the crack between the doors. You retrieve it.
**My boyfriend Jay visited. He took my phone home with him, and he'll tell me what's on it later.**
She has a boyfriend? OK - it's not that surprising. Still, you're surprised she never told you this. She seemed like the type who tells you everything. Maybe you assume too much.
[[Ask Hazel if you had any phone calls.->D3 Acute Hazel My Phone]]You hold the page up to the wall and hastily write your question to Hazel. You try not to smudge the page with ink in the process, but you also try not to worry about it too much. When you're done, you slip the page between the crack in the doors and Hazel retrieves it.
**Where is Hector?**
It's not that you particularly care about what happened to Hector. You don't care at all, in fact. You just want to know if he's in here with you, and Hazel is your only connection to the rumour mill.
You smile at Hassun, and he smiles back. He's conspicuously silent. You hear a quiet noise - the sound of a paper sliding along a surface. You retrieve it and read Hazel's response.
**Isolation, I think. No one seems to know and the nurses aren't talking.**
Your earlier thoughts - those of not caring about Hector's predicament - are crushed as you feel a touch of empathy for Hector's situation. It's not like anyone was planning for the fight to escalate as much as it did. Hector's really just a loudmouth. Mostly.
[[Ask Hazel if you had any phone calls.->D3 Acute Hazel My Phone]]You're not even sure why you're asking this. You don't particularly care about Donna - arguably she got you //into// this mess - but you did defend her from Hector. A small part of you must care about her wellbeing.
You scratch down the question while trying not to smudge any ink on the page. You then slip it through the doorway. Hazel picks it up and reads it.
**Is Donna OK?**
You rest your back against the doors as you wait for your answer. Hassun leans on the wall next to the doors. He mumbles to himself - he clearly isn't directing any of it in your direction. You wonder if he's experiencing a different reality. You desperately wish you could experience a different reality right now.
The page comes back.
**Donna is a bitch. You shouldn't have stood up for her.**
You try to decide if you're frustrated or thankful. If nothing else, you can always count on Hazel for her candor.
[[Ask Hazel if you had any phone calls.->D3 Acute Hazel My Phone]]"But I want to know about //you.//" His tone is somewhat hardened, though he may not intend it. "How are the suicidal thoughts?" Mike asks.
[["Manageable."->D3 Aft Nurse Suicidal Manageable]]
[["Frightening."->D3 Aft Nurse Suicidal Frightening]]"Manageable," you say. One word answers might be rude, but you're hardly in the mood to talk right now.
"All right. I can work with that," he says. You aren't sure why he needs to be able to work with anything, but you decide to accept his reaction as it is. He doesn't ask for further details. "Do you need anything from me?"
He's trying to exit the conversation. You aren't into the conversation either.
[[Ask for Ativan.->D3 Aft Nurse Suicidal Ativan]]
[[Dismiss him.->D3 Aft Nurse Suicidal Dismiss]]"Frightening."
As much as you'd like to give him more details, they're not really coming out. You're still in shock from what you saw during lunch. Seeing two of your peers hauled away like that - even if one of them //was// Hector - it gives you chills.
You wonder if you'll be the next one thrown in the back room.
"Frightening how?" he asks.
[["I can't explain it."->D3 Aft Nurse Can't Explain]]
[["This entire place scares me."->D3 Aft Nurse Place Scares]]
[["I want to harm myself."->D3 Aft Nurse Want Harm]]{
(set: $AtivanCount to $AtivanCount + 1)
}"Ativan?" you ask. You don't yet know how Mike feels about Ativan.
"Right," he says. "I can get you that."
A sigh of relief. You're grateful for the ativan. You badly want to escape this world.
You lie back on your bed and spy your desk on the other side of the room. The footsteps tap in the distance as Mike returns to the nursing station. While the hospital isn't delightful, there is something decidedly luxurious about a nurse bringing you anti-anxiety meds. It's like breakfast in bed, except with Ativan. What a treat.
You wonder how Hazel is doing. (if: $D3NeedPrivacy is true)[You hope she didn't mind that you needed privacy. As much as you wanted to meet her boyfriend, the events at lunch have sapped you of much energy. Perhaps you'll touch base later.](else:)[Her boyfriend seems nice. It's too bad that Mike rudely shooed them out of here. You preferred their company.]
Mike returns with an Ativan in a pill cup and a small styrofoam cup of water. You swallow the pill, and Mike is gone before you can pass him the cup back.
You stand up and shuffle over to the desk. You set down the cups. It's handy to have spares.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Phone Call]]"I'm good," you say, quite shortly. Though you could ask for Ativan - in fact you can make a //very// good case for Ativan right now - you don't want to be pegged a drug seeker. (if: $AtivanCount > 2)[You've already had quite a few since you got here.](else-if: $AtivanCount > 1)[You've asked for it a couple times already, and it seems best to slow down.](else-if: $AtivanCount is 1)[You'd also rather not use it unless you really need it.](else:)[Besides, you're not really into Ativan.]
Mike nods. "All right Jessica. I'm glad we could check in." He smiles, though it appears forced. Performative, even. Perhaps you're just projecting. You don't actually know what's going on in his head.
"Come get me if you need anything," he says as he walks out.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Phone Call]]"I can't explain it," you say. The facts are elusive. What you've witnessed here already has been traumatic enough, but until now you operated under the illusion that you had some control. Seeing Hector and Donna hauled away busts that illusion, and it's a discomfort you cannot shake.
Perhaps it was necessary to stop the fight. Perhaps this place isn't as bad as it seems. But are they //both// in the back room - together? What would that solve?
"Well if you can explain later, you know how to find me. You're safe right now, right?"
You shrug your shoulders. "Sure, I guess."
He then asks, "Do you need anything else from me?"
[[Ask for Ativan.->D3 Aft Nurse Suicidal Ativan]]
[[Dismiss him.->D3 Aft Nurse Suicidal Dismiss]]"This entire place scares me," you say. "I don't know how anyone heals in here."
Mike nods. "Well, Jessica, there's a reason hospitals are only a last resort. If you can manage your symptoms in the community then I would agree - that's best." He then adds, (if: $Formed is true)["Now, you //are// on a form, which means you have to stay here for now."
"Don't remind me," you say.
](else:)["You do have voluntary status right now, but I highly encourage you to stay."
"Even if it traumatizes me?" you ask.
"Is there a more helpful way you can relate to your experiences here?" he asks in a response.
You shrug your shoulders.
]
Mike speaks again. "In any case, I encourage you to adjust to things for the time being. The hospital is what you make of it."
"Thanks," you mutter. It's all nonsense, but what can you do?
He then asks, "Do you need anything from me?"
[[Ask for Ativan.->D3 Aft Nurse Suicidal Ativan]]
[[Dismiss him.->D3 Aft Nurse Suicidal Dismiss]]"I want to harm myself."
Even though you're already here and your reasons for being here are known to staff(if: $GTalkedAboutCat is not true)[ - mostly, anyway -](else:)[,] you still get the chills from talking about it. You're afraid of losing your rights and your freedom. You're afraid of losing everything.
Somehow you don't have that fear when you think about death.
"Do you think you'll try to hurt yourself in the hospital?" Mike asks.
You've been asked this before, and in reality you don't actually know. Much like the uncertainty around what this hospital is capable of, you're also not sure of what //you're// capable of. Does merely wanting turn quickly to action? You hope not, but you don't actually know.
Still, you don't want to risk the back room, and you're quite firm in that. "No," you say. "I will not harm myself in here."
"Great!" he responds with an artificial cheeriness. You don't particularly care how great he thinks it is. "Do you need anything from me?"
[[Ask for Ativan.->D3 Aft Nurse Suicidal Ativan]]
[[Dismiss him.->D3 Aft Nurse Suicidal Dismiss]]Suddenly you're taken by a thought - the cold and hardened realization that Jon may be calling and you'd never actually know. (if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[Given how your visit went, you wonder how hard he'll try to reach you.](else-if: $D2SawJon is true)[The anxiety rages on, and you feel like you're missing out on your entire life.](else:)[The fact that you could be missing him //again// deeply pains you.] You desperately need to get out of here. (if: $Formed is true)[If you weren't already on a form, you'd take this opportunity to leave.](else:)[Surely they can't keep you here if you're not on a form.]
You press the page against the wall and write your question down. You pass it through the doors to Hazel, where she retrieves it and reads it.
**Has Jon called?**
There is no need to ask about anyone else. Jon is the only one who would call. (if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[Although the chances of him calling are quite minimal.]
The paper returns.
**You did get a call. Don't know who it was from.**
Your heart sinks as you hear this news. It's great that someone - Jon - cares enough to call, but you're increasingly pained by how small and isolated your world has become.
You wonder if you'll ever leave this place.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Hazel Interrupted]]There's another knock on the door. What now?
You glance over at the doorway and see Patricia. "What's up?" you ask.
Patricia says, "You have a phone call."
It must be Jon. You spring to your feet and exit the room. You follow Patricia down the hallway. When you reach the common area, you see Amara in the corner with someone else. A black woman with long curly hair. Curiously, Amara is talking and quite engaged with this person. You wonder who she is.
(if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[
You miss Amara. They were a nice presence, and you deeply regret your actions at lunch the other day.
]
When you reach the phone, you see it left off the hook and resting on a table. You sit down and pick it up. "Hello?" you say.
"Hey Jess." It's Jon. (if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[You wonder what he wants.]
(if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[[[Talk to Jon.->D3 Phone Jon Bad Visit]]](else-if: $D2SawJon is true)[[[Talk to Jon.->D3 Phone Jon Saw Before]]](else:)[[[Talk to Jon.->D3 Phone Jon Missed Visit]]]
"Oh. Hey Jon." Your tone is dull. You can't muster any excitement for him right now.
"Hi. I just wanted to see how you're doing."
"I'm fine," you say. You're not actually fine - you're just not convinced he cares. Nor are you convinced that he wants to hear it.
"OK," he says, and then you both sit on the phone in silence. It's an awkward few minutes, occasionally interrupted by Jon's ums and ahs. You're frustrated, truthfully, and you can't hide it from him. The frustration increases the burden of your anxiety, as you're trapped in that unstable space between action and inaction.
You hear a sniffle over the phone. Is he crying? Do you care? Surely he senses your strong feelings too.
[[Ask him why he can't visit you.->D3 Phone Jon Bad Why Can't Visit]]
[[Ask him why he really called.->D3 Phone Jon Bad Why Called]]"Hi Jon!" you say quickly, relieved to hear his voice.
"Hey," he says. "It was nice seeing you yesterday." You're grateful for his visit the other day. Truly grateful. The cloud of loneliness fades a bit as you settle into the phone conversation.
"Yes. You too. Thank you for coming."
"What's new over there?" he asks.
[[Tell him about the fight.->D3 Phone Jon Tell Fight]]
[[Tell him about your shower.->D3 Phone Jon Tell Shower]]"I'm so sorry I missed you yesterday," you say. The relentless depression you felt after missing his visit has numbed out a bit, but you still feel the painful loneliness.
"It's not your fault," he says. "Your nurse didn't want to wake you up."
"I was devastated when she got me up for dinner," you respond.
"Wait - she woke you up for dinner, but not for a visitor?"
"It's because she's a bitch," you respond. You don't normally like using that word, but right now you're too frustrated to care.
Jon says, "Well, what else is new?"
[[Tell him about the fight.->D3 Phone Jon Tell Fight]]
[[Tell him about your shower.->D3 Phone Jon Tell Shower]]"There was a fight," you say. "Two people got dragged off to the back room."
"The back room?" Jon asks.
You nod, though he can't see it. "It's what people are calling the acute ward."
"There is an acute ward?"
"//Yes,//" you say. Jon's naivety can be frustrating at times, though it's not his fault he hasn't been on the psychiatric tour in this city. "Sorry, yes."
"That sounds terrifying."
[["It happens."->D3 Phone Jon It Happens]]
[["It is terrifying."->D3 Phone Jon Is Terrifying]]"I took a shower," you say.
"That's great," he responds. His cheerfulness would be obnoxious if it came from any other friend, but you know that he respects your struggle.
"The shower wasn't so great though," you say.
"Why not?" he asks.
[["The room was full of mould."->D3 Phone Jon Mould]]
[["It took forever to get supplies."->D3 Phone Jon Took Forever]]"Jon, I really need to know. Why can't you visit me?" You've held off on asking this in part because you're afraid of the answer. As if the truth is something you can simply put away and ignore. Still, an unstable friendship is not what you need right now. Perhaps there is a way to sort it out.
"Look Jess, I'm sorry." You curl the phone cord around your index finger as you listen to him. His response doesn't tell you much, unless it matters to you how sorry he is.
[["If you're so sorry then why can't you visit?"->D3 Phone Jon Bad Sorry]]
[["This makes me really sad."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Really Sad]]"Why did you really call?" you ask.
You hear a sigh over the phone ending with a few crackles as he exhales into the phone's speaker. "Jess," he says, and pauses a moment. Actually, he pauses a bit longer than a moment. You aren't impressed.
You say, "Are you just calling to assuage your guilt, or did you actually want to talk to me?"
Silence on the line. You still hear some background noise on his end of the call - obviously he's still there.
[["It isn't easy being in here."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Not Easy]]
[["I guess it's good you called."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Good Called]]"It isn't easy being in here," you say as your own tears fall. You're glad he can't see you crying.
"I know, Jess. I'm sorry," he responds.
Sorry? Can sorry really help in this situation? It doesn't make you any less lonely. It doesn't make you any less alone. "Why are you sorry?" you ask.
"Maybe I shouldn't have called," he responds.
You're torn. No matter what you say, you're pushing him away. Now he's thinking about not even calling, which is devastating. Why is he doing this to you? What does he hope to accomplish?
[["Thanks for calling."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Thanks Calling]]
[["Maybe you shouldn't have called."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Shouldn't Have Called]]
"I guess it's good you called," you say with a surprisingly noncommittal tone.
You wonder why it would //ever// be a bad thing that your friend called you while you're in the hospital, but there's really no other way to look at it. You're not happy to hear from him, but perhaps it's for the best that he called.
[["Thanks for calling."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Thanks Calling]]
[["Maybe you shouldn't have called."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Shouldn't Have Called]]
"Thanks for calling," you say with as much sincerity as you muster.
Jon stutters a bit, clearly uncertain of how to proceed. Should he say goodbye and hang up? You remain quiet. You're not helping much either, but it's not your job to be helpful.
"Jess, are we OK?" he asks.
[["We'll be fine."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Will Be Fine]]
[["I don't know."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Don't Know]]"Maybe you shouldn't have called." It comes out with so much finality, as if you're bidding farewell to the friendship.
"Are we OK?" Jon asks.
You bite your tongue. Something's telling you to be careful about what you say next.
[["We'll be fine."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Will Be Fine]]
[["I don't know."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Don't Know]]"We'll be fine," you say. You'd prefer not to sabotage your relationship in the moment, even though it basically feels like it's over. Is this how a friendship dies?
You glance around the room as you listen to silence on the other end. Jon is barely responding. Your heart sinks. Why doesn't he reassure you? Why is he leaving that entirely to you? You look down and see that your hand is shaking. Everything is shaking while you sit passively on the phone waiting for a response.
Finally he says something. "I'm glad you think so."
You bite your tongue. Can't he say something more reassuring than this? You let one word escape. "I..." and you trail off into silence. You don't know what you wanted to say. You just want this moment to end. "Thank you for calling," you say.
"You're welcome," he responds. What he's not saying hurts a lot more. Can't he reassure you just once?
"Goodbye," you tell him. You can't bear this anymore - it needs to be over.
"Goodbye," he says back to you. You hang up the receiver.
You're grateful that it's over. He probably is too.
[[Continue.->D3 Post Phone]]"I don't know."
Is this how a friendship dies? You pinch your skin as you listen for any feedback. You're not pleased with things. You're not convinced he cares either. You continue to pinch yourself to remain in the moment.
"Maybe I should go," he says.
"OK," you respond. "Goodbye."
"Goodbye."
It clicks, and it's over. You hang up the phone and look around the room. Everyone remains perfectly busy while your own world is falling apart.
[[Continue.->D3 Post Phone]]You leave the common room. You feel useless as a friend. Absolutely useless. You don't know how to deal with this either but being in the hospital right now just exacerbates the issue further. You can't do relationship maintenance. You can't go visit. You honestly aren't sure you can call him - yes, there is a phone, but will he even pick up?
You walk inside your room and pace back and forth. How can the world expect you to continue when you have no one you can count on? Except the nurses, you suppose, but with them it's always a short-term deal. The care is artificial at best.
The pain is indescribable. You want to hit something - you want to scream. You leap onto your bed and scream into the pillow. You scream until your throat is sore.
[[Continue.->D3 Room Doctor]]"It happens," you say. At first you wanted to talk about it, but now you don't want to deal with his reactions. You're on the ward. Sometimes people fight. There isn't much else to say.
"It must be hard to be so close to that," he says. He's trying to empathize.
"You remember what it's like in school, right? On the playground?"
"Sure," he says.
You want to say something eloquent, but you're trapped in your thoughts. You want to compare the two environments - both institutional settings - and the social hierarchies they tend to breed. It really isn't that Donna and Hector are violent per se - the setting itself played a role in creating that violent situation. If you had the capacity to get philosophical, you would. Right now you can't. "I just have to roll with it," you say.
"I understand," he responds. You're not so sure that he does.
[[Continue.->D3 Phone Jon SomethingElse]]"It is terrifying," you say. As you say it, you're brought back to the horror in the moment when the fight broke out. It happened so fast that you barely saw it coming. You thought to intervene, but that would have been crazy. Right?
You wonder if you could have prevented that outcome. "I wanted to try to stop them, but it happened so fast," you say.
Jon responds, "It's probably best that you didn't." Of course he's saying that. He wasn't there - he doesn't know the situation.
You could have stopped it, but instead you sat there and let it happen.
[[Continue.->D3 Phone Jon SomethingElse]]"The room was full of mould."
You hear him gasp. "What? Mould? In a //hospital?//" His shock validates your feelings about it, but you can't afford to react as strongly to it when you're in the midst.
"I deal with it," you say. "I don't have a choice. I could just not shower."
"I wouldn't blame you," he responds. It does help to have a sympathetic voice on the other end. Jon can be really good for that.
[[Continue.->D3 Phone Jon SomethingElse]]"It took forever to get supplies."
He pauses a moment - perhaps he doesn't understand. "Pardon?" he asks.
You say, "A towel and shampoo. I didn't walk in here with anything to clean myself with. It took forever to get my nurse to give me anything." You have difficulty conveying the frustration you felt in that situation. At the time you were very hot with rage.
"But then he did, right?" He //doesn't// understand, but you're not sure what you could expect.
"Yes," you say.
"I'm glad you could grab a shower in there." It feels like you're speaking to a robot sometimes. What reason does he have to feel glad? It's sort of like saying that he's glad they're feeding you. How wonderful it is that you're getting the bare minimum of care.
You take a deep breath and try to exhale your frustration. Your friend took time out of his day to call. That's a good thing.
[[Continue.->D3 Phone Jon SomethingElse]]"If you're so sorry then why can't you visit?" It feels like you're repeating yourself. It's still hard to accept the basic fact that you won't have any visitors, and it's harder to accept that Jon has made such a choice.
"I know this is hard," he says. "There's a lot going on right now."
"Like //what?//" You're not extremely sympathetic to his situation. Afterall, you're the one in crisis.
"Jess, please." He won't even explain. He wants you to exercise restraint, but he won't even explain his situation.
It's hard to sit where you are and accept this. It's very hard. As time moves on, you come closer and closer to saying something you regret. Perhaps it's time to end the conversation.
[["Thanks for calling."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Thanks Calling]]
[["Maybe you shouldn't have called."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Shouldn't Have Called]]For once, you're glad that you're in a hospital. You can't imagine surviving this situation on the outside. "This makes me really sad," you say.
"I'm sorry Jess," he says. "I promise I'm not doing this to hurt you. I'm not in the best headspace either."
You want to respond with something vile and hateful. You want to point out that //you're// the one in here - that he can't possibly understand what you're going through and the pressure you're under.
You try as hard as you can, but ultimately you can't see things from his point of view. This is a good time to discontinue the call.
[["Thanks for calling."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Thanks Calling]]
[["Maybe you shouldn't have called."->D3 Phone Jon Bad Shouldn't Have Called]]There is a lull in the conversation. You both sit on the line, expecting the other to fill the silence. It's not happening. You try to think of something to ask him.
(if: $D2SawJon is true)[[["Do you think you can visit me again?"->D3 Phone Jon Visit Again]]](else:)[[["Do you think you can come visit?->D3 Phone Jon Visit Again]]]
[["I feel like coming here was a mistake."->D3 Phone Jon Mistake]]
[["I think I made the right choice in coming here."->D3 Phone Jon Right Choice]]{
(set: $D3JonSaysCannotVisit to true)
}You take a deep breath. (if: $D2SawJon is true)["Do you think you can visit me again?"](else:)["Do you think you can come visit?"] It's a scary question to ask. You don't want it to seem like you're pressuring him, but you're also a bit desperate on your end of things. Desperate for companionship. Sure, Hazel is nice to have around, but it's not the same as seeing someone from the outside.
"Honestly, it might be hard," he says. "My work schedule is really tight and I have a huge deadline at the end of the week."
[["OK."->D3 Phone Jon Can't Visit OK]]
[["I really wish you would come."->D3 Phone Jon Can't Visit Wish]]
"I feel like coming here was a mistake," you say. You sink deeper into you chair and hold the receiver tightly as you wait for a response. It's hard to look at this hospital trip with any positivity. The big question is whether you can survive outside or not. You're not so sure you can.
Does the hospital make it any better though? Is the hospital actually safer? After watching that fight break out, you're not entirely sure. It's not so much that you worry someone will try to hurt you. You don't think you would pick a fight with anyone(if: $D3FootInDoor is true)[ - though you were a little reckless when you broke into the nursing station.](else:)[.]
"I'm sorry to hear that," Jon says. It's fluff, but you can't expect too much. What is he supposed to say?
[[End the phonecall.->D3 Phone Jon End Call]]You don't like stressing over what to say, and you decide to fill the silence with your current thought. "I think I made the right choice in coming here."
"Really?" Jon asks. "You don't seem too happy there."
He doesn't get it. "It's not about being happy here. I need help surviving. At least they're watching me." It feels strange to submit yourself to an institution like this. (if: $Formed is true)[Especially when you knew you'd get formed.](else:)[You're here voluntarily, but they watch you all the same.] How strange it is to take that step against your own freedom.
You only hope that it does more good than harm.
He says, "I'm glad you're taking care of yourself." It's probably the best response you could have hoped for.
[[End the phonecall.->D3 Phone Jon End Call]]"I should let you go," you say - feeling as though you've dragged this out long enough. "Thank you for calling." You truly appreciate it. You don't always know what to tell him, but it's still nice to hear from him.
"No problem," he says. "Will you be OK?"
"Yeah," you say reflexively. You don't know if it's true, but you've said enough already.
"OK. Bye for now," he responds.
"Bye."
You hang up the phone and look around the room. Everyone goes about their business without a care. You hope to find something that will engage your attention for a bit.
You look at the puzzles in the corner. You glance over the patients in the room for familiar faces.(if: $D2Coloured is true)[ Perhaps you should ask Patricia and Amara to colour with you again - (if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[that is, if Amara will ever talk to you again.](else:)[that is, if you can handle Patricia right now.]]
You try to suppress the strong feelings and embrace what is helpful in the moment.
In the end - finding nothing of immediate interest - you return to your room. You pace back and forth a bit - mostly to kill time and keep moving. When you're tired, you rest on the bed and lean against the wall.
[[Continue.->D3 Room Doctor]]"OK," you say. It's very difficult to be mature about this, but in reality what other choice do you have? Any other approach would drive him away, and you need him right now.
But you still wish he would come.
"Thanks for understanding," he says - seemingly taking liberties with your short response. You gladly allow it. It's the most you could have managed right now.
[[End the phonecall.->D3 Phone Jon End Call]]"I really wish you would come," you say flatly. It's hard to express any hope when you're so alone.
"I'm trying," he responds. (if: $D2SawJon is true)["I did come yesterday."](else:)["I'm sorry I missed you yesterday, but it's really not my fault."]
"I know," you say quietly. No matter how much support someone gives you in this space, it's never enough. Nothing can make this better, but you still wish he would try. Whether that's fair or not is hard to assess right now.
[[End the phonecall.->D3 Phone Jon End Call]]Another knock at the door. You sure are popular at this time of day.
"Yes?" you call out to whomever.
A familiar male voice responds. "Hi, Jessica. It's just Dr. Wagner. Can I come in?"
"Sure," you respond.
He walks inside and pulls the desk chair out. He lowers himself on to the chair. You sit upright with your back against the wall. The cool grounding sensation softens your anxiety a bit.
Psychiatrists are always a tad intimidating.
[[Continue.->D3 Wagner How Are You]]"How are you today?" he asks. It's a simple enough opening, and perhaps a natural place to start given that he's a psychiatrist.
It occurs to you that this may be a trick question, but you try to expect the best. In the past you've found that feeling better often prompts an early release - the system by its nature has to decide who's safe enough to send out into the cold, because there isn't enough space for us all. You laugh gently to yourself, because you'd have thought it would be the other way around. Lying to salvage your freedom makes more sense to you.
(if: $D3ToldNurseSuicidal is true)[[[Tell him you feel OK.->D3 Wagner OK Lied]]](else:)[[[Tell him you feel OK.->D3 Wagner OK Truth]]]
[[Tell him you've been feeling rotten.->D3 Wagner Feel Rotten]]"I feel OK," you say. You don't particularly want to talk about your feelings anyway, regardless of the consequences.
Dr. Wagner lifts an eyebrow. "You do?" he asks. Then he quickly flips through the pages on his clipboard. "Mike told me that you were suicidal earlier in the day, and you were thinking of harming yourself in the hospital."
You bite down on your tongue to avoid saying something you'll regret. It's always embarrassing to be caught in a lie by your psychiatrist - despite the fact that people lie to psychiatrists all the time. "Well, yeah, a bit," you say. "I'm fine now though."
Dr. Wagner studies your gaze for a moment as he decides how to record this.
(if: $Formed is true)[[[Listen to his response.->D3 Wagner Lied On Form]]](else:)[[[Listen to his response.->D3 Wagner Lied Voluntary]]]"I feel OK - I guess," you respond. There is that level of uncertainty - even if you are OK-ish you never know what you're supposed to say when in a hospital. It feels as though you're straddling many worlds. On one end you try to ensure that you're in a safe space. On the other hand, you can't be //too// sick, because there are consequences to that as well.
Dr. Wagner nods and responds, "All right. I'm glad to hear that you're feeling OK today." He flips through the pages a bit.
(if: $Formed is true)[[[Sit quietly.->D3 Wagner OK Remove Form Query]]](else:)[[[Sit quietly.->D3 Wagner Passes]]]"Honestly I'm feeling pretty rotten," you say. "I wish I could say today is better than yesterday, but I honestly don't know."
He nods. "You're here. I don't expect you'd be on top of the world or anything."
You nod back. He flips through some of his papers before speaking again.
(if: $Formed is not true)[[[Listen quietly.->D3 Wagner Rotten Put On Form Query]]](else:)[[[Listen quietly.->D3 Wagner Keep Form Rotten]]]"Is it that you want me to cancel the form?" he asks.
You recoil a bit. In some ways the form is protecting your existence, but it's not necessarily what you want for yourself. Still, you're trapped between two extremes. You want protection, and you want freedom. The only thing you're sure of is that you don't fully trust yourself.
You ask, "If you remove the form, will I be kicked out of here?" You fiddle with the strings hanging off of your gown.
"No," he responds. "I think it would be beneficial to stay, and whether that's on a form or not - I'll leave it up to you."
You almost break out in laughter. It feels like you're in such a bizarre world right now - to be asked if you want to be voluntary or not. What a decision to be presented with.
[[Stay on the form.->D3 Wagner Keep Form]]
[[Become a voluntary patient.->D3 Wagner Become Voluntary]]After a moment, Dr. Wagner speaks. "I understand that you're a voluntary patient right now. Are you concerned about that?"
"Pardon?" you ask. It's hard to say what he means.
"You told Mike that you were thinking of harming yourself in the hospital," he says. "That's quite serious, in my view. The thing I'm on the fence about is whether to place you on a form or keep you voluntary."
It sounds like he is presenting you with a choice. What do you want to do?
[[Ask to remain voluntary.->D3 Wagner Stay Voluntary]]
[[Ask to be made an involuntary patient.->D3 Wagner Become Involuntary]]You bite your tongue and hold yourself close. You suppose that it's safer to remain on the form. The thought of being voluntary //is// tempting, though. You crave freedom. Even an off-ward pass would be wonderful at this point. It's hard being locked inside here all the time.
You close your eyes and imagine the smell of the outside air.
You open your eyes and look at Dr. Wagner, studying the wrinkles on his face. "I..." you start, but you have trouble finishing the sentence. You don't know how to word this. You don't know how to ask for something you desperately don't want.
He fills in the blanks for you. "I think I'll leave the form as it is."
You nod. You regret not speaking soon enough to change his mind, but you don't trust yourself right now. You don't exactly trust the system either, but what else can you do?
Dr. Wagner writes something on his notepad before continuing.
[[Continue.->D3 Wagner Medication Check]]{
(set: $D3StopForm to true)
}"I would like to be a voluntary patient, if that's OK." You feel silly as you request this - as though you're asking to be freed if he might be so benevolent. However, you know that some perks come with being voluntary - including getting passes to leave the ward - and that's a very attractive prospect.
"OK," he says. "I'll put that through."
[[Continue.->D3 Wagner Passes]]"Are you serious?"
"Jessica-"
"This is no different from giving me //zero// passes." It's degrading. You, a grown adult, have to lower yourself to asking a friend to play babysitter if you want to breathe the outside air. You can't imagine asking Jon.
"If that's how you want to look at it, fine." Dr. Wagner seems completely unaffected by your protests, and that fact increases your frustration. He scribbles down a few things - you can only imagine what he's writing about you. Passive aggressive patient notes. "Can we move on?" he asks.
"Fine," you respond. It continues to spin in your head, but you try your best to let it go.
[[Continue.->D3 Wagner Medication Check]]"I understand," you say. You're not actually sure you understand this at all. It would be more accurate to say that you accept it.
"Thank you for understanding," Dr. Wagner responds.
"Anytime," you say bitterly. You yearn to be outside, but you're not sure you can get a friend in to help you with that. The idea of asking a friend to babysit you doesn't appeal to you either.
You won't be going outside anytime soon. What a pain.
[[Continue.->D3 Wagner Medication Check]]"I would really prefer to remain voluntary, to be honest," you respond. You haven't tried to leave the hospital so far, and you don't expect you will. You're so tired right now that you know you'll go along with whatever they decide.
"OK," he says. "Is there any specific reason for your choice?"
"Passes," you respond. The one thing you miss more than anything else is the outside air. You want to breathe again.
[[Continue.->D3 Wagner Passes]]{
(set: $D3StartForm to true)
(set: $DayFormIsUp to 6)
}You know yourself, and right now you know you can't trust yourself. The anxious energy surges at the suggestion of being formed - the thought of no longer being free to end your life terrifies you. Still, the absurdity of this situation is not lost on you.
You suppose it's nice that he's offering you a choice.
And on that note, you know that for now it's better if you don't leave. While it seems easy enough to just not leave, you're not sure you can trust your future whims. "I need to stay," you respond.
"So I should put you on a form?" Dr. Wagner asks.
You nod slowly. It's a difficult thing to ask for. You don't want to ask for it. You won't be able to change your mind later. You've now committed to staying here at least 72 more hours.
He scribbles a few things on his notepad. "OK. That's what I'm going to do."
"OK," you respond. There isn't much to say.
[[Continue.->D3 Wagner Medication Check]]"Do you think the medication is helping?" he asks. After assessing your general wellbeing earlier, it seems like quite a silly question. How would you know if it's helping or not?
"I think it hasn't been long enough," you say. You honestly don't have any information to go on.
Dr. Wagner scribbles a few things down. "Maybe I'll bump it up to thirty tonight."
"Thirty?" you ask.
"Milligrams," he responds.
On the outside it would take a month to get this kind of dosage adjustment - most psychiatrists will see you once per month. The once a day pace is a difficult adjustment. Soon enough you'll run out of ways to tell him that you're depressed.
"Anything else?" he asks.
You try to think of what you might ask him, but you come up blank. "I'm good," you say.
"Great!" he responds with a constrained enthusiasm. He stands up at once and walks out of your room. You're alone again.
[[Lie down.->D3 Aft Lie Down]]"The thing I'm trying to work out, Jessica, is whether or not I should keep you on a form." He watches your eyes as he says this - you return a fairly blank, unchanged look.
"You're trying to decide?" you ask.
He nods. "If you're doing well today, then ideally we can remove the form and grant you some privileges."
You wince as he uses the word 'privileges' - as though you're a child who must politely ask for permission to go play outside. You don't understand how the staff could see it as anything but demeaning and offensive. Your voice is shaky as you respond. "What privileges are you thinking?"
"I was thinking we could start with a thirty minute pass on hospital grounds and see how that goes," he responds. Your heart races. You could go outside. You desperately want to go outside after being cooped up for a couple days. "I need to know something first - are you safe enough to remove the form?"
It sounds like he will go with whatever you decide. You can't help but find this situation a little bit funny. If you get to decide, then aren't you voluntary already?
[[Stay on the form.->D3 Wagner Keep Form]]
[[Become a voluntary patient.->D3 Wagner Become Voluntary]]"You're a voluntary patient right now. The question I have is, does this need to change?"
"What do you mean?" you respond. It's always chilling when your voluntary status is questioned.
"I don't expect you to be doing //well// in here, (if: $D3ToldNurseSuicidal is true)[but thinking about killing yourself in the hospital is another matter entirely." You almost laugh out loud as he says it. You're so used to professionals //underreacting// that you hardly ever expect the appropriate reaction anymore.](else:)[but I also don't quite know what rotten means." You tilt your head as you look at him. You're not exactly sure what sort of detail he needs, but you certainly //feel// like you've given him enough information.] "Do you feel safe in the hospital?" he asks.
"I'm not sure what you mean by that," you respond.
"What I'm asking - to be blunt - is whether I should continue your voluntary status."
This could be a trick question. He may already know his decision, and the question may be redundant. It may be an attempt to seek reassurance or to placate his own guilt. Or perhaps he really //is// leaving it up to you.
What is your preference?
[[Ask to remain voluntary.->D3 Wagner Stay Voluntary]]
[[Ask to be placed on a form.->D3 Wagner Become Involuntary]]"I'm thinking of giving you accompanied passes." Passes. Privileges to exit the ward for a brief amount of time. You want this.
"Accompanied?" you ask.
"Yes. You can go off-ward if you're with someone who'll keep an eye on you."
"Anyone?" You try to come up with possible visitors, but you're really only coming up with Jon. Your family doesn't live in the area.
"Well, a friend or family member ideally," he responds.
(if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[
"What if I don't have any friends or family?" you ask. While you hope that Jon is still your friend, right now he's AWOL.
](else:)[
"What if I don't have any visitors?" you ask. You can't count on Jon to come visit.(if: $D2SawJon is true)[ He already came out once.](else:)[ He already tried once, even though you missed him.]]
"Listen. I know that it's frustrating to be stuck here, but there is a process I must adhere to."
[[Complain.->D3 Wagner Become Voluntary Complain]]
[[Accept it.->D3 Wagner Become Voluntary Accept]]"So you're not feeling too different from when you came in?" Dr. Wagner asks. It sounds like he's already decided the answer, and you have no real reason to argue that point.
You nod. It's hard to say out loud that you have no love for your freedom. It was hard enough in the ER - crossing that boundary from outpatient to in. If he has already decided what to do, why say more? You may as well go with the flow of things.
"In that case, I think I'll keep you on the form," he says.
You nod. "OK," you squeek out. You don't know what you mean by that, but he seemed to be waiting for your acknowledgement.
He shuffles the papers again. You're tempted to take a peek at your chart, but you're afraid of what you'll see if you do.
[[Continue.->D3 Wagner Medication Check]]You lie back on your bed and close your eyes. The hospital is awfully quiet right now, and you take in the peaceful and tranquil atmosphere.
(if: $D3StartForm is true)[[[Enjoy the quiet.->D3 Aft Start Form]]](else-if: $D3StopForm is true)[[[Enjoy the quiet.->D3 Aft Stop Form]]](else:)[[[Enjoy the quiet.->D3 Aft No Form Change]]]You hear a distinctive clacking echo in the hallway. A nurse - or a doctor - or //someone// is walking your way. You hastily pass the paper back to Hazel, and you hold the pen-contraption in your hand.
Your fingers are blue with ink. You mentally prepare to answer questions about it.
What will you do with the pen?
[[Pass it back to Hazel.->D3 Acute Pass Pen Back]]
[[Hide it in a pocket.->D3 Acute Pocket Pen]]You try to push the pen through the crack between the doors and it doesn't budge. Perhaps if you had the time to do this carefully, you could manage. Right now, you hands tremble, and you worry that continuing this will snap the pen in two and send ink in all directions.
Your heart races. You can't afford to be caught with it. Not right now.
[[Hide it behind you and hope the nurse doesn't see it.->D3 Acute Pen Behind]]
[[Pocket it. It might be useful.->D3 Acute Pocket Pen]](if: $Formed is true)[Thinking as quickly as you can, you stuff the pen in the front pocket of your hospital gown. A smudge of blue ink appears right above the pocket, and you hope it goes unnoticed much like the ink on your hands.](else:)[You quickly reach behind you and stuff the disembodied pen into your back pocket. You have to press it into the pocket at an angle, and even then a small piece sticks out. It's good enough for now, and all you can hope is that no one looks at your behind.]
When the nurse arrives - the same nurse from before - she looks down at you and eyes you with what you can only assume is suspicion. "Why are you on the floor?" she asks. Her tone is angry and short.
You look up at her. She looks back at you. A few moments pass, and she heaves a sigh and walks in the other direction.
[[Stand up.->D3 Acute Stand Up]]{
(set: $D3LeftPenOnFloor to true)
}You slide the pen behind you so that it's obscured by your body, and you remain sitting as the nurse approaches you. It's the same woman as before - why isn't Mike here? There isn't much time to wonder.
"Why are you on the floor?" she asks with a mannerless tone.
[["I just am."->D3 Acute Pen Just Am]]
[[Sit and stare back at her.->D3 Acute Stare Back]]"I just am." Your response is short. You don't need to justify yourself to her.
She shakes her head and walks down the hall in the opposite direction. You're not even worth a moment of her time.
[[Stand up.->D3 Acute Stand Up]]You look up and study her face. She maintains a serious expression as she looks around. Your hairs stand on end as you lean backwards a bit, hoping to further obscure the pen.
"All right then, suit yourself." She turns around and walks to the other end of the hallway.
[[Stand up.->D3 Acute Stand Up]]The shouting from the man who wants you to call the police continues, and you start to feel like you would if you could. You're not a huge fan of this place either, but you just don't see what shouting could hope to accomplish. Perhaps you need to be here longer to understand.
In fact, that same nurse bangs on one of the doors. "//Jordan!//" she shouts - it seems like she is never in a good mood - "Quiet! You're disturbing the other patients." This doesn't stop the shouting, but the nurse walks back over to the nursing station as if she's accomplished something. Card reader beeps, and she leaves this world behind.
(if: $D3LeftPenOnFloor is true)[
With the nurse gone, you turn around and pick up the pen. You gently tuck it into your pocket before returning to your new room.
]
[[Return to your room.->D3 Acute Return Room]]As you approach the door, you see a tall, heavy, white man with a scruffy beard stand off to the side. He faces the wall perpendicular to your door. His mouth falls agape and he has a fixed expression. You hear your friend Hassun mumble to himself in the distance.
[[Say hello.->D3 Acute Say Hello 2]]
[[Enter your room.->D3 Acute Enter Room]]You walk inside the room. You walk the length of your room and gaze out the window. The sun is now on the other side of the building. You observe the shadow the hospital casts out onto the city streets. Below you can see people - tiny, tiny people - as they go about their lives.
You turn around and look up at the camera in the top corner of your room, just above the door. It has a red LED indicator. It's watching - and possibly recording - everything.
Nonetheless, you lie back on your bed and resolve not to worry about it. Time passes. You don't know how much because there aren't any clocks. Your best estimate is that it's mid-afternoon. You'll know for sure by dinner time.
The shouting in the other room remains, albeit muffled.
The discomfort comes on gradually as you lie there, and soon you feel an urgency from your bladder.
Now you have to find a //bathroom// in this place. Hopefully one without piss on the seat.
[[Search for bathroom.->D3 Acute Look For Bathroom]]"Hello," you say. He doesn't respond. He stares at the wall as if no one is there. The only movement you perceive is him shifting his centre of balance from one leg to the other.
He does not make eye contact. He stares straight ahead. Perhaps now isn't the best time.
[[Go inside your room.->D3 Acute Enter Room]]Hassun approaches you as you exit the room. He waves hello. Perhaps he knows where the bathroom is.
[[Ask him where the bathroom is.->D3 Acute Ask Bathroom]]
[[Smile, wave back, and keep looking.->D3 Acute Wave Back]]"Hey, Hassun?" you ask.
His mumbles turn to silence and he nods at you.
"Do you know where the bathroom is?"
He nods and shuffles his way over. As he passes, he gestures you to follow. You move with him slowly through the dark hallway. He knocks on a door to your right - this door is close to the double doors on the other end of the hall. You take a moment to peer through the windows on those doors and spot a few recognizable faces moving to and from their rooms.
Everything seems so normal out there, and you yearn to be among them.
Hassun speaks a few hums and points to the door. You force a smile. "Thank you," you say. You're grateful honestly, but it's hard to express joy and gratitude in this depressing space.
[[Go inside.->D3 Acute Enter Bathroom]]You smile at Hassun. It's a forced smile. You can't summon a lot of enthusiasm at this moment in time. You also try to remain focused on the task at hand - you have to find somewhere to pee.
You walk past Hassun and give him a gentle wave to indicate that you're on a mission. You consider asking him for help, but you don't want to bother him. If you're being honest with yourself, you don't feel much like talking at all.
You turn left and walk in the direction of the double doors opposite to where you conversed with Hazel. You feel the pen in your (if: $Formed is true)[gown pocket](else:)[back pocket] as a reminder that certain events have happened - namely the visit with Hazel. It's so easy to lose track of things in here.
Eventually you find a door that doesn't look like the door to a patient room or utility closet. You knock on it first, and you wait a moment - no one answers.
[[Enter the room.->D3 Acute Enter Bathroom]]You reach inside along the tattered wall and find a light switch, which you set to the on-position. A fluorescent light above flickers until it settles. You walk inside and close the door behind you.
It doesn't have a lock, but you weren't expecting one. Not in here. You approach the sink and look at your distorted reflection in the mirror - it's not mirror glass, but rather a shiny reflective metal that presumably doesn't shatter on impact. There's a dent just off the centre. Someone tried to break it anyway.
The toilet seat isn't as filthy as you expected it to be. In fact, the entire room is fairly clean aside from lengths of toilet paper on the floor near the walls.
All seems in order.
You stare at the door nervously while you pee. You're too far away to hold the door shut - not that you could hold it shut. There is no handle to hold on to.
[[Wash up.->D3 Acute Bathroom Wash Up]]You turn on the water at the sink. It doesn't turn on like a regular tap - you have to push down on it to get a spray. You fight with this for about half a minute.
When you're done you look up at yourself in the mirror. You can barely recognize the person staring back at you. She looks exhausted. Worn out. Finished. It's hard not to internalize it. You step back a couple feet, and suddenly the door swings open.
You turn around and look at three different nurses looking in. You don't recognize any of them. Wait - Mike is with them. You make eye contact with him.
You're so preoccupied with recognizing the people who walked in on you that you've barely processed the violation of your privacy.
[["What the //fuck?//"->D3 Acute Bathroom WTF]]
[["Maybe try knocking?"->D3 Acute Bathroom Knocking]]
[[Stare at them in silence.->D3 Acute Bathroom Silence]]"What the //fuck?//" you shriek. You're grateful that you aren't peeing right this second. Obviously it could have been a lot worse. Still, you have never before felt this naked while fully dressed.
The woman in the front says, "He's not in here. Let's go." They turn around and walk away. Mike glances at you once more before he follows them. You make eye contact for a split second, and you use that second to fire him the dirtiest of looks.
Mike abandoned you and now he betrayed you. You're positive he won't even speak up and tell them this was wrong.
It doesn't matter. It happened, and it's over. With all the anxious energy you have, you carry yourself back into your room.
(if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[[[Return to your room.->D3 Acute Rage]]](else:)[[[Return to your room.->D3 Acute Rage Choice]]]You watch them with your mouth agape. You narrow your eyes and widen them repeatedly because it seems like that's the only muscle that's still working. The moment leaves you frozen in space and time.
You lose track of how long you've been watching them. The woman at the front says, "He's not here." With that, they all turn around and leave.
You catch Mike's eye as he glances at you before leaving. You want to glare - you want to say something horrible to him. You let him go. It's not because you actively chose to let him go. You just don't know what else to do.
As disgraceful as that was, at least you're not the man they're looking for. Still, you don't understand why they couldn't have just knocked.
How hard is it to knock?
Your energy bubbles to the surface in a rage, and you return to your room to contain it.
(if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[[[Return to your room.->D3 Acute Rage]]](else:)[[[Return to your room.->D3 Acute Rage Choice]]]"Maybe try knocking?" you ask.
"We did knock," she responds. A strange response indeed, because you did not hear a knock. Could you have spaced out long enough not to hear a knock? You doubt it, but her response is enough to make you doubt yourself. "He's not in here," she says to the other nurses, and everyone joins rank and walks away.
You catch Mike's eye and fire him the dirtiest of looks. He glances at you a few times as he walks off.
Mike abandoned you. He didn't stand up for you when you were hauled into this space. What good is he? Part of you wants to chase after him and demand an explanation.
Instead you take your anxious energy and carry it back into your room.
(if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[[[Return to your room.->D3 Acute Rage]]](else:)[[[Return to your room.->D3 Acute Rage Choice]]]You enter your room and pull the door shut. You want to slam it, but it seems quite heavy as it swivels on its hinges. A large window in the door denies you privacy, but as you glance at the camera above, it was all pseudo privacy anyway.
You wonder how much noise you need to make to get noticed in here. Judging by Police Man, quite a bit. He's still going on, shouting for the police, and no one has made an honest attempt to calm him. No one seems to care or take much notice. It's a holding pen.
Quietly venting your anxious energy isn't an option. What do you want to do?
[[Scream into a pillow.->D3 Acute Scream Pillow]]
[[Just scream in general.->D3 Acute Scream General]]
[[Punch the wall repeatedly.->D3 Acute Punch Wall]]
[[Toss your bed.->D3 Acute Toss Bed]]{
(set: $D3Acute1 to true)
}You dive onto the mattress and stuff your face into the pillow. You let out a horrible howl as your face connects with the fabric, and a muffled scream projects into the room. Pausing briefly for air, you scream again and again. As you scream, you repeatedly kick your feet against the mattress.
You lose track of time, but your throat is becoming noticably sore.
It's not enough to calm you. Nothing is enough to calm you right now. You rise from the bed and pace for a moment with clenched fists.
(if: $D3Acute1 is not true)[
[[Scream into a pillow.->D3 Acute Scream Pillow]]](if: $D3Acute2 is not true)[
[[Just scream in general.->D3 Acute Scream General]]](if: $D3Acute3 is not true)[
[[Punch the wall repeatedly.->D3 Acute Punch Wall]]](if: $D3Acute4 is not true)[
[[Toss your bed.->D3 Acute Toss Bed]]](if: $D3Acute1 is true and $D3Acute2 is true and $D3Acute3 is true and $D3Acute4 is true)[
[[Lie down on your mattress.->D3 Acute Lie On Mattress]]]{
(set: $D3Acute2 to true)
}**"Fuck this place!"** you express in a bloodcurtling scream. **"Fuck this fucking place!"**
You try to pull yourself into a more perceptive state. You try to be mindful. You even try to acknowledge the all or nothing thinking - is this hospital //really// all bad? - but your attempts to moderate these feelings leave you with a sense of dissatisfaction. **"Fuck!"** you shout again. You shout it a few times more.
You look over at the door. You walk up to it and peer out the window. A large white man - the one you saw before - remains standing and staring, though his position is different. He stares down the hallway to the left. Unphased, maybe.
No one comes to check on you.
Your head is still spinning, and the fury continues.
(if: $D3Acute1 is not true)[
[[Scream into a pillow.->D3 Acute Scream Pillow]]](if: $D3Acute2 is not true)[
[[Just scream in general.->D3 Acute Scream General]]](if: $D3Acute3 is not true)[
[[Punch the wall repeatedly.->D3 Acute Punch Wall]]](if: $D3Acute4 is not true)[
[[Toss your bed.->D3 Acute Toss Bed]]](if: $D3Acute1 is true and $D3Acute2 is true and $D3Acute3 is true and $D3Acute4 is true)[
[[Lie down on your mattress.->D3 Acute Lie On Mattress]]]{
(set: $D3Acute3 to true)
}You throw yourself against the wall and slam your fists on it one after another. You hear a satisfying echo as each fist connects with the wall, although aside from a dent, you barely leave a scratch on the wall.
Your body still surges with rage - the outburst does nothing to soothe you.
(if: $D3Acute1 is not true)[
[[Scream into a pillow.->D3 Acute Scream Pillow]]](if: $D3Acute2 is not true)[
[[Just scream in general.->D3 Acute Scream General]]](if: $D3Acute3 is not true)[
[[Punch the wall repeatedly.->D3 Acute Punch Wall]]](if: $D3Acute4 is not true)[
[[Toss your bed.->D3 Acute Toss Bed]]](if: $D3Acute1 is true and $D3Acute2 is true and $D3Acute3 is true and $D3Acute4 is true)[
[[Lie down on your mattress.->D3 Acute Lie On Mattress]]]{
(set: $D3Acute4 to true)
}You pace back and forth along the length of your bed, periodically flailing your arms and swinging at the air. Your bed is nicely made and undisturbed aside from a few wrinkles in the top blanket - probably from you lying on it.
You reach down, grab the top blanket, and in one quick move you yank it off. It comes off with very little restistance - some at the bottom end of the bed where it is tucked away. You then take the blanket and swing it into the wall. It slaps against the wall and falls to the ground.
You do the same to the top sheet, which is tucked a bit further in. Without too much trouble you free it. The bottom sheet takes a bit more effort, as it's tucked in on every corner. You pull it really hard and it snaps back like a rubber band. The mattress with plastic coating is now exposed.
You drop to your knees at the side of the bed and scream into the mattress again. And again. And eventually you lift the pillow - still on the mattress - and swing it at the mattress with as much force as you can muster. You hear a satisfying //slap// as it collides, and you do this again a few times.
Finally, you whip the pillow into the mattress one last time. You stand up and pace the room once again.
(if: $D3Acute1 is not true)[
[[Scream into a pillow.->D3 Acute Scream Pillow]]](if: $D3Acute2 is not true)[
[[Just scream in general.->D3 Acute Scream General]]](if: $D3Acute3 is not true)[
[[Punch the wall repeatedly.->D3 Acute Punch Wall]]](if: $D3Acute4 is not true)[
[[Toss your bed.->D3 Acute Toss Bed]]](if: $D3Acute1 is true and $D3Acute2 is true and $D3Acute3 is true and $D3Acute4 is true)[
[[Lie down on your mattress.->D3 Acute Lie On Mattress]]]You throw yourself onto your bare mattress and pound your fists against it repeatedly until your arms wear done and give way. You grasp the corners of the mattress on either end and close your fist around them. The corners of the mattress bend inward as you try to pull your arms together.
Eventually you have to stop. The outburst is finished. You have no energy to continue, and it feels like you've been //on// ever since you arrived here.
You stretch your arms and legs out and bury your face into the pillow. The darkness in this place is getting old, but you find it comforting to close your eyes anyway. Maybe if you take a nap, you can dream of a better place.
After a while you start to fade. Even Police Man can't keep you awake.
You hear a voice at your door. "Hi Jessica." You turn around, look up, and see Dr. Wagner standing in your room. "I'd ask how you're doing, but I think I can guess." He looks at your stripped bedding.
Incompetence! Since when should a psychiatrist be //guessing// what your mood is?
[["Guess away."->D3 Acute Wagner Guess Away]]
[["I feel like nothing."->D3 Acute Wagner Nothing]]You don't remember being this frustrated //ever// during your prior psych experiences. You know that hospitals aren't easy. You know this isn't supposed to be a pleasant place. But still, it's a place of //healing.// How can you heal when you're surrounded by constant boundary violations?
You don't understand. You don't understand any of it.
How angry are you?
[[You are uncomfortably angry.->D3 Acute Uncomfortable]]
[[Your rage could tear this room apart.->D3 Acute Rage]]You walk into your room and pull the door shut. You'd rather not be disturbed right now - you aren't sure what you can really say to anyone. The anger you feel - it isn't just righteous anger. It's an unpredictable mix of rage and terror. Decision making is impossible in this state. You may as well flip a coin. The only thing that makes sense is isolating yourself.
There is a knock at your door. You suppress the temptation to tell whomever to blow off as you approach the window. You see the face staring through it. It's Hassun.
[[Invite him in.->D3 Acute Invite Hassun]]
[[Not in the mood.->D3 Acute Not In Mood]]"Come in," you say to him. He smiles and takes small steps as he walks in. You look down and see his socks. Standard hospital issue. You wonder where they put his shoes. (if: $Formed is true)[You got to keep yours afterall, even though you're on a form.](else:)[Maybe they take them away when people are formed - seems a bit cruel and dehumanizing, but you wouldn't be surprised.]
"How are you doing?" you ask him. He holds up a crumpled sheet of paper and gestures for a pen. You reach into your pocket to retrieve it, and you pass it over to him.
He sits cross legged on the floor in front of your bed. You join him by sitting next to him. He finishes writing and holds the paper up so you can see.
**They won't fix my medication or return my privileges.**
His handwriting is shaky. How do you respond?
[["What's wrong with your medication?"->D3 Acute Hassun Wrong]]
[["What privileges do you want?"->D3 Acute Hassun Privileges]]It's hard to speak right now. You frown at him through the glass and give him your most apologetic look. You struggle to form words right now.
He seems to understand, though he appears a bit distraught himself. Your eyes connect for a moment and you feel the displaced energies. It's powerful in a way you couldn't really describe, but you try to remain firm in your decision as you turn around and walk away.
In the corner of your eye, near the side of the bed you see things written on the wall.
[[Inspect the wall.->D3 Acute Inspect Wall]]You kneel down on the side of the bed - just near the headboard - and look closely at the writing. Some of it is in ink, some in pencil, and some of it is scratched in directly. You wonder for a moment how anyone got a pen in here - then you remember the pen occupying (if: $Formed is not true)[your back pocket.](else:)[the pocket of your hospital gown.] It was easy enough for you to get one in here.
Your imagination is taken by all the smuggled goods that must end up back here. You wonder how often they search people. You wonder how often they tear rooms apart looking for drugs.
You wonder. And with that you read some of the messages.
//Let me out//
//You can do it <3 Stay strong!//
//This place is hell//
//I want to die//
//Kill me//
Some people have written their phone numbers. Others have written email addresses. It reflects the loneliness back at you - that hope for human connection in the darkest of places. You can't exactly blame them. You also desperately hope to find some meaning in your experience here. Hopefully it isn't for nothing.
For a moment you feel compelled to write your own message on the wall. The camera behind you gives you second thoughts, but you can't imagine they'll storm the room over this.
You can't imagine them giving a shit at all, but you are still nervous.
[[Don't do it - it's too risky.->D3 Acute Wall Don't Write]]
[[Write your email address.->D3 Acute Wall Write Email]]
[[Write an uplifting message.->D3 Acute Wall Write Uplifting]]
[[Write how you're feeling right now.->D3 Acute Wall Write Feelings]]You're nervous. It's hard not to be a little nervous when they could be watching at any time. You glance back at the camera again and again. After a few minutes, you lift yourself off the ground and start pacing the room again.
All you can do in here is pace. The passage of time is painfully slow. You walk up to your window and look out again. You wonder what people would think if they knew people were literally held captive in here. You want to scream it out the window, but it's not the kind of window that opens.
Do regular people ever wonder what happens in places like this? Do they ever seriously wonder?
Your thoughts then wander to the other patients. You wonder what their lives are like on the outside. You wonder about Hector, especially. Where does he live? //How// does he live? You hope he doesn't have someone to abuse at home. Maybe he doesn't have a home? You'll probably never know. It probably doesn't matter.
It's hard not to wonder about Donna too. (if: $D3LunchWithPatricia is true)[You think about the lunch you had with her. You think about how stubborn she is.](else-if: $MetDonna is true)[You have limited experience of her. She seemed like a stubborn spirit. No wonder she was starting fights. She can't handle being wrong.](else:)[You wonder why you jumped in at her defense. You don't know her at all. It doesn't make sense.] Still, you wonder if she is OK.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner]]If there is one thing you desperately want more than anything else, it's human connection. You glance back at the window. Hassun has left. You regret sending him away, but you're doing the best you can.
It's hard enough to respond to your own needs in here, as your ability to make your own decisions is limited and gone. Still, writing on this wall is one way to express your autonomy. It's one way to reach out and connect. It's a subversive act in this sad and lonely space.
You take a deep breath and look once more at the camera behind you. Whether it's recording or not doesn't really matter. You're basically identifying yourself anyway. Hopefully no one cares.
You lean in and write down your email address. As you do this, you pay special attention to legibility and letter spacing. You know how easy it would be to get this wrong.
After you finish, you lean back and read over the entire wall again. You wonder if you should write down the other emails people put up.
Instead you try to memorize a few, though your brain isn't working so well.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner]]You try your best to think of something optimistic. When that doesn't work, you try to imagine what you would say if you were optimistic. It's hard, and you're definitely not alone in this. A quick glance at the wall reveals very few positive messages. Probably every positive person was just grasping at straws.
Isn't that an uplifting thought?
You analyze the wall and find a small space for your message. You take one final glance at the camera behind you. Do you really care if the camera is recording your act of vandalism? You decide that you don't. You then start writing.
//Your humanity is intact - no matter what they say - no matter what they do.//
It was the most you could come up with. You can't pretend to be happy, and you can't pretend to have hope. You can't pretend that any of this is right. But if there is one thing you can hold on to - one thing they can't take away - it's your humanity.
You feel a little bit better. Just a little bit.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner]]You try to imagine the best possible message you could leave, and you settle on recording your feelings about being trapped here against your will. While leaving an uplifting message of hope feels like a nice gesture, you struggle to imagine people empathizing with or even understanding your position.
Who is happy to be stuck here? Who finds hope in such a dismal place?
You take a deep breath and glance at the camera behind you one more time before you write your message.
//This place makes everything worse, and I want to go HOME.//
You return the pen to your pocket, rise, and sit on the side of your bed. You stare out the window. There isn't much else to do.
You //do// want to go home. You've had enough of this place.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner]]A loud knock at the door startles you, and you turn around to face the person who just came in. It's Dr. Wagner. "Hi there," he says as he walks in. You really wish they would ask before coming in.
"How are you right now?" he asks.
[["Doesn't anyone here knock?"->D3 Acute Wagner Knock]]
[["Fine."->D3 Acute Wagner Fine]]
[["Rotten."->D3 Acute Wagner Rotten]]"Doesn't anyone here knock?" You try not to sound //too// grumpy, but it's hard not to hate this place a little bit when people keep violating your privacy. You want to push back. You want to say something worse, though the words do not come.
"I believe I just did," he responds frankly.
Technically he's right. You wait a moment to collect yourself before speaking again. Having knocked doesn't absolve him of walking in without your consent. "I have no privacy in here," you say.
"The cameras are for your own safety," he responds. You're not sure what his point is - you didn't even mention the cameras. "Can we continue?" he asks.
"Fine," you respond. You don't have it in you to argue this.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner How]]"Fine," you say. You're not actually fine, but you don't want him to know the depths of your pain. You don't suppose that will get you out of here any faster.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner How]]"Rotten," you respond.
He nods. "Yes, I can see that." You wonder how he can tell. It doesn't really matter. With all the false empathy in this place, you seriously wonder if sincerity is a lost art.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner How]]"Guess away," you respond. You aren't extremely interested in Dr. Wagner right now. He walked into your room without asking, and you reward him with the minimum required attention.
"I think you should know that no one will clean up after you. You'll have to put your bed back together yourself."
You don't know why, but this makes you even angrier. "Whatever," you respond bitterly. Whatever indeed.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner How]]"I feel like nothing," you respond.
"This mess doesn't look like nothing to me."
You gradually sit up and look him in the eye. You shrug your shoulders. You're uncommitted to speech at this moment in time. There is probably no hope in getting Dr. Wagner to release you from here. Not after this outburst, anyway.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner How]]"Do you want to tell me how you ended up here?" he asks.
You watch his eyes. You wonder if he might be sympathetic to your story. How do you want to frame this?
[[You were defending Donna from Hector.->D3 Acute Wagner Defending Donna]]
[[You were trying to stop the fight and instead were dragged into it.->D3 Acute Wagner Try Stop Fight]]"Hector was going to hurt Donna if I didn't stop him," you say. It sounds crazy even as you say it, but it's the truth. You meet his eyes, look at the floor, then make eye contact again. It's difficult to face him.
"Staff reports that you attacked Hector first," he says.
"I know it looks that way," you respond. "He was going to attack her. Was I supposed to do //nothing?//" The world seems pretty crazy right about now. You know in your heart that you didn't do anything wrong.
"You have to see where I'm coming from," he says. You cross your arms and hold yourself tightly. It doesn't effectively soothe you, but you're not sure what would.
It seems like things aren't going to go your way. The devastation sets in. "You want to keep me in here, don't you?" you ask - trying not to cry.
Dr. Wagner frowns and looks at the floor for a moment. "Listen..."
[[Listen.->D3 Acute Wagner Listen]]"I didn't start the fight," you say. "I was trying to prevent a fight."
"Staff witnessed you attacking Hector," he responds. He crosses his arms holding your chart in one hand and a pen in the other. "Can you explain that?"
You pause. No matter how you explain it, you know how bad it sounds. The truth isn't always flattering, even if you truly believe you did nothing wrong. "Hector was about to hit Donna. I reacted and stopped him," you respond.
He nods and exhales deeply. "You know how bad this looks."
You nod. "That hasn't escaped me."
Then he says, "Listen..."
[[Listen.->D3 Acute Wagner Listen]]"What's wrong with your medication?" you ask.
In response he holds up his hand so that you can see the tremors. Your eyes widen for a moment as you wonder what that must be like, but you resume a neutral face soon after. He steadies his hand enough to write again.
**Shakes. I also can't talk.**
So that //is// medication related. You wondered about that earlier. "Why aren't they helping you with that?"
He writes another line directly below.
**They don't care. You're the first person to talk to me. Thank you.**
[["They're terrible in here."->D3 Acute Hassun Terrible]]
[["Is the medication helping otherwise?"->D3 Acute Hassun Med Helping]]
"What privileges do you want?" you ask. You sure would love to have your privileges back too - if it is indeed a privilege to not be locked in this unit.
Hassun struggles to steady his hand as he writes.
**They used to let me walk around out there.**
Out there? He must mean the ward you were just on. Getting to walk around on the regular ward sounds luxurious at this point. You'd love to do that too. "Why did they take that away?" you ask.
You wait patiently as he writes his response. Rather then focusing on the paper, you politely look at the sky out the window. Hassun hums to get your attention, and then he points at the paper.
**People are scared of me. I don't know why.**
You aren't entirely sure why either, but in this moment you remember your nurse yelling at him just because he was talking to you. You frown and nod. You wonder how isolating it must be - not being allowed to talk to anyone. Despite how alone you feel, at least no one is policing your interactions.
[["People are so ignorant. I'm sorry."->D3 Acute Hassun Ignorant]]
[["I hope they let me walk out there too."->D3 Acute Hassun Hope]]"They're terrible in here," you say as you project a sympathetic frown. You gently nod your head after you say it - your efforts at communication are hampered by the noise in your head. Your ears ring, and you feel a heavy pressure over your heart.
Rest assured, much of your behaviour toward other patients passes through a heavy filter. You can't just act as sad as you feel - that would make //everyone// even more miserable.
Hassun points at the page again. You look over and read it.
**This is the worst hospital I've ever been to.**
You nod. He nods. You strain to think of something to say in response. You want to be positive, and you're trying, but it's a struggle.
[["Is your doctor nice to you?"->D3 Acute Hassun Doctor Nice]]
[["Does family ever come to visit?"->D3 Acute Hassun Family Visit]]"Is the medication helping otherwise?" Immediately after asking, you realize how much of a nonsensical question it is. Is medication with this side-effect really doing its job? What is even reasonable to tolerate? You used to think the sexual side-effects were bad, but now you wonder if that was a privileged perspective.
He writes furiously in response to your question. You may have upset him.
**I don't have a mental illness. There is nothing for the medication to help. I tried to tell them, but they won't let me leave.**
You squint at the paper and read it over a few times. A part of you wants to question this - afterall, everyone is here for a reason. However, you think it over carefully first.
[[Question Hassun.->D3 Acute Hassun Question]]
[[Accept what he says.->D3 Acute Hassun Accept]]It's so unbelievable - that someone might be afraid of him. You don't understand it yourself. "People are so ignorant," you say. "I'm sorry." You don't know what else to say. An apology makes the most sense, but you honestly can't see how that would help.
Hassun writes his response.
**People have their reasons. I don't want to harm anyone.**
You frown and nod. You stretch you legs out while sitting next to him.
[["Is your doctor nice to you?"->D3 Acute Hassun Doctor Nice]]
[["Does family ever come to visit?"->D3 Acute Hassun Family Visit]]You say, "I hope they let me walk out there too." It's not the only thing you're hoping for, but it is the most reasonable thing to hope for. Obviously they're not addressing you in a timely manner. No hurry to get you out of here.
It pains you because you do not want this to become routine. Hassun nudges you a moment to show you what he just wrote.
**Two weeks for me.**
Your eyes widen a bit. Two weeks? You can't imagine being stuck here for two //days,// let alone two weeks.
[["I hope they don't keep me for that long."->D3 Acute Hassun Don't Keep Me]]
[["Why are you here?"->D3 Acute Hassun Why Here]]You bite your tongue and lean back a moment. This definitely isn't the first person in a psych ward who told you they're not mentally ill. In fact, it's a rather common refrain.
You aren't sure you believe Hassun, but you don't want to be rude. "I see," you say. By the look in his eyes, you know that he is disappointed with that response. He writes again.
**I mean it. I don't have a mental illness. They're torturing me for no reason.**
You look down at the tiles on the floor in front of you, and you feel the weight of you lips curving downward. You have to decide whether to inquire further or leave it.
[["Is your doctor nice to you?"->D3 Acute Hassun Doctor Nice]]
[["Does family ever come to visit?"->D3 Acute Hassun Family Visit]]You ponder it for a moment and then realize something. You're just a patient. It's not your job to question what illness others have or don't have. It's best to accept his explanation for what it is. "It must be terrible to be locked in here, especially when you don't have a mental illness." It truly //would// be terrible if he was locked in here for no reason.
He smiles softly and closes his eyes for a moment as he rests against the wall behind him. You wonder if most people don't take him at his word. It must be awful to have no one believe you, whatever the case may be.
[["Is your doctor nice to you?"->D3 Acute Hassun Doctor Nice]]
[["Does family ever come to visit?"->D3 Acute Hassun Family Visit]]"I hope they don't keep me for that long." Only a few days ago you were worried the hospital //wouldn't// keep you. Funny how quickly things change. While you considered asking him why he was here, you wonder if the question might be offputting. You're not exactly proud of what landed your here, even though you're certain it's a mistake.
He points to the page he's writing on.
**They won't. You'll be out before the day's end.**
"How do you know?" you ask.
He quickly writes out his response.
**You're a sweet girl. They won't keep you here.**
You look on in disbelief for a moment, but you bite your tongue to avoid saying the first thing that comes to mind. How could he possibly know what the hospital plans for you? What makes him think that your gender has anything to do with it at all?
You're not sure what to tell him. "I'm sorry," you say. "I think you're lovely and I hope you get out of here soon."
He sets down the pen for a moment, looks over, and smiles at you.
[["Is your doctor nice to you?"->D3 Acute Hassun Doctor Nice]]
[["Does family ever come to visit?"->D3 Acute Hassun Family Visit]]"Why are you here?" you ask. It seems like a blunt question, but it's not unusual for psych ward interactions to skip the mundane small talk.
He writes. You look over at the window. All you can see from down here is the grey cloudy sky. He nudges you when he's done.
**They think I'm mentally ill. I am not mentally ill. I tried to tell them that, but they won't let me leave.**
You cross your arms and hold yourself tightly. You're not sure what to believe, in all honesty. Everyone is here for a reason, right?
[[Question Hassun.->D3 Acute Hassun Question]]
[[Accept his statement as is.->D3 Acute Hassun Accept]]"Is your doctor nice to you?" It seems like an odd question when you both know how terrible this place is, but occasionally people in the system show their kindness.
He scribbles down another sentence and shows you.
**My doctor is keeping me back here. He is not kind.**
You nod. It's no real surprise that his doctor isn't nice. You're not even sure why you asked at this point. What other answer were you expecting?
You send him a frown. "My doctor is nice enough, I guess."
You hear a loud knock at your door.
[[See who it is.->D3 Acute Hassun Wagner]]Dr. Wagner continues. "I think you're a good person who made a mistake. I don't want you back here anymore than you do."
Your eyes widen a moment and you look up at him. "You're letting me go?"
Dr. Wagner responds, "That's what I want to do. I just need to know that you won't start anymore fights."
You bite your tongue a moment and consider your options.
[["I didn't start a fight. I'm innocent."->D3 Acute Wagner Innocent]]
[["I won't start anymore fights."->D3 Acute Wagner Won't Anymore]]
[["I won't start a fight."->D3 Acute Wagner Won't Future]]"I didn't start a fight. I'm innocent." You can't do this. You can't promise not to do anything //again.// You didn't do anything wrong in the first place. It's absurd.
Dr. Wagner throws up his arms. "Look," he says. "I'm giving you //an out.// This isn't the time to be stubborn. Just tell me that you won't start a fight. That's literally all I need to hear."
A heavy shame takes over and you wish you didn't have to lie. Perhaps he truly was being literal? You could just repeat back to him what he told you to say. Then again, how different is that from saying you won't do it //again?//
[["I won't start anymore fights."->D3 Acute Wagner Won't Anymore]]
[["I won't start a fight."->D3 Acute Wagner Won't Future]]"I won't start anymore fights."
It feels so dirty to put it this way, but what else can you do? You //know// you weren't the one who started the fight, but right now you want this nightmare to be over. And this is the only way to finish it.
"Thanks. That's all I need to hear." Dr. Wagner proceeds to scribble some more things down on his clipboard. You aren't sure what he's writing, but at the moment you don't really care. He'll write whatever he wants. They all do.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner Medication]]You return his statement. "I won't start a fight."
You can't even implicitly admit to doing wrong. Agreeing not to start a fight doesn't imply any guilt - you're still not //comfortable// with it, but it will do for now.
"That's all I needed to hear." He writes a few things down. Had you more energy, you would want to know just what he was writing. In this case you choose to save your energy. What good would it do?
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner Medication]]{
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
(set: $Formed to true)
}You don't get long to enjoy the peace. Mike knocks on your door while walking inside. Draped over his arm are a couple of hospital gowns. "Jessica?"
You sit up and dangle your legs over the side of the bed. "Yeah?" you ask.
"Dr. Wagner just put you on a form. I need you to change into this gown. I brought two of them, so you'll be covered both sides."
So thoughtful of him to bring two. How do you feel about this?
[[Argumentative.->D3 Aft Form Arguementative]]
[[Compliant/resigned.->D3 Aft Form Compliant]]{
(set: $Formed to false)
}As you lie back you imagine the possibilities before you. Lifting a form leads to new beginnings. Passes. Eventual discharge. It chills you for a moment. Are you ready for discharge? Are you //ever// ready for discharge?
You aren't sure. You're never sure. You're only sure enough that something needs to change.
Mike knocks on the door and walks in. He doesn't wait for your response, as usual. "Your form has been lifted," he says. "These are the clothes you came in with." He totes along a plastic bag.
"My clothes?" you ask.
He nods. "Feel free to get changed. Um, I have to keep the bag though." It's quite an awkward transaction. You take the bag from him and dump the contents out onto your bed. You wonder what would happen if you tried to keep the bag at this point. How far would he go to get it back from you? You decide not to test it, and you pass it back to him.
He leaves the room.
[[Get changed.->D3 Aft Put On Clothes]]As you lie there, thoughts turn to your job. Is this the end for you? You continue to wonder if you are legitimately beaten in life. Being fired wouldn't be the worst thing, right?
You truly aren't sure.
It seems like nothing ever goes your way. //Seems,// anyway. You're not sure if you can trust yourself to truly assess it. If you were thinking clearly, you probably wouldn't be here. Still, in such a troubled and sad place, you aren't entirely sure where the healing is happening. You're not so certain that it happens on the ward.
You try to push it out of your mind.
[[Wonder about how Donna is doing.->D3 Aft Wonder Donna]]
(if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[[[Wonder about how Jon is doing.->D3 Aft Wonder Jon Bad]]](else:)[[[Wonder about how Jon is doing.->D3 After Wonder Jon Good]]]{
(set: $Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
}"Wait. Don't I have a say in this?" you ask.
Mike shakes his head. "Your doctor put you on a form. This is standard protocol." His cold response angers you further.
"I //decided// to go on a form," you say. "I didn't know you were about to take my clothes." You watch him carefully. You close your fist tightly around the blankets beneath them. They tremble.
"Dr. Wagner //placed// you on a form because it was the best thing for you." This rewrite of what you know not to be true infuriates you further. You mistakenly thought that your consent mattered, when clearly it does not.
"Then bring him //back.// I never would have agreed to this."
"Jessica," he says, as if speaking your name were an argument in itself. You want to spit something back at him, but he gives you nothing to work with. He clears his throat. "Can you please just do this for now, and we can talk about this with Dr. Wagner tomorrow?"
You grit your teeth and hold back your tongue. This isn't what you wanted, but you're not sure that arguing will do any good. For a moment you feel a shred of compassion for Mike - he probably has this argument with his patients every day.
"Fine," you say. Mike hands the gowns over to you and walks out of the room. Time to get changed.
[[Change.->D3 Aft Form Change]]"Rules are rules," you say. There's no sense in fighting your circumstances. It would only lead to a pointless argument - exhausting everyone around you.
He slowly walks across the floor. "No one likes to do this, but it's for your safety."
You can't help but laugh. It's a short laugh, at least. "Everything about this place is for my safety," you respond. All potential responses are thick with sarcasm. There is nothing productive to add. There is nothing left to say.
Mike hands you the gowns, and you cradle them as he walks away. "I'll be back in five minutes," he says.
Better get to work.
[[Change.->D3 Aft Form Change]]You walk to the wall parallel to the door and stand in the far corner. There is no point to closing the door - the window in the door means you can't block the view anyway. You try to stand at an awkward enough angle so that someone would have to stick their head in to spot you. You hope that's enough.
You strip down to your underwear. You reach up to your bra and put a finger behind the strap. Is anyone going to be bothered if you keep your bra? Perhaps you could strangle yourself with it, but that is one of many hypotheticals that your creative mind is working on. You're probably no safer giving it up, so you leave it on.
No one will //actually// examine your underwear, right?
The fear hangs over you as you pull the gown over your front half. You try to pay it no mind, but you can never be sure in this place. You pull the back-gown over you, and you're covered.
You sit and wait for Mike to return.
[[Wait.->D3 Aft Mike Clothes]]Mike returns after a few minuutes. He walks right in - again - toting a large plastic bag. It's clear that he wasn't thinking of your privacy. What if you were changing right this second? What if you were slow?
"Are these all your clothes?" he points at the pile on the floor.
You nod.
After collecting your clothing in his bag, he looks over at you. He notices your unease. "Are you all right?" he asks.
[["I'm fine."->D3 Aft Mike Fine]]
[["Could you knock next time?"->D3 Aft Mike Knock]]
"I'm fine," you say. You sure don't feel fine, but it's just one of many boundaries crossed in here. You try not to worry about it, and you definitely don't care to talk about.
"All right!" he says. "Dinner should be soon."
You nod. "OK." You can't bring yourself to say thank you. You're not sure what you would be thanking him for. But he leaves, toting your bag of clothes behind him.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Next]]"Could you knock next time?" you ask. You try your very best to stick to the request and conceal your frustration. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do - your emotions are strong, and he can sense it.
"I - uh - I believe I did," he responds. He's a bit astonished at your confrontation. (if: ($Outbursts / $MaxOutbursts) >= 0.6)[You're not sure why he's surprised - you haven't been shy when things have gone awry.](else:)[He clearly didn't expect you to speak up. You're surprised that you did too.]
You shrug your shoulders. "Fine," you say. It's not worth the argument.
He nods. "All right. Dinner's on soon." With that said, he walks out. No goodbye. Perhaps he's busy. Perhaps he doesn't care.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Next]]You walk toward the doorway in your room. As you approach, you hear someone howling in the distance. You step outside of the doorway and look to your left.
It's Hector! He stands in front of the nursing station, and he's crying. It's such a bizarre scene and you struggle to contrast this man crying with his dominant behaviour from earlier.
"You can't take it away, you assholes!" He continues to cry, and he proceeds to punch the wall behind him. He punches one, two, three times and the noise echoes through the hallway. He mutters, "Assholes. Everyone who works here."
(if: $HectorBully is true)[[[Approach cautiously.->D3 Aft Hector Approach Rejective]]](else:)[[[Approach cautiously.->D3 Aft Hector Approach Receptive]]]
[[Watch from a distance.->D3 Aft Hector Distance]]You stuff yourself in the corner of the room. You move as close as you can to the wall so that the view from the door is largely obscured. That's no point in changing anywhere else - the window in your door shows everyone the centre of your room.
You quickly strip out of your hospital gowns and triumphantly throw them to the floor. You pull on your other clothes - your pants feel loose without a belt, and you'll probably have to hold them up as you move around.
You're changed. You're one step closer to being out of here. The thought terrifies you, and you try to put it out of mind.
You look at the gowns crumpled up on the floor.
[[Get rid of the gowns.->D3 Aft Gown Laundry]]
[[Leave them.->D3 Aft Gown Ignore]]You don't want the clutter in your room, and you highly doubt that Mike will be back to retrieve the gowns. You pick them up and carry them out into the hallway, looking for a soiled linen bin. The //soiled// part always makes you feel a little bit weird. Did you really soil your gowns? They're mostly just covered in sweat.
Lots and lots of sweat.
You find one of the bins, lift it open, and toss the gown inside. With that done, you decide to go for a walk.
[[Go for a walk.->D3 Aft Next]]You look at the gowns lying on your floor, and after a moment you decide to leave them there. It seems like a lot of effort to find out where to toss them, and the cleaners will probably get them when they come through. You might as well save your energy.
You've been resting in your room for quite a while. Perhaps a walk is in order.
[[Go for a walk.->D3 Aft Next]]Is it fair, or even //sensible//, to think about Donna right now? She practically started the fight in the dining area. Well, she escalated it. What does it matter, anyway? She got herself into that situation - she can deal with the consequences.
Still, it must be hard when the powers that be descend upon you. You've experienced it in small ways - you know what it's like to be taken into a hospital by force. Definitely not your preferred route.
You wonder, just a bit, about how she is feeling now. Is she still in the back room? Has she done anything like this before? Did they release her, or are they taking their time?
And what did they do with Hector?
You don't know. It's exhausting to think about.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Next]]Your call with Jon definitely wasn't the highlight of your day, nor the highlight of your friendship. You still don't quite understand why he's pulling away during such a vulnerable moment. You don't know what to make of it.
You wonder how he's doing.(if: $D2ToldJonCatDead is true)[ You wonder how he's coping with the news of Cassandra's death.] You wonder what pressures he must be under for him to be acting this way. Is work going OK? Money troubles? Boy troubles? You don't know. You could guess endlessly, but you'll never truly know.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Next]](if: $D3JonSaysCannotVisit is true)[Jon pretty much implied that he won't be visiting.](else:)[You have your doubts that Jon will try to visit again.] Without anyone visiting, you are very much alone in here - aside from whatever friends you've made here, you suppose.
You miss him.
You try to think about the pressures he must be under in his life, and you truly don't want to ask much of him. You don't want to ask much of //anyone//. In fact, part of the reason you want to die is so that you won't be inconveniencing anyone with your existence anymore.
Not that it matters if you want to die, since you're here.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Next]]"Does family ever come to visit?" you ask. It seems lonely, especially back here. You are continually strained by the thought of being stuck here any longer than you are. You don't even know what time it is. It must be so easy to lose track of what day it is.
Hassun steadies his hand as he writes out a quick response.
**No.**
That was abrupt, but you're not sure what else he should have to say to that. Your heart hurts now - less so for yourself. It aches for the ordeal Hassun is going through as you wonder what kind of mental health system does this to people.
"I'm sorry." You don't know what else to say.
Someone knocks on the door.
[[See who it is.->D3 Acute Hassun Wagner]] "//Hassun!//" The mans's voice is booming, and it takes you a moment to realize that it's your doctor. Dr. Wagner.
Hassun looks up and hums forcefully in his direction.
Dr. Wagner says, "You know you can't come in here. We've talked about this //many// times."
Hassun gradually rises to his feet. He waves to you. You bite your tongue as you look down at the pen and paper resting on the floor. He leaves it behind and squeezes past Dr. Wagner at the doorway. It's now just the two of you.
"Let's begin," Dr. Wagner says as he closes the door behind him and looks at his clipboard.
[[Wait for him to say something.->D3 Acute Wagner How]]He flips through the pages on his clipboard. (if: $Formed is true)["I'll leave your form on for now," he says. He's not too interested in your opinion on that one. Typical.](else:)["I see no reason to put you on a form," he says as he writes a little note with the flick of a pen.
"Passes?" you ask almost instinctively. Your desire to get out of the back room coincides with a greater desire to breathe fresh air.
"Accompanied only," he responds, giving no explanation. You're too tired to complain, so you let it be.]
You sit quietly as he studies your chart and proceeds to make more decisions for you. "Medication? How's the mirtazapine?"
Mirtazapine - the antidepressant they gave you last night. You truthfully don't know how it's going. You don't know //at all//. You're only anxious to end this conversation as soon as possible and get out of here.
Still, you must give him //some// answer.
[["It's fine, I guess."->D3 Acute Medication Fine]]
[["I feel pretty rotten."->D3 Acute Medication Rotten]]"It's fine, I guess."
"You guess?" he asks, somewhat puzzled.
You don't have the energy to elabourate. "Yes," you say, as you continually lose the energy required for speech.
He tilts his head and squints at you a moment. "I'm going to just bump it up to 30 milligrams. That'll get you feeling better."
You've certainly heard promises like that before. "Thanks," you say. Speech is exhausting, and you hope this is done soon. He probably would've increased the meds no matter what you said, so why ask anything at all? You don't understand it. You can't understand anything about this place.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner Finished]]"I feel pretty rotten."
He nods. "Well, keep in mind that you're on a very low dose of this medication. I'm going to bump it up to 30 milligrams starting tonight." He writes some more - presumably your new dosage.
You don't respond, nor do you react. Uttering anything takes an inconcievable effort. A part of you wants to point out that //maybe// it's not the low dose that leaves you feeling lousy. Perhaps - and this feels like such a radical idea - perhaps it's the abuse you've endured in this space.
It feels strange to think of it as abuse, but you can't see it any other way.
The pain is heavy.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner Finished]]The intercom in your room crackles as a message sounds into the room. **"Attention patients, dinner is in the main hall. Come and get your tray, or you won't be having dinner."**
How do you feel about this?
[[Crushed.->D3 Acute Dinner Crushed]]
[[It's so absurd that it's funny.->D3 Acute Dinner Funny]]It's best not to get involved. Hector seems unstable and you're not sure there's anything you can do to help. Right now you fear making it worse. That or bearing the brunt of his anger.
"This entire place is //hell,//" he cries out. It's so weird to see him in such a vulnerable state.
A nurse - //your nurse// - steps out and approaches him. "OK Hector, we really need you to try."
"You can't take my smoke breaks. You //can't.//"
Ah. So it's about his smoke breaks. Mike responds, "We've warned you, and you //knew// the consequences. You need to accept this."
"You still get //your// fucking smoke breaks," he responds to Mike. Mike seems a little put off. "What if someone tried to take //your// smokes away? Can you imagine for one second?"
Mike exhales and waits a moment. He speaks again, "I understand that this is very frustrating for you. We can give you the patch-"
"I don't //want// the patch. I want my smokes!"
It's a very sad show. You never expected to see Hector throwing a tantrum like this. What a sad child.
You veer into the common room and see what's waiting for you. There is nothing more to see out here.
[[Look around.->D3 Aft Common]]{
(set: $D3SawAshley to true)
}You step into the common room and look around. You see Yua in the corner embracing a white woman with short red hair - you spy a purple haze. It's dyed, probably. You wonder if she is her partner. For all you've heard about the trouble in their relationship, they look quite comfortable together.
Patricia calls you over. "Hey Jessica! Over here."
You walk to the other end of the room and arrive at a table with Patricia, Amara, and Peter.
Patricia speaks, "We need an extra for Crazy Eights, and you look like a crazy girl. Are you in?"
(if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[[["Is it OK with Amara?"->D3 Aft Cards Bullied Amara Yes]]](else:)[[["Yes!"->D3 Aft Cards Yes]]]
[["Not right now, thanks."->D3 Aft No Cards]]You approach the scene cautiously. You make sure not to get //too// close to Hector, as he seems violent at the moment. You don't actually expect him to attack you, but after witnessing the fight earlier, you're not sure what to expect.
"Hector?" you ask nervously.
"What the hell do you want?" he asks you.
[["I just want to make sure that you're OK."->D3 Aft Hector Check OK]]
[["Crying in the psych ward? How original."->D3 Aft Hector How Original]]You carefully approach him in the hall. You don't know what to expect when you do, as he is still crying as he looks the other way.
"Um... Hector?"
He turns to you. "What?"
[["What's going on?"->D3 Aft Hector Going On]]
[["You're going to be OK."->D3 Aft Hector Be OK]]"I just want to make sure that you're OK," you say in your softest voice - as much as you can without sounding forced.
Hector only scowls at you. You should have known your help wasn't wanted. In fact, as you think further on it, you're watching Hector in a very humiliating situation. He //has// scared you at times, so it makes sense to proceed with caution.
He sighs. "I don't need help from a whore like you."
You freeze up. Slowly you regain access to your vocal chords. "What did you call me?" you ask.
"I called you a whore, because you a whore. Now get your ass out of here."
You throw up your hands and walk in the opposite direction. What good could you do by antagonizing him any further? He has always been terrible. You knew from the very start.
[[Walk through the halls.->D3 Aft Hector Donna]]You're in a rather sarcastic mood. Hector is not by any stretch your favourite person, and while you originally wanted to see if he was OK, his snide remark catches you off guard. "Crying in the psych ward? How original." It sounds a lot meaner when you say it out loud.
"You know what?" he says as he looks into your eyes through his tears. "You ... you are not worth the energy. Go."
"Go?" You tilt your head as you watch his eyes.
His eyes narrow. "Get the fuck out of here before-"
Suddenly the nursing station door swings open. You take a few steps back as Mike walks out to talk to him. Did Hector just threaten you with violence? Did that just //happen?// You turn around and walk in the opposite direction.
You don't listen to the ensuing conversation. Your head starts to cloud as you step forward into the hall.
[[Walk through the halls.->D3 Aft Hector Donna]]"What's going on?"
"They're //assholes!//" Each time he yells you jump a little bit - wary of the man's temper, afraid of becoming a target yourself. "They're butt-fucking assholes," he says again.
Butt-fucking assholes? It sounds like homophobia to you, but what can you really say right now? "What did they do?" you ask, as you try not to sound offended.
"My smokes," he responds after using the sleeve to absorb his tears. "They took my smoke breaks away."
Smoking - the psych patient's respite. Sometimes you'd go down and stand among the smokers. While you don't partake yourself, the social time is valuable and it helps you integrate into the culture. For Hector, a huge social link was just severed. On top of the nicotine withdrawl, it must be devastating.
"I'm sorry," you say to him.
"I wanted no part in that fight," Hector says. You aren't sure if it's true or not, but Donna seemed the aggressor. You never saw who threw the first punch, so it's hard to say. "I just wanted Donna to shut the fuck up." OK. You're losing some sympathy now.
"Good luck, my friend," you say as you turn around and walk away. You're not sure why you called him your friend. You're not sure of anything. You just want to exit the conversation.
He says nothing as you walk away.
[[Walk through the halls.->D3 Aft Hector Donna]]As gentle as you can be, you speak. "You're going to be OK," you say.
He looks at you through his weary eyes. "How do you know? //No one// actually knows." He presses his back against the wall and wipes his eyes with his sleeve.
You nod. "This place sucks, but it isn't forever."
"How long have you been here?" he asks in response.
"Three days," you respond.
"Three //months// for me." With that you see perhaps the folly of your attempt to comfort him. You don't truly know if things will be OK for Hector. You don't actually know if things will be OK for yourself.
"Hang in there," you say, as you turn around and walk away.
Standing with Hector while he is crying brings about so much discomfort. It's better to leave him be.
[[Walk through the halls.->D3 Aft Hector Donna]]"Is it OK with Amara?" you ask while looking at Patricia.
Patricia replies, "Hey, //lady//, they're right here. Ask them yourself."
You bite your tongue immediately realizing your mistake. Amara normally doesn't talk much.(if: $D3PatriciaDefendsAmara is true)[ It even seemed like Patricia was speaking for them earlier.] You close your eyes and shy away from your behaviour before facing Amara and speaking again.
"Amara - I'm sorry. Is it OK if I play?"
Amara looks up at you, and then back down at their cards. They look back up at you again and gently nod. You take the invitation.
[[Pull up a chair.->D3 Aft Cards Start Playing]]{
(set: $D3AftPlayedCards to true)
}You pull up a chair and huddle in with the group. You pick up your cards, and the game begins.
It's been a while since you had to play a card game. You figured that Crazy Eights would be simple enough, but you still need people to point out to you the details. Details like when you have to miss a turn.
The game moves smoothly, though, and you win some. You lose some too. You try to think of something interesting to say during the game, but the game moves so fast that you don't know
Suddenly you have a thought.
[["Isn't the name of this game offensive?"->D3 Aft Cards Game Offensive]]
[[Just focus on playing.->D3 Aft Cards Just Play"]]"No," you say. It's a short response, and you decide to clarify. "I'm sure it'd be nice to play, but I'm just not in the headspace for it."
"Oh c'mon," Patricia calls out as you turn away. You're not in the mood for it(if: $D2BulliedAmara is not true)[.](else:)[, and Amara probably doesn't want you there anyway.
You still have a sick feeling in your stomach over what you did to Amara. You wish there was a way to repair the harm, but you fear it's run its course.]
You walk over to the window and look out. The staring window. This is how you pass the time in here.
You try to push the boredom away. You lose yourself in thought.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Dinner Announcement No Cards]]"Yes!" you say eagerly. It's nice to have something to do.
Patricia says, "Well hurry up and pull up a chair! You're always welcome."
You smile. She smiles. It's time to play.
[[Pull up a chair.->D3 Aft Cards Start Playing]]"Isn't the name of this game offensive?" you ask the table.
Patricia shrugs her shoulders. "Doesn't bother me," she says. You're not surprised that it doesn't bother her. Nothing seems to phase her one way or another - except people with borderline personality disorder, apparently.
Amara then speaks up. "I think it should be called Mental Illness Eights."
Everyone at the table cracks up a little bit. You didn't find it particularly funny yourself, but it must be Amara's version of funny. It's actually pretty rare for Amara to tell a joke.
It is nice to see them crack a joke. It's nice to hear from them at all. You smile their way - they are clearly blushing at the attention.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Dinner Announcement]]You decide that the comment is not appropriate for the moment. You also don't really want to start a debate about the name of the game. The irony is fascinating - playing crazy eights in the psych ward is pretty funny. In fact you'll probably tell this story to friends with open ears in the future.
But right now you just want to play cards - to play cards and forget about things.
(if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[Your hairs stand on end as you watch Amara from across the table. You're not immediately to their left or right, so you don't have to manage the awkwardness of forcing them to miss a turn or a similiar penalty. Still, being at the same table peacefully is something. The tension feels like it will burst, but it may just be your perception. Everything at the table seems ... steady. It's very strange.](else:)[While this group is starting to feel a bit on the cliquey side of things, it's nice to have people with whom you belong. It makes the time in the hospital go infinitely faster. You're also grateful to be connected to Amara. You don't know Peter so well, and you're not Patricia's number one fan - but Amara is a genuinely kind person. That's your read of them.]
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Dinner Announcement]]The PA system crackles above you as an announcement starts.
**"Attention everyone. Dinner is now being served in the common area. Remember to wash your hands and put your tray back when you're done. Dinner is in the dining area."**
You glance around the table. "Whose cards?" you say, and Patricia raises her hand. You pass your hand over to her. You take one more glance at the group at table. It seems like everyone else wants to finish the game first.
"I'm out," you say as your rise to your feet and head toward the tray lineup.
[[Find your tray.->D3 Aft Dinner Find Tray]]After you turn the corner at the end of the hall, you see Donna! She's out too. That was quick - only a few hours you think? It's hard to say how long it's been.
"Hey," you say as you meet her eyes.
"Hey," Donna responds as she looks back at you.
You want to walk past her, but part of you feels the need to know.
[["Do you often get into fights?"->D3 Aft Donna Often Fights]]
[["Do you and Hector have a history?"->D3 Aft Donna History]]"Do you often get into fights?" you ask as you meet her eyes with your own.
"Ha! What do you take me for?"
You're not sure who she thinks she's fooling. Her attitude toward Patricia was unmistakable, and yet she doesn't want to own it. How did the fight start? Patricia is difficult, but not //that// difficult.
"Listen darling," she says. "You're not a special snowflake here to lead me to a better path. You're just a meddling child." She pauses a moment to take a deep breath. "My time has come and passed. No one cares, so the only thing left is to care about myself. //That's// why I fight so damn hard. Do you understand me?"
[[Yes.->D3 Aft Donna Yes]]
[[No.->D3 Aft Donna No]]"Do you and Hector have a history?" you ask.
Donna looks at you intently. "I know him."
"In here? Or..." Her focused attention leaves you quite nervous. As her energy engulfs you, you take a small shuffle back to reclaim your space.
"Hector is a sad excuse for a human. His harassment in a place of healing - he should just do it."
"Pardon?" you ask.
"Hector lands here when he tries to kill himself. I hope he tries a little harder next time."
It's cold. You're no fan of Hector, that's for sure, but to wish him //dead?// It seems unconscionable.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Dinner Announcement With Donna]]Interrupting your conversation with Donna, the PA system crackles above you as an announcement starts.
**"Attention everyone. Dinner is now being served in the common area. Remember to wash your hands and put your tray back when you're done. Dinner is in the dining area."**
You look at Donna. "It's time."
You turn around quickly and walk through the hall. You speedwalk to avoid Donna - you'd rather not be in her presence right now.
[[Continue->D3 Aft Dinner Find Tray]]"Yeah, sure," you say. You're not sure it's the greatest life philosophy, but you can at least admire the concept of being a radical self-advocate. In fact, for a moment you wonder if your lack of self-advocacy is the reason you're so depressed.
When that moment passes, you put the thought out of your mind.
She smiles smugly. Clearly she enjoys educating a youngster.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Dinner Announcement With Donna]]"No, I don't follow you."
Donna then adds, "Well, look, you're still quite young. This is all stuff you'll understand when you're older."
Ah, the mythical age-acquired wisdom. Older people like to point that out a lot, you've noticed. At least, the older people you know.
You wonder if Donna isn't just full of herself.
Not that you need another reason to think that.
[[Continue.->D3 Aft Dinner Announcement With Donna]]{
(set: $MaxOutbursts to $MaxOutbursts + 1)
}You slam a fist down on your bed.
Dr. Wagner jumps noticeably. "What's the problem?" he asks matter-of-factly.
"Can you believe how they talk to people in here?" you ask in response. "Can you honestly believe what you're hearing?"
He shakes his head. "Is there a problem with being told that dinner is ready?"
[[Scream at him. Nobody gets it.->D3 Acute Dinner Crushed Scream]]
[[Let it be.->D3 Acute Dinner Crushed Let It Be]]You burst out in laughter - uncontrollable laughter. You can't believe what the announcer was saying. Obviously the announcements in the back room are different than in the main ward.
Dr. Wagner looks at you with some puzzlement. "What is so amusing? I don't understand."
"Did you even listen?" You look at him incredulously. "Is this how they talk to people in here? //Is it?// Is this quality care?" You laugh between your words and lose yourself in the moment.
Dr. Wagner shakes his head. "I don't understand ... but all right."
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner Done Done]]Dr. Wagner scribbles a few more notes down on his clipboard. He looks up at you from his notes. "All right, I'll give them the notice to transfer you back. You should eat. Your nurse will come get you when they're ready."
When they're ready? You've been ready to leave from the very beginning. Dr. Wagner has the freedom to go as he pleases - and he does. He walks out of your room. You're alone again.
It is a relief to know that you'll be out of here soon, even though //soon// is relative. You must wait impatiently for them to sort out their bureaucracy.
You rise from your bed and step into the hallway. You find the trays on a rolling cart sitting near the nursing station.
[[Retrieve your tray.->D3 Acute Retrieve Dinner]]Is there a //problem?// It's almost as if Dr. Wagner can't see what's right in front of him. It will be impossible to explain it to him, and so you don't. "It's fine. I don't care," you lie. He'll never get it.
Dr. Wagner responds, "All right." He looks bewildered, but you can't force someone to get it. They'll either see it, or they won't.
You take a glance at the window to the outside. You see a few buildings in the distance - steel high-rises. You yearn to join the city again.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner Done Done]]{
(set: $Outbursts to $Outbursts + 1)
}"//Yes!// There //is// in fact a problem, if you can get that through your head. How would //you// feel if someone talked to you like that?"
He maintains a blank unphased expression at your outburst. "They brought you dinner. Should they not?" His response almost reads as sarcasm.
"Why does //no one// see what's wrong with this place?" It's so absurd. You've run out of feelings for how absurd it is. It can't possibly be real - it almost feels like he's gaslighting you. You don't want to call him on it, but that's how it feels.
Dr. Wagner shrugs. "We're doing the best we can." Right. The best they can. Everyone can just shed responsibility because they're all doing their best. You roll your eyes. You wish he would feel the slightest bit - something.
But he won't. You don't have faith that anyone will.
[[Continue.->D3 Acute Wagner Done Done]]There are only six trays to dig through, and you find yours near the top.
<hr/>**Jessica Meredith Gonzales
DOB: August 23, 1985
DIET: Standard, no known allergies
DINNER
1 hot water
1 tea bag
1 pkt sugar
1 milkette
1 pkt pepper
1 orange juice
1 milk (250ml)
1 srv salisbury steak
1 srv mashed potatoes
1 srv green beans
1 plastic spoon
1 napkin**<hr/>
On your way back to your room you see a few of the others wander out to find their food. You walk into your room and place the tray at the foot of your bed.
[[Eat dinner.->D3 Acute Eat Dinner]]This is your first time eating alone in here. You suppose you've been lucky - you always found a crowd to eat with, even if they weren't the same people.
Now it's just you.
You pick up the spoon and slide it out of the napkin it's wrapped in. All you get is a spoon in here - lovely. You look down at the plate in front of you. A lump of meat, some potatoes and green beans. You cut into the piece of meat with the spoon, and it gives easily.
No problem there. You just have to choke it down.
Wet. That's the only way you can describe it. It's a wet, slimy texture, not unlike everything else you eat in this place.
The only difference? It's //cold.// You don't think the dinner has retained //any// heat. Usually it's at least warm. Why might that be? Is every meal in the back room like this? Do they just let the trays sit out?
You cross your arms and look down at the 'food' in front of you.
[[Choke it down.->D3 Acute Eat Choke]]
[[Forget it.->D3 Acute Eat Don't]]You're almost too tired to eat. Especially when you consider eating cold hospital food - who would subject themselves to this? How do they get away with treating people like this? You don't know.
You decide to take it one spoonful at a time. One spoonful of slimy meat at a time - with a side of cold potatoes and cold beans.
It's a slow, arduous process, but eventually the tray is empty.
You don't feel that much fuller. Truthfully, your stomach isn't that thrilled with what you just put in it. You push the tray to the edge of the bed and lie back.
You watch the ceiling, and then you watch the camera.
You spend a while watching the camera.
[[Wait.->D3 Acute Transfer]]You push the tray away. It's not that you aren't hungry - you are very hungry. They don't feed you a lot in here - not as much as you're accustomed to eating. They probably strictly calculate the calories. Calories per dollar per patient.
After pushing the tray to the edge of the bed, you lie down on your side and plant half of your face into the pillow.
You listen to footsteps out in the corridor. A nurse. Clacking footsteps as feet hit the ground, echoing for eternity.
You're tired.
You wait.
[[Wait.->D3 Acute Transfer]]A woman walks into the room without knocking. It feels like they //never// knock. It's a nurse - the back room nurse. You lift your head and look at her.
"It's time, Jessica."
"It's time?" you ask. You quickly prop yourself up with your elbows as you look at her.
"Yes. Time to return to the ward."
You take a deep breath. You've been waiting for this - now the agony ends. Now you can be safe. Unrestrained. She leads you into the hall to the double doors next to the nursing station. Someone inside the nursing station pushes a button, and you hear a soft click.
You're out. You're //out!// You squint at the bright fluorescent lights above you. It's not //that// bright, but the contrast is clear.
"Your room is in the same spot, nothing changed," she says.
You nod. "Thank you." You mean it. You aren't sure //why// you mean it, but it doesn't matter. You're just grateful to be out.
[[Go to your room.->D3 Released Room]]You press your forehead against the cold window. The PA system crackles above you. It's an announcement.
**"Attention everyone. Dinner is now being served in the common area. Remember to wash your hands and put your tray back when you're done. Dinner is in the dining area."**
You exhale onto the window and a small part of it fogs up. You quickly wipe the fog off with your sleeve as you turn around. A crowd assembles haphazardly. You gather with them and seek out your tray.
[[Find your tray.->D3 Aft Dinner Find Tray]]You wait as patiently as you can while the people in front of you seek out their own trays. You wish people would hurry it up, but in reality they're probably no faster at this than you are.
There isn't much to fuss about. It's not like a lineup at an amusement park. There isn't a great ride at the front of the line. There isn't even great food.
You reach the front. You pick up your tray.
<hr/>**Jessica Meredith Gonzales
DOB: August 23, 1985
DIET: Standard, no known allergies
DINNER
1 hot water
1 tea bag
1 pkt sugar
1 milkette
1 pkt pepper
1 orange juice
1 milk (250ml)
1 srv salisbury steak
1 srv mashed potatoes
1 srv green beans
1 plastic spoon
1 plastic fork
1 napkin**<hr/>
Salisbury steak? For a moment you were tiny bit excited seeing the word "steak" on the menu, but obviously you //aren't// being served steak in a hospital.
Does any hospital serve steak? Maybe a fancy hospital? You wonder as you find a table to sit at. None of your friends are in view - you decide to assume that your friends will find you if they want to. You just want to settle down.
[[Start eating.->D3 Dinner Start]]You cut into the "steak" with a fork, and it gives easily. The texture - there's no way to describe it except //slimy.// It has a slimy texture. Fortunately, there isn't much on your plate to choke down. You reassure yourself that you can do this.
Someone sits across from you. You realize that it's Peter - (if: $D3AftPlayedCards is true)[you were just playing cards with him.](else:)[you saw him in group.]
"Hi Peter," you say.
"Hello!" he responds - he clearly didn't catch your name.
"Jessica," you say.
"Hello Jessica!" He smiles. You chuckle a bit too.
You pick away at the mashed potatoes. They're lukewarm, which is better than downright cold. It's hard to know what to say or what to ask.
Luckily, Peter breaks the silence. "Why are you here?" he asks.
[[Tell him about Cassandra.->D3 Dinner Tell Cassandra]]
[[Tell him that you're suicidal.->D3 Dinner Tell Suicidal]]"My cat died," you say.
He nods slowly. "I'm sorry to hear that. That must be devastating."
"It's more than devastating," you say...
[[Tell him how your cat died.->D3 Dinner Cassandra Details]]
[[Keep it to yourself.->D3 Dinner Cassandra Hide]]You decide to skirt around the issue that was happening prior to the hospital visit. It's still incredibly hard to talk about with other people. (if: $D2ToldJonCatDead is true)[You're surprised you told Jon.](else:)[You haven't even told Jon yet and he's your best friend.] It makes you feel so vulnerable.
"I'm here because I was going to kill myself if I didn't come," you say.
"That is my experience too," Peter says. He adds, "Do you think this place actually helps?"
[["It keeps me alive."->D3 Dinner Hospital Keeps Alive]]
[["I don't honestly know."->D3 Dinner Hospital Don't Know]]"It keeps me alive," you say. You aren't positively convinced, but you need to believe that your stay here - your suffering - is for a damn good reason.
"Does it?" he asks.
"I sure hope so," you respond.
He then adds, "I feel like this place is just a stopover between worlds."
Interesting idea. You want to hear more. "What do you mean?" you ask. You take a forkful of green beans as you listen to his response. The food is watery and somewhat bitter.
"I don't know about you, but I come here because I'm suicidal and ambivalent. I haven't yet committed to death, so I remain here while I decide."
You nod. "Yes," you say. "I wonder if that's part of why I'm here."
"You wouldn't come here if you had truly made up your mind," he says.
That's true.
[["Are you a regular here?"->D3 Dinner Peter Regular]]
[["How do you like the food?"->D3 Dinner Peter Food]]"I don't honestly know," you say. It's true - you don't know if this place helps at all. For now it just feels like a holding tank. A place to just //exist.//
Peter nods in agreement. "I don't honestly know either."
You pick at a little piece of potatoes. Even the potatoes taste unnatural in here - how can one mess up //mashed potatoes?// It's completely absurd.
In reality, the cook is probably doing their best. It must be hard to cook uniform meals for such a large number of patients. You try to have compassion. This environment makes it so hard to have compassion.
[["Are you a regular here?"->D3 Dinner Peter Regular]]
[["How do you like the food?"->D3 Dinner Peter Food]]"Listen," you say. "It's not easy to talk about."
"It's brave to talk about the hard things," Peter responds. "And that doesn't mean it's necessary. It's up to you."
You push some of the mashed potatoes around with your fork nervously. "What if something happened to her and it's my fault?" you ask - (if: $GTalkedAboutCat is true)[rehashing this tired conversation once again.](else:)[you hesitate to say more, fearing you'll lose his sympathy.]
"Is it //really// your fault?" he asks.
"//Yes!// No one believes me, but I could have saved her and I didn't."
Peter shrugs his shoulders. "It doesn't make you any worse than most pet owners. People //kill// their animals instead of treating their illnesses. It's socially accepted."
"What does that mean for me?" you ask.
"Well, I can see you have a lot of shame. But no one cares about what you did. You won't be condemned by anyone. May as well not condemn yourself for it."
How do you feel about this?
[[It's helpful to keep in mind.->D3 Dinner Cassandra Helpful]]
[[It misses the point entirely.->D3 Dinner Cassandra Misses The Point]]"What is it?" Peter asks.
You can't tell him. It's too shameful - it's such a difficult thing to talk to anyone about. You set down your fork and cross your arms for a moment. "That's all. She's dead. I'm all alone at home now. It's lonely."
He nods. "It sounds lonely. I haven't had a pet for a while. My parents don't want another one."
Ah. He lives with his parents. "I see," you say. What else is there to say?
[["Are you a regular here?"->D3 Dinner Peter Regular]]
[["How do you like the food?"->D3 Dinner Peter Food]]"Are you a regular here?"
"A regular?" he asks - seemingly not understanding what you meant by the question.
"Yeah," you respond. "A regular. A lot of people I've met here seem to know each other."
He nods. "Well, we all have something in common, don't we?"
Yes. You're all in here. Through one path or another, a misstep or a crisis, this is certainly a prime meeting point for the lost. Or the oppressed. "We do," you say. "We all have something in common."
"I'm not a regular at this hospital," he says. "I've gone to hospital a few times, but this is my first time here."
[["Do you think there's hope?"->D3 Dinner Peter Hope]]
[["I wish there were alternatives to hospital."->D3 Dinner Peter Alternatives]]"How do you like the food?" you ask. A nice and original conversation starter.
He smiles. "I prefer my dad's cooking at home."
"Your dad cooks?" you ask.
"He's a brilliant cook," Peter responds. "I'm actually really glad I have a good relationship with my parents. I meet so many people here who aren't on speaking terms."
[["Do they visit you here?"->D3 Dinner Peter Parents Visit]]
[["Have you ever fought with them?"->D3 Dinner Peter Fought]]"I guess you're right," you say. "Probably no one cares except me, and maybe Cassandra, if she's in heaven right now."
Peter adds, "And I'm not trying to say you shouldn't care."
"You're not?"
"I'm not. It's OK to care. All I mean is that your life will go on. That you won't be isolated for it. People have empathy. I'm serious. Staying alive is a valid option, because no one is going to kill you for this. No one except you."
You nod. "I think I get it." It is helpful to keep in mind.
[[Continue.->D3 Dinner Finish Up]]{
(set: $D3KnowPeterCrossdresses to true)
}"Look, I appreciate that you're trying to help." You continue to play with your food.
"But what?" Peter asks.
"You can't change the fact that I //know// what I did was wrong." It's true, too. Whether you will be socially condemned for it is a different question entirely, but you know in your heart that you failed Cassandra that night. You aren't sure where to start on forgiving yourself.
"Let's say it was absolutely wrong," Peter starts. "So what?"
"//So what?//" Peter's approach to this seems to be very cut and dry. You're just not supposed to care, and that is that.
"People do abhorrent things all the time. I have been attacked and left for dead. You know why?"
"Why?" you ask.
"Because I'm black, and I'm a crossdresser," he responds. "That's it. That's all."
You nod slowly. People are horrifying, hateful monsters. "So you're saying..." You can't finish your thought.
Peter finishes it for you, "What I'm trying to tell you, Jessica, is between you and them, I know whose company I'd prefer."
You nod. It makes sense in those terms. Perhaps you're still a monster, but you are unlikely to be ostracized for it.
[["Thanks for the insight."->D3 Dinner Peter Thanks Insight]]
[["Wait, you're a crossdresser?"->D3 Dinner Peter Crossdresser]]"Thanks for the insight," you respond. It is nice to know that your company is preferred, even though you still can't forgive yourself for what happened.
"I don't mean it as an insight," Peter responds, circling his wrist as he tries to get his next thought out. "Don't take it as a general rule. I just wanted to say, from //my// perspective, you're OK. I can't speak for anyone else. Maybe don't tell an animal rights activist. Or just tell them - just don't worry - just - who cares?"
You crack a smile at his suggestion of who not to tell. They wouldn't be the first on your list for such a thing. "Well, thanks," you say.
"No worries," he responds.
[[Continue.->D3 Dinner Finish Up]]{
(set: $D3PeterIsMan to true)
}You can't shake one of the details, and you feel compelled to ask. "Wait, you're a crossdresser?"
He cracks a smile. "I like to express my gender."
"So... you're transgender?"
He shakes his head. "People confuse this a lot," he says. "I'm pretty sure I'm a man. Nothing against trans women, but I think I'm a man."
You nod. "OK." You try to suppress your shame at the mistake you made, but he doesn't seem to mind.
[[Continue.->D3 Dinner Finish Up]]You scrape the plate to dig up one final forkful of mashed potatoes, and you set down your fork. You're finally done the meal. You smile at Peter. "Thanks for sitting with me," you say.
"Thank you too. I enjoyed the talk."
You rise from the table and return your tray to the cart. You step out into the hallway, feeling a bit antsy. It's time for a walk.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Walk]]"Do they visit you here?" you ask. What you wouldn't give for family to be close enough to visit.
"Yes," he responds. "They come everyday."
"//Everyday?//" It feels almost unheard of to you to have such frequent visitors. Usually the ward is a lonely place. "What's it like to see people everyday?"
He forces a smile. "It's good. The time between visits is the worst though. The time waiting for them. And saying goodbye. It's a shocking loneliness."
You nod as you eat another forkful of the salisbury steak. You struggle to put yourself in his shoes because you already feel the shock of being cut off from the outside. You'd kill to have someone visit you that often.
[[Continue.->D3 Dinner Finish Up]]{
(set: $D3KnowPeterCrossdresses to true)
}"Have you ever fought with them?" you ask.
"Sure I have," he responds. "We once had a fight so bad we didn't speak for a year. It's taken some time."
"What happened?" you ask.
He shrugs his shoulders and looks into your eyes. "Well, sometimes I prefer to wear a dress."
"Oh," you start. "You mean like a woman's dress?"
"Yeah. Exactly. I think I look rather cute in a dress, but my father didn't. I was in college at the time." He pauses for a moment and jabs his food with his plastic fork. "I was doing what I wanted - out on my own."
"Are they OK with it now?"
Peter nods. "I don't think they're thrilled, but we reached an understanding."
You nod back and take another bite of potatoes. You aren't necessarily surprised at what Peter just revealed to you. You've met all sorts of people since moving to the city.
[[Continue.->D3 Dinner Finish Up]]"Do you think there's hope?" It seems like such a silly question in this place. Does anyone here have hope?
He shrugs. "Maybe. Maybe I'm here because I have some hope."
"It doesn't feel like hope though," you respond. You tap your fingers on the table as you try to explain. You take a nibble of salisbury steak. It's as bland as ever. "I kind of think I'm here just because I'm supposed to be."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"They always say to go to the emergency room if you're suicidal," you say.
"Yeah. They do say that," he responds.
"Sometimes I'm just trying to be a good patient. It's not always about hope. I know that I'm not supposed to die. They wouldn't let me die if I told them point blank."
Peter nods. "I see what you mean, and it's true. There are many reasons for living. Sometimes it's just obligation. It's painful to keep going when you don't have hope."
You nod. "It is what it is."
[[Continue.->D3 Dinner Finish Up]]"I wish there were alternatives to hospital," you say longingly. In a community devoid of supports, it's hard not to resent the fact that the only option in a crisis is to show up at an emergency room. As if hospital staff are qualified to heal your deep traumatic wounds - as if being hospitalized isn't traumatic in and of itself.
Peter nods. "My therapist helps me stay off the ward. Sometimes, anyway."
You nod back. Peter is one of the lucky ones who actually has a therapist. It's odd that someone as young as him can afford a therapist - there must be money coming from somewhere else. His parents, maybe. "I don't have a therapist."
"They're expensive," he says. "My mom likes to remind me occasionally." Yes, his parents //are// paying for it. The situation sounds somewhat toxic though - through offering help, they foster a feeling of indebtedness to his parents.
Suddenly you're not so envious.
[[Continue.->D3 Dinner Finish Up]]
The fluorescent lights shimmer above you as you wander through the hallway once again. A prime activity in here - you find yourself wandering the halls quite a lot. When you reach the far end, you rest against the windowsill.
So this is what survival looks like. You'd think after a few of these the monotony would get to you, but each time you're hospitalized feels different. (if: $Acute)[The back room sucked almost all of your energy dry, even though you mostly just stared at the ceiling.](else:)[This time it's more draining than usual. The ward is harsh. You can't imagine it helping anyone.]
You exhale onto the window and it fogs up. You decide to draw a face in it.
[[Draw a happy face.->D3 Eve Draw Happy]]
[[Draw a sad face.->D3 Eve Draw Sad]]You dive into your bed - just the way you left it. You press your head into the pillow and take a deep breath against the fabric.
You're back. The relief sweeps over you. Still, a nagging unease persists in the background. You've lost almost all your trust in the institution. You've almost forgotten why you came here in the first place.
"//Hey!//" It's a voice from your doorway. Hazel!
[[Jump up and embrace her.->D3 Released Hazel Jump Up]]
[[Sit up in the bed and watch her carefully.->D3 Released Hazel Careful]]{
(set: $D3HuggedHazel to true)
}In a moment you rise from the bed, rush over, and hug Hazel tightly. Hazel returns the embrace. Tears roll down your cheek as you hold on for dear life.
"Hazel ... thank you."
"Why?" Hazel responds.
"You visited me. Thank you." Words can't describe how grateful you are for Hazel's visit.
Soon enough the embrace ends and you both sit down on the bed.
[[Continue.->D3 Released Hazel Bed]]What does Hazel want? Why is she coming into your room? From a sitting-up position, you watch her with caution. It's hard to trust people when your trust in the system is shaken beyond repair. You close your elbows into your side and clasp your hands together.
Hazel notices your wariness. She whispers to you, "Hey. It's OK, it's just me."
You shift over a little bit to make space and pat the spot on the bed next to you, inviting her to sit. That's exactly what she does.
[[Continue.->D3 Released Hazel Bed]]Hazel looks deeply into your eyes, and you watch her in return. It's hard not to be a little nervous. You aren't sure you want to be touched right now (if: $D3HuggedHazel is true)[- a strange objection considering you just got up and hugged her, but none of this actually makes sense. You wish it did make sense.](else:)[- all contact makes you feel suspicious, even though you doubt Hazel means any harm. Everything is a potential threat right now.]
"Hey," Hazel says.
"Hey," you say in response.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks.
[[Yes, talk about it.->D3 Released Hazel Talk]]
[[No, you're not in the mood.->D3 Released Hazel Don't Talk]]"I guess so." You don't actually know if you want to talk about it. Talking about it doesn't always help, and your memory is still hazy. "I can't think clearly right now."
Hazel nods. "It will pass."
"How do you know?" you ask. You think you can take a guess.
"I've been there too," she responds. Just as you thought. "I've been in the back room for a few days. It left an impression."
You nod. "I bet it did." You're overcome by guilt. It feels wrong to feel this deeply when you were only in there for a few hours. "Sorry," you say.
"Why are you sorry?"
"I wasn't there for days. I was barely there at all."
She frowns. "It's OK. I still get it."
She rests her hand on you shoulder. You take a deep breath after her hand connects. You force a smile - it's not that you don't want to be touched. You don't really know what you want.
[["I'll be fine."->D3 Released Hazel I'll Be Fine]]
[["I don't know how to go on."->D3 Released Hazel Can't Go On]]"I don't know. Maybe not." It's a difficult response because part of you wants your pain to be acknowledged and understood. You're not sure if anyone can get it, though.
"I've been back there before," Hazel says. "You can talk to me."
You nod. "Thanks," you say. You are mostly without words right now. Even if you wanted to talk to her about it, it wouldn't be happening. It's better not to try.
You both sit in silence. She puts a hand on your shoulder. (if: $D3HuggedHazel is true)[It comes from a space of kindness, and you appreciate it.](else:)[You shiver a little bit at the human touch.] The last time someone touched you without asking, it was a violent move to relocate you.
At least this time it's different. "Thanks," you say again. You both sit in silence for a while.
[["I'll be fine."->D3 Released Hazel I'll Be Fine]]
[["I don't know how to go on."->D3 Released Hazel Can't Go On]]You force a smile as you look at Hazel. "I'll be fine," you say. You don't actually believe it, but you don't see the point in being melodramatic about it.
It was a bad situation, and now it's over. You desperately //need// it to be over. You //need// to be OK. Hazel may be sitting with you, which is perfectly nice, but in truth all you have is you.
You need to fight this.
Hazel rises and sends you a gentle smile. "I'll let you be for now," she says. "If you need anything, well... I'm not hard to find."
"Thanks," you say as you watch her walk out.
You stare at the wall for a while.
It'd be nice if a nurse debriefed with you after leaving the back room. It's almost like you're split between worlds with a hazy sense of belonging.
At least you can exist in this space for now.
[[Go for a walk.->D3 Released Walk]]"I don't know how to go on," you say.
"Go on?" Hazel asks.
You shake your head. "Just - this feeling. This feeling that makes me want to give up. Thoroughly give up." It's this feeling of being tapped dry - no energy for anything. Not even energy to care.
Hazel nods. "Save your strength. This will pass." She then stands. "I'm going to let you be for now, but I won't be far. Come find me?"
You look up at her and nod. "Thank you."
She smiles and turns away, leaving the room. You sit alone for a while as the events of the day sink in. You stare at the wall. Torn between worlds - where do you belong?
[[Go for a walk.->D3 Released Walk]]Your thoughts wander to Cassandra. It was convenient to be trapped in the back room with more pressing concerns, but as things slow down you start to remember again. You start to cry once more.
The emotional release is probably a good thing. You miss her. You wonder where she is and how she's doing. You wonder if she forgives you.
Forgiveness is the hardest part. You can't even forgive yourself.
You rise to your feet and walk outside. Perhaps a stroll down the halls would be helpful.
[[Walk.->D3 Eve Walk]]You paint a smiling face onto the window with your index finger. The window emits a satisfying squeak as you touch it. Suddenly you hear someone behind you.
"Hey!"
It's Yua. You quickly turn around, somewhat startled.
"Yes. Spread the happiness. High-five!" She raises her hand, and you clap it. You smirk as you look at her happy eyes.
[["What has you in such a chipper mood?"->D3 Eve Yua Chipper]]The window squeaks as you paint the frowning face into it. You examine your art, and suddenly someone behind you speaks.
"Hey!"
You jump and turn around. It's Yua!
"Turn that frown upside-down," she suggests, almost obnoxiously.
[["What has you in such a chipper mood?"->D3 Eve Yua Chipper]]Yua's behaviour is certainly unusual. You decide to ask. "What has you in such a chipper mood?"
"Ashley came," she responds. (if: $D3SawAshley is true)[Ashley must be the woman you saw with her earlier.] You watch Yua's eyes, and they brighten with each passing moment.
[["It's nice of her to visit."->D3 Eve Yua Nice Visit]]
[["How is Ashley?"->D3 Eve Yua How Ashley]]"It's nice of her to visit," you say. (if: $D2SawJon is true)[You think back to Jon's visit. (if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[It pains you that he won't come back.](else:)[Though short-lived, it was nice.]]
Yua responds, "I thought she was done with me."
It must be hard to exist in this place while thinking that someone important to you hates you. (if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[Suddenly you find yourself thinking of Jon. He probably doesn't hate you either, but it sure feels like he does.](else:)[It's a common feeling in this place, especially when no one calls.] "But she isn't done with you?"
"No," Yua says. "She loves me."
You nod. It must be nice to be loved. You haven't felt that way in a long time. "That's good," you say.
"We still have issues," Yua admits.
Yes. There definitely seems to be something going on. You lean against the windowsill and press your forehead against the cold glass.
[["What issues?"->D3 Eve Yua What Issues]]
[["It still must be nice to have Ashley.""->D3 Eve Yua Nice Loved]]"How's Ashley?" you ask. It sounded like their relationship was troubled before, and this is quite a sudden transformation. Then again, interpersonal relationships can change in the blink of an eye. (if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[It certainly feels that way with Jon right now.]
Yua responds, "She's ... she's having some trouble at home right now.(if: $D3LearnedYuaMother is not true)[ Mom is causing her a lot of grief."](else:)["
"You mean with your mom there?" you ask.
"Yes. She's causing a lot of grief," she responds.]
You nod. Sometimes family members don't mix. "How long is your mom there?"
Yua shrugs. "I don't know, honestly. I wish she supported us."
It would be nice if everyone was queer positive. It must be hard to live with someone who isn't. "I'm sorry," you say.
"It's fine," she responds. "I just have to accept it. "
[["It still must be nice to have Ashley."->D3 Eve Yua Nice Loved]]
[["I accept you."->D3 Eve Yua I Accept You]]"What issues?"
Yua frowns and turns her head to look out the window. "My illness isn't easy on us. We argue a lot."
You nod. "It must be hard if she isn't supportive."
Yua shrugs. "I get it. It's not easy for her either."
You've felt similar issues in your own relationships. Interpersonal skills are hard to manage while in a crisis, and it feels like life is just one crisis after another. "I think I know what you mean," you say, though you're not sure you have the same experience. (if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[You think of Jon - not the same situation, but it's a relationship in your life that's struggling.]
She places her hand on the window. "The cold is nice," she says. You place a hand on the window too. You stand quietly with Yua for a moment.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Yua Cassandra]]"It still must be nice to have Ashley."
"Yes," Yua responds. "I really hope it works out. I don't know what I'd do without her."
It's hard when relationships change, even if the change is necessary. You wish there was something you could do to help, but you're still tied up in your own problems. Maybe talking is a good approach. "Don't you think you would be OK without her?
She shakes her head. "No. I'd die for sure." She pauses for a moment. "Maybe I just have to accept it."
You nod. "I'm sure you would be OK."
"Thanks," she says. She doesn't seem that assured. Can you blame her?
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Yua Cassandra]]Yua turns to you. "You haven't told me much about you," she says.
You realize that you haven't really talked about your struggles with her. It's nice of her to ask. "What do you want to know?"
"What's eating at you? I get the sense there's something." It's an oddly direct question. It's common for people to ask what brings you here, or why you're in hospital. But to be asked what's //eating// at you - it's unusual. She adds, "You can tell me. I don't judge."
You look down at your feet as you as you prepare your response.
[["My cat, Cassandra. I killed her."->D3 Eve Yua Killed Cassandra]]
[["I denied my cat medical care and she died."->D3 Eve Yua Denied Treatment]]"I accept you," you say.
Yua smiles. She even chuckles a bit. "Thanks, I guess."
[["You guess?"->D3 Eve Yua You Guess]]
[["No problem."->D3 Eve Yua No Problem]]"You guess?" you ask.
She responds, "You're not doing me any favours, OK? I never doubted that you accepted me. I just want to be a normal person." It's a somewhat short response that you didn't quite expect.
"All right," you say. "Sorry."
She shakes her head. "Don't be //sorry.// Don't be anything. It's fine. It's all fine."
You nod your head. You're afraid that continuing to speak will upset her more, so you remain quiet. You're not sure what you did wrong, but it's better to let it go.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Yua Cassandra]]"No problem," you respond.
"It doesn't matter," she says. She watches the outside world through the window. "When I'm well enough."
"You still have hope?" The idea of hope is surreal. Things //need// to change for the better soon, because your hope is running dry.
Yua nods. "The cycle gets old, but I can't stay here forever."
Indeed. You can't stay here forever either. You're not even sure that you want to stay here. Nothing like giving up your personal agency to make you appreciate your freedom on the outside.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Yua Cassandra]]"My cat, Cassandra. I killed her."
(if: $D3SharedInGroup is true)["Right. You shared this in group," she responds.](else:)["That's a lot to carry," she responds.] She looks away for a moment, and she meets your eyes again. "If you really did kill her, then I hope it would eat away at you - just a little bit, I mean. That's your conscience talking, right?"
"Yes." It's a relief that finally someone gets it.
Yua adds, "I'm sure there's more to it."
Yes. There certainly is more to it, but the abbreviated version is what works right now. You'd rather not risk having compassion for yourself. You don't want to condone what you did.
Yua speaks again. "Listen, Jessica..."
[[Listen.->D3 Eve Yua Listen]]"I denied my cat medical care and she died."
"(if: $D3SharedInGroup is true)[I remember you shared that in group. ]That's a lot to carry," she responds.
Indeed. It's more to carry than you think you can manage right now. How can your love for someone even be valid when you're responsible for her death? What right do you have to be sad? "It's not just depression, you know. There are serious questions I'm fighting with."
Yua turns around and presses her back into the window. "If you didn't get her treatment when you could have, it makes sense to feel a little bit guilty."
You nod. "Thank you for saying that." (if: $GTalkedAboutCat is true)[It feels like everyone has been screaming the opposite viewpoint back at you.](else:)[Finally someone seems to get it.] You really needed someone to acknowledge this for you.
Yua starts. "Listen, Jessica..."
[[Listen.->D3 Eve Yua Listen]]"We are all flawed beings," Yua says. "Some people think that flaws are beauty."
Yes. You've been told this before. "What do you think?" Honestly, for you, it feels like such a hokey thing to bring up right now.
"I just think it's inevitable," she says. "No matter how hard you try, you're going to screw something up. So why bother, right?"
[["Yeah. Why bother?"->D3 Eve Yua Why Bother]]
[["What do you //actually// think?"->D3 Eve Yua What Think]]"Yeah. Why bother?" You don't know if she's trying to help you feel better or not, but you know where you stand on the question of life or death. And right now, you don't //want// to bother with anything. Perhaps that's why you're stuck in this place.
"I think there are options - there are ways to bother, there are pathways to bothering, always," Yua says. She then presses her hands onto the windowsill and lifts herself onto the ledge, scooching her butt back against the window. "But the pathway to bothering is often full of lies. People aren't used to looking at things honestly."
She pats the spot next to her. "Join me?"
[[Sit next to her.->D3 Eve Yua Sit Next To Her]]
[[Remain standing.->D3 Eve Yua Remain Standing]]"What do you //actually// think?" you ask. Truthfully, you don't appreciate being baited into a life lesson. You don't have the patience for this approach, and you wish she would just tell you what she means.
"What I actually think is complicated," she says. Yua then lifts herself onto the windowsill - wide enough to accommodate a person - and she scooches her butt back against the window. "I think most people would rather lie to themselves than actually face their demons."
"Join me?" she asks and pats the space next to her.
[[Sit next to her.->D3 Eve Yua Sit Next To Her]]
[[Remain standing.->D3 Eve Yua Remain Standing]]{
(set: $D3Windowsill to true)
}You turn yourself around so that your back is facing the window. Then you lift yourself off the ground until you're sitting on the ledge. Your back feels refreshingly cool as it presses against the window.
You survey your kingdom from this new vantage point. You see the nursing station down the hall. A few people wander slowly. You would be among them if Yua didn't show up. "It's nice up here," you say.
"I thought so too," Yua responds.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Yua Continue]]"I'd rather stand if that's cool," you say. You lean you arm into the windowsill as you look at Yua.
Yua responds, "Suit yourself. It's a nicer perspective up here though."
[[Sit next to Yua afterall.->D3 Eve Yua Sit Next To Her]]
[["I'm really OK."->D3 Eve Yua Really OK]]"I'm really OK," you insist. It's better not to do something //too// out of the ordinary because you don't want to attract attention to yourself.
"OK," Yua says. "That's fine."
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Yua Continue]](if: $D3Windowsill is true)[You dangle your legs off the windowsill and kick the heels of your shoes against the wall. (if: $Formed is true)[You pull your gown out from under your behind so that it dangles over your legs.]](else:)[You continue to lean against the windowsill, having declined Yua's invitation.] You rest in silence as you wait for Yua to speak.
Yua breaks the silence. "Sometimes I think these questions are beyond what the doctors and nurses can answer. They want a quick fix."
Yes. That's certainly how it seems. "It almost seems like they're trying to smash a medical solution into a philosophical problem." It defies the nature of humanity - the complexities of your mind and experience being ground into digestible categories. It all must come down to treatable illness. If it doesn't, no one can help you.
Yua says, "I don't think I'll find the answers I'm looking for in here."
"No?" you ask.
"No. Well think about it, Jessica. What do //you// need to know?"
"I need to know..."
[["...what makes someone a good person."->D3 Eve Yua Good Person]]
[["...where real help is."->D3 Eve Yue Where Help Is]]
[["...when to give up."->D3 Eve Yua When Give Up]]"I need to know what makes someone a good person."
Yua nods. "That's a question I'm asking myself too."
It's a hard question to wonder about, and you're afraid of the answer. "What would the doctors say?" you ask. (if: $GTalkedAboutCat is true)[On some level you know what would happen. At best they'd medicalize it - at worst they would judge.](else:)[Throughout this hospital stay, you've been too afraid to mention Cassandra. Honesty may get you condemned.]
Yua remains quiet for a moment. She then says, "A decent shrink would probably say that good and bad are just labels."
"Labels?"
"Judgment. At least, that is what I've been told." She pauses again as she reflects. "It's like that group we had. All or nothing thinking."
You shake your head. "It isn't that simple though. People are judged as good or bad all the time."
"Is it their judgment you're afraid of?" Yua asks.
You hadn't thought about it that way before. At least not directly. "I don't know," you say.
Yua nods (if: $D3Windowsill is true)[and looks at you from the other side of the windowsill.](else:)[and looks down at you with a forced smile.] "The mind is great at categorizing. If you did something that you would condemn another for, you won't be very happy with yourself."
You nod. Unhappy with yourself - that's an understatement. You detest yourself. You feel unworthy of life or love. You had your chance at life, and //you blew it.//
"I have something to tell you," Yua says.
[[Listen to Yua.->D3 Eve Yua Listen 2]]"I need to know where real help is."
Sometimes you think the mental health system is as lost as you are. How much has this hospital actually //helped// you? They did put you on medication, but any doctor could have done that. Maybe they're keeping you alive - you don't know. It's debatable.
Yua nods. "I don't know where real help is either." She pauses for a moment before saying more. "I mean, I've read about suicide risk after discharge. I've always felt unsteady after discharge."
"Wait," you say. "There are studies?"
Yua responds, "Hospitals increase suicide risk. I'd show you if we had internet in here."
Ah. The technology ban. You don't see what is so bad about having a phone anyway. You regret not sneaking yours in somehow - it's not like it'd matter if you were caught. You don't have any privileges to lose.
You think about it still. Increased suicide risk. It's not so bad for you - you suppose anyway. You say, "I guess that's fine with me." It's not like you deserve to live.
"You guess?" Yua responds.
You shake your head. "I can't accept what I've done." Cassandra. It's too much.
"I have something to tell you," Yua says.
[[Listen to Yua.->D3 Eve Yua Listen 2]]"I need to know when to give up."
To give up - to die - to let go of existence. It felt better to soften your language in your response to Yua, but this is what you're truly thinking. You're not convinced that wanting to kill yourself is always rooted in a mental illness. Nor do you think that the psych system has the ability to save everyone.
On some level you're still desperate to be saved. That's what brought you here. You think it is, anyway.
Yua speaks. "I think that's something that no one else can answer."
"But there //are// answers," you say. "My doctor wouldn't let me kill myself. Life is always the answer." You take a deep breath and exhale. "It always comes down to illness."
"I know," Yua says. "We live in a sick world, but we're the ones with the problem."
You look over at Yua. She looks back at you. You think about the sick world - as Yua said - and wonder what might change to make you feel like living again. Maybe if you didn't have to worry about rent or employment.
A sick feeling grows in the pit of your stomach - you're ignoring your financial issues, but money isn't just a game. Money is life. Do you still have a job? You don't know. You don't know how you'll live once you get past surviving.
"I have something to tell you," Yua says.
[[Listen to Yua.->D3 Eve Yua Listen 2]]"What is it?" you ask.
"Maybe it's wrong to compare, but I think I can relate a little bit," she responds. Her hand is trembling.
[["Are you OK?"->D3 Eve Yua Are OK]]
[["How so?"->D3 Eve Yua How So]]"Are you OK?" you ask.
Yua shrugs her shoulders and presses the back of her head into the window. "Who knows?" she says. "Does it really matter?"
"I think it does," you say. "You're my friend. Of course I care."
She smiles a bit. "Well, look..."
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Yua Well Look]]"How so?" you ask.
She smiles a bit. "Well, look..."
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Yua Well Look]]"Ashley and I had an argument before I came here," she says.
"What was it about?" you ask.
Yua shakes her head. "It really doesn't matter what it's about. It felt like it was building to a breakup."
"I'm sorry," you say. That situation never feels good, and you think back to some of your past relationships. They don't always end well - they always leave you in a terrible state.
"It's fine," Yua says. "Thing is, I said something terrible. I regret it, but I did say it."
"What did you say?" you ask.
"I told her that if she left me, I'd kill myself." Her hand continues to shake as she talks. "It was wrong, but I said it." A tear rolls down her face.
How do you feel about this?
[[Wary.->D3 Eve Yua Wary]]
[[Understanding.->D3 Eve Yua Understanding]]{
(set: $D3YuaUnhappy to true)
}You definitely have your own regrets in life, but something about what Yua said leaves you deeply troubled. It's not that simply being suicidal is the issue, but what she said to her girlfriend was controlling and abusive. Before long, your own hand starts to tremble as you try to formulate a response.
"We all have regrets, I guess," you say, trying to ward off the awkwardness of the situation.
"You guess?" she responds through tears, clearly reading your tone. She watches your body language carefully. You shrug your shoulders and look down at the floor.
She says, "All I was trying to tell you is, I have regrets too. That's //literally all// I was trying to say."
She pushes off the windowsill, and lands on her feet. She speedily walks away and vanishes at the corner.
Did you make a mistake?
[[Yes.->D3 Eve Yua Mistake Yes]]
[[No.->D3 Eve Yua Mistake No]]It's a tough situation for sure, and you know for a fact that you've said things you regret while emotions were high. Depression is often like that. You wait a moment before responding. "I know what it's like to say something that I regret."
Yua responds, "I guess I mean, I think I understand what it's like to hate yourself for something you did." She pauses. "What I said hurt Ashley deeply, and I can't stop thinking about it."
Your immediate instinct is to reassure her. To tell her that what she said wasn't so bad - that it isn't unforgivable, that she can still be a good person. You notice that it's your instinct, and you wonder how helpful it would really be. Then you speak. "It sounds like how I feel about Cassandra." You're not sure if it's an accurate comparison, but you do see where Yua is going with this.
"I thought so," she responds. "Ashley wants to do counselling. It sounds like a good place to start."
If only you could do counselling to mitigate the damage you caused, but your cat is already dead. It's far too late. "I'm glad there's a plan," you say.
Yua asks, "Can I say something else?"
[[Listen to what she wants to say.->D3 Eve Yua Listen Again]]
[[Tell her you're getting tired.->D3 Eve Yua Getting Tired]]Suddenly you're alone. You remember when Yua approached you. She was quite warm and friendly. She showed you kindness and vulnerability, and in response you threw it in her face.
You have a long list of regrets. This is just one more added to your list. You frown as you watch down the hallway. You wonder if Yua will bother talking to you again.
It's a sad day.
(if: $D3Windowsill is true)[[[Remain sitting.->D3 Eve Remain Sitting]]](else:)[[[Grab a seat on the windowsill.->D3 Eve Grab Seat]]]
[[Leave the area.->D3 Eve Leave Windowsill]]You stand by your reaction. She //was// just trying to open up to you, but that openness was inappropriate as far as you're concerned. You do regret not helping Cassandra in time, but it's not fair to compare that to emotionally abusing a partner. It's not even remotely in the same category, and it's hard not to resent Yua for the comparison.
You're troubled by how she left, but not because of what you said to her. You wish she had stayed to talk it over with you instead of leaving it as an open conflict.
You stop to wonder if the comparison was fair. Was it justified? It makes you think about Cassandra, and that leaves you feeling vulnerable.
Hopefully Yua doesn't hate you.
(if: $D3Windowsill is true)[[[Remain sitting.->D3 Eve Remain Sitting]]](else:)[[[Grab a seat on the windowsill.->D3 Eve Grab Seat]]]
[[Leave the area.->D3 Eve Leave Windowsill]]"What is it?" you ask. You're mentally exhausted, but you decide it's worthwhile to listen to what she has to say.
Yua responds, "I think that you should keep living. You should live well."
"Even knowing what you know?" you ask. It's an unusual suggestion. It seems that way anyway.
"Well I don't know all of it," she responds. "But I like you, and I think you should process your guilt - just like I have to process my guilt."
You aren't sure how you should go about processing your guilt - thinking about it just makes you want to kill yourself. Maybe Yua has ideas. "How do you plan to do that?"
Yua shrugs. "I still don't know." She looks down at the floor. "I have to work on myself. I have to take it seriously. I think I can do it - for Ashley."
Hearing that deepens your self-loathing. There's nothing to salvage for you. It's already too late. "If only I had a second chance."
"Have you accepted what happened?" Yua responds.
[[Yes.->D3 Eve Yua Accepted Yes]]
[[No.->D3 Eve Yua Accepted No]]"Yua I don't mean any offense, but I think I'm getting tired. It's a hard conversation."
She nods. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to get so intense."
"It's fine." You're trying to reassure her, but the words don't come so easily. "I still respect you, for what that's worth."
"Yeah," she says. "I can see that. I want you to know that I respect you too." What she says is strange to you. It's confusing to have her acceptance. You tilt your head as you turn her way. She says, "You don't have to condemn yourself forever. You're allowed to live."
You nod. "I guess so. Thanks."
She lifts herself off the windowsill and gently lands on the floor. "Thanks for talking." (if: $D3Windowsill is true)[You watch her from your spot on the windowsill.](else:)[You watch her as she walks away.] She turns the corner and disappears.
(if: $D3Windowsill is true)[[[Remain sitting.->D3 Eve Remain Sitting]]](else:)[[[Grab a seat on the windowsill.->D3 Eve Grab Seat]]]
[[Leave the area.->D3 Eve Leave Windowsill]]"I have," you respond instinctively. "I think I have, anyway." It's one thing to accept what you've done, and it's another to have compassion for yourself. The two are not necessarily related, and it seems appropriate to hurt over this.
Yes - to hurt - but to die? You're not sure. You add, "That doesn't mean I accept myself."
Yua responds, "I think if you can - I don't know how. Believe me, I don't. I think it would be good, if you can find a way."
You nod quietly. (if: $D3Windowsill is true)[You press the back of your neck against the window as you push ahead. Your skin gently cools at the touch.](else:)[You drum your fingertips against the surface of the windowsill. The stimulation helps keep you here.] Yua says nothing more - not that your need her to.
Whether you accept yourself or not, you could sure use some mental calm right now.
(if: $D3Windowsill is true)[[[Continue.->D3 Eve Yua Both Windowsill]]](else:)[[[Continue.->D3 Eve Yua Only Windowsill]]]"I'm not sure that I have." Your resistance to seeing Cassandra's death from any other perspective may indicate a lack of acceptance. Your constant bargaining with the past leaves little room for properly mourning the loss of your friend. This process feels pointless and //exhausting.//
On another level you //want// to feel pain. It validates the guilt that you feel. "I'm afraid to feel better - I'm afraid to accept it."
"Why?" Yua asks.
Why indeed. You don't have an easy answer, but you try. "I don't want to pretend that what I did was OK," you say. It's either condemnation or condonation.
(if: $D3Windowsill is true)[You look over at Yua on the other side of the windowsill.](else:)[You look up at Yua from your spot on the ground.] She appears troubled. "I know that feeling," she says. "Please don't give up."
She slides off the windowsill and gives you a forced smile before leaving. She turns the corner and disappears from sight.
(if: $D3Windowsill is true)[[[Remain sitting.->D3 Eve Remain Sitting]]](else:)[[[Grab a seat on the windowsill.->D3 Eve Grab Seat]]]
[[Leave the area.->D3 Eve Leave Windowsill]]{
(set: $D3SawBlonde to true)
}You dangle your legs off the edge of the windowsill as you observe the happenings in the hall. You see a woman pacing in front of the nursing station - a young woman with brown skin and hair down to the middle of her back. She wears a hospital gown. You don't recognize her, and you wonder what her story is.
Not that you have to be dragging out everyone's story. You're not in a hurry to tell yours, usually, though you were surprised by Yua's warm and honest reaction. (if: $D3YuaUnhappy is true)[How much better are you than Yua? It's easy to judge her, but perhaps you have more in common than you think. It's painful to consider.](else:)[You think about what she said to you - that the doctors here are not equipped to deal with the problems you face. You wonder if you are. You wonder if anyone is.]
What right do you have to complain, though? What right do you have to anything?
Suddenly, Mike appears from the corner near you and walks closer.
[[Find out what he wants.->D3 Eve Kicked Off]]{
(set: $D3Windowsill to true)
}With Yua gone, there isn't much left to do. You could find Hazel. Hazel would distract you from the inner disquiet.
You consider that option briefly.
You press your hands against the windowsill and pull yourself up. You look to the floor ahead of you, and you see a pair of locked doors on the fair-end of the hall. Those are locked doors you'll be passing through one day, though you don't exactly know when.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Remain Sitting]](if: $D3KickOffWindowsill is not true and $D3Windowsill is true)[You press your hands down on both sides and hop down from the windowsill, landing on your feet.] You travel on foot away from the windowsill and in the direction of the nursing station. (if: $D3SawBlonde is true)[The woman you saw still paces near it.](else:)[A young woman with brown skin and long dark hair paces in front of it. She wears a hospital gown.]
(if: $D3YuaUnhappy is true)[You think about what Yua must be going through, and you almost feel badly for your reaction. Still, you can't cover up what you feel.](else:)[Despite her frustratingly didactic approach, Yua left you with plenty to think about. You can imagine how she must be feeling right now. You're conflicted, but you can still imagine it.] You glance into the common area as you walk past it. Hector hogs the TV again. (if: $Acute is true)[So they let him out too.]
As you walk by the nursing station, you hear the woman mutter to herself. You can't make out what she is saying in detail but you catch a couple words. "Formulary ... bullshit."
[[Say hello.->D3 Eve Lily Hello]]{
(set: $D3KickOffWindowsill to true)
}Mike walks up to you. "Hi Mike," you say.
He maintains his usual serious expression as he approaches you. He probably has something humourless to tell you. "You can't sit up there," he says.
"Why not?"
"It's not safe. Get down, come on."
You're already tired. It's not a great time to resist. You slide off of it and land firmly on your feet. He nods and turns around, heading in the direction of the nursing station. You watch as he walks away. You contemplate jumping up again when he's gone - it gives you some satisfaction to think about.
You decide against it ultimately. You walk in the direction of the nursing station. There isn't a particular reason you're walking that way. You just want to wander.
[[Walk.->D3 Eve Leave Windowsill]]{
(set: $D3KickOffWindowsill to true)
}You kick the wall beneath you with your heels. "This place saps my energy dry," you say.
"You should rest," Yua responds.
You are in hospital to rest. Well, maybe you are. When you actually think about it, you can't help feeling conflicted about the purpose of this hospital stay. Is it to rest? Is it to stay alive? Every doctor tells you to go to the ER if you're feeling suicidal. In the end, you're just doing what you think is the right thing regardless of what healing happens within.
"Do you think this place heals us?" you ask.
Immediately after you ask the question, a tall man turns the corner and approaches you. It's Mike. "Excuse me ladies. You can't be up there."
Yua responds, "Why not?"
Mike says, "It's not safe."
Yua glaces at you and you glance back. You both hop down. Mike is already on his way down the hall. Yua says, "I'm going to lie down. Don't be a stranger." She walks around the corner and disappears.
You decide to walk down the hallway in the direction of the nursing station.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Leave Windowsill]]You turn around and look out the window. You see the fluorescent lights reflect off the window while the city outside darkens. The towers begin to light up, as they do every night. You chuckle to yourself. Your day has been far from ordinary.
You see a figure behind you in the reflection. You turn around - it's Mike. He says, "Yua, you can't sit up there. It's not safe."
She responds, "You're the boss." She hops down, and her shoes clap as they connect with the floor. Mike turns around and walks away without saying a word.
Yua looks at you and shrugs her shoulders. "Gail wouldn't care."
You think back to Gail - your insensitive nurse from yesterday. "Does she //ever// care?" you ask.
Yua laughs. "You know - she's been really good to me. Maybe you got on her bad side."
She walks around to the corner and peers around it at you before disappearing completely. "Don't be a stranger, all right?"
You nod as she leaves. It has been an intense conversation. You start walking toward the nursing station. There's no reason to go there. It's just a direction to walk.
[[Walk down the hallway.->D3 Eve Leave Windowsill]]"Hey," you say to her.
She responds in a deep voice. "Hi."
"What's up?" you ask.
"Nothing," she responds. She continues to pace as if you never spoke to her.
She is clearly in distress, and you're not sure what to do. You want to lend a sympathetic ear, but if she won't talk then she won't talk. You have problems you need to focus on too.
Someone exits the nursing station. A female nurse. (if: $Acute)[She was your nurse in the back room!](else:)[You don't recognize her.]
"The answer is no, Lily," the nurse says. "It's not on the hospital formulary, so we cannot order it for you."
"That's it then?" Lily - you guess - responds.
The nurse says, "Every hospital is different, and that's how it works here." She turns around and opens the door to the nursing station.
Lily shouts, "This is //discrimination!//" But the nurse is already inside - ignoring the outburst.
(if: $Acute)[[["I've had that nurse. She's a total bitch."->D3 Eve Lily Nurse Bitch]]](else:)[[["Discrimination?"->D3 Eve Lily Discrimination]]
[["Are you OK?"->D3 Eve Lily OK]]]"Discrimination?" you ask.
"Never //mind,//" Lily responds as she walks off in the direction you came from. "Life is bullshit anyway." She proceeds down the hall and turns the corner when she reaches the end. You wonder why she didn't want to talk to you - then again, you're so tired right now that you're happy to have been spared.
[[Go to the common room.->D3 Eve Common Room]]"Are you OK?" you ask.
She looks over at you and shuts her eyes, turning her head away. "It doesn't matter how I am," she says. "Nobody cares." She walks off in the direction you came from.
You want to call out to her that you care, but you're so tired. (if: $Acute is true)[You //just// came out of the back room, too.](else:)[Yua's conversation was intense, and it wore you out.] You want to care, but you can't afford to right now.
[[Go to the common room.->D3 Eve Common Room]]You decide to relate to her experience. "I've had that nurse. She's a total bitch."
Her eyes connect with yours for a moment. "Walk with me," she says. You join her and slowly walk up the hall you just came from. "The staff don't care about human rights. Nor does Caroline."
You nod. "Wait, Caroline?" You don't want to assume who she's talking about.
"Didn't you say she was your nurse?"
"She never told me her name," you say.
"Lovely people here," Lily responds.
[["She isn't ordering a medication for you?"->D3 Eve Lily Medication]]
[["The staff don't care about human rights?"->D3 Eve Lily Human Rights]]You walk into the common area. Hector sits proudly at his throne - no patients occupy the couches near him. Perhaps Donna is the only one here not intimidated by him. It is clear - Hector is a bully. Donna isn't exactly a force to rally behind either, but the situation is what it is. You don't want to rock the boat too much after seeing that Hector is willing to fight for what he enjoys. The looming threat of the back room quells any further thoughts of fighting back.
Just leave him be. Let him live and die alone. That's the only way.
You look into the far back of the room. You spot Amara and Patricia sitting together. (if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[Sitting with them would be an option if Amara still liked you.](else:)[Perhaps you could visit with them.]
Hazel and Peter sit at an otherwise empty table more central in the room.
You spot Donna standing next to a window. She leans into it and has her eye set on Hector. Is she trying to intimidate him? Is she considering revenge? You can't say.
You think over your options.
(if: $D2BulliedAmara is not true)[[[Join Amara and Patricia.->D3 Eve Join Amara]]
][[Join Hazel and Peter.->D3 Eve Join Hazel]]
[[Join Donna.->D3 Eve Join Donna]]"She isn't ordering a medication for you?" You remember Caroline saying something to that effect.
"I take hormones, and the damn hospital won't order them."
[["That's outrageous."->D3 Eve Lily Outrageous]]
[["Wait, are you trans?"->D3 Eve Lily Trans]]
"The staff don't care about human rights?"
She shakes her head. "Isn't it obvious? How many whites do they put back there?" As she says this, she gestures to a set of double doors leading to the acute section - the back room.
You remember Hassun - the staff were so cruel to him. Was it because of his skin colour? The thought leaves you with a sense of unease. "I hadn't thought about it," you respond.
"Yeah. //No one// thinks about it. That's the problem." It stings a bit as though she was talking about you, but you remain silent. "They aren't ordering all of my medication."
"Pardon?" you ask.
"You heard me," she responds. "They stopped some of my meds. Apparently the pharmacy can't order them because they're not on the formulary."
[["The formulary?"->D3 Eve Lily Formulary]]
[["Why do you think they're doing this?"->D3 Eve Lily Believe]]"That's outrageous," you say.
"Call me outraged." Lily responds. Her breaths are deep and steady, as though she is straining to calm herself. "I feel so ... so illegitimate right now."
"Illegitimate?" you ask.
"Like who cares, you know? I'm just a fucking tranny." She looks away - still seething, but unwilling to let her face betray her. Her clenched fist trembles, and it seems like she's about to hit the wall.
The trembling stops. She unclenches her fist and lowers her arm. She turns back toward you. "It doesn't matter," she utters.
"What doesn't matter?" you ask.
"How I feel," she responds. "I could feel as strongly about this as I want, and it wouldn't make a difference. So why feel anything?"
You nod, and wonder the same about your own situation. Though you can't compare your own predicament to Lily's, you have used that logic to dissociate and ignore problems in front of you. And you can't help but wonder if this hospital trip is just your way of backbenching your feelings about Cassandra.
You try to think of something validating to say.
[["This sounds like discrimination."->D3 Eve Lily Sounds Like Discrimination]]
[["Bureaucracy is a pain."->D3 Eve Lily Bureaucracy Pain]]"Wait, are you trans?"
"Does it matter?" she responds. She exhales and waits a moment before continuing. "I am, but it doesn't matter."
"What do you mean?" you ask.
"They should be treating me like a //real person.// They should be treating this like any other medical intervention, and they're not." She clenches her fists as you both walk through the hall. "I don't matter."
"I think you matter," you say.
She gives you a half-smile. "Thanks, I guess. But that doesn't change anything."
While her reaction leaves you feeling shrugged-off, you can see her point. No amount of wishing on your behalf will resolve the problem Lily faces. It's not like the staff will listen to //you.// All you can do is empathize. You strain to find something to say.
[["This sounds like discrimination."->D3 Eve Lily Sounds Like Discrimination]]
[["Bureaucracy is a pain."->D3 Eve Lily Bureaucracy Pain]]"The formulary?" you ask, unfamiliar with the language Lily and Caroline were using.
"Yes. The formulary. A list of medicines the hospital pharmacy will order."
You nod. You've never had a similar problem, so it's news to you. "So it's not the staff up here - it's the whole hospital?"
Lily shakes her head. "If the staff really cared they would advocate for an exception." She pauses. "They aren't, 'case you're wondering."
It sounds awful, and you're not sure what to say in response. It sounds like a case where the system just isn't working very well. You can't help but wonder how frequently this comes up throughout the entire hospital and how staff deal with it then.
"What are the meds for?" you ask - struggling to believe that the hospital would stop treating a medical condition.
"I'm trans," she responds.
[["Wait - you mean they stopped your hormones?"->D3 Eve Lily Stopped Hormones]]
[["This sounds like discrimination."->D3 Eve Lily Sounds Like Discrimination]]
[["Bureaucracy is a pain."->D3 Eve Lily Bureaucracy Pain]]It sounds like Lily has another theory. You decide to inquire. "Why do you think they're doing this?"
"I think they don't want to give them to me, and they're just hiding behind the formulary as an excuse." she responds.
The response baffles you for a moment. Why wouldn't the hospital want to continue her medication as prescribed? "Why would they do that?" you ask.
"Because I'm transgender," she responds.
[["Wait - you mean they stopped your hormones?"->D3 Eve Lily Stopped Hormones]]
[["This sounds like discrimination."->D3 Eve Lily Sounds Like Discrimination]]
[["Bureaucracy is a pain."->D3 Eve Lily Bureaucracy Pain]]"Wait - you mean they stopped your hormones?"
"Yes," she says. "They put me on a fucking form, but they won't give me the medicine I need. How's that for our marvelous healthcare system?"
It seems unbelievable to you. How could people let this happen? Even the nurses refusing to take action feels absurd. Can't they at least advocate? Why is their default action to deny care? "I'm sorry, Lily." You don't know what else to say.
You both stop walking when you reach the corner. "It's fine. You're not the one doing this to me." She looks down to her feet. She looks back at you. "I'm not going to die," she says. "Being unwelcome here isn't going to kill me. I'll just bide my time."
You shake your head as she starts to turn away. You speak quickly, "Is there nothing I can do?"
She looks your way again and forces a smile. "If you think you can change their minds, go nuts. I doubt your words will do much, and besides you look tired." You reach up and touch your face for a moment, feeling for the bags under your eyes. "I'm tired too. I'm going to rest. Thanks for the talk."
She walks off in the direction of her room. You watch her disappear around the corner.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Approach Hallway Alone]]"This sounds like discrimination."
"Yeah, sounds like." Her reaction feels sarcastic, and you're not entirely sure where to go from there. You're //trying// to empathize, but there is no way you can help her. She then adds, "Sorry, I'm not trying to be a bitch. I'm just angry."
You nod. "It's OK. I know I can't help."
"Yeah, I'm not asking you to. And really, I've got bigger problems than this."
"Bigger problems?" you ask.
"Don't you?" she responds, and it leads you to think back to how you came in here. The state you were in - feeling lost and confused and unworthy of life. You threw yourself at the system desperately, hoping it would breathe life into you once again. You're still waiting for that to happen.
"Yes," you say. "I think I know what you mean."
"Thanks for the talk," she says as she turns down the corner. "Maybe we'll talk again later."
You do not follow her. You stand at the intersection and watch her walk away.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Approach Hallway Alone]]"Bureaucracy is a pain."
"//Bureaucracy?//" she responds sharply. "You think bureaucracy is to blame?"
You step a few inches away from her. "Well, it sounds like the issue is caught up in bureaucracy."
"And whose responsibility is that?" she fires back. "Am I supposed to just relax happily while the staff collectively puts their heads up their asses?"
"That's not what I meant," you say, but you know it won't help.
"I just want you to //think// about what you're saying. I'm not doing my damn taxes. This isn't 'bureaucracy' that's failing me. It's a //discriminatory policy.//"
[["I'm sorry. You're right."->D3 Eve Lily Sorry Right]]
[["I just mean it wasn't //intended// to discriminate against you."->D3 Eve Lily Not Intended]]
As she says it, you realize the depth of your mistake. "I'm sorry. You're right." Your heart races. You're anxious not to say the wrong thing - you're anxious having already said the wrong thing. Perhaps it's better to listen.
"This entire system was designed to serve one kind of patient. A white hetero cis man. You know this happens to women on birth control?"
You eyes narrow as she says that. You hadn't considered how you might be a target of these regressive policies. "That's horrifying," you say.
She nods. "Yup. Fuck feminine hormones. You can make those //yourself.//"
Yes. The hospital categorically refuses to provide hormone replacement, even when it would be continuing therapy prescribed by another doctor. It's almost a complete refusal to provide healthcare to women. It //is// a refusal.
You both reach the corner at the end of the hall. Lily looks toward you and forces a smile. "Maybe we'll talk later. I'm going to lie down."
You smile back and watch as she walks away.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Approach Hallway Alone]]{
(set: $D3LilyUpset to true)
}"I just mean it wasn't //intended// to discriminate against you."
She stops walking and turns to face you. "Oh really?"
You stumble on your words. "Yeah - I mean - yeah, they don't know how to deal with special cases."
She exhales slowly and shakes her head. "Think about what you're saying."
"Can't you see that this is no one's fault?" You almost feel like you're digging your own grave in this one.
"You're making excuses for a system - an institution - that was only ever built to serve the needs of white hetero cis men. The fact that people like //you// consider me a special case - a fucking outlier - just furthers my point." She turns away and keeps walking around the corner. "Leave me the fuck alone."
You stand in the hallway alone.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Approach Hallway Alone]]{
(set: $D3JoinedAmara to true)
}You smile at Hazel as you pass her. She smiles back. You proceed to the back of the room. Patricia waves at you as you approach the two. She calls out, "Hi Jessica!"
"Hello!" you respond.
Amara looks up, smiles at you, and resumes looking down at the table again.
"Pull up a chair," Patricia suggests, and you do just that. "Don't take it personally, what that lady out there said to you."
[["I wouldn't dream of it."->D3 Eve Amara Wouldn't Dream]]
[["You were listening?"->D3 Eve Amara You Listening]]You walk over to Hazel and Peter's table. Peter is in the middle of talking as you approach. "I'm just saying that she has a case. I'm not saying she'll win in here, but she //will// win in the courts."
Hazel catches you eye and smiles. "Jess! Come here!" She pats the seat next to her.
You approach the two and sit down. You feel awkward about barging into their conversation. "What's up?" you ask.
Hazel smiles. "So glad you asked. Sounds like you were caught in the line of fire."
It takes you a moment to realize what she's talking about. It didn't occur to you that anyway would have noticed - or cared about - what happened between you and Lily. "Oh, you mean Lily? Out there?"
"Whatever her name was," she responds.
Peter then insists. "It's //Lily//."
"I'm not good with names!" she responds defensively.
Peter then continues his earlier thought. "She was denied her hormones. It's an //obvious// human rights abuse."
Hazel then responds, "Well, look around you! What //isn't// a human rights abuse in here? It's not like any of us will ever see justice."
[["Lily might."->D3 Eve Hazel Lily Might]]
[["It's true - there isn't much recourse."->D3 Eve Hazel It's True]]You walk over to the windows near the couches and TV where Donna stands. As you approach, Hector is behind you. You can't shake the feeling that you're being watched. You can't shake the feeling that you're taking sides in a dispute you never belonged in.
Donna smiles as you walk toward her. "Hello there."
"Hi," you say. You pick out a spot leaning against a window adjacent to Donna. You both watch Hector occupying the couches. He sits alone, and you suspect he doesn't mind. The loneliness probably doesn't even register, for him.
Donna says, "Lovely day to get bitched at for no reason, isn't it?"
You look into her eyes, unsure of how to respond to that. Finally you ask, "What do you mean?"
"Out in the hall just now," she responds. "That girl wouldn't shut up."
You find Donna's approach rather jarring, but you're not exactly surprised by her attitude. If there's anything her outburst at lunch has taught you, it's that she's really self-involved. You ask, "What was it?" You don't feel confident speaking up for the woman right now.
"Lily, out there. They aren't giving her hormones, and she's flipping out."
"Right," you respond. That makes sense. You wonder if Lily is transgender - not that it matters, honestly.
Donna says, "I'm not getting my damn hormones either."
[["Wait - are you trans too?"->D3 Eve Donna Trans Too]]
[["Why won't the hospital dispense hormones?"->D3 Eve Donna Why Not Hormones]]"Lily might," you say. You're not //fully// convinced of this, but it sounds like the hospital will definitely have to explain their position. "If she's being denied hormones, it's definitely discrimination."
Hazel says, "Aren't we //all// being discriminated against for being crazy?"
Peter jumps in. "Hazel - I keep trying to tell you that it's //not// the same thing. At all. Not even remotely."
Hazel shakes her head. "Look, just because you're a crossdresser-"
Peter fires back. "You are //not// going there. This isn't about me or what I am." (if: $D3KnowPeterCrossdresses is not true)[It takes a moment for you to process what just happened. Peter's anger intensified sharply. It must have been Hazel's indiscretion.]
She responds, "I have no issue with what you are."
"I told you this //privately!//" (if: $D3KnowPeterCrossdresses is true)[You already know - Peter told you - but you can see why Peter is angry.]
[["It's OK Peter. I don't care. Honestly."->D3 Eve Hazel Don't Care]]
[["Hazel - really?"->D3 Eve Hazel Really]]"It's true - there isn't much recourse," you say. It only reminds you of how powerless //you// feel in this system. Considering that the powers that be can descend anytime, and it's always your word against theirs, you don't see much empowerment in this situation. "Will any of us actually see justice?"
Peter quickly fires back. "Look, I don't like it here either, but this would be reflected in her //medical records.// She could sue, and it's an easy win."
Hazel then responds, "They could blot it out - censor it from her records."
Peter shakes his head. "The hospital would be in for worse if they did that."
Hazel says, "I'm just saying they're //not// going to make this easy. They'll say whatever bullshit they want to pin this on her."
Peter responds, "//Everyone// does that when they're sued. You treat it like a tantrum. If there's no legal defense, there's no defense."
Hazel's expression is serious - troubled - but she says nothing. You're really not sure why she's arguing this one. It seems pointless, and you already regret chipping in what you had.
[["I don't see the point of this argument."->D3 Eve Hazel No Point]]
[["I hope they do the right thing."->D3 Eve Hazel Right Thing]]"I don't see the point of this argument," you say.
As soon as you say it, Hazel and Peter speak in unison. "We're not arguing!"
You raise your hands, palm-outward, to about the height of your chest so as to assert your own space. "OK," you say. "No arguments here. Got it."
The table grows silent. You and Hazel exchange glances. Then Hazel and Peter. Then Peter and you. And the cycle goes. Hazel then utters, "I hate this place so much."
Peter nods. You nod. And the silence grows more comfortable as time passes. The three of you enjoy a human presence - a shared companionship.
It won't be long before that reality is shattered. The nurses will come in. They'll tell you how it's going to be. They'll bring you meds and put you to bed. And once in bed, you'll all remember a time - seemingly so far ago - when you each put yourselves to bed, when no one was telling you what to do.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Hazel End]]"I hope they do the right thing," you say softly. They both remain silent and look toward you. "I hope at least one of them has a conscience."
Peter and Hazel look down at the table, and they both have their arms crossed. You cross your arms too and join in the synergy.
Peter says, "I'd imagine right now that no one wants to own this problem. They hope that by ignoring it, it will go away."
You look at him from across the table. "So if Lily keeps pressing..."
"...they'll have to do something," Peter responds. "Today they can hide behing the hospital pharmacy, but eventually they'll have to own what they're doing."
"What does that mean?" you ask.
"Either they decide they're actually going to deny her rights, or they'll start advocating for her. Lily just has to press them to choose."
You aren't sure how you feel about Peter's theory. He speaks with an inflated confidence, as though he //knows// the ins and outs. But lots of men do, and from your observations, it seems like the hospital staff have already made up their mind. What more can Lily do?
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Hazel End]]It was private - Peter's words echo in your mind. You wonder how private it actually is. (if: $D3KnowPeterCrossdresses is true)[Peter seemed to tell you with ease during dinner.](else:)[Afterall, how long has Peter known Hazel?] Still, you wonder what you could say that might help. You go for reassurance. "It's OK Peter. I don't care. Honestly."
Peter nods. "I didn't think you cared," he says. "I just..."
Hazel then says, "Sorry Peter. I should have been more careful."
Peter then responds, "It's not just that. No one has empathy for the others, and we //are// the others. All of us." You and Hazel both nod. "We need to have Lily's back on this."
"How do you figure?" you ask.
"I don't know," he says. "Protest? We should do //something.//"
Hazel shakes her head. "No, no, no. My hearing is coming up, and I //can't// do anything to fuck that up."
Peter nods. "I understand. I guess it was a silly idea anyway."
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Hazel End]]"Hazel - really?" You look toward Hazel beside you. It takes a moment to realize you're giving her a dirty look.
(if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[Hazel looks over at you. Then she looks back at Peter. "Sorry," she says to him. "I shouldn't have said that."](else:)[Hazel looks over at you and her eyes narrow. "Come //on//," she says. "Like //you're// perfect."
You look back in her direction. "What do you mean?"
"I saw the look you gave me when I told you I'm borderline. I'm not stupid." While you never tried to say that she was stupid, your face immediately flushes red.
You respond, "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Just stop acting like you're //better.// It was a mistake." She turns to Peter. "I'm sorry."]
Peter responds, "It doesn't matter. It's not that big a secret anyway." (if:$D3KnowPeterCrossdresses is true)[Indeed - it didn't take much for him to share it with you.](else:)[You can't help but wonder if he's brushing it off - deliberately not addressing her.] Still, Hazel ought to be more cautious.
You force a smile in Peter's direction. It was good of Hazel to apologize, at least. You worry your reaction was somewhat harsh. Hazel can be frustrating at times, but she means well.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Hazel End]]You sit in silence with Hazel and Peter for a few minutes. You take a few deep, careful breaths as you assess the silence among your companions.
It's a heated situation. These abusive policies are crushing you all, in reality, but it's still shocking to see them work against a marginalized person. The impact is deeper - it's surreal. You still wonder how Hazel could argue about this - how could she not see this?
Then again, Hazel faces a hearing that questions her right to self-determination - her right to consent to care. It must be difficult to focus on anything but that at the moment. You decide it's probably best not to judge her reaction to this situation.
"This place is horrible," you say. There isn't much more to add. Peter and Hazel nod slowly. The remaining energy at the table is somewhat dead and tired.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Amara Shout]]"I wouldn't dream of it," you respond. "I know what it's like to deal with staff here. Having needs is //such// an inconvenience to them."
Patricia responds, "Yup. They act like they're doing you a favour by just humouring your requests."
You nod at Patricia and look over at Amara. Their arms are folded together as they lean inward against the table. It's their eyes, though, that tell you the most.
They are furious. They take a deep breath and begin to speak.
[[Listen to Amara.->D3 Eve Amara Speaks]]"You were listening?"
Patricia nods. "That there? It's been going on for a while. It's hard to tune it out."
You nod. "I - I don't know if I understand what's happening," you say. You do understand some of it. Lily seeks a medication that the hospital doesn't offer. Besides that, you're low on details.
Patricia chimes in, "There isn't much to understand. The staff doesn't care about human rights." Naturally, this leaves you more curious about what you don't understand.
You resist the urge to ask for details. In the resistance - the silence - you catch Amara breathing heavily. Furious. They take a deep breath and prepare to speak.
[[Listen to Amara.->D3 Eve Amara Speaks]]The first thing they say is relatively quiet. "They can't do this," Amara says. They take two more breaths and then speak louder. "I //knew// this place was dangerous."
Patricia says, "Amara, chill."
The strength of Amara's voice stresses you - you're used to them as a lighter presence in the room. Their growing rage dominates your small group at the table. They speak again. "My sister //told me// the hospital would look after me. She //told me// that this was a safe place. She //lied!//"
You look up and see a nurse standing in the doorway observing the room. It feels as though there are eyes on you. You try to block that feeling away. It's not helpful.
Patricia says, "Amara. Please. She was doing her best."
Amara shoots back, "If it's so safe here, then why did they take away her hormones?" Her hormones? You wonder if Lily is trans. The anger shakes you too, but you sit quietly.
Patricia responds, "I don't know, Amara."
Amara shouts, "These are //my// people. They have no right. I hate this place!"
[[Warn Amara that the nurse is watching.->D3 Eve Amara Warn]]
[[Validate Amara's anger.->D3 Eve Amara Validate]]{
(set: $D3AmaraSnaps to true)
}"Amara," you say. "Please be quiet. That nurse is watching us."
Amara looks up and narrows their eyes as they look at you. "Do you think I care what some fucking nurse thinks? //Do you?//"
They push away from the table, rise, and quickly walk out of the room. The nurse standing at the door steps out of the way to let Amara walk by. She then leaves as they do. To follow them, maybe? You aren't sure. You decide not to worry about it right now.
You look at Patricia. She stares back.
[["Didn't think Amara would drop the f-bomb."->D3 Eve Patricia F Bomb]]
[["Sorry."->D3 Eve Patricia Sorry]]{
(set: $D3AmaraFine to true)
}For everyone's sake you keep an eye out. It leaves you slightly distracted as you collect your thoughts. Despite the reaction, you try your best to validate Amara's feelings. "What the hospital is doing is truly awful," you say.
"The hospital," Amara says. They repeat the word a few more times. "Hospital. The whole hospital conspires."
You nod. It's a system problem after all with no one individual to blame. "I hope it can be sorted out," you say.
Amara forces out a laugh. "Yeah of course. Discrimination is just something to be sorted out."
The tension wraps around your gut as you listen to Amara's reaction. On some level you want to have faith in the system - that it will, eventually, do the right thing. But for now this system has forced a patient into self-advocacy for something that ought to be a basic right.
What if Lily didn't fight it at all? You try to imagine arriving here, at the lowest point in your life, only to be fighting for medicine that you need to live. You wonder where she finds the energy. You wonder if you would have had the energy to do the same.
[["I'm glad she's fighting it."->D3 Eve Amara Glad Fighting]]
[["I hope they're not too hard on her."->D3 Eve Amara Hope Not Hard]]You cross your arms and sit in silence with your companions. There's nothing to say. There's nothing to do. There never is, in here. The reminders of this are constant, but you try to push it away. It doesn't help.
You hear some shouting from a neighbouring table. "I don't //care// what you say. This place is not safe for us!" You realize you can't quite determine who's shouting. It takes you a moment as you look in the direction of the noise.
It's Amara. They are already on their way out of the room, and a desperate Patricia follows close. "Amara - Amara, wait," she calls out as they both walk out of the room.
Hazel frowns. "I never heard them get so upset."
You nod.
Peter nods. Peter says, "Amara might be taking it personally." That's true. Amara is genderqueer, and the hospital is effectively saying that trans and non-binary folk are unwelcome here.
"There's no way not to take it personally," you say, and Peter nods in agreement.
Hazel mutters under her breath, "I fucking hate this place."
In the distance you notice a man approaching your table. It's a nurse. It's Mike. He holds a pill cup and a cup of water. "Hey there, Jessica. Can you come with me?"
He phrased it as a question, but yes is the only answer. You nod, rise, and follow him into the hall. When you reach your room, you walk inside.
[[Talk to Mike in your room.->D3 Eve Mike Inside Room]]"Sorry," you say meekly as you look down at the table.
Patricia shakes her head. "What were you //thinking// - how insensitive do you have to be?"
"I'm sorry?" you respond. You can't imagine how you were being insensitive - Patricia's attitude makes no sense to you. You just didn't want Amara to get into trouble.
"You just don't get it," Patricia says. "That nurse? She wasn't even Amara's nurse, but there you go telling them that they're being watched. You really don't see the problem with that?"
[["I do now. Sorry."->D3 Eve Patricia See Problem]]
[["I honestly don't."->D3 Eve Patricia Honestly Don't]]{
(set: $D3AmaraFBomb to true)
}"Didn't think Amara would drop the f-bomb," you say, hoping to lighten the mood.
Patricia snaps, "What the fuck do you know about Amara?"
"I'm sorry?"
Patricia sighs. "Great move, jackass. I liked the part where you told them they're being watched. Classy as all hell." Patricia rises from the table. "Now I've got to go make sure they're OK. Do us a solid and stay out of it next time."
Stay out of it? You're not sure what Patricia means. Should you have not sat with them? Or was it the the part where you pointed out the nurse standing in the doorway?
You were just trying to warn them. Was that so bad?
[[Continue.->D3 Eve F-bomb Mike Approach Alone]]"I do now. Sorry."
You close your arms together as you reflect on what just happened - on what Patricia is trying to say. You're not in the mood to clarify, but your best guess is that Amara deals with paranoia. What you said was triggering. What else could it have been?
Patricia speaks. "Don't apologize to //me.// Anyway, I have to go make sure they're OK."
Patricia rises and leaves without another utterance. You remain at the table. Your face swells with shame.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Approach Alone]]"I honestly don't," you say.
Patricia throws up her arms. "Seriously?" She watches you a moment before speaking again. "Amara is //paranoid// right now. They don't need that shit."
You pull back as you watch her angry eyes. "Paranoid?"
"//Yes.// Think about that the next time you tell someone they're being watched." Patricia pushes her chair back and rises. She starts walking away. "I'm going to make sure they're all right," she says as she circles the end of the table and proceeds toward the exit.
You wonder if Patricia's devotion to Amara is healthy - wouldn't it make more sense to focus on herself? You shrug it off. She can do what she wants. It's none of your business.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Approach Alone]]"I'm glad she's fighting it."
Amara makes eye contact with you. "Of course she's fighting it. What else did you expect?"
Amara's anger throws you a bit. You still aren't used to them responding this way - you normally expect them to be calm and restrained, but right now it seems like they're picking at everything that comes out of your mouth. "I'm not sure what else I expected," you say, hoping it is enough to deflect.
Amara then says, "You don't mess with trans people. We don't take shit."
You nod. Indeed. The profanity throws you a bit. It's not so much that you mind their cursing - you don't particularly care - but it's just not what you expect from them.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Amara Present Mike Approaches]]"I hope they're not too hard on her."
Amara shakes their head. "It doesn't matter. I'm never coming back here."
You aren't sure you can take a similar stance. The hospital is where you go when you have no other options - right? You wonder sometimes if it's always the right thing to do. Doctors and therapists will tell you that it is, but they do so without knowing the full picture. Who out there, besides the patients, truly knows what this experience is like?
Amara presses their hands down on the table. "I should just leave. I should get out of here."
Leave? "But aren't you on a form?" you ask.
Amara nods. "The moment they let me outside, I am gone. I don't care anymore."
"OK," you respond. There is little sense in talking them out of it, and it honestly isn't your problem if they leave. It's the hospital's responsibility. You resolve to keep their plan to yourself. You watch Patricia's face, understanding that she agrees too.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Amara Present Mike Approaches]]Alone and ashamed, you listen to the mumbles and chatter in the room around you. Could you have handled things better? Probably, but it feels like the odds are stacked against you. You //tried// to do a good thing by warning Amara, but in reality you had no reliable way to assess the threat posed by the nurse.
What did you think she was going to do anyway? Lock Amara in the back room because they're upset? //Everyone// in here is upset. It's something you all have in common. They'd have to lock everyone back there, and they wouldn't. Would they?
You prepare to bury your head in your hands, but in the distant corner of your vision you see a familiar figure approach. It's Mike. He holds a pill cup and some water.
He walks up to you. "Jessica - hi. Do you mind coming to your room for a check-in?"
You nod, and you follow him to the hallway, through the hallway, and into your room.
[[Talk to Mike in your room.->D3 Eve Mike Inside Room]]There's nothing you can do to help. You wish there was, but it's not like the nurses will talk to you about Lily. There isn't much you can say either. You can register your disgust, potentially, but you're not sure what that will accomplish. It would piss off the staff maybe.
You turn in the direction of your room, and you see Mike approaching in the distance. He holds a pill cup and meets your eyes. He calls out, "Mind if we talk in here?" He gestures to your room.
As you walk toward your door, you hear a voice shouting in the distance. "I don't //care// what you say. This place is not safe for us!" Amara speed-walks out of the common room and storms down the hall. They are visibly distraught.
As they get closer to passing you, you notice Patricia following them. "Amara - Amara, wait."
You're occupied with Mike, so you decide to let it go. You head inside your room, and he follows closely behind you.
[[Talk to Mike in your room.->D3 Eve Mike Inside Room]]You settle down on your bed with your eyes set on Mike. He passes you the pill cup and water. You look at the pill - mirtazapine, your medicinal savior - and you notice that it looks a bit different. It's larger than your last one.
Of course it's bigger. Dr. Wagner increased your medication. "30 milligrams of mirtazapine?" you ask.
Mike nods. You down it with a gulp of water and hand the cups back to Mike. He takes them from you and sets them on the desk - after which he drags the desk chair over and settles in.
You watch him and wait for him to talk.
(if: $Acute is true)[[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Fight]]](else:)[[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Ask]]]It wasn't your wisest moment. You shouldn't have made fun of Amara's language. They were clearly in distress. It was particularly foolish to make fun of them to Patricia, who seems to be their closest friend and ally - in here, at least. Perhaps you would have done better to sit with Hazel, but you can't change anything now.
Despite your attempts to quiet your mind, you can't stop thinking that you were //just// trying to help. Amara seems quite unreasonable in this situation. How many hospital environments have they experienced anyway? You've been all around.
As you sit and continue to think about your situation and what just unfolded in front of you, you spot a figure approaching you in the distance. You squint to focus your eyes, and you see that he's Mike.
Your nurse approaches. He holds a pill cup and some water. He stops in front of you. "Hey Jessica. Want to come back to your room so we can chat?"
He technically asked, but you know it's actually an instruction. You nod, stand up, and walk with him out of the common room. You proceed though the ward to your room, and you head in.
[[Talk to Mike in your room.->D3 Eve Mike Inside Room]]You look back and forth from Amara to Patricia and then Amara again. You look down at your hands and resist the temptation to chew on your fingernails.
Amara is definitely affected by what is happening - more than you originally would have guessed. You suppose that being genderqueer indicates a certain level of unspoken kinship with others who do not fit so neatly in the gender binary. You lack that same sense of kinship, but you still acknowledge their struggles along with the misogyny inherent to the system.
It's hard enough to balance out your own frustrations against whatever sense of help you receive in this place. What can you truly expect from an experience that deprives you of personal agency? You don't know. You honestly don't know. You expected help. You expected a safe environment. Were your expectations justified? Were they fair and reasonable?
Patricia looks up. "Someone's coming."
You look up too. It's Mike, your nurse. He approaches the table. He holds a pill cup and a cup of water. "Jessica, can I borrow you for a moment?"
You nod. It's not like you have a choice. You rise from the table and give your companions a gentle smile. You wave as you walk away.
You follow Mike into the hallway. You follow him to your room, and you head inside.
[[Talk to Mike in your room.->D3 Eve Mike Inside Room]]"Wait - are you trans too?"
Donna raises an eyebrow and she fires you a bewildered look. "Excuse me?" As she asks this, you realize how loaded your question was - a question you thought was mere curiosity
"I was just wondering if you're transgender," you ask again, warily this time.
"What do you take me for?" she asks in response. She shakes her head as if you had asked her something terrible. "I am //not// trans."
"Wait," you start. You pause a moment, hoping that your reaction won't be offensive. It probably is, but you're still curious. "Why do you take hormones?" you ask.
"Menopause," she responds. "Menopause is a bitch."
Indeed. Menopause is not something you normally think about. You try not to, actually. Still, something bothers you about how Donna responded to you. She almost seemed //angry// at you for thinking she might be trans.
[["There's nothing wrong with being trans though."->D3 Eve Donna Nothing Wrong Trans]]
[["Don't you think what Lily's fighting for is worth it?"->D3 Eve Lily Fighting Worth It]]"Why won't the hospital dispense hormones?"
Donna shrugs. "They never gave me a reason. They just don't. That's how it's always been."
You wonder how a hospital could uphold this discriminatory policy for so long. It's surprising that Donna hasn't challenged them on it, given her temperment.
Donna fills the silence. "They don't respond well to bickering. I wish Lily would keep quiet. It'd be better for her." Then again, maybe it's not so surprising - the power divide between staff and patients is awfully clear, and Donna has more respect for authority than you can muster. You're still confused about how someone who started a fight with //Hector// of all people won't go up against staff. It's a bizarre mode of conflict aversion that you just can't understand.
[["Don't you think what Lily's fighting for is worth it?"->D3 Eve Lily Fighting Worth It]]
[["Why don't you fight it?"->D3 Eve Lily Why Don't Fight]]As you sense an emerging prejudice, you decide to tell Donna where you stand. "There's nothing wrong with being trans though," you say. You don't trust that your words will change her mind, but it feels better to say so in this case.
"I never said I //hated// them. There are //many// reasons that women take hormones, you know." There is obviously some resentment here over what you asked her, but you try to understand. It is perhaps true that it was unfair of you to assume that Donna was trans. You start to wonder if Lily is trans too - was your thinking muddled by baseless assumptions?
"Yes. Lots of valid reasons," you say. It makes sense to validate what she said. You don't want to feed an argument.
Donna gives you a smug grin. "It's the first time anyone has ever asked me that."
"If you're trans?"
"Yes." She nods, and lets out some suppressed laughter. "You're strange, you know that?"
You laugh nervously as you shrug your shoulders. The sudden change of mood throws you off a little, but you welcome the settling of tensions. Donna is who Donna is. Nothing you can say or do will change that.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Donna Silence]]Donna's attitude toward Lily is troubling, especially when they are both being denied the exact same medicine. "Don't you think what Lily's fighting for is worth it?" you ask her.
"Worth it?" Donna laughs for a moment. "Why do you say that?"
"Neither of you are getting hormones," you say. "What if Lily changes that?"
"She won't," Donna responds shortly. "At best, she might get a special exception just to shut her up." You //still// find Donna's reaction to be quite harsh, and you start to wonder if she isn't somewhat envious of Lily for having the energy to fight.
All you can do is speculate. There is no way to accuse Donna of envy without also getting her back up, and you're not in the mood to have this angry energy directed at you.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Donna Silence]]You still can't understand why Donna accepts this situation. "Why don't you fight it?" you ask.
Donna shakes her head. "The hospital is temporary. I just have to deal until it's over."
You aren't satisfied with this response. In fact, you are very confused by Donna's attitude. "But Donna, you've been here before, right?"
Donna nods. "Why is that relevant?"
"I'm just trying to understand."
Donna shakes her head. "Look, girl. I'm not saying it's //right.// I'm saying it's not worth fighting for. There's a subtle difference that your young mind refuses to see. And that goes for Lily, too."
You bite your tongue. You don't know if you should be surprised at Donna's response, but you do your best to accept it. At the very least, you try to accept where Donna is coming from, although you feel a growing resentment over the ageism coming your way.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Donna Silence]]A quiet, awkward pause hangs over as you both rest against the windows with eyes fixed on Hector. You wonder what he must think of Lily's situation. You still have that image of him stuck in your head - a vulnerable man crying in front of the nursing station.
He probably doesn't care about Lily one bit. Honestly, he is probably just thinking about himself. How hard is it to have compassion for others?
Still, you don't know everything going on with him. You don't know what he's actually going through. You'd normally try not to judge, but he is such an abrasive person. His presence leaves you miserable, and you're sure you're not the only one.
[["What do you suppose he does when he's not here?"->D3 Eve Donna Hector Does]]
[["What do you do when you're not here?"->D3 Eve Donna Does]]With eyes on Hector, you do wonder how he navigates the outside world. "What do you suppose he does when he's not here?" you ask.
Donna shakes her head. "He's on welfare and lives with his dad. It's a damn shame."
"Why is it a shame?" You worry that you'll regret asking. You aren't so far from being on assistance yourself.
"Why should he get welfare if his dad pays for everything? It all goes to alcohol on the taxpayer's dime." You wonder if some of this isn't conjecture. What does Donna actually know about Hector's life? You suppose it was a strange thing to ask Donna, but you'd rather not ask Hector directly.
And what would life be without a little bit of gossip? So many people in here are on social assistance that if Donna isn't, she'd be an odd one out. So you aren't //too// threatened by her attitudes in this space.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Donna Mike Approaches.]]While you considered talking to Donna about Hector, you don't really care to know details of his personal life. You //are// talking to Donna afterall. "What do you do when you're not here?" you ask.
"I live a really quiet life, honestly." Donna seems to appreciate being asked. You're not surprised.
She didn't tell you much, however. You decide to dig for more. "OK, but what do you do for a living?"
Donna lets out a gentle laugh. "I worked in a call centre before getting sick. Good thing I had insurance." Ah. She's on long-term disability, so she's doing better than most. For now, anyway.
"God bless insurance," you respond.
"Well, I paid into it!" she says, unashamed. "The PTSD is really awful sometimes."
You nod. It sounds awful. You're tempted to ask more about that, but every question you have seems rude - like unnecessary prying. You remember what she shouted before the fight with Hector. Violence, war. There's a lot she hasn't told you.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Donna Mike Approaches.]]You stand with Donna in silence some more. Hector-watching gets old really fast. He doesn't do much except hog the the television and couches. You aren't sure why Donna fought with him earlier. Then again, she strikes you as a very //proud// person.
Suddenly a voice calls out from across the room. "I don't //care// what you say. This place is not safe for us!" You look over to the source of the noise, and you see Amara speed-walking toward the exit.
Patricia follows them closely behind. "Amara - Amara, wait." You watch the two as they leave the common room. You look back at Donna.
"Amara's an odd fellow," she says - though you don't find Amara stranger than usual, especially for someone in the ward.
"I wonder what upset them," you say.
Donna responds, "Why does everyone use //they// when talking about Amara?"
"I respect pronouns," you respond. Donna just shakes her head. You continue to wonder if Donna cares about trans people - or if she cares about anyone, for that matter.
You see a nurse walk through the door to the common room. It's Mike. He approaches you with a pill cup and water.
"Can you come with me for a minute?" he asks.
You oblige - Donna is starting to get on your nerves anyway. You follow Mike into the hallway to your room. When you arrive, you walk inside.
[[Talk to Mike in your room.->D3 Eve Mike Inside Room]]You make eye-contact, and he watches you without blinking. "You got in a fight," he says through drained empathy.
[["Yes, I did."->D3 Eve Mike Fight Agree]]
[["Hello to you, too."->D3 Eve Mike Fight Sass]]
[["I was trying to protect Donna."->D3 Eve Mike Fight Excuse]]"How was your day?" he asks.
You shrug. "Fine," you say.
(if: $D3StartForm is true)[[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Start Form]]](else-if: $D3StopForm is true)[[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Stop Form]]](else:)[[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike General]]]"Yes, I did." There's no way to dance around it - you've been through this before. Mike will say his bit, and you will pretend to care.
"Jessica, this can't happen again."
You nod.
"You're lucky your doctor didn't discharge you."
(if: $Formed is true)[
A threat of discharge would be irresponsible, given that you're not a voluntary patient. "I'm on a form," you say, rather automatically, though you're not sure what point you're trying to make.
Mike responds with one word, "Still." //Still// - as though your comment was irrelevant. You decide to ignore him. He isn't making any sense.
](else:)[
In that moment you think about Cassandra. You wonder about what Yua was trying to tell you. (if: $D3YuaUnhappy is true)[Perhaps you were too quick to judge her actions. The urge to condemn - to other - is close to your heart, you suppose. Rejecting yourself was only the beginning.](else:)[Is self-condemnation ever a form of justice? Would it be an insult to Cassandra's memory to simply move on?]
You wonder if discharge from the hospital would be an adequate punishment for your crimes. Not that you deserved to be punished over your fight with Hector, of course, but you //crave// punishment over Cassandra.
]
After a pause you say, "I won't fight anymore. I already told Dr. Wagner that. But if you're going to throw me out, please just do it now."
Mike exhales and shakes his head. "Let's just move on."
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Safe Tonight]]You've had this conversation enough times, with enough people, and it simply does not interest you anymore. You can't resist a little sass. "Hello to you, too," you say.
"Jessica, please tell me you're taking this seriously."
"I am," you respond. "I //am// taking it seriously." In a manner, it's true. You've combed over the knowledge thoroughly. Your vulnerability in the face of authority is the main takeaway, but you do not regret trying to intervene in the fight.
"Good, because that behaviour is absolutely unacceptable."
His scolding reminds you of being in trouble in elementary school, as though your adulthood has melted away. You look over him carefully - he cannot be that much older than you, but you're the patient and he's the nurse. "Yes, sir," you say, keeping up the sarcasm.
"I'm being //serious//," he says again, though you don't allow his words to take root. It almost pains him to be on his end of the power struggle, even though he has the upper hand overall.
"Yes, sir." You've decided to respond this way until he gives up.
"Fine," he says. "Let's talk about tonight."
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Safe Tonight]]You've had this conversation before. "I was trying to protect Donna."
"That's not your job," Mike responds. "You are not security staff. You are a //patient.//"
"Don't remind me," you say, as though it's an easy thing to forget. You //know// it's not your job. In fact, you probably don't even have a job anymore. The easy choice would have been to let them fight it out, but the right choice is never easy.
"The hospital is showing you an abundance of tolerance," he says. "But you will not get away with it a second time." You crack a smile when he says this, and you wonder how much Hector has gotten away with. This most certainly isn't the limit of their tolerance.
"Fine," you say. You don't know what else to say. Mike's reaction is sorely predictable. Then, in an instant, the memory of Mike barging into the bathroom flashes before you. The intrustion. You say, "By the way, is it normal practice for staff to open bathroom doors without knocking?"
Mike stutters. "Um, what?" He waits a moment, presumably to ground himself. "We knocked first," he says quickly.
That's not how you remember it, but Mike is sticking to that version of the facts. It's not that you intended to confront him - you just want him to stop scolding you over the fight. "Why don't we move on?" you ask.
You seem to have struck a chord with him. "Yes, let's move on," he says, seemingly to avoid another unpleasant conversation.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Safe Tonight]]"I see you were put on a form by Dr. Wagner."
Yes, your doctor did put you on a form, though bizarrely it was more your decision than his. In truth, you do not feel safe nor comfortable here, but you're afraid of what you'll do to yourself if you leave. "Yes," you say. It's all you can say right now.
"Do you want to tell me more about that?" he asks.
[["I don't feel safe enough."->D3 Eve Mike Start Don't Feel Safe]]
[["It was really my choice."->D3 Eve Mike Start My Choice]]"I see you've been taken off your form," Mike says. "How is that sitting with you?"
You shrug. "Dr. Wagner gave me a choice," you say. It's basically true that Dr. Wagner was deferring to your judgment. Such agreements are not unheard of - you don't suppose that psychiatrists always enjoy making decisions for others. Unless they're sociopath psychiatrists. Surely a few of them are.
"OK. Why did you decide to go off the form?"
[["I'm feeling safer, I guess.->D3 Eve Mike Stop Safer]]
[["I just want to go outside."->D3 Eve Mike Stop Outside]]"How are you doing tonight?" he asks.
It's an open-ended question and you're really not sure what to say. You're so conflicted about staying that you wonder if you should tailor your response toward a recovery narrative. Is it better to be honest? You're not sure.
You decide to speak before it gets awkward.
[["I'm feeling safer, I guess."->D3 Eve Mike Stop Safer]]
[["Same as when I came in."->D3 Eve Mike Gen Same]]"I don't feel safe enough," you mutter. It's an incomplete thought, but you aren't thinking clearly right now either.
"Safe enough for what?" Mike asks.
"Safe enough to leave, I guess." You're not sure why he asked - it's not like there was another natural conclusion. It's never clear how they make such arbitrary decisions for their patients. It's not surprising that Dr. Wagner left it up to you - your guess was as good as his.
Mike nods. "OK, then it sounds like that Dr. Wagner made a good choice."
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Safe Tonight]]You bite your tongue a moment as you think about what privileges you do have. It's hard not to feel powerless in this system, but you'd rather Mike think that you've held on to some control. "It was really my choice," you say. It's not a lie. Dr. Wagner did let you decide, and you think it's important that Mike knows.
He nods. "OK, and you're comfortable with that for now?" he asks.
"As comfortable as ever," you say. You don't like it here, but talking about it won't make it better. You just have to grin and bear it.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Safe Tonight]]{
(set: $D3Safer to true)
}"I'm feeling safer, I guess," you say quietly. You're nervous about sharing that, because any semblance of betterness can be turned around and used against you. Not that you like it here, of course, but it's better to avoid an early discharge.
"I'm glad to hear that," he responds. You question how glad he actually is, though it's true that some nurses do care.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Safe Tonight]]You're wary of telling staff that you're feeling better. In the past, even an utterance of 'I feel OK' has been enough to get you an early discharge. "I just want to go outside," you say. It's neutral, and who wouldn't want to go outside?
"I know that it's hard being stuck in here," Mike says in an odd attempt to empathize. Does he //actually// know what it's like? Has he been a patient before? You don't want to make premature assumptions, but he probably doesn't - the vast majority of them don't.
"I only have accompanied passes, so it doesn't really matter," you say. Jon probably isn't coming to visit anytime soon.
Mike nods slowly. You hope for a moment that he might offer to accompany you, but you don't exactly want him to be your babysitter either. "I'm sure you'll get that sorted out soon enough," he says.
Soon enough. Sure.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Safe Tonight]]Mike asks, "Do you think you'll be safe tonight?"
You look down at your feet and think it over.
[["I'll be safe."->D3 Eve Mike Will Be Safe]]
(if: $D3Safer is true)[[["I'm not safe."->D3 Eve Mike Safer Not Safe]]](else:)[[["I'm not safe."->D3 Eve Mike Not Safe]]]"Same as when I came in," you say, in the dullest tone possible. How much has this place helped you anyway? What good would it do to stay? (if: $Formed is true)[That pesky form keeps you from leaving, and you wonder how much convincing it would take to cancel it.](else:)[You wonder if you might be better off signing out. You //are// voluntary after all.]
However you decide to play it, it doesn't change the fact that you're here now. Perhaps in the morning you'll feel a bit better about things.
Mike says, "I'm sorry you're feeling unwell."
Unwell is an understatement.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve Mike Safe Tonight]]"I'll be safe," you say. You can hold it together. You'll at least make it to morning, and you can reassess then.
Mike nods. "OK. Come get me if you need anything. Your night nurse should be here in an hour."
You watch him leave, and the aloneness is a relief. (if: $D3JoinedAmara is not true)[You're not even motivated to find out what was wrong with Amara.]
[[Continue.->D3 Eve After Nurse]]"I'm not safe," you say.
Mike nods. "Do you have a plan to harm yourself inside the hospital?"
You shake your head. "Not really. Just vaguely."
"OK, I understand. I'm going to inform your night nurse, and she will check on you throughout the night. Is that all right with you?" You're surprised he's even asking. Does it matter what you think about this?
You nod. "That's fine." It's easier to be nice and agreeable than it is to get drawn into an argument you can't win. If someone is going to check on you regularly, then so be it. If you weren't mistaken, the night nurses were doing that anyway. Perhaps in your case it will be slightly more frequent.
"Have a good sleep," Mike says as he rises from the chair, concluding your meeting. You tap your foot on the floor as he walks away.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve After Nurse]]"I'm not safe," you mumble.
Mike releases an exasperated laugh. "Can you at least get your story straight?"
"Excuse me?" Your story? All of a sudden your lived experience has become your story?
"You said you were safer just a //second// ago," he says. "So what is it? Are you safe or not?"
Mike's frustration makes you nervous. You aren't sure of the correct answer to this question anymore. You just want to go to bed.
[[Safe.->D3 Eve Mike Nested Safe]]
[[Not safe.->D3 Eve Mike Nested Unsafe]]"I'm safe," you say.
Mike eyes you with suspicion. "You just said you're not - OK, whatever. Come get me if you need an Ativan." He rises from his seat and walks out the door.
It was a rather abrupt end to the meeting. You wish Mike was more patient with you - it's not as though you're at a high point in your life right now.
Then again, it's not like any of this will matter a month from now.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve After Nurse]]"I'm actually unsafe," you say.
Mike nods. "I understand that it's scary to admit that you're struggling, but I need you to be honest with me."
"What do you mean?" You're puzzled - sort of, anyway. Is Mike accusing you of lying //again?// Part of you doesn't care. A part of you just wants this conversation to be over.
"You said you were safe, and then you said you weren't. I believe you when you say you're unsafe." He takes a deep breath and rubs his eyes. "Just - please remember that we can't help you if you're not honest with us."
That seems to be a common refrain in the psych system, but you're still careful about who you trust with what information. You prefer to keep your options open too.
Mike rises from his chair. "OK, your night nurse will check on you throughout the night. Rest well."
You watch him leave, and you enjoy the peace. You're grateful. He was getting on your nerves.
[[Continue.->D3 Eve After Nurse]]You've been bouncing between engagements for the entire evening and you're exhausted. You're exhausted from all the talking. You're exhausted from the assessments. (if: $Acute is true)[You're exhausted from your time in the back room.](else:)[You're exhasted from your meagre contact with the outside world.] You're exhausted.
You need rest.
You lie back in your bed and shut your eyes. You don't even need an Ativan to fall asleep right now, nor are you motivated to go find some. It's better to just lie down and let the night take you.
You drift away.
[[Sleep.->D3 Night Nurse Flashlight]]A bright light hits the front of your face. Is it morning? You don't feel rested, nor do you feel the heat from the sun. You roll to your side and the light suddenly dampens. You open your eyes a squint.
A silhouette projects a beam of light toward the wall. The room is dark, and there is a person standing near the doorway. The person flicks the light off and opens the door behind them.
You're alone again.
You drift away with little care for what you just saw.
[[Continue sleeping.->D4 Donation Nag]]<h2>Inpatient: A Psychiatric Story</h2><h3>Day 4</h3>You're still tired, and your body trembles with fearful energy. You roll from one side to the other to no avail. (if: $Formed is true)[Your gown hikes further up your legs with each toss and turn, and it grows tighter around your chest.](else:)[Your shirt, soaked in sweat, clings to your body. It twists further around your armpits with each toss and turn.] You don't bother to adjust it. You can't bring yourself to care.
The room is dimly lit. A dull light comes through the window. The sun has barely risen.
While you would prefer to sleep more, that isn't going to happen. You kick off the blankets, lift your upper-body, and plant your feet on the floor.
Today is a new day.
[[Walk into the hallway.->D4 Meet Amara]]You proceed to the common area only to find the door shut and locked. You push your forehead into the glass window and cover your eyes to block out the reflections of the fluorescant lighting above. It's dark inside and you can hardly see a thing. You make out the couches and the outline of a television.
You also see your shadow on the floor.
With that option denied, you decide to peer through the nursing station window to look at the clock. It's 6:45 AM. Could be worse.
Amara turns the corner at the nursing station. You make quick eye-contact, and as soon as their eyes meet yours they turn them down to the floor. (if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[You don't want to take it personally, but you know Amara doesn't like you very much.](else-if: $D2ReconciledAmara is true)[You're reminded of your strained history with Amara, but at least you tried to work it out.](else-if: $D3JoinedAmara is not true)[Your thoughts immediately spring to their outburst yesterday. You never found out what happened there, though it seems rude to ask.](else-if: $D3AmaraSnaps is true)[In that moment you remember your last interaction with them - they were so unhappy. Patricia wasn't pleased either.](else:)[You remember how upset they were yesterday - justifiable anger, though it must be hard to have no outlet.]
At least you're not the only one up. You turn to them.
(if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[[["Hey Amara."->D4 Hey Amara Bullied]]](else-if: $D3JoinedAmara is true)[(if: $D3AmaraSnaps is not true)[[["Hey Amara."->D4 Hey Amara Joined]]](else:)[[["Hey Amara."->D4 Hey Amara Snapped]]]](else:)[[["Hey Amara."->D4 Hey Amara Neutral]]] "Hey Amara," you say as your paths meet.
Amara stops walking and turns to you. "Hi," they say with eyes fixed on the floor in front of your feet.
It's hard to know what to say to them, given your short history on the ward. You wish you hadn't made enemies so soon. (if: $Acute is true or $HectorBully is true or $D3YuaUnhappy is true or $D3LilyUpset is true)[Amara(if: $HectorBully is true or $Acute is true)[, Hector](if: $D3YuaUnhappy is true)[, Yua](if: $D3LilyUpset is true)[, Lily]... it feels like a lot.] You imagine the friendship you are missing because of your cruelty - perhaps, with their friendship, your time here would be far more bearable.
Your time here is temporary, and that is what you try to remember. You'll probably never see them again. You'll probably never see anyone again.
[["Do you hate me?"->D4 Amara Hate Me]]
[["I'm sorry, for what it's worth."->D4 Amara Sorry]]"Hey Amara," you say as they continue on their course.
Amara looks at you again. "Hey," they say. They stop walking and stand next to you.
"How are you doing?" you ask.
"Fine," they respond. You see their face drop as they start telling you how they really feel. "I can't trust anyone. The whole hospital is broken." It's hard not to feel a little put off - is Amara actually saying they can't trust //anyone?// What about you?
[["You can trust me."->D4 Amara Can Trust Me]]
[["This place sucks."->D4 Amara Place Sucks]]"Hey Amara." You wonder what happened yesterdsay when Patricia was chasing after them. You try to decide if you should ask.
"Hi," Amara responds. They force a smile. "Didn't know you were up. I didn't sleep."
You try to smile back, though it's equally forced. It's not that you're unhappy to see Amara - this place just isn't conducive to happiness. Funny thing, because you're sure you came here to heal from depression.
Amara says, "I'm glad to have your company."
You nod.
[["What happened yesterday?"->D4 Amara What Happened Yesterday]]
[["This place sucks."->D4 Amara Place Sucks]]{
(set: $D4AmaraHateMe to true)
}Your emotions impair your thought process. You're overloaded, and your mind stays on a repetitious thread - the thought that everyone hates you. It doesn't help that Amara, a person you wronged, is right in front of you. Through tearful eyes you ask, "Do you hate me?"
Amara stares into your eyes for a moment, or two, or three. What might they be thinking? What will they tell you? You want to plead with them to speak - to say //something.// Anything would be nice.
They take their time. Before too long they ask, "What do you want?"
[["I just feel terrible."->D4 Amara Guilty]]
[["I wish I could take it back."->D4 Amara Take Back]]"I'm sorry, for what it's worth." You wonder if your words are as empty as you feel, as hokey as that sounds. It's hard to know what to say. You just woke up.
Everything hurts.
Amara looks into your eyes, and for a moment that's how you stand. You stare into their eyes, eager to buy some time - how can this be addressed? Should it even be addressed?
Amara finally speaks. "What would my forgiveness mean to you?" they ask. It sounds like a jab, but you sense that they really want to know.
You wonder.
[["I just feel terrible."->D4 Amara Guilty]]
[["I don't want you to hurt anymore."->D4 Amara Hurt]]{
(set: $D4AmaraGuiltHate to true)
}"I just feel terrible," you say as you look away. Saying this feels quite hollow. You harmed Amara - //of course// you should feel terrible. You want to alleviate that terrible feeling, and you're not sure how to do that without Amara's forgiveness.
"What about //my// feelings?" Amara asks. It's a valid question.
You glance up at the nursing station, and you watch the people inside for a moment. You wonder if any of them has ever experienced what you do. You wonder if any of them has ever felt as bad as you feel right now.
But how bad might Amara be feeling? You turn your eyes to Amara.
[["I wish things were different."->D4 Amara Same Reason]]
[["Your feelings matter."->D4 Amara Can't Help You]]
"I don't want you to hurt anymore," you say - your tone is soft, restrained, and still rather tired.
They crack a smile for only a moment. "You know you don't have that power." They turn their eyes downward again and proceed - slowly - toward the window at the far end of the hall.
Did they interpret your reaction too broadly? You shake your head, and you follow them. "I mean, I know I can't fix all of your problems." Your words seem to blubber out. "I just want to fix what I did - what I did to you."
"Don't flatter yourself," they say. "You didn't break me. I'm fine." You wonder how fine they actually are. You think back to their outburst as they stormed out of the common room the other day.
You wonder if everyone in here isn't hiding behind a facade of normality - putting on an appearance that threatens to break from minute to minute. You crave normality, but all you can do is present it.
"You matter," you say as you turn away, letting Amara proceed alone.
They stop suddenly and turn to you.
[[Continue.->D4 Amara Can't Help You]]{
(set: $D4AmaraGuiltHate to true)
}"Your feelings matter," you say.
"Thank you for saying that," Amara responds. You do sense gratitude, though Amara is undoubtably still troubled by your actions. "I don't know if I can give you what you're asking for," they add.
Absolution. Redemption. Is any of this even real? Can you accept that you've done harm to another? You immediately think of Cassandra, and the irreversible harm you've caused her. If you can't forgive yourself for hurting Amara, how will you ever forgive yourself for letting a friend die?
You know you're not entitled to forgiveness from others. You wonder if you'll ever forgive yourself. Will you ever love yourself again?
Regardless, Amara stands waiting for a response. What do you say?
[["I understand."->D4 Amara I Understand]]
[["I wish things were different."->D4 Amara Same Reason]]"I understand," you say. At the very least, this talk has helped you understand Amara's view. You still want closure of some sort. Maybe you're not entitled to it. Maybe closure doesn't matter. Maybe you won't really care down the road.
"Thanks," Amara responds. "Let's be civil from here on." They turn and start walking away.
They only make it a few steps away when they turn back around. They look directly at you. "I miss people sometimes," they say.
"People?" you ask. Curious - you thought Amara was finished talking to you. You walk over to them. "Which people?"
Amara shrugs. "I don't want anyone to see me like this, but I miss people. I miss my sister, I guess. I miss my music too." They turn to the wall and gently tap it through their unlaced shoe.
"Music?" you ask.
"I play the cello," they respond. "Not with anyone. I just - I play." They tap their toe against the wall again. "Nurses don't let me have it."
"Why not?" you ask.
Amara shrugs. "They're afraid I'll choke myself on the strings. I thought to say there are better ways, but it's maybe best to keep that to myself."
You laugh, and Amara raises an eyebrow. Perhaps they don't see the humour in it. "Aren't we supposed to tell them everything?" you ask.
"Thought is the last bit of freedom we have. Enjoy it."
They force a smile, turn around, and walk away once again - this time without stopping. You remain puzzled by this strange turn. Is Amara your friend again? It would certainly be nice. It's better to have friends in here.
You don't want to be alone.
[[Continue.->D4 After Amara]]"I wish I could take it back," you say. Your eyes are heavy and your vision blurs slightly as your reach your hand up to flick the tears away.
Amara shrugs. "You wouldn't be the first." They then look past your face and into the nursing station. "Cruelty thrives here," they add.
"You mean others have..." you say without finishing your sentence.
Amara nods. "Pat treats me like a person," they say. "Touch and go with others." They stop looking into the the nursing station, and they look into your eyes. "Do you know why I came in?"
[["Same reason I came in."->D4 Amara Same Reason]]
[["Why did you come in?"->D4 Amara Why Came In]]"Why did you come in?" you ask. You never actually heard Amara's story. You listen intently.
Amara says, "I didn't leave my room for weeks."
Weeks? "Not even to use the bathroom?" you ask.
An awkward silence develops. You soon realize that your question wasn't only inconsiderate - it was completely inappropriate. Amara shakes their head back and forth for a moment. You see them clench and uncleanch their fists. "I'm not answering that question," they say.
Fair enough - you feel bad for even asking. Hopefully you can steer the conversation back on track. "Why didn't you leave your room?"
"It doesn't matter," they respond. "It doesn't matter as much as why I eventually left."
"Why did you leave it?" you ask. It feels like you're being baited in circles here. Won't they just get to the point already?
"My younger sister - she said I'd be safe here. I believed her." You remember the note saying something about that.
"Is it safer?" you ask.
Amara shrugs. "I'm leaving the first chance I get." They take a moment to adjust their gown. "I hope she was right. I just can't trust anyone." They turn around and walk away, speaking as they go. "You're not the worst." They continue walking away.
[[Continue.->D4 After Amara Bad]](if: $D4AmaraGuiltHate is true)["I wish things were different," you say.](else:)["Same reason I came in," you say.]
Amara shakes their head. "You don't get it." They tremble a bit as they stand watching you. "It's not about you."
You nod. Being chastised by Amara - it's such a weird feeling. You stand where you are and say nothing. Nothing's worth saying at this point.
"I had a best friend once," Amara responds. "You remind me of him, just a little bit."
"What do you mean?" you ask.
"He was ashamed to be seen with me," Amara responds. "I didn't notice at first. I was glad someone was talking to me. He treated me like a friend." Amara gradually directs their gaze toward your feet. "When he found out I was crazy, he even visited me in the hospital."
You nod. "That's kind of him."
Amara shakes their head. "I was in grade seven. I was there for a month. Back at school, everyone knew what happened to me. He told them all." Amara's hand shakes as they say this.
Again, you do wonder why Amara is saying this to //you.// You didn't break their confidence. "Why do I remind you of him?" you ask.
Amara responds, "He made it all about him. His feelings. He wanted to undo the harm, but he only wanted it for //himself.//" They pause for a moment, and you start to realize where they're going with this. "And you're making it all about you, too." They turn around and walk away. While walking they say, "Do better, if you can."
You stand and watch them walk away.
[[Continue.->D4 After Amara Bad]]"Hey Amara," you say.
They look into your eyes for a moment before their eyes dart away - they're back to staring at your feet. "Hey," they say.
You remember your last interaction with Amara. They snapped at you - you were surprised. (if: $D2ReconciledAmara is true)[The other time they were upset with you, they didn't even say anything. They just walked away.](else:)[You remember when you first met them. Hazel was rude. Amara left in a huff, but they didn't say much.] This time Amara //swore// at you. You're still a bit surprised, even though a night has passed since then.
"Are you OK?" you ask.
Amara shrugs. "I'm fine."
They don't seem fine.
[["I'm sorry about yesterday."->D4 Amara Sorry About Yesterday]]
[["Do you feel any better?"->D4 Amara Feel Better]](set: $D3JoinedAmara to true)
(set: $D3AmaraFine to true)
[[D4 Meet Amara]](set: $D3JoinedAmara to true)
(set: $D3AmaraSnaps to true)
[[D4 Meet Amara]](set: $D2BulliedAmara to true)
[[D4 Meet Amara]][[D4 Meet Amara]]"You can trust me." You can't tell if you're being defensive or if you're genuinely trying to convince them of something. Maybe a bit of both.
(if: $D2ReconciledAmara is true)[
Amara stares at you. If you didn't know better, you'd think they were glaring at you. "I know we made up, but I haven't forgotten what you did."
You remember when Amara wrote the message to you. You refused to give it back. "Sorry," you say. You feel a rush of heat in the front of your face - your shame is on display. "I know it was wrong."
Amara nods. "Thanks. I still forgive you. It's just ... you know."
You nod. "I understand," you say back. You realize that you're a part of what made this space unsafe for Amara, and that hurts a little bit.
](else:)[
Amara shrugs. "Honestly you're not what I'm worried about."
There's your answer. You glance over at the nursing station and watch everyone inside sitting in front of their computer screens. Everyone stares intently into the monitors - no one looks up. That's how they are. "I don't trust them either, for what it's worth," you say. It's hard to believe that they have your welfare in mind. Perhaps they're struggling against management. You don't know for sure, but it's unpleasant regardless.
"Why should you?" they ask. "What have they done for you? - for any of us?"
"I don't know." You wonder if everyone in this hospital is having a bad time, or if it's just your limited circle of friends. Who knows?
]
Amara exhales a deep sigh. "There's nothing they can do to fix it. It's just survival."
You nod. Survival indeed.
[[Continue.->D4 Amara Junction]]"This place sucks," you say, with little else to add. You settle into your space with Amara. The hallways are barren as ever.
"Yes," Amara says. "It's not my favourite hospital."
"You've been to more?" you ask. You're always curious about other people who are on the psych ward tour. What have they seen? Have you had a common nurse before? It's interesting, you suppose.
"Yes," they say. "Paranoid schizophrenia. I've seen enough."
"Has a hospital ever helped you?" you ask.
They shrug. "I don't know. Family makes me go. I wonder - did I ever need the help?"
You want to go with your instincts on this one - the thought that everyone needs a little bit of help sometimes - but you aren't sure. You know very little about Amara's experience. The hospital experience for someone with an episode of psychosis is probably quite different from your experience of depression.
You speak. "It's always hard to tell, for me, whether or not it actually helped."
"Isn't it?" Amara responds. "Survival. That's all I want."
You nod, though you're conflicted on whether survival is what you want. Perhaps that's why you're here.
[[Continue.->D4 Amara Junction]]You and Amara face each other for a few minutes. The awkward pause is a staple of the psych ward experience - you're meeting people at their worst, afterall. It's hard to keep coming up with things to say and questions to ask.
They spare you with a question of their own. "Do you wonder why you fight? Ever?"
You think about it for a moment.
[["I fight for my future self."->D4 Amara Fight Future Self]]
[["I fight because people love me."->D4 Amara Fight Love Me]]
[["I fight because I'm scared."->D4 Amara Fight Because Scared]]You try to look Amara in the eye, but their own eyes are fixed on the floor. "I'm sorry about yesterday," you say. Truthfully, you regret triggering Amara.
Amara responds, "It's not your fault." It isn't your fault? You could have sworn that it was, but you're not going to argue it. "The hospital is in the wrong."
Suddenly you realize that Amara has mostly forgotten what you said. Maybe you made Patricia angry more than anyone else. You //were// apologizing for triggering Amara's paranoia, but maybe it's better to forget about it.
"Pat was mad at you," Amara says. "You didn't do anything wrong, but she was unhappy." (if: $D3AmaraFBomb is true)[You blush - you remember making that f-bomb comment, but you surmise that Patricia kept that to herself.](else:)[You try not to feel guilty. As long as Amara thinks you didn't do anything wrong, you're probably fine.]
"Patricia is very protective of you," you respond.
Amara nods.
"Are you OK with that?"
Amara looks down at their own feet for a moment, and then they look back up at you. "I wish she wouldn't speak for me so much," they say. "I can stand up for myself."
You nod - it really does sound irritating.
Amara adds, "I don't worry so much. I just want to survive this."
Survival - you find their comment curious, if only because you're not sure it's what //you// want. It would be nice to have some hope.
[[Continue.->D4 Amara Junction]]It feels awkward to give an apology - you're not entirely sure what you'd apologize for. You triggered them, you guess, but you didn't mean to. It's easier to focus on feelings. With Cassandra in mind, you're already overloaded with accountability.
"Do you feel any better?" you ask.
Amara shrugs. "Talked to Pat. I don't know." They turn their back to the wall near the nursing station, and lean onto it. "Couldn't sleep. They offered olanzapine, but I said no."
You nod. You don't particularly like olanzapine either - it makes you feel like a zombie. All the antipsychotics do.
"I saw Hazel," they say. "She was up. We talked."
"What about?" you ask. You find it odd that Amara would voluntarily speak to Hazel. You still remember their first interaction - Amara leaving in a huff because Hazel was quizzing them about their gender.
Amara says, "Nothing much. Her hearing." They pause. "I don't understand why she challenges it. She'll be out before me. I'm not challenging my form."
You smirk. "Maybe it's just something to do." You can see how it might be a good way to pass the time in this vacuum of recreation.
Amara looks up from their feet and meets your eyes. "There's no point. It would upset my sister." They glance toward the nursing station. "It's not like I have anywhere else to be."
Your mood sinks with that comment. You wonder where you belong, and you're also not sure. Do you really want to go back to work? Maybe if you have a job, it would be somewhere to go.
"I'm just surviving," they say.
Aren't we all.
[[Continue.->D4 Amara Junction]]"What happened yesterday?" you ask.
Amara places their palm on the wall close to the nursing station. "I was upset," they say.
They remain quiet for a few minutes after. Could they be searching for what to say? Perhaps they're limiting their explanation to just that - being upset. It would be understandable if they did.
"This hospital polices gender," they say. You remember your encounter with Lily. Amara speaks again, "If Lily isn't welcome here, I'm not welcome."
"I welcome you," you offer to Amara - a reminder that the community here is more than the nurses. At the same time, you're not sure what good your offer will do in the long term. People stay, and people go. You never really know how how long a hospital friend will be in your life. It can end at any moment.
"Thanks," Amara says. "I guess it's good not to be universally condemned." You laugh, and Amara raises an eyebrow. Sometimes what they say is unintentionally funny.
Not that it's always appropriate to laugh.
[[Continue.->D4 Amara Junction]]"I fight because I'm scared," you say.
Amara nods. "Fight or flight."
"Maybe I'm fleeing from death," you suggest, though sometimes you think you're too scared to live. Being suicidal is an odd position to grasp, even when you're in the midst of it. You want it desperately, and at the same time you're horrified.
"I think I came here because I was scared," Amara says.
"You came voluntarily?" you ask. It's surprising to hear, if only because they're wearing a gown. Not that coming in of your own volition necessarily lands you with voluntary status.
"Sort of," they respond. "I guess I was stuck."
"Stuck?" you ask.
"Yes. I didn't want to be stuck, but I was. It might have just been in my head. I agreed to come in, just in case. My sister asked me to, and I trust her."
"Do you think it helped?" you ask.
Amara shrugs. "I'm eating."
Indeed. Hospital food is better than starving, and many a day you've chosen to starve because you couldn't be bothered to feed yourself. Institutional food wouldn't be your first choice, nor would it be your last. You still crave outside food. You crave //melted cheese// more than anything.
At least you're eating. You force a smile. "Eating is good."
"I need to rest," Amara says. "Thanks for talking."
You wave goodbye. You stand watching as they walk away.
[[Continue.->D4 After Amara]]"I fight for my future self," you say. You let the silence sink in before you add, "I wish I could know if my future is worth fighting for."
Amara nods. "I don't see much of a future," they say.
Psych wards are hopeless places, although the people inside tend not to act like it. Most, it seems, would prefer to treat a meeting here as they would at a public gathering. Just a hello, and skip the 'how are you' - you're meeting in hell, and everyone knows it.
Needless to say, Amara's candor catches you off guard. "Why don't you see a future?" you ask.
They respond, "Hospitals and disability cheques. That's my future - when my mom dies anyway."
You are starting to feel like the odd one out - being the one who isn't getting disability cheques. You push the thought away. "You live with your mom?" you ask.
"Mom, Dad, and my little sister," they respond.
"Your dad won't look after you?" you ask - at the same time you wish you hadn't framed their family as caretakers. You know nothing about Amara's situation.
Amara looks as serious as ever as they respond. "My dad doesn't even try, with me."
"Try?"
"He still uses my deadname. I try to ignore it, but I can't."
You nod. Amara is so direct about their pronouns that you hadn't considered their family's reaction. You just assumed that they were all cool with it. "Sorry to hear," you say.
They nod. "It's fine. I'm going to lie down."
They wave as they walk away. You wave back. Your conversation with Amara ends as quickly as it began. Still, you're surprised they talked as long as they did.
[[Continue.->D4 After Amara]]"I fight because people love me." As you say that, you wonder. Cassandra used to be a loved one. You don't feel quite as resilient, now that she's gone.
"Who loves you?" Amara asks.
"My mom, my dad - my best friend, Jon."
(if: $Acute is true)[<!-- Was in acute -->
Amara says, "He called while you were in the back room."
You nod. "Hazel told me." You think about the paper she slipped underneath the door. It was one of the kindest things anyone has done for you - at least in recent memory. "I miss him. I miss everyone when I'm here."
](else-if: $D2SawJon is not true)[<!-- Didn't see Jon -->
Amara asks, "Did he visit?"
You shake your head. "No." A second later you catch yourself. "Well, yes. I was asleep when he came over. My nurse didn't wake me." You're still bitter. It hurts to be bitter, but you're not sure how to change it. At the very least, you're glad he tried.
](else-if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[<!-- Had a bad visit -->
Amara says, "I think I saw him with you."
You nod. "He was here. I think it did more harm than good."
Amara asks, "Why?"
You shrug. "I know he's not happy with me. I might be too intense." You think on that further - Jon lives and works in a world you frequently hide from. He has a career. He's an engineer. What could he possibly want with you?
](else:)[<!-- Had an OK visit -->
Amara says, "I saw you together, I think."
You nod. "He was here. It was nice seeing him." You pause a moment as the shame hits you. "I was a mess."
"You're in a hospital," Amara points out, and it's true enough. What could Jon have reasonably expected? This isn't your favourite way to live.
"I wish I could be what everyone needs me to be," you respond.
]
Amara looks down at their feet, as they absorb what you just said. "Making friends is hard," they say. "You make it look so easy."
It hadn't occured to you. You feel lonely as ever in here, though it's not necessarily company you crave. You can find company easily enough. What you truly miss is something intangible.
You miss feeling loved.
"Do you feel loved?" you ask.
Amara shrugs. "My sister loves me, I guess."
Surely there has to be more. "Your parents?" you ask. It feels like such a rude question, but you can't take it back now.
"My mom is OK. My dad doesn't accept me."
"At all?" you ask.
"He sent me to his pastor. He doesn't like how I'm changing."
They must be talking about being genderqueer. "How do you feel?"
"I can't live the rest of my life pretending I'm something that I'm not." Amara responds. Indeed - though it is not your experience, you can't imagine living a lie. Perhaps lying is a mischaracterization. You're still learning how to talk about it. Speaking of lying, Amara adds, "I'm going to lie down now."
They give you a brief smile before turning and walking away. You hope it wasn't something you said.
[[Continue.->D4 After Amara]]You look ahead into the corridor as Amara walks away. You miss them already. (if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[It went well - you think - considering your history with Amara. You hope your relationship is mended.](else-if: $D2ReconciledAmara is true)[You're glad you reconciled with them - you can't have too many friends in here.](else-if: $D3AmaraSnaps is true)[You still regret what you said yesterday, but they don't seem to hold grudges.](else:)[Amara is a kind soul, and you always like being around them.]
They turn the corner. They're out of sight. You stand alone once again - your craving for human contact quelled for only a moment. The phone is in the common room. You'd like to call Jon, but will he even be awake?
You hear a loud click - the nursing station door opens.
[[Continue.->D4 Common Area Opened]]As you watch Amara walk away, you're overtaken by a sinking loneliness - not to mention regret. Had you only behaved differently, you might still have Amara as a friend.
It's hard to feel anything but lonely right now. The halls are empty. The common area is shut. There is little to do but go back to your bed and lie down.
As you stare into the hallway, the door to the nursing station opens.
[[Continue.->D4 Common Area Opened]]A white woman with short, blonde hair and an aged complexion exits the nursing station. You haven't see her here before. She gives you a shallow smile - you see a few keys dangling from her right hand. She passes you and proceeds to the common room door. With a swift turn, it's unlocked.
[["I can go in?"->D4 Common Can Go In]]
[["Why was it locked?"->D4 Common Why Locked]]"I can go in?" you ask.
She nods. "No TV until 9:00," she says, as if you should know what time it is.
You want to ask why, but you figure the answer will be something akin to 'because I said so.' It really doesn't matter why, anyway. She holds the remote behind the door to the nursing station, and there's little you can do to change that.
Hector will probably be up by then. You try to pretend you don't care.
[[Sit down in the common room.->D4 Common Sit]]"Why was it locked?" you ask.
"Because you can't go in at night." She dodges your body - like she dodged your question - and returns to the nursing station. Her eyes are fixed ahead of her. They do not wander. A card reader beeps, and you're alone again.
You suppose she's not up for conversation. You wonder if she even absorbed your question - she certainly didn't answer it. It would be comical if you weren't so sad.
Perhaps it's best to roll with it. Follow the rules. Follow the schedule. The hospital isn't forever.
[[Sit down in the common room.->D4 Common Sit]]Without the remote for the TV, you're stuck with other entertainment options. You want to check your phone so badly. You want to text Jon and see if he's up. He's usually up early for work. The 'no electronics' policy never felt more burdensome than it does at this moment.
The room is still dark. The nurse opened the door for you, but she didn't turn on any lights. It occurs to you that you don't even know where the light switch is. You squint around the obvious spots near the door. You give up squinting because you cannot see - you reach your hand out and feel the wall until you find a switch.
You hear the subtle hum of the fluorescent lights, and blue-toned light casts over the room. Much more lively now, you think.
You walk over to the far corner of the room where the jigsaw puzzles, board games, and books are kept. Your options are limited. There are a few romance novels - all with creased spines, because of course. There are puzzles, but you worry about missing pieces. A patient was kind enough to leave a written warning about this on one of the puzzles.
You pick up one of the romance novels.
"Hey," says a soft voice behind you. You didn't expect to be sneaked up on - in fact, you drop the book right in front of you.
When you turn around, you meet eyes with Lily.
"Hello," you say. (if: $Acute is not true)[Your last meeting was short, but you try not to worry about it.](else:)[You remember meeting her under difficult circumstances.]
(if: $D3LilyUpset is true)[[[Continue.->D4 Lily Upset]]](else:)[[[Continue.->D4 Lily Normal]]]"I wanted to talk to you," she says. "I yelled at you."
You nod. She certainly did.
"I was upset. Triggered."
You nod again. She certainly was.
"You didn't mean what you said about //special cases,// did you?"
[["I meant it."->D4 Lily Meant It]]
[["I didn't mean it."->D4 Lily Didn't Mean It]]
[["I don't know what I meant."->D4 Lily Don't Know]]"It's nice not to be the only one up," she says. You force a smile - you're so tired that it's hard to be pleasant. You have to focus really hard.
"Amara was up, too," you say.
"I didn't see them," she responds. "I've been waiting for this door to open."
In a moment she looks over her shoulder. No one is behind her. She then retrieves a smart phone from her empty pockets and starts fiddling with the touch screen.
[["You have a //phone?//"->D4 Lily Have Phone]]
[[Say nothing.->D4 Lily Say Nothing]]"I meant it," you say. You aren't taking back what you said, nor will you apologize for it. It's just a fact that hospitals have a system in place to operate its services, and in this case the system made the wrong choice.
Lily shakes her head. "I hoped we could have a reasoned discussion. People seem to like you."
You're not sure who Lily was talking to about you, but you suppose it's flattering.
Lily asks, "Do you even want to discuss this?"
[["The discussion is closed."->D4 Lily Discussion Closed]]
[["I'm willing to hear you out."->D4 Lily Hear Out]]"I didn't mean it," you say. You second-guess after it comes out - did you mean it? It's not entirely clear. What's more clear is that you regret what you said.
Lily responds, "Why did you say it?"
You shrug. You don't honestly know. You just know that Lily is hurt, and she is hurt by something you said. You didn't want to pick a fight with anyone. "Honestly, Lily, I don't know. I just regret it."
"I don't know how long I'm here," she responds.
"Does anyone?" you ask.
She shakes her head. "I just don't want to make enemies."
"Me neither," you say.
"I need to tell you something," she says.
[["I'm willing to hear you out."->D4 Lily Hear Out]]
[["I didn't do anything wrong."->D4 Lily Didn't Wrong]]"I don't know what I meant," you respond. "I guess I wasn't thinking."
Lily nods slowly. Perhaps she is deciding if she will accept your explanation. Your heart rate is definitely elevated. Curious - you didn't know how much you cared about this before now. She nods again and responds, "Lots of people don't think about what they say to me. I wish they would."
"Lots of people?" you respond.
She nods again. "I'd like you to listen to me now."
You close your arms together against your belly. You are trapped. Cornered. You're not sure if you should be afraid. Presumably not.
Whatever Lily has to say, you can probably handle it. Right?
[["I'm willing to hear you out."->D4 Lily Hear Out]]
[["I didn't do anything wrong."->D4 Lily Didn't Wrong]]"The discussion is closed," you respond.
Lily makes a heavy sigh as she looks into your eyes one last time. "OK," she says. "I tried." She turns around and walks away. Curiously she doesn't leave the common room - she just settles on the couch near the TV.
You aren't sure how to feel right now. You ought to feel sad or remorseful, but instead you're numb. Completely numb.
With Lily gone, you look over the activities again.
[[Start a puzzle.->D4 Morning Puzzle]]
[[Read a romance novel.->D4 Morning Novel]]"I'm willing to hear you out," you say, and you offer your attention to her.
"It's not bureaucracy," she says. "It's absolutely not. You know how I know it's not?"
"How?" you ask.
"My nurse - Caroline - rolled her eyes when I first brought it up. She doesn't want to help." Lily closes her arms into each other, obviously suppressing some really strong feelings.
[["That's terrible!"->D4 Lily Terrible]]
[["I'm sorry."->D4 Lily Sorry]]"I didn't do anything wrong," you say. You're not the one denying her hormones - you didn't do anything to harm Lily.
"I'm not //saying// you did something wrong. Won't you at least hear me out?
[["I'm willing to hear you out."->D4 Lily Hear Out]]
[["The discussion is closed."->D4 Lily Discussion Closed]]
{
(set: $D4ChosePuzzle to true)
}You dig through the puzzles and pick out one that //doesn't// have a note about missing pieces. You resolve to add the note when you're done with it, as you're certain not every piece is in here. The photo is a beautiful group of purple, pink, and turquoise flowers against a green backdrop of leaves. The puzzle has 200 pieces in it.
You carry it over to a table and set it down. Upon opening the box, you find wide chunks of the puzzle connected together. You begin the laborious process of disconnecting the pieces so that you can start anew.
When you finish taking it apart, you give the box a shake to scatter the pieces randomly.
Afterwards, you start sorting them by colour.
[[Continue.->D4 Morning Peter]]You pick up one of the handful of romance novels on the shelf. The cover is in bright pink and full of fold creases. You carry the tattered thing over to one of the tables and sit down.
You try to concentrate on reading it, but the words keep falling off the page. You look up to see Lily sitting on the couch quietly - staring ahead.
You wonder what you're doing here. You seriously wonder.
[[Continue.->D4 Morning Peter]]You look up for a moment. Peter has joined the ranks of the awake. He greets Lily over on the couch - you feel ever so lonely as he does. (if: $D4ChosePuzzle is true)[You busy yourself sorting the puzzle pieces into colour groups.](else:)[You bury yourself into the novel and try your best to focus.] You want to ignore your surroundings for now. Nothing good seems to come of it.
Peter sits down next to you, and you look up for a moment.
(if: $D4ChosePuzzle is true)[
"Doing a puzzle?"
You shrug. "It's something to do."
](else:)[
"How's the book?"
You shrug. "It's a book."
]
Peter nods. "Trying to kill the boredom?"
"Yes," you say. "I suppose I am."
Peter nods again. "I'm not too happy today."
[["Who is?"->D4 Peter Who Is]]
[["That sucks."->D4 Peter That Sucks]]"Who is?" you ask rhetorically. You don't really need an answer, but you expect one.
"It'd be nice if I had something to be sad about," Peter says.
Yes, depression. It's anything but simple, though you aren't sure //you're// depressed. Not clinically depressed, anyway. You wonder about Cassandra - about your own harsh judgment. You almost regret coming in.
You wonder if there is value to your life.
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Connects Lily]]"That sucks," you say. You really don't want to talk to anyone right now, particularly after Lily confronted you. You just want to be alone - it's safer than saying the wrong thing.
Peter responds, "Tell me about it."
You both sit in silence - you continue to busy yourself. Can't Peter see that you want to be left alone?
Nonetheless, he remains.
[[Continue->D4 Peter Connects Lily]]"I really connect to Lily's experience," he says.
You look up at him. "Really?"
"Well, haven't you ever questioned your gender identity?" he asks - as though Lily's gender identity is all there is to her.
You shrug. "I don't know." You don't give the question too much thought.
"I think I'm a man," Peter says. "But I have some reasons to wonder."
[["You are what you say you are."->D4 Peter You Are]]
[["Why do you doubt?"->D4 Peter Why Doubt]]"You are what you say you are," you say. It seems quite simple, honestly.
Peter nods. "I'm probably a man. I mean, I hope I am. My parents would kill me."
"Your folks are judgmental about that?" you ask.
Peter nods. You truly can't imagine how hard it must be to grow up questioning your gender in a hostile environment. You're somewhat grateful that it's not a question for you. It's easier that way.
You both sit quietly. You try to fill the silence.
[["Are you glad you came in?"->D4 Peter Glad Came In]]
[["Do you have anything to look forward to when you get out?"->D4 Peter Look Forward To]]"Why do you doubt?" you ask. You may be feigning interest a little bit, but you don't want to be rude and dismiss him.
"I like to dress as a woman sometimes. It feels right."
The concept of gendered clothing, to you, is somewhat strange to begin with. You aren't particularly bothered by Peter's admission. It's not a big deal in the scheme of things.
Still, you don't want to be a confession post. You're struggling too. "That's fine," you say, trying to cloak your disinterest.
Peter nods. "Thanks," he says.
You both sit quietly.
You bore of the quiet.
[["I like to dress like a woman too."->D4 Peter Dress Woman Too]]
[["Lily hates me."->D4 Peter Lily Hates Me]]
"That's terrible!" you say - and perhaps you misjudged the situation, though you don't want to admit it out loud.
"Thanks," Lily says. "I'm really not being unreasonable here."
"I know," you respond. And you do know. Wanting to keep your medication is not an unreasonable request, nor is wanting your human rights to be respected.
[[Continue.->D4 Lily Torch The Place]]"I'm sorry," you say.
"It's not //your// fault that my nurse is a bitch," Lily responds.
"I shouldn't have said what I did," you clarify.
She looks into your eyes and in that moment you connect. Despite all the people you miss from the outside, it's amazing how personal and familial it feels to be talking to other patients.
"Thank you," she says.
[[Continue.->D4 Lily Torch The Place]]"You have a //phone?//" You can't believe it. It seems like it's been forever since you lost contact with the world. Maybe that's hyperbole - you can use the patient phone, you guess.
Lily hisses back, "Not so loud!" She looks over her shoulder again before fidgeting with the touch screen, closing a few windows. She then stuffs the phone back in her pocket and reaches up to her hair. She tosses it back.
"Sorry," you respond.
"It's OK," she whispers. "I just don't want them to know."
[["How did you smuggle it in?"->D4 Lily How Smuggle]]
[["Who were you just talking to?"->D4 Lily Who Talking]]It's best to say nothing. In fact, it's best to pretend you didn't even see it. You do smile her way though. It's nice to know that there //are// ways to have a phone in here, even though you aren't willing to take the risk.
She stuffs the phone in the pocket on her gown and tosses her hair back. "Sorry, just texting my girlfriend," she says.
You smile. "No worries."
"What do you do in here?" she asks.
[["Is it your first time?"->D4 Lily First Time]]
[["It helps to make friends."->D4 Lily Make Friends]]"How did you smuggle it in?"
Lily settles into an amused grin. "It's not like they strip search you."
It's not? You suppose not - you aren't allowed to keep your clothing when on a form, but you don't think anyone has watched you change. Not that you'd put it past them. It just hasn't happened to you. Still, you wonder how she got it past the metal detector.
"So you hid it in your underwear?"
"What kind of question is that?" She laughs as she says it. Gradually the laughter fades, and the room grows quiet again. As the laughter fades, her smile grows more and more strained.
She looks quite sad.
[["It's not forever."->D4 Lily Not Forever]]
[["You'll get used to it."->D4 Lily Get Used To It]]"Who were you just talking to?" you ask. You're not sure why it's your business, but you're ever curious about what people do with smuggled phones.
"My girlfriend," she responds. That's a boring response, but it does make sense. You wouldn't want to go radio silence on a partner, especially in a crisis.
"That sounds nice," you say.
Lily shrugs. "I guess. I wish she'd come visit."
You nod. "How long have you been here?"
"I got in yesterday. I feel like I'm in the wrong place."
"There isn't really a right place," you assure her. It's true too - there isn't a //good// choice when you're in a crisis. Rather, you're usually stuck trying to make least harmful choice. Would you really come here of your own volition if you thought you could survive it any other way?
You look into Lily's eyes. Her frown is turning to a sob.
[["It's not forever."->D4 Lily Not Forever]]
[["You'll get used to it."->D4 Lily Get Used To It]]"Is it your first time?" you ask. You know enough to see that she's not a regular here.
"It's my last time," she responds. "My hormones are fucked. How is this supposed to help?"
You frown sympathetically as you look over the empty room again. It sure gets lonely when no one is awake. "I'm sorry," you say. "I don't know how that helps either."
She walks over to the counter by the sink and leans against it. "It's just - it makes me want to kill myself, you know that?"
The really frank conversations about life and death don't often come up in your experience, unless you bring it up. It's strange how in a space full of people who are suicidal, almost no one wants to talk about it.
You're always surprised when they do.
[["It's not forever."->D4 Lily Not Forever]]
[["You'll get used to it."->D4 Lily Get Used To It]]"It helps to make friends," you say. And it's true. Making friends - keeping busy - it all makes the time move that much faster.
Lily nods. "I talked to Amara a bit."
(if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[
The shame rushes to the front of your face as you worry - you fear - that Amara told Lily how you treated them earlier. You shake your head quickly and glance over to the window as the sun peeks up over the horizon.
](else:)[
Indeed. Amara is a good one to talk to. They're definitely one of the more interesting people in here, though you don't understand why they spend all their time with Patricia.
]
Lily fills the silence. "I feel so weird about being here."
You nod. "It's hard not to," you say.
She looks down, saying nothing more.
[["It's not forever."->D4 Lily Not Forever]]
[["You'll get used to it."->D4 Lily Get Used To It]]"It's not forever," you say. At the same time you try to remind yourself of that fact. It's not forever. Eventually you'll be back home to pick up the pieces.
Lily nods. "I know. All I want to do is pretend to be OK until they let me leave."
"That's an option," you say. It's something you've done before, too. Take a shower, brush your hair, launder your clothes. Do it everyday, no matter how bad it feels. The nurses write it down. Although, in your case, you think your doctor knew what you were trying to do.
You and Lily stand silently for a few minutes.
You decide to ask her a question.
[["Did you come in here by yourself?"->D4 Lily By Herself]]
[["Is it depression?"->D4 Lily Diagnosis]]"You'll get used to it," you say. "Nothing's worse than the first couple days." You're not sure you believe your own advice, but you're just trying to help. You hope you're helping, anyway.
"I miss my girlfriend." Lily looks away a moment. "I'm so far away from home," she says.
You nod. "Home will be waiting for you when you get back." Once again, you're disagreeing with yourself. How could a home be waiting for you when you have no rent money to pay for it? You push the thought further to the back of your mind. You can only deal with so much at once.
Lily shakes her head. "That's not what I mean. I miss my hometown."
"Your hometown?" you ask.
"Yeah. I don't have any friends here," she says.
[["What about your girlfriend?"->D4 Lily About Girlfriend]]
[["It's hard when you're isolated."->D4 Lily Isolated]]"What about your girlfriend?" you ask.
Lily shakes her head. "My girlfriend went to a different school."
Right. Lily must have moved here to study. She seems to be around that age. "So you're doing the long-distance thing?" you ask.
"Yes," she says. "She could take a bus over. I don't know what she's waiting for."
You don't know her situation and you don't want to judge, but you do wonder if taking a bus to another city is a lot to ask of a student. You bite your tongue and leave it out.
[[Continue.->D4 Lily Torch The Place]]"It's hard when you're isolated," you say.
"You know a thing about that?" she asks.
You nod. You don't want to think about it, because it makes you very sad. You remember anyway. You remember moving to the city and leaving your old friends behind. You remember existing in this alien world where no one knows you. You remember being hospitalized and having no one to call. You remember.
"I do," you say. You leave it at that.
[[Continue.->D4 Lily Torch The Place]]"Did you come in here by yourself?"
She shakes her head. "I told my roommate I was going to kill myself. He told the don. The don called the cops."
"Co-ed roommate?" you ask. You're not sure why this is important or even matters.
"My residence doesn't recognize trans women," she responds. "If you don't mind, I really don't want to talk about that."
"Oh, um, sure," you respond. You wonder if your reaction counts as 'talking about it' - it's certainly horrible. Still, you keep it to yourself. Whatever you're feeling about this can't be as bad as what she's feeling.
[[Continue.->D4 Lily Torch The Place]]Lily sighs. "I swear to god, if I don't get my hormones soon I will torch this fucking hospital."
Your eyes widen. "You want to burn the whole place down?"
She eyes you suspiciously. "You mean //you don't?// What the hell is wrong with you?" She says this through laughter. She's smiling. It's something.
[["I guess I'll allow it."->D4 Lily Allow It]]
[["We'd have to break the patients out first."->D4 Lily Break Out]]"Is it depression?"
Lily tosses her hair back again. "Are you asking for my diagnosis?"
You shrug. "Only if you want to say it."
"The doctor says I have BPD," Lily responds. Borderline personality disorder - Hazel told you that she has it too.
"What do you think?" you ask.
"Honestly?" Lily tilts her head as she looks at you.
"Yes, honestly."
"Personally? I think the doctor was a transmisogynist with a stick up his ass."
You can't help it. You break out into laughter at what Lily just told you. Indeed, she's not the only one who rejects her diagnosis. You've met people who completely reject psychiatry as a whole.
You're not sure where //you// stand. You just don't want to die.
Rather, you don't want to want to die.
[[Continue.->D4 Lily Torch The Place]]"I guess I'll allow it," you say.
"So you won't step in and foil my plans?" she asks.
[["I'm good."->D4 Lily I'm Good]]
[["I want a cut of the insurance money."->D4 Lily Insurance Money]]"We'd have to break the patients out first," you say. If you're going to torch the hospital, you don't want to kill any of the friends you've made up here.
Lily responds, "But most of us want to die anyway."
"Well no one is saying they //have// to escape with us. I just think we should give them the option." You're surprised at how caught up you are in this fantasy.
Lily nods. "OK. //Fine.// But we're letting all the doctors and nurses burn."
[["What about Mike? Mike is nice."->D4 Lily What About Mike]]
[["Burn them all."->D4 Lily Burn All]]"What about Mike? Mike is nice."
"//Fine.// But Caroline goes on the kill list."
You're a bit startled. You have a //kill list// now? "Who's Caroline?" you ask.
"My nurse yesterday. (if: $Acute is not true)[She rolled her eyes when I asked about my hormones.](else-if: $D3LilyUpset is true)[You know, the one who rolled her eyes.](else:)[You said you had her too.]"
//Caroline.// Right. She's not your favourite person either.
[["Burn her."->D4 Lily Burn Her]]
[["Maybe we should be reasonable."->D4 Lily Be Reasonable]]"Burn them all," you say.
Lily responds, "We can lock them in the nursing station. They never leave that fishbowl anyway - no one would notice!"
You're laughing. It's so true - they all act like they're so busy in there. You wonder what they're //actually// doing. (if: $D1SawNurseMovie is true)[You remember catching one of them on Netflix during your first night here.](else:)[Probably checking Facebook or watching Netflix.] What a waste.
Still, you wonder if this is a joke gone too far.
[["Maybe we should be reasonable."->D4 Lily Be Reasonable]]
[["How should we set this fire?"->D4 Lily How Set Fire]]"Burn her," you say. (if: $Acute is true)[You had her in the back room - you don't much fancy her.](else:)[You saw how she treated Lily yesterday. She might as well burn to death.]
"Actually, most people die from smoke inhalation," Lily points out.
Smoke inhalation. Right. You suppose that she would suffocate before she burns to death. "Honestly, I can still get behind that," you say.
"What do you mean?" she asks.
"I doubt breathing smoke is a fun way to die," you respond.
You both stop talking and look at each other for a second. You burst out into laughter. Talking about killing people in a fire, for whatever reason, is an amazing bonding experience.
Amazing - for being on the psych ward, anyway.
[[Continue.->D4 Fire End]]"Maybe we should be reasonable," you say.
"What do you //mean?//" she asks.
"I mean like, maybe we should take legal action instead. We could profit off of it instead of going to jail."
"Just plead insanity!" she says.
You think of all your grievances about your current hospital stay, multiplied. "I don't much fancy time in a forensic psych unit," you respond. You don't like the thought of it at all.
"You assume we would get caught."
And you know you would, of course. It's all fantasy anyway, but it's going beyond your comfort level at this point.
[[Continue.->D4 Fire End]]"How should we set this fire?" you ask.
Lily looks up thoughtfully. "We'll probably have to make it a gas fire. This hospital doesn't look all that flammable."
You try to imagine it. "A gas canister would be hard to sneak in here, don't you think?"
She nods. "It certainly wouldn't fit in my underwear. I might be able to hold it underneath my hospital gown."
You fumble with the mental image of a gasoline canister dangling underneath her gown. Not inconspicuous at all. "So, assuming no one looks up your dress, you're good?" you ask.
"Yup. I just need to get myself some privileges!" she says. You suppose she's right - she'll have to get privileges to fetch the gasoline. Perhaps by then you'll be bored of this fantasy.
[[Continue.->D4 Fire End]]"I'm good," you say. "Besides, the first rule of the psych ward is to mind your own business."
"Even when it's about to be burnt to the ground?" she asks.
"There's probably something morally reprehensible about destroying an entire hospital, but I want to die anyway so..." You never know if the suicide jokes are appropriate. It varies from person to person, you've found.
Lily smiles. "Thanks," she says. "You're a real pal." It seems she appreciated the joke - or at least wasn't opposed to it. All is well.
You look toward the door and you see a man walk in. Mike. Is he your nurse again today?
He approaches you. "Could I borrow you for a moment?" he asks.
You're a bit surprised. Surely he didn't hear your conversation with Lily just now. Did he?
You leave the common space with him. He leads you to your room.
[[Go inside.->D4 Mike Start]]"I want a cut of the insurance money."
Lily says, "Right. Insurance money. That's a bummer."
A bummer? "Why a bummer?"
"You're not going to get a cut," she points out. "That'll all go to the CEO, or whoever the hell owns this place."
You think for a moment. Who //does// own this place? Who is this place accountable to? You decide to look into it later. "So we'd have to steal it from whomever."
"At this point we may as well rob a bank," she says.
"Damn mentally ill people. Always setting fires and robbing banks."
"Mentally //ill?// Speak for yourself!" she fires back.
And it hits you. You just defined Lily's experience for her. You're swept over with shame, but you don't apologize. It's hard, and it was an honest mistake, right?
[[Continue.->D4 Fire End]]{
(set: $D4FireOverhead to true)
}You and Lily awkwardly smile at each other as you both reflect on the bizarre conversation you just had. As you do, you take a moment to glance across the room - you see Peter sitting on the couch near the TV. Your face immediately turns a bright shade of red as you realize your conversation was overheard.
He doesn't look happy. You try not to read into it. He could be unhappy about a great number of things.
You look at Lily again. For the first time since you got here, her face reflects a level of concern. What could it be?
You look back at the couch, and Peter is gone.
"You don't think..." you start, but you're unable to finish the sentence.
"No way," she says. "Peter's cool."
You nod in agreement. Peter //is// cool, but you're still worried.
A moment later, a man walks through the door. A male nurse - it's Mike. He approaches you. "Jessica, would you mind coming with me?"
You feel your hairs stand on end. "Sure," you say. You wave to Lily as you follow Mike out of the common space.
He leads you to your room.
[[Go inside.->D4 Mike Start]]"Lily hates me," you say.
"She hasn't said anything to me," Peter responds.
"I guess that's good," you say. His reaction does not reassure you. Perhaps Lily keeps her resentments to herself. You could probably learn something from how she handles conflict.
Peter than adds, "Look Jessica, I know you're solid. Hazel does too."
(if: $D2BulliedAmara is true)[Amara might not think you're entirely solid.] (if: $D3YuaUnhappy is true)[Yua would certainly argue on this point.] You tilt your head. Is it worth reconciling Peter's comment with how you actually feel?
"I hope you decide to live," Peter says.
"Isn't that a strange thing to say in here?" you ask.
"What do you mean?"
"Why are //you// here?" you ask. You find it so strange that another suicidal person might care about whether you live or die.
Peter shrugs. "I'm here because some people hoped I would decide to live too."
You nod. You don't respond. You don't need to, and you don't want to.
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Mike Start]]You decide to aim for something more light-hearted. "I like to dress like a woman too."
Peter smiles. "So you're saying I'm normal?"
You nod. "I honestly don't care how you dress. I don't think anyone should care."
Peter responds, "Well, there is cultural appropriation."
Right. Cultural appropriation. "OK," you say. "Right, so just don't appropriate and you're good." You worry that your patience is running rather thin.
You and Peter sit in silence. The conversation is going nowhere.
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Mike Start]]"Are you glad you came in?" you ask.
Peter nods. "Yeah. I mean, staff is pretty OK. I've been in some really bad hospitals, but this one's OK."
You think on what Peter just said, in part because your own experience of this place is //beyond// frustrating. You sometimes regret coming in, rather than facing life - or death - on the outside. "What about Lily's hormones?" you ask.
Peter frowns. "That is a concern. I honestly hope it gets sorted out."
You say, "I just mean, is this place //that// great if it can't offer a trans woman healthcare?" You feel odd speaking up for Lily, knowing she's just across the room - knowing that she's not too happy with you. You also wish Peter would see this place in the same light that you do.
Peter nods. "It bothers me too. Privilege I guess."
"Privilege?"
"I'm cis - maybe - probably." He fumbles through it. "Well, right now anyway, my body makes my hormones. No one can take them away."
You nod. It's not something you worry about either - well, perhaps it would be a concern were you on birth control. You don't know.
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Mike Start]]The conversation has lost its ground. That is, if it ever had any to begin with. There is something unpleasantly awkward about sitting in this room with Peter, just a few metres away from Lily. You wonder if you should have tried harder to make amends with her.
You wonder.
You and Peter make eye contact again. You want to say something, but you honestly can't come up with anything. It leaves you feeling a little bit strange. You try to ignore the strange feeling. You keep trying for a while.
Out of the corner of the eye, you watch a man walk into the room. It's Mike. Perhaps he will save you from this.
He approaches you. "Could we have a word?" he asks. There's nothing more ominous than a question like that. You wonder what the word is about.
You follow him to your room.
[[Go inside.->D4 Mike Start]]"Do you have anything to look forward to when you get out?"
Peter shrugs. A moment later, he cracks a smile. "I'd get my phone back. I'm going crazy without it."
You can relate. These are tools you rely on for connection with the world - you rarely feel more disconnected than you do during a psych admission.
Peter fills the silence. "I've been to hospitals that let me keep my phone."
//Seriously?// You don't understand why cell phones are such a problem in the first place. Nurses cite privacy reasons, but of course //they// get to walk around with their cell phones. "We really need to make a list of hospitals that allow that," you say.
He smiles. "Sure. We ought to make a guide."
"Psychadvisor?" you suggest.
"That'd be //awesome!//" he responds.
You smile. You nod. He smiles. He nods.
The conversation drifts away as you both long for something else.
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Mike Start]]You noticed the hallway was more active than before. It seems the unit is waking up. You settle down on your bed, and Mike stands before you.
"How are you?" he asks. (if: $D4FireOverhead is true)[You breathe a sigh of relief. Peter didn't tell. The last thing you want to do is explain that conversation to hospital staff.]
[["I'm fine."->D4 Mike I'm Fine]]`
[["It's hard."->D4 Mike It's Hard]]"I'm fine," you say almost reflexively. A moment passes and you realize what you did. You just told your nurse that //you're fine.// You're wary of early discharge, and you hope you didn't just seal your fate.
Mike nods. "OK. Sounds like you're doing better than yesterday," he says.
"Yes?" you ask. You don't want to tell him the wrong thing. These meetings terrify you, as your responses subtly influence the outcome of your stay.
"That's great!" Mike says, and you're not sure how great it really is.
[["I guess so."->D4 Mike Guess So]]
[["I still feel like crap, I mean."->D4 Mike Feel Crap]]"It's hard," you say. You're not sure what else to add. Being here is hard. Being alive is hard. You try hard not to think about Cassandra. You try to push it away. You can't handle it right now.
"What's hard?" Mike asks.
You shake your head. "I don't know."
Mike says, "I really need you to tell me more."
He //needs// to hear more? You're not sure what to say to that. You want to scream out at him. What does he honestly know about you? How could talking to a nurse honestly help matters?
You struggle with it for a time. The silence grows heavy, and as time passes you're further motivated to say something. Anything.
[["I //can't// tell you more."->D4 Mike Can't Tell More]]
[["I am struggling with guilt over something."->D4 Mike Struggling With Guilt]]
[["My cat died, and I'm to blame."->D4 Mike Cat Died]]"I guess so," you say. You're a bit strained at this moment - it's that awkward time in the hospital admission where you're not sure if you're staying or going. Truthfully, you do not know what you want. Staying would be safer. Maybe. But what about your emotional safety?
Mike responds, "What is it?"
"I'm not sure if I should be here or not." (if: $Formed is true)[You grasp the loose fabric of your hospital gown. (if: $DayFormIsUp is 4)[Your form is up today, and soon you could be in your own clothes.](else:)[Your form won't be up today, but perhaps you could talk your way into your street clothes again - if you need that.]]
Mike nods. (if: $Formed is true)[(if: $DayFormIsUp is 4)["Your form is up today, so your doctor will most likely review it."
Review it? It makes you a tiny bit nervous. Despite your ambivalence, you're afraid of being dumped outside while you're still suicidal. You're very afraid.
](else:)["You can talk to your doctor about it, but your form isn't up yet."
You don't know how to feel about this. Mentally, you're pulled in many directions at once. You don't want to leave the hospital while you're suicidal, but the truth is you're getting sick of this place.
]](else:)["Well, you're voluntary right now. You should talk to your doctor about it."
The all-powerful psychiatrist. You're not aware of another medical profession empowered to take control of your life - although honestly, you're not thinking too hard about it right now.
]
Your life is currently in the hospital's hands, and that is a strange comfort. Mike says, "What do you hope to get out of your hospital stay?"
[["Safety."->D4 Mike Safety]]
[["Healing."->D4 Mike Healing]]"I still feel like crap, I mean." You try your best to smooth it over - to write it off as apathy and indifference. You're still depressed after all, and it's not going to change anytime soon.
Mike responds, "I don't expect you to be on top of the world. I mean, you're here, right?"
You nod. "I guess that's right."
He then says, "Tomorrow is Saturday. Your doctor will have to decide whether you're staying for the weekend."
Talk of discharge already leaves you somewhat wary. It's as though they have talked about it already, amongst themselves.
[["Do you think I'll be discharged today?"->D4 Mike Discharged Today]]
[["Why are you talking about discharge?"->D4 Mike Talking About Discharge]]"Do you think I'll be discharged today?" you ask. The thought is frightening - it's the emotional equivalent of being cast out into the cold.
Mike responds, "I can't tell you. It's up to your doctor to decide."
(if: $Formed is true)[(if: $DayFormIsUp is 4)[
"Am I being kicked out just because my form is up?" you ask. It's unthinkable, but you want to be ready for it if that's the case.
Mike says, "I can't tell you what your doctor will decide. It's beyond my power."
](else:)[
"My form isn't up. Why are we even having this conversation?" You never know what to expect, but you can't possibly imagine being discharged so soon. You're still suicidal.
]](else:)[
"I'm //still// suicidal!" you exclaim. It's shocking to even hear talk of discharge. You may be a voluntary patient, but it would be negligent to let you go.
]
Mike says, "I'm not your doctor. I can't tell you what will happen. I just want you to understand that it's a //possibility.//"
"It would be //negligent.//" you emphasize. You wish he would listen. You wish anyone would listen right now.
Mike says, "Can we move on?"
"//Move on?//"
"Please?" he asks.
You wait a moment before responding. What good would continuing this do? "Fine," you say. There isn't much point in arguing.
[[Continue.->D4 Mike Medication]]"Why are you talking about discharge?" you ask. It seems odd for Mike to just bring that up out of nowhere. You //know// there is a reason for it. Someone has been talking about it behind the scenes. You know it.
Mike responds, "Well, it's my experience that patients who are safe to go home are often discharged before the weekend."
"I'm //not// safe," you say.
"Right," Mike says. "I don't decide if you stay or go. It's up to your doctor." It's always up to someone else. It's never up to you.
"This is a bit shocking," you say. You lean back a little as you listen to Mike fumbling for words.
"Jessica, we really must move on."
And it's true. Mike may be the lens through which you witness the hospital bureaucracy, but he is not the source of the problem. The system is the problem. The system - how efficiently it works against the needs of the most vulnerable.
"Fine," you say after a moment. There isn't much you can do to interrupt the flow of things. You've been damned from the start, and you know it.
[[Continue.->D4 Mike Medication]] "Safety," you say. It's all you can expect from this space. Monitoring, supervision - basically adult babysitting. Perhaps it's a reductive conclusion, but you know for certain that you don't go to the hospital because you believe it will heal you. You only go because it's your last option before taking your own life.
Mike responds, "The hospital's focus is to treat mental illness." //Treatment.// There is nothing more crude than the clinical gaze. Treatment normally means medication, as though the ingestion of antidepressants can shift you closer to life.
You don't believe that it can.
You say, "I come here because it's what I'm supposed to do."
He nods. He has nothing to add.
You wonder what practical use psychiatric hospitals could have. To you, and countless others, they are just suicide prevention facilities. Nothing more.
Mike says, "I need to shift the conversation a bit."
You nod. You accept it. Nothing you think or say can change what happens to you.
[[Continue.->D4 Mike Medication]]"Healing," you say. "I just want to get better." It pains you on a spiritual level, and you are forced to think of Cassandra once again. Once again you question your worthiness in the face of what you've done - or what you didn't do. It's a cycle you can't seem to break free from. It haunts you no matter where you go and what you do.
Mike nods. "You can't fully heal in a hospital, but you can certainly take the first steps."
//The first steps.// How many times must you take these first steps before you stop falling apart? Is there something wrong with you, or is there something wrong with the system? Do you question it, or does it question you?
There is no clear answer. "I've been taking those steps forever," you say. Your intimate knowledge of the system leaves you discouraged - you know what treatment is out there, and it's never the treatment you need.
Mike says, "It's a different process for everyone."
He tries, but it's all fluff and you both know it. Empathy is hard to produce on demand, and he must meet with a lot of hopeless people. It's nice that he tries.
"I have one more thing to ask you," he says.
You nod, and you listen.
[[Continue.->D4 Mike Medication]]"I //can't// tell you more," you say. You truly wish you could - you truly wish your problem was easy to talk about. However, the words do not come. You wonder if what Yua tried to tell you was actually true. You wonder if it isn't better to try to pick up and move on.
You wish it wasn't your fault. That's all you want, as you continue to bargain with the universe. You can accept that she's dead, but you can't accept that it's your fault.
Mike shrugs. "I wish you would open up about it. You're not the only one who finds it hard, but if you want the hospital to help..."
And that's the crux of the matter. You aren't even sure that the hospital //can// help with this problem. (if: $GTalkedAboutCat is true)[The nurses seem to be stuck on the theory that it wasn't your fault or responsibility. It //was.//](else:)[Either way, you're too ashamed to own up to it.]
You stare at him for a moment, unsure of what to say.
[["Do you think I'll survive this?"->D4 Mike Survive This]]
[["Do you think I'm worthy of survival?"->D4 Mike Worthy]]"I am struggling with guilt over something," you say.
"Can you tell me what it is?" Mike asks.
You want to tell him. You desperately want to tell him what happened. (if: $GTalkedAboutCat is true)[Perhaps he's already read in your chart, but it scares you to think that anyone knows.](else:)[You couldn't bring yourself to tell staff. (if: $D2ToldJonCatDead is true)[You couldn't even bring yourself to tell your best friend.](else:)[It haunts you, and you suspect it always will.]]
"Jessica, I need you to be present with me," Mike says.
You feel like you should apologize, but you're feeling more annoyed than apologetic. You're at a low point in your life - perhaps the lowest point - and Mike wants you to be more //present?// It's absurd. "Whatever," you utter with contempt.
"Don't push me away."
He cares. For a moment, you feel lucky to be his patient. You feel lucky to have someone who cares.
[["Do you think I'll survive this?"->D4 Mike Survive This]]
[["Do you think I'm worthy of survival?"->D4 Mike Worthy]]"My cat died, and I'm to blame." (if: $GTalkedAboutCat is false)[At once you wonder why it was so hard to say. At any rate, it's done now.]
Mike nods. You think of Yua, and you think of what she was trying to tell you. Mike says, "What happened?"
You shake your head. It's so painful to even consider saying out loud. You've already told him the important part - that you caused this. Or at least you permitted it through inaction. "I didn't bring her to a vet. She died."
Mike nods again. "These things happen," he says.
//These things happen?// As though you exist in a vacuum of responsibility where you're allowed to just accept that //things happen?// You shake your head. Things don't just happen. Not always, anyway. You can't help the fact that she was sick, but you did fail to help her when she needed you most. It didn't just //happen.// You deliberately chose it.
"Can we just move on?" you ask. You don't expect him to get it the way you do. All you can expect is the continued medicalization of your guilt.
Mike responds, "I want you to get through this."
You aren't sure what to say.
[["Do you think I'll survive this?"->D4 Mike Survive This]]
[["Do you think I'm worthy of survival?"->D4 Mike Worthy]]{
(set: $GTalkedAboutCat to true)
}"Do you think I'll survive this?"
Mike nods. "Yes, I do think you'll be OK."
"But wait," you start. You take a deep breath. "Haven't you lost patients before?"
His eyes look sad. Mike nods again. "Part of my job is accepting what I do not know. We won't necessarily hear of it when a former patient commits suicide."
//Commit// suicide? Why does everyone say it like that - as though taking your life is akin to committing a crime? It is a crime in some jurisdictions, so maybe it's painfully accurate, but you find it stigmatizing and cringe whenever someone says it.
You can't bring yourself to comment. "OK," you say. The conversation brings another sad thought to light. You've been in so many psych wards that you have almost certainly met people who are dead now. You are almost certainly interacting with people who will die of suicide later. You think of everyone you've met in here - it kills you to know that not everyone will make it.
[[Continue.->D4 Mike Medication]]"Do you think I'm worthy of survival?"
Mike tilts his head. "What does it mean to be worthy?"
You're not sure. The guilt crushes you. You suppose you want to know if you're worthy of life after crushing another out of existence. Then again, maybe people won't understand or appreciate it. Certainly your culture devalues the lives of animals. (if: $GTalkedAboutCat is true)[While that does explain some of the non-answers you've received, it certainly doesn't help you feel any better.](else:)[Perhaps that culture kept you from taking her to an emergency vet. This examination of privilege leaves you feeling more guilty.]
Mike fills the silence. "Guilt is common in depression." You //know// it's common, but you feel like he's missing the point. "I hope you will try to look at yourself compassionately. I know it's not easy."
You nod. It truly isn't easy, and at least Mike isn't acting like it is. You think of Cassandra. When you're not feeling guilty about ending her life, you miss her. You truly miss her. "I guess I'll try," you say.
[[Continue.->D4 Mike Medication]]"How are you feeling about the medication?" he asks.
You don't know what to say. The medication is useless as ever. You haven't been helped by any medication that you can tell. Maybe the occasional Ativan is nice, but doctors don't like prescribing it. You can only get it on the ward.
You shrug. What do you want to say?
[["The medication is fine."->D4 Mike Medication Fine]]
[["Nothing helps."->D4 Mike Nothing Helps]]"The medication is fine," you say. It's not fine, not //really,// but you'd rather not be lectured on chemical imbalances.
"Could you say more?" he asks.
You shrug. "No significant side effects." Your response feels robotic. You just want the meeting to be over. That said, it's amazing that you haven't noticed //any// side effects, but then again, you're not really looking for them either. It might be nice to know if there are sexual side effects, but the hospital isn't your favourite place to test that out.
Mike responds, "OK, that's good. Do you think it's helping?"
You shrug your shoulders. It certainly isn't bringing Cassandra back, if that's what he's asking about.
Mike nods. "That's fair," he says.
A loud crackling noise emanates from the PA system. An announcement is coming.
[[Listen.->D4 Breakfast Announcement]]"Nothing helps," you utter. You don't //want// to sound as though you're wallowing in misery, but you're in a hospital. You're stuck in time in a completely different world - another dimension - with its own patterns and laws. It's hard to say if anything can help in here.
Mike responds, "I understand how it could feel that way."
"It //is// that way," you say. "What's the point of even being here?"
Mike says, "From my perspective, our job is to get people back on their feet. We try our best to get people back to their lives."
Mike is a strange nurse in this place. He is compassionate, though frustrating at times. He seems to believe in his work. Does he believe in //this place?// It's hard to tell. He probably wouldn't tell you if you asked. It is his job after all.
You hear a crackling noise as the PA system turns on.
[[Continue.->D4 Breakfast Announcement]]**"Attention everyone. Breakfast is now being served in the common area. Remember to wash your hands and put your tray back when you're done. Breakfast is in the dining area."**
The same old announcement. Mike says, "I won't keep you waiting." He stands and walks to the doorway. When he reaches the doorway, he turns around and looks at you for a moment. "Not hungry?"
You're hungry, but not for another hard-boiled egg. "I'll eat," you say, so as not to cause any suspicion or alarm. You'd rather not explain it if you don't feel like eating. It's just another thing to go in your chart.
Mike nods, and he walks out. You rise from the bed. (if: $Formed is true)[You gently shuffle your hospital gown so that it's no longer sticking to your skin.](else:)[You reach down and adjust your pant legs so that they rest against your socks.] You walk out into the hallway.
When you reach the cart, there is a short line up. It's not as active as usual and people are relatively quiet. You reach for your tray.
<hr/>**Jessica Meredith Gonzales
DOB: August 23, 1985
DIET: Standard, no known allergies
BREAKFAST
1 cup coffee (decaf)
1 pkt sugar
1 milkette
1 pkt margarine
1 pkt pepper
1 pineapple juice
1 milk (250ml)
1 srv marble cheddar light
1 srv ww toast
1 hard boiled egg
1 plastic spoon
1 plastic fork
1 napkin**<hr/>
You look over the dining area. It isn't as packed as usual. In fact, everyone is carrying their trays back to their rooms. You spy Patricia sitting alone with her tray - she looks unhappy. (if: $D3AmaraFBomb is true)[You aren't sure that your presence will help anything. She wasn't happy with you yesterday.](else:)[You don't know if you can help her right now - being so caught in your own mind.]
Still, it feels too awkward to sit alone. You move up and sit across from her. You wonder where Amara is.
"Hey," you say to her.
"Hey," she responds.
[[Start eating.->D4 Breakfast Start]]You take the dull end of your plastic spoon and start chipping away at your lukewarm egg.
Patricia is picking at her egg across from you. You try to make some small talk.
[["I'm getting tired of the eggs."->D4 Breakfast Tired Eggs]]
[["How about the weather?"->D4 Breakfast Weather]]"I'm getting tired of the eggs," you say as you pick shell pieces off of it.
"Then don't eat them," she responds. Humourless. You thought she was usually more talkative than this.
[["What's wrong?"->D4 Breakfast What's Wrong]]"How about the weather?" you ask sarcastically. You pry off the narrow end of the egg and flick the shell chips away.
"You're a comedian," Patricia responds. She's not impressed. Your first thought is to respond defensively, but you wonder if a compassionate response is better.
[["What's wrong?"->D4 Breakfast What's Wrong]]"What's wrong?" The compassionate route seems like the best option. Patricia may not be your favourite person, but she doesn't normally talk like this. She's so withdrawn, as though she doesn't want company at all - but curiously she eats in the common space instead of her room. Maybe she's hoping someone will ask.
"My internal review didn't go through," she responds. "ODSP maintains their decision."
She must be a social assistance recipient. "Their decision?" you ask.
"My medical review was up. They said that I do not meet the definition of disability," she responds. "I requested an internal review. Nothing. I just talked to my worker."
"Wait," you say. "You were cut off?"
She nods. "I don't know what to do. They're killing me."
[["Why don't they think you have a disability?"->D4 Breakfast Why Don't]]
[["What did your worker say?"->D4 Breakfast Worker Say]]"What did your worker say?" you ask.
"He was short," she responds. "Told me the review was done and the decision stands."
"What decision?" you ask.
"I just //told// you," Patricia responds. "Apparently I'm not disabled enough to receive income support. I might as well be dead."
[["You'll be OK."->D4 Breakfast You'll Be OK]]
[["Don't talk like that."->D4 Breakfast Don't Talk Like That]]"Why don't they think you have a disability?" you ask.
Patricia shrugs. "I guess being depressed and suicidal doesn't count."
[["Of course it does."->D4 Breakfast Does Count]]
[["You'll be OK."->D4 Breakfast You'll Be OK]]"You'll be OK," you say. You pick out pieces of solid egg white with you finger and spread across your slice of bread.
"What on Earth gives you that idea?" Patricia asks.
"I mean, I'm sure you'll find a way."
She shakes her head and sends a glare your way. "I'm //going// to be homeless because of this."
In that moment you think about your home and your job - or what is left of your job. They've probably moved on at this point. You're probably facing homelessness too. "Can the hospital help advocate?" you ask.
She responds, "Don't you //understand?// It's going to tribunal. No one can stop that."
You nod, and you look down at your food. You're not feeling very hungry anymore.
[[Continue.->D4 Breakfast Continue]]"Don't talk like that," you say.
"Oh really?" Patricia responds. "Are we not in a psych unit? I'll say whatever I damn well please." She turns her head toward the door to the common room. She yells, "That's //right//, Gail. I'm going to kill myself, and I don't give a shit!"
You turn to the doorway and indeed it is Gail - your nurse when you arrived here. You catch her rolling her eyes and walking away. You turn back to Patricia.
"See?" she asks. "No one cares if I live or die."
"I care," you say reflexively.
"And that helps me how?"
"Amara cares," you quickly add. Perhaps that will sway her to think more cautiously.
"Amara can't //pay my bills,//" she responds. It seems like a valid point. There's probably nothing you can do to help her right now.
You both sit silently for a moment.
[[Continue.->D4 Breakfast Continue]]"Of course it does," you exclaim as you spread pieces of egg white over your piece of toast.
Patricia snaps back, "Oh really? Then do you want to tell me why I was denied?"
"I don't know," you respond. "Social institutions are heartless. Barbaric. Your disability is valid." You bite into the piece of bread, picking up some bland egg whites in the process.
Patricia shrugs. She pokes at her spongy piece of toast. "What am I supposed to do now?"
Indeed - what is anyone supposed to do? You're not on assistance, but you still wonder that about your own survival - your own ability to pay the rent. With a system this brutal - this arbitrary - is it even worth it to apply? You suppose you would if it was your only option.
"Appeal?" you suggest.
"Gee, I never thought of that," she responds.
Patricia is in a wonderful mood this morning.
[[Continue.->D4 Breakfast Continue]]You reach for the slice of cheese and start peeling open the plastic encasement.
As you do this, Patricia speaks. "Sorry Jess. I'm not OK right now."
Patricia //apologizing?// You suppose anything can happen. You want to ask her if there is anything you can do, but you hold back. For one thing, you suppose that she won't even know what to ask you of you. It's not like you can - or will - move mountains for her. Secondly, you're not actually sure you //can// do something for her. You want to die too. You have problems you can't fix too.
[["I'm sorry you're going through this."->D4 Breakfast I'm Sorry]]
[["Do you need your nurse?"->D4 Breakfast Need Nurse]]"I'm sorry you're going through this," you say. It's such a useless and generic response to something that you're powerless to fix. You can't feel any sorrier, but it doesn't exactly change anything.
"Thanks for listening," she responds. "It's all anyone can do."
"That's not true," you say. "At the very least the hospital could help with your appeal."
Patricia shakes her head. "Are we even in the same hospital?" she asks. "They won't do shit. You know that."
You nod. This hospital experience is certainly not helpful. It might be keeping you alive. It might not. You don't actually know how you'd be doing on the outside.
[[Continue.->D4 Breakfast End]]"Do you need your nurse?" you ask.
She responds, "Gail is my nurse. Do you know Gail?"
You remember Gail when you arrived on the unit. She wasn't the most helpful nurse. (if: $D2GailTalkedAboutCat is true)[You remember her reaction to hearing about Cassandra. You wince as you replay it in your head.](else:)[Blunt - that's what you'd call her. Very blunt.] You nod to Patricia.
"Then you already have your answer," she says. She takes a sip of the lukewarm coffee. "Best way to start the day," she jokes.
You take a sip of your own. The joke isn't very funny.
[[Continue.->D4 Breakfast End]]You aren't finished your tray. You've barely picked at it, honestly. This isn't your favourite food - you're getting tired of it. Perhaps you'll have better luck at lunch? You realize that without finishing your egg, your toast, you may be hungry this morning. You usually try to make a point of choking down what you can because the portions are so small.
You're making an exception this time.
"I'm done," you say as you look up at Patricia.
She nods. "I don't blame you."
You truly want to get away from the conversation. Patricia is in a bad mood and it's starting to rub off on you. You try to be sympathetic to what she's going through. Still, you're very glad it's not something that's happening to you. It puts things in perspective at least. You don't know yet if you're fired, but you can just get another job.
You smile at Patricia as you return your tray to the cart. You step out into the hall.
A voice calls out. "Jess!" It's Hazel.
You turn to her. Strangely, she is no longer in her hospital gown. She wears her street clothes.
[[Say hello.->D4 Hazel Say Hello]]"I'm out!" she exclaims as you stand together in the hall. "I'm out! I'm out! I'm out!"
"Wait." You're confused. "You're going home?"
"//Yes!//"
"What about your hearing?" you ask. The news about Hazel leaving makes you sad. Very sad. In fact, her hearing left you convinced that she would be here for the duration of your stay. You feel bad about it, but a part of you did count on it.
"It's cancelled," she responds. "Today's doctor is the //best.// He discharged me. I'm just waiting for Jay to come get me."
(if: $Acute is true and $D3AcuteLearnedBoyfriend is not true)[
Discharge? You worry a moment - will you meet the same fate? Then you realize something you missed. "Jay?" you ask, puzzled.
"My boyfriend," she responds. Hazel has a boyfriend? You're surprised she never brought it up. Then again, it probably isn't any of your business.
](else:)[
He discharged her? As happy as you are for Hazel, you worry for the other patients. You worry for yourself, too. You try to put it out of your mind.
]
[["So I guess you're not eating?"->D4 Hazel Not Eating]]
[["What did the doctor say?"->D4 Hazel Doctor Say]]"So I guess you're not eating?" you ask.
Hazel laughs. "As much as I hate to turn down free food, Jay is taking me to my favourite diner. Bacon and eggs!"
"Aren't you sick of eggs?" you ask.
She responds, "Hard boiled eggs are an abomination. I'll be getting mine sunny side up. Salty and greasy."
You nod. It's been a while since you tasted salt and grease. You'd kill for some right now. "Sounds lovely," you say. You force a smile in her direction.
(if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[[["Are we going to keep in touch?"->D4 Hazel Keep In Touch]]
][["Thank you for your friendship."->D4 Hazel Thank You]]"What did the doctor say?"
"It's //amazing.// I simply told him the story. He verified that I won't harm myself or, you know, my dad. After that, he gave the discharge order."
You nod. "Wow," you say. While you don't know the full story, you aren't exactly surprised that she is discharged. Her story confused you in the first place.
"I can't wait to go home," she says. She even does an adorable little spin in front of you. "Home!"
You smile. It's too cute not to smile.
(if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[[["Are we going to keep in touch?"->D4 Hazel Keep In Touch]]
][["Thank you for your friendship."->D4 Hazel Thank You]]{
(set: $D4HazelGotNumber to true)
}"Are we going to keep in touch?" you ask. You hope you didn't sound too eager - hopefully you weren't being creepy either.
Hazel nods repeatedly. "//Yes!//" she exclaims. "We have to hang out!"
She takes a slip of paper and a pen out of her pocket. She looks at you again. "One second." She spins around, pressing the paper against the wall, and neatly prints a phone number for you. "My deets!" she says as she passes it to you.
You smile. It's a forced smile. It's even a sad smile. "It's going to be really lonely."
"I'd visit, but they won't let me in."
"Why not?" you ask.
She shrugs. "Boundaries, maybe? Or maybe they're just no fun in here."
It sounds like discrimination. What if your entire support network has had hospital contact? Does no one get to visit you, then? You try to move the conversation along. Hazel is right - they really are no fun in here. "Are they fun anywhere?" you ask.
Hazel laughs. "Maybe it'll be fun in hindsight?"
You look into each other's eyes for a second.
[["Hopefully everything is fun in hindsight."->D4 Hazel Hopefully Everything Funny]]
[["It won't be nearly as fun without you."->D4 Hazel Fun Without You]]
"Thank you for your friendship," you say. "It means a lot." You hesitate on exchanging contact information - in this case, you decide that it's better not to. While Hazel has been a great support, your personalities are not on compatible wavelengths.
Hazel nods. (if: $D2HazelPositive is true)["Thank you for not judging me," she says through a genuine smile.
You nod. "Of course. Why would I?" you ask.
She laughs. "You're like the only patient who didn't completely annoy me." She pauses in thought. "Like Pat! What is her problem?"
Patricia has certainly said some rude things about Hazel. "I don't know what her problem is," you respond. You want to be sympathetic toward Patricia because she is obviously hurting right now. Still, she can be really difficult.
](else:)["Yeah, we have had some fun," she says. She lulls a moment. "Do you hate me?" she asks.
"What? No - no of course not," you respond.
Hazel nods. "I worry about that sometimes."
You ask, "Do you worry about that even with your boyfriend?"
She nods. "I do."
You did have some apprehension about Hazel earlier on. When she told you about her diagnosis, you weren't sure how to feel. Usually your impulse is not to judge, but for whatever reason, this time you did. You regret judging. Hazel surely sensed it. You wonder if she still does.
]
Hazel eyes the floor for a moment. "Look, I know I'm not always easy to get along with. It does mean a lot that you tried. A lot of people don't."
[["I think you're great."->D4 Hazel You're Great]]
[["Don't worry about those people."->D4 Hazel Don't Worry]]"Hopefully everything is fun in hindsight," you say.
She responds, "It gets easier is all I know."
You hope that it does. You don't want to live like this forever. You're getting tired of these places, and you're tired of the fact that no one seems to understand what it's like. The doctors and nurses don't even understand what it's like, and it's right in front of them. "I hope this is my last - for a while, at least."
"I always hope it's my last," she says. "This place seems to have a draw on me."
"A draw?" you ask.
"I have to drop in every now and then. If I didn't, they'd all miss me." She forces a smile as she says it.
You don't know how funny it really is.
[[Continue.->D4 Hazel Jay Approaches Good]]"It won't be nearly as fun without you," you say.
Hazel forces a laugh. "Come on Jess, it's not like you're in love with me. You'll be fine."
You turn bright red as soon as she says it. You certainly didn't intend to make things uncomfortable. You just wanted to express that you'll miss her. You will. The hospital is one of the loneliest places you've ever been, and you've been lucky to find friendship this time.
You regain composure. "Hazel, quit flattering yourself."
She laughs for real this time. You both stop talking. It feels like you're about to cry.
[[Continue.->D4 Hazel Jay Approaches Good]]A young man walks toward you. (if: $Acute is true)[You wonder if he is Hazel's boyfriend.
He stops in front of you. "Ah," he says as he lifts his finger and points at you. "You must be Jess."
"You must be Jay," you respond.
](else:)[It's Jay - Hazel's boyfriend. He stops in front of you and smiles. "Nice seeing you again."
"Likewise," you say. Pleasantries. So many pleasantries.
]
Hazel wraps her arms around him. "So good to see you," she says.
You don't know the extent of your envy until they embrace one another. You stand in front of them, unsure of what to say. You feel like leaving. You feel like staying. You're pulled in many directions at once.
You decide to break the silence.
[["What are you folks up to today?"->D4 Hazel Jay Up To]]
[["Do you think anyone will notice if I follow you out?"->D4 Hazel Jay Follow Out]]"I think you're great," you say.
She shakes her head. "Don't flatter me, Jess. Whatever you think is fine, but you don't have to lie."
You want to push it further. You want to prove to Hazel that you're not lying to her. In a way you struggle to believe yourself. Afterall, if she was so great, wouldn't you want to trade contact information?
You don't want to. You decided not to, and that's all you need to know.
"I'm sorry," you say.
Hazel shrugs her shoulders. "It really doesn't matter," she says. "We'll both go back to our lives. That's how it is."
It's true. Hospital friendships are fleeting. They're your dearest friends for a few days, and before you know it, it's over.
(if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[[[Continue.->D4 Hazel Jay Approaches Good]]](else:)[[[Continue.->D4 Hazel Jay Approach Bad]]]"Don't worry about those people," you say hesitantly. You're troubled by a question that hangs in your mind. Are you one of those people? You tried to be her friend, although you're not sure you tried that hard. (if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[You definitely //wanted// to be her friend. What were you missing?](else:)[You were put off, honestly, and that probably affected things.]
Hazel responds, "They're everywhere. I guess I have my boyfriend."
You nod. "I'm glad you do," you say. You mean it too. To have companionship in this world - it must make everything a lot easier.
She says, "You know, I used to hate being in here while I was suicidal."
"Yes?" you ask.
"But it's way worse when you're not," she says. "Good to know, I guess."
You nod. You aren't sure what it's like to be here when you're not suicidal, but you can't imagine that it's any fun. At least, in the back of your mind, death is always a viable escape route.
(if: $D2HazelPositive is true)[[[Continue.->D4 Hazel Jay Approaches Good]]](else:)[[[Continue.->D4 Hazel Jay Approach Bad]]]"What are you folks up to today?" you ask.
Hazel responds, "The primal needs. Food and sex." Jay turns bright red after she says it. Hazel notices. "Come on, Jay. She knew that already - she was just being polite."
Subtlety certainly isn't Hazel's strong suit. Jay responds, "I never said she didn't." He doesn't argue. He's probably been through this before. Hazel sure is an interesting choice for a partner. She wouldn't be your first choice, but you're sure there's never a dull moment.
"I'm sure you two will have lots of fun together." It's the nicest, cleanest thing you could think of to say.
Hazel then says, "Can you //believe// they won't let us have sex in here?"
[["Are you serious?"->D4 Hazel Are You Serious]]
[[Change the subject.->D4 Hazel Change Subject]]"Do you think anyone will notice if I follow you out?" you ask. You're joking. Mostly.
Hazel plays along. "I doubt they'd follow you for long. You're a pretty boring patient, Jess."
"//Boring?//" you ask incredulously. You can't believe what you just heard. You never really thought of whether any patient is boring or not. You're just stuck in your head trying to survive.
"All I'm saying is suicidal patients are a dime a dozen." You wonder if Hazel is really saying this. A dime a dozen? Really?
[["What is //that// supposed to mean?"->D4 Hazel Supposed To Mean]]
[["What about the ones who kill themselves?"->D4 Hazel Kill Themselves]]You see a young man approach you in the distance. (if: $Acute is not true)[You recognize him from the other day - he's Jay.] He walks up beside Hazel and wraps his arms around her. (if: $Acute is true)[He must be Jay - Hazel's boyfriend.]
"Hey," he says as he hugs her.
"Thank you," she responds. When they finish their hug, Hazel looks over at you. She looks sad.
Jay turns to you. "It was nice of you to keep her company in here," he says.
"Of course," you say. "Why not?"
Hazel looks down at your feet. Jay is caught in your awkward question. He wants to speak, but something suppresses it.
[["Take care of yourself."->D4 Hazel Take Care]]
[["I'll keep you in my thoughts."->D4 Hazel Keep In Thoughts]]"Take care of yourself," you say to Hazel. It feels empty as you say it. You hope that this painful awkward moment will end for you soon.
She makes eye contact with you, and her facial expression remains blank. You don't know what to make of it. "I'll be fine, Jess. Honestly. You're the suicidal one. Maybe I should be worried about you."
You can't tell if she's joking or not. You suppress your laughter, but she notices anyway. You say, "Yeah, I guess I'm eating my own words."
Hazel nods. "I'm sure it's not the first time."
You look at her again. What is she getting at? Does it really matter?
[[Ask what she means.->D4 Hazel Ask What She Means]]
[[Keep the peace.->D4 Hazel Keep Peace]]"I'll keep you in my thoughts," you say.
"I will too," she responds. "My heart has a special place for everyone who can put up with me."
You want to laugh at that. It sounds like a joke. Still, Hazel's expression remains serious and you feel that laughter would be a mistake. Jay puts his arm around her and holds her tightly. "She's been through a lot," he says. "Don't take it to heart."
She looks up at him in momentary disgust, but she quickly resumes her blank expression. You wonder if Jay does this often - this softening of Hazel's social output. You wonder if it's welcome.
[["Haven't we all?"->D4 Hazel Haven't We All]]
[["I'm sure Hazel can speak for herself."->D4 Hazel Speak For Self]]
"What do you mean by that?" you ask. You're less defensive and more inquisitive.
"Nothing," she responds. You're sure it's not nothing, but is it worth pursuing? She adds, "Everyone does at some point, right?"
You nod. "I suppose you're right." You wonder if you're just grasping at straws. You wonder if she is grasping at straws. Perhaps you're both pressing onwards to keep this conversation out of awkward territory. You decide it doesn't matter. This moment will be over before you know it.
[[Continue.->D4 Hazel Let Out Bad]]You don't know what Hazel was getting at, and you don't really care either. She will be gone from this place before you know it.
[[Continue.->D4 Hazel Let Out Bad]]A voice speaks from behind you. "Here are your belongings," she says. She steps into your field of view - it's Gail. She hands a small plastic bag to Hazel. You wonder what was happening the night Hazel came here - apart from the things she told you about, of course.
"Thanks," Hazel says in response.
"Ready to go?" she asks.
Hazel nods. She looks into your eyes. "It was nice knowing you," she says as she turns around and walks toward the elevator.
"Bye!" you call out. Before you know it, Hazel passes through the elevator doors and leaves this place behind.
You feel a bit lonelier now that she's gone.
[[Continue.->D4 Morning Grieve]]"Haven't we all?" you ask.
Jay responds with a question. "Haven't we all what?"
"Haven't we all been through a lot?" you ask. "I mean, life and existence demands a lot of us. Of everyone."
"Routine survival," Hazel responds. "Most don't find it that hard."
You nod. It's a sad thought. You wish it was easier, but that's not the life you live. You regularly find yourself struggling with enormous pain with no one to help you. It hurts.
It hurts so much.
[[Continue.->D4 Hazel Let Out Bad]]"I'm sure Hazel can speak for herself," you say.
"//Yes,//" Hazel says. "In fact, I can." She grips his arm tightly. You're not sure if you caused a rift between them, or if that rift already existed. (if: $Acute is not true)[They seemed so cute and perfect when you first saw them together. This contrast is jarring.](else:)[You never met him before, so you don't have any memories to draw on.]
Perhaps it isn't your fault. You stand quietly with them. Everyone's eyes are fixed elsewhere.
[[Continue.->D4 Hazel Let Out Bad]]You ask the first thing you think that isn't about sex. "What do you do, Jay?" It comes out so quickly and awkwardly that Hazel //and// Jay are giving you baffled looks. Silence proceeds from there. You badly want to steer the conversation elsewhere.
After a few uncomfortable moments pass, Jay steps in. "I work in the fast food industry. I am a sandwich artist."
"Ah," you respond.
The awkward silence is heavy. You all exchange glances as you wait it out.
Hazel fills the silence. "See? We were better off talking about sex."
You laugh. She laughs. Jay turns red again. You wonder how often Hazel makes him blush in public. It must be an interesting relationship either way.
Jay then says, "Hazel, you //always// want to talk about sex."
"Guilty as charged," Hazel responds. "Just don't deny that you love it."
Jay says nothing in response. You suppose there's nothing to say.
[[Continue.->D4 Hazel Let Out Good]]"Are you serious?" you ask. It genuinely surprises you, and it makes you wonder about long-term patients - what if you have a partner and it's consensual?
Hazel says, "They say that patients in here can't consent."
"Why not?" you ask.
"Personally, I think they're just prudes," Hazel responds. "Maybe they don't want the psych ward to become a big orgy." She pauses a moment. "I mean, who would you fuck in here?"
Jay suddenly chimes in, "//Hazel!//" A valid point too. He must want to slink away from this conversation.
Hazel says, "Come on, Jess. Who would you fuck?"
You want to slink away with Jay. It's such an uncomfortable conversation, and you want no part in it.
Hazel says, "My point exactly."
"What was your point?" you ask.
"My point is that allowing sex in here won't cause an orgy."
You stand there baffled. You didn't honestly realize it was a point that needed to be made. You're not sure it helps her case either. Then again, at least you collectively solved the question of whether the psych ward could become an orgy. That's certainly worth something, right?
[[Continue.->D4 Hazel Let Out Good]]"What is //that// supposed to mean?" you ask.
"I'm not trying to say you're //expendable,//" she responds. "Though they might treat you like you are."
They //do,// too. It hurts you to think of it, but you've lost track of how many times you've been discharged while you're still suicidal. You've lost track of how many times you've been ignored, or shrugged off. You //are// a boring patient, afterall.
"They do treat us like we're expendable," you say. "I don't always know what's best."
Hazel shrugs. "Does the hospital really have the answers you need?"
You look at the floor and lose yourself for a moment. "I don't know who has the answers I need," you say. "I wish it was as simple as knowing."
"Why //did// you come here?" she asks.
"I needed somewhere to go," you respond. You don't know what to say. You were going to die if you spent another moment alone with yourself. You wish it was easier to find someone who cares. You honestly don't know what to do.
Hazel nods. "I had no choice."
It's strange to share space with Hazel sometimes. You feel like you desperately need to be here, while Hazel desperately needs to leave.
Either way, you're both hurting. At least that is something you have in common.
[[Continue.->D4 Hazel Let Out Good]]"What about the ones who kill themselves?" you ask.
Hazel shrugs. "Maybe they picked a boring suicide method."
At this moment you want to fly at her in rage. You take a deep breath and try to hold back. You've struggled so hard with your suicidal feelings that you don't feel it's right to joke about it. Or, if someone is going to tell suicide jokes, they should at least be //tasteful// about it.
You replay the thought in your head. You're not sure it even makes sense.
Hazel reaches her arm out and places a hand on your shoulder. "I hope you survive yours."
Whatever anger you had toward Hazel melts away in that moment. Now you're just sad and a little bit lonely in anticipation of her departure. You're going to miss her.
She removes her hand from your shoulder. "But if you must kill yourself, please put on a good show."
You're not sure whether to laugh or cry. Then again, this is the Hazel you've come to know and love. It's never easy to say goodbye.
[[Continue.->D4 Hazel Let Out Good]]A voice speaks from behind you. "Here are your belongings," she says as she approches Hazel passes her plastic bag. It's Gail. You're not a fan of Gail.
Hazel takes it and smiles. "You really are my //favourite// nurse in this hospital, you know that?" //Gail// is her favourite nurse? What on Earth is Hazel doing?
"Aw, thank you!" Gail says. "You just made my day." She sounds overjoyed to hear it. She's probably not used to getting compliments.
Hazel looks over at you and winks before she turns around and walks toward the elevator, linking arms with her lover. "Don't ever change," she says to Gail.
You can't help but laugh a little. Gail is taking it to heart, and doesn't even notice Hazel's sarcasm.
As the elevator door beeps, she begins the journey to another world. (if: $D4HazelGotNumber is true)["Call me!" she shouts as the door closes.](else:)["Have a nice life!" she calls out.]
A moment later, silence.
[[Continue.->D4 Morning Grieve]]You turn away from the elevators and proceed back to your room. You fight back tears as you move through the hallway. It's amazing how quickly people can leave your life. (if: $D4HazelGotNumber is true)[You grasp the paper with Hazel's number on it. Surely you'll see her again, right?](else:)[In this moment, you regret not getting any contact information. She is as good as dead in your mind.]
When you reach your room you throw yourself on your bed and bury your face in your thin, plastic-lined pillow. When you lift your head, you notice the pillowcase is damp - it absorbed your tears. You slam your fist into it. The noise echoes throughout your room.
Then an announcement brings you back to reality.
**"Attention everyone. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Group will now be meeting in the common area. Everyone is required to attend unless your treatment plan says otherwise."**
That's your cue. You lift yourself up and carry yourself to the group.
(if: $D4FireOverhead is true)[[[Go to the group.->D4 Morning Group Int]]](else:)[[[Go to the group.->D4 Morning Group Stay]]]You have the same group leader from yesterday. Deborah stands at the opposite end of the tables and remains quiet while people settle in. You see mostly familiar face. Lily is a notable fresh face. There are a few others who you haven't met.
Hector is absent, because of course he is.
Deborah does the roll call and everyone obediently responds as though they're in grade school. She has a page on a clipboard and puts a checkmark next to everyone's name.
Eventually Deborah calls out a masculine name that you don't recognize. She calls it out again, looking around the room. "Anyone? Anyone?" she asks.
Lily reluctantly raises her hand. "Here," she says. She doesn't look too happy about the misgendering, but she doesn't say anything either.
Someone enters the room - it's Mike, and //he// gets Lily's name right. "Can I borrow Lily and Patricia, please?"
It's odd that he asked for two people. They oblige without incident. You wonder what's up, but you don't wonder too hard about it.
[[Continue.->D4 Morning Group Start]]You settle down at the the table. It seems like most people are here. Lily is absent - you wonder where she is?
You barely pay attention during roll call. When the group leader - Deborah - calls out your name, you acknowledge it. Before long, it's done.
"Today we're going to talk about radical acceptance."
Radical acceptance? (if: $D2RadicalAcceptance is true)[You remember your nurse telling your about it the other day.](else:)[You've heard of it before. Vaguely.] You're not sure how to apply it to your life. You're not sure if you can, either.
You don't have long to think about it. Mike enters the room and asks, "Could we borrow Jessica, please?"
Deborah nods and motions for you to follow Mike. You rise to your feet and follow Mike outside the common room. He is several steps ahead of you as he leads you to what seems like an office. There is a computer inside and a few chairs. You sit at the chair closest to the door, and he remains standing.
"So, you know what this is about?" he asks.
[["No, I don't."->D4 Interrogation Don't Know]]
[["Am I being discharged?"->D4 Interrogation Discharged]]"No, I don't," you say. You grasp your opposite arm with your dominant hand and squeeze it. Whatever this is, it can't be good.
Mike says, "I think you //do// know what this is about."
What did you do? You strain to imagine a reason they'd want to talk to you - especially in this tone. Asking is the only thing you can do.
[["What is this about?"->D4 Int What About]]"Am I being discharged?"
Mike shakes his head. "I think you //do// know what this is about."
You haven't an honest clue. You aren't sure whether to be puzzled or intimidated. Either way, you want to get to the bottom of this just as much as Mike does.
[["What is this about?"->D4 Int What About]]"What is this about?" you ask.
"We take threats of violence in here very seriously," Mike says.
You lean back and eye him, somewhat alarmed. Threats of //violence?//
[["I didn't threaten anyone with violence."->D4 Int Didn't Threaten]]
[["Do you mean the fire conversation?"->D4 Int Fire Conversation]]"I didn't threaten anyone with violence." You might as well stick with what you know to be true - that you didn't threaten any individual with violence. You may have had a conversation about burning down the hospital, but it wasn't a //threat.// You and Lily were just blowing off steam.
Mike says, "You were //heard!// I know you're lying."
You freeze in place. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Who did you threaten, Jessica?"
Mike seems to be solidly against you. What on Earth happened? You wonder if he wants you to name Lily. You wonder if Lily told. Or was it Peter? Regardless, you need to choose a position and fast.
[["I don't know anything about that."->D4 Int Don't Know Anything]]
[["I was //joking.//"->D4 Int Was Joking]]"Do you mean the fire conversation?" you ask. You decide not to give too many details away, in case you might incriminate yourself. The sheer terror of being in this situation wears you down, and you're tempted to say anything to make Mike shut up and let you go.
But you're worried about Lily.
"Who did you threaten, Jessica?"
This seems to be going nowhere. You might have to address it head on. You worry about Lily - is she also in trouble? You don't want to name her. It's terrifying to even think about it. You have to decide what your angle is. Mike isn't going to wait for you.
[["I don't know anything about that."->D4 Int Don't Know Anything]]
[["I was //joking.//"->D4 Int Was Joking]]"I don't know anything about that," you say.
Mike insists. "Tell me what you know."
You nervously tap your foot repeatedly on the solid harsh floor beneath you. What do you say?
[[Stick to it. You know nothing.->D4 Int Still Don't Know]]
[["I was //joking.//"->D4 Int Was Joking]]"I was //joking,//" you insist. You thought it was a joke. Could Lily have been serious? No way. It was //all// a joke.
"Really? What was so funny about it?" Mike asks.
"It was just - I don't know." You strain to remember why you found it so hilarious in the first place. You don't even know if you did find it hilarious. Nothing seems funny anymore. Not at the moment, anyway.
You still can't help but wonder if he's trying to draw a confession out of you. He speaks, "How funny do you think it'll be when we make the police report?"
The //police report?// "Isn't that a bit extreme?" you ask. You try to maintain an expression of confidence. You try to appear unfazed. You can't let him think that this scares you, not in the slightest bit.
"Well, Jessica?" he presses.
[["Call the police. I have nothing to hide."->D4 Int Nothing To Hide]]
[["You //know// I won't harm anyone."->D4 Int Know Won't Harm]]
[["Can't we deal with this here?"->D4 Int Deal With This Here]]"I don't know anything about that," you say in the flattest tone possible.
At your insistence, Mike crosses his arms and then walks to the door. He gestures to someone you cannot see. Then he speaks to whomever, "Caroline - hey." He motions her to come in.
Mike steps away from the door as Caroline walks in. "All right, Jessica. You can either fess up, or you can talk to the police."
That certainly got your attention. How do you proceed?
[[Spill it, and insist that you and Lily were just joking.->D4 Int Spill It]]
[[Call her bluff. She won't actually call the police.->D4 Int Call Police]]Your hand trembles as you prepare to speak. You try to steady it. "Lily and I were having a conversation about burning the hospital down."
Caroline says, "So you admit it?"
You shake your head. "It's not something we would //actually// do." You suppress your tears. You're already overwhelmed by Hazel's departure, and now //this?// It's way too much.
Caroline sits down in front of you. "Jessica, why did you do it?"
You're almost blubbering as you get your words out. "You have no idea what it's like in here. You have no idea."
"I'm a nurse here. I think I have an idea."
"You don't!" you shout. "None of you will ever understand!"
Caroline nods. "Do you have any plans to harm another?"
[["What do you think?"->D4 Int Caroline Think]]
[["No."->D4 Int Caroline No]]"Fine," you say. "By all means, call the police. I'm sure they will offer an interesting perspective."
Caroline looks at Mike, and Mike looks back at her. They both appear somewhat uneasy. Caroline resumes her intimidating stance. "You were //talking to Lily// about starting a fire. Staring a fire in the hospital."
You stare at her blankly. You try not to move a single muscle in your face. You don't want to react or give anything away. For now, it's just hearsay.
"You were heard talking about it," she said.
"Who heard that?" you ask in an attempt to introduce some skepticism. You're pretty sure you know who told - it was Peter, of course.
"//A staff member// heard your conversation."
She is obviously bluffing. Had a staff member heard, you would have faced this conversation much earlier. You're fairly sure it was Peter, but who knows? Either way, your current strategy - deny everything - isn't working.
"Do you have any plans to harm anyone?" she asks.
[["What do you think?"->D4 Int Caroline Think]]
[["No."->D4 Int Caroline No]]"What do you think?" you ask.
"Answer the question," Caroline demands. She seems to raise her voice every time she speaks.
"//No!// Come on Caroline, haven't you ever had to blow off steam before? Haven't you?"
"We're not talking about me. We're talking about you."
"I'm not - I would never, ever harm someone." You're positively terrified that you're even having this conversation. You wish it would just go away. You wish everything would go away.
(if: $Acute is true)[
"Then what should we make of the fight you started yesterday?" she asks. The //fight!// Why must it always come back to the fight?
"That was - that was different."
]
She shakes her head. "You know how bad this looks for you," she says.
You want to respond sarcastically. You want to say you have no clue how bad this looks for you, but you'd rather not push it. She doesn't seem like the understanding type.
She motions to Mike to leave the room with her. You hear them talk in low, unintelligible voices out in the hall.
[[Continue.->D4 Int Get Promise]]"No," you say. "I don't want to harm anyone."
You just want to live on - to survive - to honour Cassandra in whatever way you can. You never ever expected to end up like this. You never expected to hit this low. You know the hospital is an ugly place, but you never once //imagined// that you might face criminal charges because of your hospital stay.
Besides, doesn't //anyone// in this place have a sense of humour? You can't see what the actual issue is. No one is in danger. Why can't they see it?
"We take threats //very// seriously in here," she says.
You're tired of listening to how seriously they take threats in here. You just want to get on with things. "I seriously will never hurt anyone," you say. You weep as you recollect yourself. "It was a joke. I mean it."
"None of us found it very funny."
"I //know// it wasn't funny. You have no idea how much I know that." You're saying whatever comes to mind at this point. You've lost touch with your thoughts and feelings - you're on autopilot right now. Hopefully you don't say anything further incriminating.
Caroline shakes her head. "This looks really bad for you. You know that, right?"
You do.
She motions to Mike, and they both walk out into the hallway together. You can hear their hushed, muffled voices in the background.
[[Continue.->D4 Int Get Promise]]"You //know// I won't harm anyone," you insist, barely suppressing your anger. It's difficult to understand how Mike came to this conclusion on his own. Maybe you're wrong - maybe he didn't do this alone. If he thought there was a truly credible threat, then he probably told others.
"How do I know this?" Mike asks.
"How could you not?" you retort.
You struggle to keep up with your rapidly shifting perspective on the situation. You're at once furious and terrified, and you can't decide what feeling would help you the most. Not that you have a choice of what feeling to feel. You're at the mercy of chemical processes in your brain - arguably that's why you're in a hospital in the first place.
"Jessica, what we heard was a very significant threat. //All// threats here are taken seriously."
Right. All threats are taken seriously. Zero tolerance. You can't help but feel like you're back in grade school. That's certainly how they are treating you. Still, the threat of calling police worries you, and oddly it polices what you want to say.
[[Stick to the message. You are no threat.->D4 Int Stick To Message]]
[[Insist that staff is misinterpreting things.->D4 Int Misinterpreting]]You're reduced to bargaining. "Can't we deal with this here?" you ask. "Please?"
Mike raises an eyebrow. "Deal with this here? What do you mean?"
You mean the only thing that matters - the only currency in this place. Your privileges. "Take away my privileges," you plead. "You can just take away my privileges. Why don't you do that?" You speak and plead as if you have privileges to give up.
"//Jessica,//" he says. He doesn't complete his thought.
"Put me in the back room!" you say. "Put me back there for a day or two." (if: $Acute is true)[The back room - it was the worst place in the world, and now you're begging to go back.](else:)[If you were paying attention, you'd be shocked that you're asking for what amounts to psychological torture.] You just want this nightmare to be over - to be settled.
"It's not the //back room,// it's the acute inpatient unit."
"Who cares! I'll go."
Mike inhales deeply and lets out a sigh. "If you are looking for honesty - I wish we weren't even having this conversation right now." Mike's show of emotions surprise you in the moment. You wonder if you've broken him.
[["Then can we stop this?"->D4 Int Can Stop This]]
[["Please don't call the police."->D4 Int Please Don't Call]]You decide to call his bluff. "Call the police. I have nothing to hide."
He stares at you for a second. Success - he doesn't know what to say to that. Hopefully you can regain the upper hand after catching him off guard.
You say the first thing that comes to mind. "I know you won't call the police because there //is no threat.//"
He shakes his head. "We have been through this with other patients. You really don't think the police have ever visited this ward?"
You freeze for a moment and wonder if he's serious. It gives you chills to think that there could be a police report with your name on it, even if it doesn't lead to charges.
[["Why do you hate me all of a sudden?"->D4 Int Why Hate]]
[["Please don't call the police."->D4 Int Please Don't Call]]You decide to redirect the conversation. "Why do you hate me all of a sudden?" you ask.
Mike responds, "I don't hate you."
"If you don't hate me, why do you threaten me with the police?" You feel like you've been reduced to begging for mercy. What's happened in such a short span of time is unbelievable. You no longer recognize what connects you to the past - not even a few days ago. How wrong can things go?
"Safety on the ward is paramount. This is my job."
"But you //know// it's //safe!//" You're practically sobbing right now. How much further do you have to fall?
Mike looks at the floor in front of you. He maintains a blank expression, and it pains you even more. It'd help to even have an inkling of what he is thinking.
"Give me a moment," he says. He walks out into the hall. You remain seated. What's he doing?
You hear soft whispers in the hall, but you cannot make out what is being said.
[[Continue.->D4 Int Get Promise]]"Please don't call the police," you say in a soft, defeated tone. "Please," you say again, as though pleading any further will make things better for you.
For a moment you wonder if you deserve to be prosecuted. You think of the various animal cruelty laws you must have broken in Cassandra's death. What difference would it make if you are prosecuted for threats or conspiracy? Either way, you'll get what's coming to you.
A tear rolls down your face and drips onto your (if: $Formed is true)[hospital gown.](else:)[shirt.] You watch it absorb into the fabric until it's gone - until it's invisible - until it no longer matters. How desperately you crave the luxury of nonexistence. You want to disappear into the void so far that no one bothers to come find you.
Mike shakes his head. "I can't promise anything, but I'll see what I can do."
Mike rises and walks out of the room. You hear him whispering in the halls with another person - out of sight.
[[Wait.->D4 Int Get Promise]]You can't tell what they're saying out there. All you know is that they're discussing your destiny - they're discussing what to do with you. You're bound to the chair, not by force, but by sheer psychiatric will. If you move, there will be more trouble.
Mike walks back into the room. He is alone. He eyes you intently. "All right, Jessica. Are you ready to hear our decision?"
At once you gently cross your arms as the nails on each of your hands dig inward. You try your best to pierce your skin, as if that would make it any easier.
"We won't be calling the police. We're satisfied that you mean no harm."
You sit there puzzled. You don't even have the luxury of feeling relieved. You almost feel an //annoyance// that they called you over and made such a fuss for nothing. You're still frozen in your seat. You don't know what to do.
[[Try to ask if you can leave.->D4 Int Can I Go]]
[[Say nothing.->D4 Int Say Nothing]]You try to get the words out without choking on them. "I..." your voice trails off. You don't know how to process what you just went through, except to say that it was traumatic. It was torture - a form of it. It was the hospital asserting its authority, and you caved into the pressure.
"Yes?" Mike asks.
"I want to go," you say. You can't even ask it as a question. You can't do anything of the sort. You wait for Mike to respond.
"You may go." He doesn't disappoint.
[[Go back to your room.->D4 Int Leave]]Your mouth remains agape. Do your desires even matter? Does your sense of safety matter to anyone? Clearly, from the hospital's standpoint, the goal is to protect the institution. Damn the patients, as long as the institution lives on.
Mike looks at you with puzzlement. "Do you have anything to say?"
You shake your head. You have nothing to add to this. Nothing productive, anyway.
"You may go now."
[[Go back to your room.->D4 Int Leave]]You pry yourself away from your chair. As you wander out into the hall, you cover your eyes to shield them from the harsh fluorescent lighting above. The noise and the light is too much. Everything is bright and loud, and you've lost track of where you really are. You don't even know who you are.
You hear footsteps. They echo in the hallway. The echoes continue - they wobble in your skull. You look down. It's easier to focus on the ground. You step forward as naturally as you can. You can't follow a straight line. You would not pass a sobriety test right now.
You press onward - one foot in front of the other. You grasp the doorframe at your room, and you hold it for balance as you creep around it.
Finally you're in your room.
You collapse in your bed and wait out the dissociation. Eventually your head will settle.
Eventually.
[[Continue.->D4 Int Lily]]"Then can we stop this?" you plead. You can't believe your were put in this situation. If Mike just wanted to terrify you, he would have accomplished that by now. What's his angle?
Mike breaks eye contact for a moment and looks down at the floor. "Believe me, I don't like this anymore than you do." He shakes his head again.
"Then we can..." You don't complete the thought. You can't. At least he's letting up. It gives you a smidgen of hope, which you desperately cling to for more than it's worth.
It's amazing how quickly things can change. It's amazing how quickly things can fall apart. You didn't see Cassandra's death coming anymore than you expected a quirky conversation to turn into a witch hunt. You just wanted to have a moment of relief from the constant pain and monotony.
Mike speaks. "I don't like this anymore than you do. I'll see what I can do." Hope. You have some hope after he says it. You try not to read too far into what he said, but you can't help but feel a bit of relief. Your body can't sustain the pressure forever.
Mike leaves the room. You hear hushed voices outside the room. You don't know who he's talking to. You don't know what he's saying.
[[Wait.->D4 Int Get Promise]]You are no threat. You repeat it in your head - you are not a threat to this institution.
"I am not a threat," you say.
He remains standing and takes a deep breath. Is he frustrated with you? Maybe he's just thinking over his options. What about your options, though? You can reinforce your message. Perhaps that's the way to go.
"We had no intention of setting a fire or hurting anyone in here," you say.
Mike responds, "Don't speak for Lily. You can only speak for yourself." So he knows the other patient is Lily. Lovely.
"//I// have no intention of hurting anyone. I would never." You can't believe this conversation is even happening. You can't believe you're in this position at all. Mike must know you're not a threat. He must.
"OK," Mike says. "I can't make any promises, but I'll see what I can do." He walks out into the hallway and leaves you in your chair. You hear unintelligible whispering out in the hallway. You wonder who he's talking to - you wonder what he's saying.
[[Wait.->D4 Int Get Promise]]They have to know that it's not as bad as it sounds. They have to know that you intended no harm. "You're misinterpreting what we were saying," you say.
"You were //heard.// You were clearly talking about starting a fire. What is there to misinterpret?
You bite down on one of your fingernails and chew it right off. You look at what you did - it's a habit you had mostly broken, but apparently not today. You fidget with the broken fingernail between your thumb and index finger. "The tone," you say.
"The tone?" Mike asks.
"I wasn't //serious.// You have no idea how stressful it is to be here."
Mike shakes his head. "Try being a nurse."
Try being a nurse? //Really?// What can you say to that? Either way it deviates from the point. "My point is, the conversation was hypothetical. It was humour. We were blowing off steam."
"Jessica-"
You cut him off. "There is no way I would //ever// try to set fire to a hospital. I would //never// do that. Can't you just read between the lines?"
Mike looks into your eyes. Then he looks down at the floor. He looks back at you again. "OK," he says. "I'll see what I can do."
He walks out the door. You remain seated. You hear hushed voices out in the hall, but you cannot make out what they're saying.
[[Wait.->D4 Int Get Promise]]Deborah speaks. "Today we're going to talk about a skill that everyone can apply to their daily lives. That skill is called //radical acceptance.//"
Radical acceptance? (if: $D2RadicalAcceptance is true)[Your nurse tried to teach you about it the other day!](else:)[You think maybe a shrink has talked to you about it.] Your first impression is that it sounds cheesy. Then again, lots of therapy language is.
"Radical acceptance means accepting your reality regardless of what that reality might be. Today we will practice embracing the problems, obstacles, and setbacks you face." //Embracing?//
She pauses for just a moment to let that sink in. Then she continues. "Why would we want to do this? What do we have to gain from accepting our realities?"
She looks directly at you.
"Jessica, do you have thoughts?"
[["Acceptance makes it easier to face my problems."->D4 Group Face Problems]]
[["Maybe it stops my problems from affecting my life."->D4 Group Prevent Problems]]"Acceptance makes it easier to face my problems," you say.
"Well, yes," Deborah says. "That's certainly a part of it. Does anyone else have anything to add?"
You gave her the wrong answer. Or perhaps you just gave the answer that didn't jibe with her lesson plan. Either way, she searches the group for the ideal response.
The group is silent. No one wants to contribute to the discussion.
Yua reluctantly raises her hand. Deborah acknowledges her. (if: $D3YuaUnhappy is true)[You wince as she begins to speak.](else:)[She must be thinking about what she told you yesterday.] "I think that maybe accepting our problems allows us to grow from them."
Deborah raises her arm and gestures that Yua's response was so-so. She looks for another taker. The old game.
Amara raises their hand. Deborah points at them. "Yes, Amara?"
They say, "Maybe it keeps our secrets from destroying us."
The room is quiet after that. Deborah still hasn't received the answer she wants. She begins to speak.
[[Listen.->D4 Group Deborah Explains]]"Maybe it stops my problems from affecting my life," you say.
Deborah responds, "Oh, but your problems //will// continue to affect your life whether you accept them or not." Of course they will. All you're trying to do is reach for the answer Deborah is looking for. It just may not be the answer that you agree with.
"Anyone?" she looks out over the class.
Peter raises his hand. "Yes, Peter?"
"I noticed that when I started to accept myself, I stopped having so many negative feelings about myself."
Deborah nods. "Yes, that is a good reason to accept yourself."
Peter adds, "My parents - not so much. Accepting myself did nothing for them."
"OK Peter," Deborah says - clearly signalling that it's time for him to stop contributing to the discussion. "I want to talk more //general.// Anyone?"
Peter looks annoyed. The classroom is silent. No one has anything to add. She clearly notices, and begins to speak.
[[Listen.->D4 Group Deborah Explains]]"People have a tendency to avoid their problems - to hide them away, to not experience them in the fullest. This often comes out in substance use disorders. People use substances to avoid feeling their feelings - to avoid facing the source of their feelings."
This makes sense, but you wonder how different this really is from other answers in the room. She's the leader, you suppose.
She continues. "I often think of it like the Serenity Prayer, if any of you millennials have heard of it." You note her pejorative use of //millennials,// but you decide to let it go. "//God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.// Has anyone heard that?"
You nod. Most of the people in the room nod.
"Today we're talking about recognizing the things you can't change, and it's a //long// list." She gestures comically to show the room how long the list is. She gets a chuckle or two, but it strikes you as infantilizing. "Does anyone want to start us out with an example?"
You consider suggesting the loss of your cat as an example. It certainly stands out in your mind.
[[Let someone else talk.->D4 Group Let Someone Else Talk]]
[[Talk about Cassandra.->D4 Group Talk Cassandra]]{
(set: $GTalkedAboutCat to true)
}You raise your hand. She points to you. "Yes, Jessica?"
"I lost a pet recently. My cat, Cassandra." It feels strange to say it out loud - even stranger to say it to an entire group of people. Most of the group members might as well be strangers.
"Good example," Deborah says.
[["It was due to negligence."->D4 Group Due To Negligence]]
[[Stay quiet.->D4 Group Stay Quiet]]Yua raises her hand. Deborah gestures to her. "Yes, Yua?"
Yua speaks hesitantly - certainly without the calm and confidence she carried yesterday when you were talking to her. "I - um - my relationship is unstable and it might be beyond repair."
Deborah nods. "What makes you think that?" she asks.
Yua responds, "She tried to break up with me and I panicked. I regret how I reacted to it. We have to go to counselling."
"It sounds like there is quite a lot to accept," Deborah says. "What parts of this experience do you need to radically accept - anyone?"
Yua closes her arms and looks down at the table in front of her. You don't blame her. It must be so strange to have your problem thrown to the class for commentary.
A woman raises her hand - one you haven't talked to yet. Deborah picks her. She says, "You have to accept that you reacted the way you did."
Deborah nods. "Very good. Anyone else?"
You raise your hand to volunteer. Deborah picks you.
[["You have to accept that you were abusive to your partner."->D4 Group Abusive]]
[["You have to accept that the relationship is unstable right now."->D4 Group Relationship Unstable]]
"It was due to negligence," you add. "My own negligence."
Deborah says, "Is there another way you can look at this?"
You looks up at her. "Pardon?"
"Like the black and white thinking we were talking about the other day," she says. "Is there another way to look at things?"
You shake your head. "No. There really isn't. I screwed up."
She eyes you skeptically. She's about to speak again.
You cut her off. "I really wish people would just believe me when I say it," you say. When people keep explaining it away or minimizing, it makes you wonder if you really are a horrible person - as if you're so terrible that you couldn't have possibly done what you said you did. It doesn't help.
Deborah nods. "I see that you have a lot to accept."
"I do," you say. "I really do."
[[Continue.->D4 Group Cassandra]]While it's an important reason for your crisis - that you cannot accept what you've done - it still doesn't feel right to share it in group. It makes you nervous. It's not promising.
It's that fear that everyone will see you the way you see yourself.
You let it go. You leave it behind. The you - the destructive you - has no place in the civilized world. You push it down as deep as it will go.
Deborah waits a moment, as though to give you an opportunity to speak. Perhaps she senses your temptaion to say more - regardless, you leave it. She fills the silence. "The loss of a pet is a hard thing for everyone to bear. Culturally we don't give enough credit to the emotional bonds people form with animals."
True.
"You have to remember not to blame yourself," she says in a fit of unsolicited and pointless advice. "Things happen. Pets age." Cassandra wasn't old, but you're too tired to argue with her.
[[Continue.->D4 Group Cassandra]]"You have to accept that the relationship is unstable right now," you say. You make eye contact with Yua. She looks sad - dejected.
She nods. "I guess it would help to accept that," she says. She pauses for a moment. "I don't know. It still doesn't make things better." She looks away from you and fixes her eyes on the table in front of her.
Deborah interjects. "The key is that you don't argue with reality. It's to not be lost in despair. Like the black and white thinking we discussed yesterday - you need to know what reality you're dealing with in order to accept it fully."
Yua says, "I get that, but it sounds so basic. It's not going to change my reality."
"But it will help you deal with it," Deborah responds. "You don't want to let your reality destroy you."
Donna cuts in. "Isn't that a tad hyperbolic?"
"Excuse me?" Deborah replies.
Donna continues. "Reality can //destroy// you? I can think of many things that destroy you - things that will literally rip you apart. But your relationship to reality? Give me a break."
"Perhaps //destroy// wasn't the best choice of word."
"It wasn't," Donna says. "I've seen destruction. This ain't it."
You find Donna more frustrating every time she opens her mouth. You consider saying something.
[["Can we move on?"->D4 Group Donna Move On]]
[[Remain quiet.->D4 Group Donna Quiet]]"You have to accept that you were abusive to your partner," you say.
Deborah asks, "Wait a minute - who said anything about abuse?"
Yua's mouth hangs open as the scene before her unfolds. Her face has an expression of horror. She starts to tremble. She starts to breathe heavily. Before you know it, she's hyperventilating.
She stands up and shoves the chair behind her. It almost falls over. Yua quickly rushes out of the room.
Deborah looks at you incredulously and follows her.
You - realizing your mistake - also follow her.
[[Follow Yua.->D4 GYua Start]]You both find Yua crying in the hallway. When you approach, she turns to you. "What the //hell// is your problem?"
Deborah tries to intervene. "I'm sure Jessica didn't mean to-"
"Oh, shut up, Deborah!" she spits back. Deborah backs away and watches the situation unfold. She is quiet.
Yua looks at you - her face is a mix of terror and rage. "I //told// you what I did in confidence. I never meant to share it with the entire hospital!" Her screams pierce your eardrums.
[["I don't believe I did."->D4 GYua Don't Believe]]
[["I'm sorry."->D4 GYua Sorry]]"I don't believe I did."
Yua fires back, "Oh fuck you and your innocent act. You think you're so much better than me?"
You shake your head, "I really don't."
"Just remember - your cat is //dead// because of you."
You want to scream out - to tell her that she couldn't be more wrong. You try to hold it in as every feeling you've ever had bubbles to the surface.
"//No one// is clean," she shouts. "Do you understand that? I've had enough of your self-righteous bullshit."
Yua turns around and speed walks away. She turns the corner at the end of the hall and disappears.
You don't know what to say.
[[Continue.->D4 Don't Return]]"I'm sorry," you say.
Yua screams back, "I'm //sorry?// Your apology doesn't mean shit. You humiliated me in front of //everyone.//"
You step back to regain some personal space. "I didn't mean to."
"It sounds like you have a lot to learn about the consequences of your actions. But you knew that already, //didn't you?//"
Cassandra. It's a low blow. You feel a gut-wrenching sorrow as she says it, and you have absolutely no response. Her death was your fault. You can pick and choose how you view it, but she was your responsibility and you let her die.
"Leave me alone," she says softly - for once. She turns around and walks to her room. You watch her disappear around the corner.
[[Continue.->D4 Don't Return]]Deborah is the first to speak. "You're exempt from group today."
You say, "Should I..." You can't complete the sentence.
"You're not coming back with me." She turns around. "Just go to your room," she says as she walks away - back into the common room - in an attempt to smooth things over.
You walk in the opposite direction. To your room. To settle down. You tremble with each step.
[[Settle in your room.->D4 KO Settle In Room]]
[[Pace the halls.->D4 KO Pace Hallways]]"Can we move on?" you ask.
Donna makes a face in your direction. You want to go at her with even more intensity - this isn't the first time she's used her war trauma to dismiss other peoples' pain. Nor will it be the last, you're sure.
Deborah nods. "I think it's best to move on."
You catch Yua rolling her eyes. Displeased. She remains in her seat.
Donna, on the other hand, stands up. "I'm done talking about my feelings with all of you." She turns to the door and walks out - limping every other step.
Deborah calls out in anger, "//Donna,// take your seat."
Donna, of course, ignores her and walks out.
Deborah exhales loudly. "We'll let her go. Not everyone is ready for help."
You aren't sure that Donna's problem has anything to do with readiness for help. You're pretty sure she's just an asshole.
[[Continue.->D4 Group Debrief]]You're tempted to say something, and the anxious energy digs in as you prepare for that. You hold back, though. It might be best to let Deborah handle it.
Deborah fills the empty space. "Donna, if that's how you're going to engage with the group, then we have a problem."
"We already have a problem," Donna fires back. "Everyone in this bloody hospital is a baby. //Everyone.//"
You look around the room to see a collection of people with their eyes fixed downward. No one is sure of what to do. You sense a heavy discomfort over Donna's presence.
Deborah gives an ultimatum. "If you insult this group again, you're out."
Donna responds by rolling her eyes. She then fixes her eyes on Deborah. "What are you going to do? Spank me?"
"//Out!//" Deborah says as she points to the door.
Donna stands up and walks toward the door. She limps with each step. "Bunch of babies," she mutters as she leaves.
[[Continue.->D4 Group Debrief]]Deborah gestures to the room. "What here needs to be accepted?" she asks everyone.
You catch Donna across from you shaking her head. You decide to ignore her, as long as she's polite enough not to speak.
Amara raises their hand. "You need to accept the loss of a loved one," they say.
"Very good," Deborah responds. "Radical acceptance of the departure of a loved one - I think we can all agree it's a challenge."
Indeed - quite a //challenge//. You've been so stuck on how she went that you've barely processed that she is gone. It's a cyclical crisis. You want so badly to get her back that you can't even begin to deal with your grief. If only you acted more quickly. If only.
Reality is cruel and absolute.
[[Continue.->D4 Group Pain Suffering]]She addresses the group. "Can anyone tell me the difference between pain and suffering?"
"Isn't that a legal term?" Peter asks.
Deborah responds, "We're not talking about the legal definition. Pain and suffering. Anyone?"
The group is silent for a moment. Amara raises their hand. "When things go wrong, there is always pain. Suffering is a choice."
"I agree," Deborah says. "But can we get to the heart of what it means to suffer?"
Get to the heart of what it means to suffer? What a cheery group - just what you needed. You try to reflect on your own experiences. Pain is Cassandra's death. Suffering is what you're doing to yourself afterwards. Simple.
When no one responds, Deborah says, "Suffering is dwelling on the pain. Suffering is what we do to ourselves when we don't accept the situation." She paces around the circle a bit. "So if we just radically accept things, we won't suffer anymore. Does that jibe with all of you?"
[[Yes, you agree.->D4 Group PS Yes]]
[[No, you disagree.->D4 Group PS No]]Deborah looks around at everyone. "I'm sorry if you all found that upsetting. That doesn't normally happen in group."
She reaches into her pocket and takes out her cellphone. Everyone looks on in awe - a //cellphone//. After a glance she quickly puts it away. She was probably just checking the time.
"Do you want to take two, or should we continue?"
The group doesn't respond.
"I guess I'll continue before I lose everyone's interest," she says.
And she does.
[[Continue.->D4 Group Pain Suffering]]It makes sense to you. If you can find a way to accept the things you're struggling with, the problems you face in your life won't hurt you as much.
You then ask, "Is this about having a thick skin?"
Deborah shakes her head, "No. You don't need thick skin to do this."
Peter asks, "But does it help?"
Deborah responds, "No. You don't need thick skin."
You thought you got it, but now you're more confused than ever. You look forward to this group being over.
[[Continue.->D4 Group End]]You don't just disagree, you find it completely absurd. As if you could completely eliminate all your suffering just by accepting things in your life. What if you have trauma? What if you have flashbacks? What then? It's not always so simple.
Amara raises a hand, and Deborah points their way. "I don't actually understand it," they say. "I'm only repeating what my therapist told me."
Everyone in the group laughs. Amara is a hoot sometimes.
[[Continue.->D4 Group End]]The group continues to talk about pain and suffering and whatever else. You want to be interested, but the truth is, you're bored. You're bored of therapy. You're bored of doing the work. You're bored of being alive.
As the group continues on, Deborah calls out each individual. She ignores you - you've participated enough already. You're grateful that the focus isn't on you.
Before too long, you're dismissed. As you prepare to leave Deborah says, "Your homework for the weekend is to think about something you aren't accepting, and to imagine what life would be like if you did accept it. I'm not expecting miracles here - this is hard stuff."
You rise to your feet - but you don't necessarily rise to the challenge. You have the entire weekend to figure it out. You may as well rest until lunch.
You leave the common area and head back to your room. When you arrive, you sit on the edge of your bed.
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Knock]]You walk into your room and throw yourself into your bed. You throw your fist into your pillow once, and again, and again. You can't believe how //stupid// you were to blurt that out in group. You can't imagine what Yua must be going through now. The guilt and pain you're experiencing must be multiplied a thousand-fold in her mind. Not to mention the shame, now that everyone knows. You sure hope that Deborah explained that properly.
You jump out of the bed and walk over to the window. You look down - at the best angle you can see - and wonder what it would be like to fall from this height and hit the ground.
With that thought, you spin around and face the doorway opposite to your window. You watch the flickering light from the hallway beam through the doorway and into your room.
You sit on the end of your bed and think things over.
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Walk In]]You decide to walk the entire length of the hallway at least once. Maybe twice. At some wards you've been at there was a circular layout, but in this ward you can just walk from one end to the other. The hallway bends over in an L-shape. You walk to the very end.
There are doorways to other patients' rooms, but there's also another window ledge to lean on. So you lean on it and look out.
The view is familiar. It's the same view as the other window at the corner where you talked to Yua.
You hope she's OK. It feels like you really failed her today. Publicly humiliating someone - it definitely wasn't your finest hour. Then again you're in a hospital, and you're definitely not thinking clearly. Perhaps there's room to forgive yourself, even if Yua won't forgive you.
Besides, won't this blow over? It's not like the psych ward is a tight-knit community. Things happen, people are discharged, and everyone moves on.
You decide to head back to your room. There won't be much to do until the common room is available again.
When you reach your room, you lie back on the bed and stare at the ceiling.
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Walk In]]Someone knocks at your door. What now?
"Who is it?" you call out. You're not in the mood to talk to Mike, and there's no way it's Hazel.
"It's me." It's unmistakably Lily's voice.
You roll over and sit up on the side of the bed. "Come in," you say.
She walks inside. Her face is flat and emotionless. "Hi," she says.
"Hi," you respond.
She leans on the wall opposite your bed, and you both rest at either end of the room straining for something to say. You wonder what she's been through. She probably wonders the same.
[["I hope they weren't too hard on you."->D4 Int Lily Hard On You]]
[["I didn't name you."->D4 Int Lily Didn't]]"I hope they weren't too hard on you."
Lily shrugs. "I'm used to it," she says. "I still don't have my hormones."
"Still?" you ask.
"Yeah," she says. "Maybe //I// should call the police." You doubt it would help her case, but it certainly would be nice if there was someone to call. Perhaps it will make an interesting human rights case one day.
[["It's better than suicide, I guess."->D4 Better Than Suicide]]
[["I still say we torch the place."->D4 Int Lily Torch]]"I didn't name you," you say.
Lily shrugs. "I did. They knew anyway, so it doesn't really matter." She glances over at the doorway, and then she resumes looking at you. "Are you mad?"
[[A little - she did name you.->D4 Int Little Mad]]
[[Not at all.->D4 Int Not Mad]]"Honestly, I wish you wouldn't have," you say.
Lily shrugs. "What else did you expect?"
"I don't know." You honestly don't know. You just regret the entire situation. To be threatened with criminal charges - you're used to hospitals being less than adequate for your recovery, but never have you regretted your choice of hospital more than you do right now.
Still, how could you have known? How could anyone know you would crash this hard? Is this the help you need? Is the help you need anywhere to be found?
Lily says, "I just want to go home."
"Me too," you say.
[[Continue.->D4 Lily Doctor Knock]]"No," you say. "I found the entire thing creepy."
Lily nods. "They threatened to call the police."
You smile. What Lily says - what you remember - leads to an involuntary laughter of sorts. She laughs too. At least you're not alone. "Call the police - yeah right."
"Yes," Lily says. "They were just bullshitting."
They were. They absolutely were. Above everything else, you find it a bit //creepy// that they took each of you in and made a threat they would never follow through on. Yet, at the moment, it was terrifying. It was a violent threat. "It's like ... psychological torture," you say.
"It is," Lily responds. "I was scared. Police brought me here. I suppose I could handle seeing them again."
"They're just muscle," you say. "We're two crazy people on the ward. I mean, //come on.//"
Lily smiles. "You're right."
[[Continue->D4 Lily Doctor Knock]]"Lily, get out." You hear a deep voice that you don't recognize speaking at the door. Who could it be?
Lily forces a smile at you. "Thanks for talking," she says. She steadies herself, and walks out the door.
A white man, balding, with short grey hair walks in.
[["Who are you?"->D4 Doctor Who]]"It's better than suicide, I guess."
"I don't know," Lily responds. "Is suicide all that bad?"
You shrug. You never know how you should feel about suicide prevention efforts. Does the hospital actually help? "I wonder if being here just reinforces my suicidal feelings," you suggest.
Lily nods. "I think it does for me. I'm just going to tell them what they want to hear."
You respond, "Do you think they might be looking out for that?"
"I don't know," Lily says. "I'm missing class. I just want to study and be a normal person. I think they're keeping me over the weekend."
Being in hospital over the weekend is certainly a drag. You're not looking forward to it yourself. "We can keep each other company," you say.
Lily smiles. "Let's do that."
[[Continue.->D4 Lily Doctor Knock]]"I still say we torch the place," you say remorselessly.
Lily's lips rise to a huge grin. "We'll be the Eastown Arsonists."
You both laugh. It sounds a lot better than what you're going through right now. It feels better, too, to not be afraid anymore. It doesn't matter what pressure they use - the hospital can't silence you. It will be accountable for its actions one way or another.
"I don't really care what they think anymore," you say. "They think the nursing station is an impenetrable fortress, but we make the rules on the ward."
"Or maybe Hector makes the rules," Lily says.
True. Hector has certainly carved out a space for himself. "There is a lot we could learn from him," you say.
Lily nods in agreement.
[[Continue.->D4 Lily Doctor Knock]]Someone knocks on the door a few times.
"Who is it?" you ask.
"Me." It's Peters voice.
"Come in," you say.
Peter walks into the room. "Hey," he says. He grabs the chair by your desk and sits down in it.
"Hey," you respond, contributing to the monotony.
"Is it true - what you said about Yua?" he asks.
[["Yes."->D4 Peter Yes]]
[["No."->D4 Peter No]]"Yes," you say. What else is there to say? Everything you said about Yua is true. She told you herself what she did. It feels weird to lie about it at this point.
"Wow," he says. "I thought she was cool. That's too bad."
You don't know what to say. Part of you wants to stand up for Yua right now, but another part wants you to stay out of it - you are clearly making a mess of everything, after all.
[["No one's perfect."->D4 Peter No One's Perfect]]
[["Don't take my word for it."->D4 Peter Don't Take My Word]]"No," you say.
"No?" Peter asks. "Why did you say it then?"
You look toward the window as you wonder about how to explain it. You just want to undo the damage you already caused, but you're not sure how to do it in a convincing way. You grasp at straws.
[["I was thinking about someone else."->D4 Peter Thinking Someone Else]]
[["I lied."->D4 Peter Lied]]"No one's perfect," you say.
"I know," Peter says. "But ... //abuse?// That's a strong word."
Is it a strong word? You're not sure of that. You respond, "I'm just calling it what it is. I'm not trying to make a value judgment."
He then says, "A value judgment?"
You explain. "I'm not trying to say it like it's overarching Yua's personality - her quality as a human. She just ... did something abusive. That's all."
Peter shakes his head. "All right," he accepts. He's still skeptical, but you're not motivated to explain any further.
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Doctor Knock]]"Don't take my word for it," you say.
Peter asks, "What do you mean?"
You shrug. "I just mean, don't listen to me."
Peter stares at you. He obviously doesn't hear what you're trying to say. You aren't sure how to explain it any further. Peter asks, "Then why do you say it?"
"It was an accident," you respond. "But seriously, talk to Yua. Decide for yourself." It seems pretty simple to you. Don't judge Yua based on your interpretation of something she said.
Peter nods. "OK. Sure," he says.
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Doctor Knock]]"Peter, get out." You hear a deep voice that you don't recognize speaking at the door. Who could it be?
Peter forces a smile at you. "Thanks for talking," he says. He rises and walks out the door."
A white man, balding, with short grey hair walks in.
[["Who are you?"->D4 Doctor Who]]You strain to find a way to explain it that doesn't damn Yua. It's hard, though. "I was thinking about someone else," you say. "I was dissociating, and I forgot who I was talking to, and it was an unfortunate mistake."
Peter responds, "Then why did Yua say what she did?"
"What she did?" you ask.
"Yes, when you were out in the hall. She said she told you something in confidence."
You barely remember the exchange you had with Yua. You've blanked on most if it - you've cast the memory away and forgotten it. "I obviously triggered her, but that still doesn't mean anything."
Peter nods. "OK," he says. "I'll take your word for it."
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Doctor Knock]]Does it count as a lie if you're lying about lying? "I lied," you say, judgment be damned.
Peter then responds, "You don't have to cover for her. She reacted. Something was there."
You shrug. "Honestly, Peter, you don't know what that reaction means."
Peter says, "She told you something in confidence. What did she tell you?"
You shrug. It's an easy answer. "She told me in confidence. Why would I tell you?" You're leading Peter in circles. He probably isn't buying your avoidance.
"I like Yua, but if there's a reason I shouldn't, I'd like to know."
You can't decide for him whether someone is right for his life. You don't want to part of that decision. "Just talk to Yua, and decide for yourself."
"But-"
"I //can't// do this. Please respect that."
Peter nods, and he looks at the floor.
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Doctor Knock]]Someone knocks on the door.
"Who is it?" you ask.
"It's me." It's Peter's voice.
"Come on in."
He walks in and surveys the room. He grabs the chair for the desk, spins it around, and sits down in it facing you.
"Good choice," you say. It was the only choice. He doesn't laugh. Another attempt at humour falls flat, and you sit on the end of your bed watching him.
"I was wondering. What do you think about what the group leader said? I mean, the stuff about suffering."
[["It has merit."->D4 Peter Merit]]
[["It's a load of crap."->D4 Peter Crap]]
"It has merit," you say.
"You think so?" he asks.
You nod. "I mean, at first I had a negative reaction to it. I don't know. I might be bargaining with the past."
"Yeah?" he asks.
"Yes. I keep thinking that if only I had done something - but it's done. It's over. There's nothing left to do."
Peter frowns and nods.
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Grief]]"It's a load of crap."
"You think so?" Peter asks.
"Yes," you say. You wonder if you can just radically accept that you lost your cat. You're grieving, though. There's a process. "I'm supposed to radically accept that a loved one is gone. Whatever happened to grieving?"
Peter nods. He is quiet for a moment.
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Grief]]After a moment of silence, Peter speaks. "I know it's not the same, but I lost someone recently."
"Yeah?" You aren't sure you want to take on his burden, but you might as well listen.
He nods. "Theresa - a beautiful trans girl." You shudder as he calls her //beautiful,// as though it needs to accompany the fact that she's trans. You try to put it out of your head and listen. He continues talking. "I loved her so much. She accepted - embraced - my weirdness. She was also very sad."
"Sad?" you ask.
"She died of suicide a month ago today."
"I'm sorry," you say. You aren't sure what to say. It's hard to approach it from your own angle. //You're// here because you want to die, and in a way you can empathize with Theresa. In a sick way you're happy for her, that she finally got her peace. You decide not to say that out loud.
"It's OK," Peter says. "I know she was really sick." You're not sure how you feel about calling her sick, but you understand the general message. Peter continues, "I miss her a lot. She did a lot for me - she really helped me accept myself."
You nod. "I'm sorry," you say again. You wish you had more to say.
Peter says, "I find it weird to think that I just have to radically accept this."
"I know what you mean," you respond.
[[Continue.->D4 Peter Doctor Knock]]"Who are you?" you ask.
"I'm Dr. Graham," he says. "Dr. Wagner is sick. I'm filling in for him today."
You remember Hazel saying something about today's doctor. Perhaps this is the one she was talking about. "OK," you say. You're always nervous about new people.
(if: $Formed is true)[[[Continue.->D4 Graham Formed]]](else:)[[[Continue.->D4 Graham Not Formed]]]"I see you're on a form. Can you say more about that?"
You think of what to tell him. "I'm suicidal," you say. "I'm not safe at home." Stick to the message. You don't want to be discharged early.
"OK," he says as he looks intently at his clipboard. "Has it gotten any better?"
"I guess," you respond - hesitant about saying that anything has improved.
"Do you live with anyone?" he asks.
You shake your head. "Not anymore."
"No?"
[[Mention Cassandra.->D4 Graham Cassandra]]
[["I live alone."->D4 Graham Live Alone]]"I see you're not on a form. Can you say more about that?"
(if: $ERFormed is true)[
"I wanted privileges. I want to go outside," you say. You remember asking for the form to be removed - you're tired of being stuck in here.
](else:)[
"They admitted me voluntarily," you say. You don't really agree with how you were admitted, but that's how things are.
]
Dr. Graham nods. "So you'd say you don't need to be here?"
You aren't sure what to say to that. "I - I don't know." You don't like where this is going.
"How is your home life?" he asks.
[[Mention Cassandra.->D4 Graham Cassandra]]
[["I live alone."->D4 Graham Live Alone]]"My cat died," you say. "It's hard to be home without her."
(if: $GTalkedAboutCat is true)[
"I saw that in your notes," he says, not looking up from his clipboard. He continues to write.
](else:)[
"It's hard to lose a pet," he mumbles as he looks down at his clipboard and continues writing.
]
"I don't know what to do without her," you say.
He continues to act with disinterested. "I hear you," he says, still not looking up.
[["Are you listening to me?"->D4 Graham Listening]]
[["What are you writing about?"->D4 Graham Writing]]"I live alone," you say.
"OK," he responds. He seems to be of few words, and this makes you nervous. What is he thinking? What is he deciding for you? "Does that work for you?" he asks.
You shrug. "Yes," you say. You're really not sure where he's going with this. Right now it just feels like you're making small talk.
"Good," he says - his head buried in the clipboard he brought along.
[["Are you listening to me?"->D4 Graham Listening]]
[["What are you writing about?"->D4 Graham Writing]]"Are you listening to me?" you ask.
Dr. Graham looks up and makes eye contact. "It's my job to listen," he says.
"Then why aren't you looking at me?" you ask.
He tilts his head. "I am looking at you."
"You weren't //before.//" you insist.
"We need to move on," he says.
You grit you teeth. You feel the rage underneath your skin. The pressure increases. You decide to hold back. What else is there to do? This meeting won't be forever.
[[Continue.->D4 Graham Want Discharge]]"What are you writing about?" you ask.
He responds, "I'm just making notes for your chart." He keeps writing and not looking up. It's infuriating, but you try to keep your cool.
"I wish you'd just talk to me," you say.
"Am I not talking to you?" he asks, looking up for a moment.
"I feel like I'm talking //at// you," you respond.
"I'm sorry you feel that way," he says unaffected. "Can we move on?"
You want to lash out. You want to scream. You want to release all your pent up rage on this psychiatrist. You hold back. This meeting isn't forever - you'll be done soon.
[[Continue.->D4 Graham Want Discharge]]Dr. Graham scribbles on to the clipboard some more. "Here's where I'm at," he says. "I don't see a reason why you should be here over the weekend."
You lean back. You mouth falls agape. Are you really being kicked out? "Wait," you say. "What do you mean?"
Dr. Graham says, "I've looked over your notes, and from talking to you, I don't think staying here will help."
"Are you discharging me?" you ask.
"Wouldn't you be more comfortable at home?" he asks.
"Of course I would be. Who //wouldn't?//" you respond.
Dr. Graham says, "I think that's the best option for you."
(if: $Formed is true)[[["But I'm on a form!->D4 Graham But Form]]](else:)[[["I'm not safe!"->D4 Graham Not Safe]]]
[["You're killing me."->D4 Graham Killing Me]]"But I'm on a on a form!"
(if: $DayFormIsUp is 4)[
He shakes his head. "Not anymore, Jessica. Your form expires today."
](else:)[
He shakes his head. "I'm lifting the form today."
]
Even if the form is gone, it doesn't mean you're ready to go. "Come on," you say. "I can't go home like this." You look into his eyes. You beg and plead without saying a word.
His expression is blank. He responds, "Yes you can. You're stronger than you think."
You can't believe what you're hearing. You're running out of options. He can't discharge you if you're going to kill yourself as soon as you leave. Perhaps it's time to tell him.
[["You don't care if I'm safe."->D4 Graham Don't Care]]
[["I'm going to kill myself."->D4 Graham Going To Kill]]"I'm not safe!" you shout.
Dr. Graham responds, "I know you've felt suicidal before. I know this is something you struggle with regularly."
"No," you say. "It's not the same." You depserately want to convince him otherwise - to convince him of how wrong he is. How strange it is to be in this position of begging someone to detain you.
He doesn't budge. "You don't //really// want to be here over the weekend."
[["You don't care if I'm safe."->D4 Graham Don't Care]]
[["I'm going to kill myself."->D4 Graham Going To Kill]]"You're killing me," you say. Your voice is soft. It barely reacts. You don't know more to say except the obvious. You're going to die, and Dr. Graham doesn't even care.
Dr. Graham responds, "What makes you say that?"
[["You don't care if I'm safe."->D4 Graham Don't Care]]
[["I'm going to kill myself."->D4 Graham Going To Kill]]"You don't care if I'm safe," you point out.
"What makes you think that?" he responds calmly, as though he's humouring you.
You try to think of a response that doesn't simply sound like you're crazy. You try to think of a response that furthers your point and detracts from his. The harder you think, the more you realize that he has the upper hand and always will.
"Listen, Jessica. Right now the best thing for you is to get back to your life."
You don't know how he knows what the //best thing// for you is, but you do know that there is no life to return you. It's chilling.
[["I don't understand how this can happen."->D4 Graham Understand]]
[["I can't believe this is happening."->D4 Graham Can't Believe]]"I'm going to kill myself," you say. You're not sure of the value of threatening to kill yourself at this point, but you're desperate. You need him to know that you're serious.
He responds, "I hope that you don't."
"I have a plan. I'm going to do it the moment I leave."
"I hope that you don't," he says. He continues to use this line line no matter how much you insist. He also jots down a note.
[["What are you writing about me?"->D4 What Writing]]
[["I can't believe this is happening."->D4 Graham Can't Believe]]"What are you writing about me?" you ask.
"I'm just making a note in your chart," he responds.
"What note?" you ask again, more loudly this time.
He shoots back in a stern and humourless voice, "I'm //writing// that you just threatened to kill yourself."
[["So there's a paper trail."->D4 Graham Paper Trail]]
[["Am I staying now?"->D4 Graham Staying]]"I can't believe this is happening," you say.
He asks, "You can't believe what is happening?"
"I'm being discharged," you say. You repeat it over and over again. "I'm being discharged. I'm being discharged."
"I know you disagree with me, but it's the best thing for you." He won't budge. He won't even consider your perspective. This isn't a negotiation. He's the messenger.
You're still desperate to change things.
[["You haven't assessed me at all!"->D4 Graham Haven't Assessed At All]]
[["I'm going to die."->D4 Graham Going To Die]]"So there's a paper trail?" you ask.
"What paper trail?" he responds. He is clearly losing his patience.
You say, "When I go home and kill myself, the police are going to read it. So will my family."
"Jessica-"
You cut him off. "They're going to see that you had a chance to stop me and didn't."
Dr. Graham raises his voice. "//Jessica,// I am documenting your suicide threat because you are clearly trying to manipulate me."
You don't know how to respond to that. You really don't know what to say. You're speechless. You're more than speechless. You hold your tongue and allow the moment to slip away.
[[Continue.->D4 Graham Said Wanted Home]]"Am I staying now?" you ask - you're sounding perhaps too hopeful.
Dr. Graham shakes his head. "It doesn't change my decision," he says. "Patients are waiting to move up from crisis. You can't stay here."
So that's the real reason. You are being bumped to make room for the next patient. "Thanks for the honesty, I guess."
"You don't //need// to be here," he says.
"Clearly I don't need to be //anywhere,//" you respond.
He exhales and sits quietly, scribbling a few more notes into your chart. You wonder what he's writing, but you don't have the energy to ask.
[[Continue.->D4 Graham Said Wanted Home]]"I'm going to die," you say. "Once I leave the hospital doors, I'm dead."
"I disagree," he says. "You're strong. You've weathered this many times before and survived."
"You don't understand how wrong that is. You don't know how dangerous this is." You want to cry, but you're afraid to show any emotion. You're running out of responses. Perhaps he is deliberately wearing you down.
"You can't stay here forever," he says.
"I'm not //asking// to stay forever," you respond. A tear rolls down your face. Your hands tremble.
[[Continue.->D4 Graham Said Wanted Home]]"I don't understand how this can happen," you say. "Dr. Wagner said nothing about discharge yesterday."
Dr. Graham responds, "Dr. Wagner assessed you //yesterday.// I am assessing you today."
[["You haven't assessed me at all!"->D4 Graham Haven't Assessed At All]]
[["Dr. Wagner wouldn't discharge me."->D4 Graham Wagner Wouldn't]]"You haven't assessed me at all!" you shout. Your accusatory reaction probably won't help your case, but you know you're right. You're just too angry to address this calmly.
"That isn't the case," he responds. "I think you know that isn't true."
You know he's lying. It's almost like he's gaslighting you. "You asked me, what, two questions?"
He shakes his head. "I asked you more questions than that. Perhaps you were dissociating."
You know what it feels like to dissociate, and this isn't it. You can't believe what seems to be happening. You strain to find the words to respond, but you feel completely crazy.
[[Continue.->D4 Graham Said Wanted Home]]"Dr. Wagner wouldn't discharge me," you retort. You're grasping at anything that might convince him that he's making the wrong choice, though you're starting to realize the choice has already been made.
Dr. Graham responds frankly, "I can't tell you what Dr. Wagner would do, and quite frankly, I don't think you know either."
"Dr. Wagner was actually concerned about my safety," you say. You desperately grasp at whatever you can throw his way. You're still deluded about your ability to change his mind.
He doesn't let up. "I'm making the best decision I possibly can with the information I have."
You sit quietly for a moment and try your best to accept what's happeneing.
[[Continue.->D4 Graham Said Wanted Home]]You absorb the silence in the moment. You appreciate it, because for a second or two it doesn't feel like your entire world is crashing down. While the hospital isn't your favourite place, there definitely is a certain comfort to your existence here. A reliance on routine.
Most of all, you don't trust yourself outside. You've already finished preparing for your suicide, and nothing will stop you from proceeding with it.
Dr. Graham interrupts the silence. "Jessica, you already agreed that home would be more comfortable."
A low blow. No psychiatric hospital is designed with comfort in mind. How do you respond?
[[Point out that he's quoting you out of context.->D4 Graham Point Out]]
[[Agree and accept it.->D4 Graham Accept]]"What other answer did you expect? Of course I'd rather be home. I //hate// it here." You're still flabbergasted. You knew you wouldn't be here forever, but you don't see the rationale of leaving today.
"Then why don't you just go home?" he asks.
"Because I don't want to //die.//" you respond.
"I'm certainly glad to hear that," he says. He writes something on the clipboard, presumably to that effect. "If there are no further questions, I'd like to proceed with the discharge order."
There's no way to win this one. No matter what you tell him, he's going to twist your words to suit his own ends. You give up. "Fine," you say.
He rises to his feet and walks out the door.
[[Continue.->D4 Discharge]]"Do what you want," you say.
"Excuse me?" he responds.
Is he actually surprised to hear that you're giving in? "There's nothing I can do to change your mind," you say. "Do what you want."
"I was hoping that we could make this decision together."
You want to point out that he's full of it. You want to correct him - that he was only hoping you would //agree// with his choice. You have little energy for this, however. "Whatever you decide is fine," you say. You don't really care anymore.
"All right," he says. He rises from the chair and walks toward the door. "Your nurse will bring you your belongings."
You nod. He leaves.
[[Continue.->D4 Discharge]]You lie back on your bed and stare at the ceiling.
You think on what just happened to you - you replay the conversation over and over in your head, each time with it's own mutation. You simulate the argument over, and over, and over, and each time you arrive at the same result, regardless of what you say.
Perhaps it's better to just accept what happened for what it is - and perhaps it's best to keep the pain you endured for the past three days in perspective.
It was only three days, after all, even though it feels like a lifetime.
You look forward to the little things. The vacuous pleasure of being naked, alone, uninterrupted. It's hard to believe how much you miss being naked. (if: $Formed is true)[Your hospital gown is a form of bondage.](else:)[Your clothing is a form of bondage.] You never know when someone is looking, so you're always bundled up tight.
It's strange how paranoid you've become in an environment that supposedly offers relief from paranoia.
It's all a bit strange, truthfully.
You stare at the celing.
You wait.
[[Continue.->D4 Discharge Call Jon]]After a quite a while of waiting in silence, you try to imagine walking through the hospital's main entrace - exit - after having been locked up for a few days. It's an experience you found to be disorienting in the past.
Maybe Jon could help.
You have it in your head - something concrete you can ask of your friend. (if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[Things are a bit unsteady in your friendship, but surely he would help if he knew it was important to you.](else:)[Maybe he can help you leave this place and get home.] You rise from the bed and wander to the common area.
The phone is free.
You sit at the table with the phone and lift the receiver. You dial 9 and listen to the dialtone for a moment.
You punch in his number - you know it by memory. It rings. He doesn't pick up. You slam the receiver down.
Why won't he answer?
You dial again, and again. On your fourth try he picks up.
"Hello?" he says.
"Hi," you respond.
"Hi Jess. You OK?"
[["I'm fine."->D4 Discharge Jon Fine]]
[["I'm not OK."->D4 Discharge Jon Not OK]]"I'm fine," you say, though you're not sure how convincing it sounds.
"You don't sound fine," he says.
Transparent as always. You don't know what else to say. You clutch the receiver and wait for him to talk.
[[Continue.->D4 Jon At Work]]"I'm not OK," you say.
"I'm sorry to hear that," he responds.
You tremble and fidget with the spiral cord connected to the receiver. You look around the room nervously.
You don't know what to say. You wait for him to talk.
[[Continue.->D4 Jon At Work]]"Listen, Jess. I'm really sorry. I have a big deadline coming up, and I really need to focus."
He //always// has a deadline coming up.
Jon can't help. You try not to act disappointed, but it feels like he's abandoning you in your time of need. You try to remind yourself that feelings aren't facts, but you're wounded. You're dying - or at least it feels that way.
How do you react?
[[Tell him that it's important.->D4 Jon It's Important]]
[[Apologize for bothering him.->D4 Jon Apologize]]"This really can't wait," you insist. You force back tears, and you're glad he can't see you - though he can probably hear it in your voice.
"OK," he says. You sense the hesitation in his voice. "What's going on?"
"They're throwing me out," you respond. "I've been discharged."
"OK," he says. He clearly doesn't understand what this means.
"I got a new doctor," you say. "He barely read my chart. He discharged me."
"So you're going home?" he asks.
[["I'm going to die."->D4 Jon Going To Die]]
[["I guess I'm going home."->D4 Jon Guess Going Home]]"I'm sorry," you say. "I didn't mean to bother you at work."
You hang up before he can respond. You rise from the chair and walk through the common room. You glance at the activity around you. Some are sitting and reading the free commuter papers. Hector enjoys the TV, as usual. Just a regular day.
You want to tell your friends that you're leaving, but you can't. You hate saying goodbye in these places. You'd rather just slip out.
You're sad. You can't stop thinking about being brushed aside by Jon. You try to remember that he works - he can't drop his life to come help - but he's basically your only friend.
You head back to your room, and you try your best not to cry.
[[Continue.->D4 Discharge Mike]]"I'm going to die," you say.
"Why?" he asks. "What's going on?"
"I'm still suicidal," you say. "He discharged me and I'm still suicidal."
"OK," Jon says. "Maybe you can go to a different hospital?"
Go to a different hospital? Is he //serious?// Go to a different hospital, sit through the ER again, and get sent on your way? There is only so much of that you can handle. Still, maybe it's worth it?
Jon speaks into the silence. "I just don't want you to give up."
You twist your finger around the spiral cord. You need to ask for help.
[["Jon, I need your help."->D4 Jon Need Help]]"I guess I'm going home," you say.
Jon asks, "Are you safe to go home?"
Are you //safe?// "I don't suppose it matters," you respond. If you weren't already experienced with this, you might be surprised. Maybe even a little bit shocked. Right now it's hard summon any emotion. Psych wards defy logic and human instinct, so it's better to just go with the flow if you can.
"Of course it matters," Jon responds.
Of course it matters? It doesn't make sense to you. It doesn't compute. If it mattered so much, you wouldn't have lost your spot.
You need help. You need someone to help you.
[["Jon, I need your help."->D4 Jon Need Help]]{
(set: $D4JonComing to true)
}"Jon, I need your help," you plead.
"What do you need?" he asks.
"Get me home safely," you say.
You hear silence on the line. You remember what he said earlier - being on a deadline. Truthfully, you feel like such a problem right now. It's hard not to feel like one massive inconvenience to everyone - even the system doesn't want you.
"Please," you say.
Jon responds, "I'll take an early lunch. It'll be about 20 minutes to get over there and find parking."
"Thank you," you say.
He doesn't respond. You worry that he is doing this out of obligation, but you can't afford to be picky right now. For you, it's about survival.
He speaks. "See you soon." The line goes dead. He's on his way, at least.
[[Head back to your room.->D4 Discharge Room]]You pace your room from the door to the window and back. You start out slowly, but as time moves forward your heart races. What started out as a simple pacing exercise evolves into something that might be called a jog. Sweat drips down your forehead.
You see Mike at the door again. He motions to knock, but notices that he doesn't have to. You watch him from the middle of the room. He holds a large clear plastic bag. Your backpack and purse are inside.
He walks inside and places them on the floor. "These are yours," he says.
"Thank you," you respond. You don't know why you're thanking him. (if: $D4FireOverhead is true)[You've lost a lot of respect for him since he cornered and interrogated you.](else:)[He's a decent nurse, you suppose. Not terrible, but not perfect either.]
"I'll let you get sorted - make sure everything's there." He turns around and leaves. You decide to shut the door.
You tear a hole into the oversized plastic bag. You dig through your backpack for a change of clothes. You toss a pile of clothing on the bed. (if: $Formed is true)[You strip off your hospital gown and triumphantly throw it on the floor. You reach for the pants you wore the night you came in, and you do a funny dance as you try to pull them on.](else:)[You peel off your shirt and bra, and stuff them into the bag.] You don a fresh bra and shirt. You apply your belt - the one they held back during intake.
When you're done, you pull the backpack and your purse out of the plastic bag. You dig into the //biohazard// bag and retrieve your cell phone, which you then place in the pocket of your purse where it lives.
You begin the labourious process of re-lacing your shoes. Tedious work, but no one is going to do it for you. You can't get them feeling quite right again, but you hope with time you'll adjust.
You sit on the end of your bed and wait.
[[Continue.->D4 Mike Question]]Someone walks in. It's not a surprise. You room is about to be prepared for the next soul to occupy it. You wonder about this room - you wonder how many have stayed in here before. You try to work out a rough calculation in your head. After that, you start to wonder how many people who've stayed here went on to die of suicide.
You wonder if you'll be among them.
"Jessica?" It's Mike's voice.
You look up and meet his eyes. "Hi," you say.
"So I heard you're leaving us," he says.
[["I sure am."->D4 D Mike Sure Am]]
[["Not by choice."->D4 D Mike Not Choice]]"I sure am," you say.
Mike nods. "I'm glad you're feeling ready."
//Feeling ready?// What did Dr. Graham tell him? A bunch of crap, most likely. The system can burn. The system can collapse into itself. They tell you go to the hospital when you're unwell, and then they tell you to go home when you're unwell. The entire exercise is useless.
Mike senses your discomfort. "I should gather your belongings."
[[Mutter something about your death.->D4 D Mike Threaten Suicide]]
[[Keep quiet.->D4 D Mike Keep Quiet]]"Not by choice," you add.
Mike speaks hesitantly. "I was told that you agreed."
"Agreed?" you ask. You wait for his response again.
"That's what your doctor said. I should gather your belongings."
You clench your fists. You want to scream. You want to explode. The pressure is unbelievable. You try to hold it in, but can you?
In that moment you want him to be sorry. You want //someone// to feel bad about this. Is Mike the best target, though? He's part of the system, so maybe he's as good a target as any.
"I'll get your belongings," he says and starts to leave the room.
[[Mutter something about your death.->D4 D Mike Threaten Suicide]]
[[Keep quiet.->D4 D Mike Keep Quiet]]"It's not like anyone cares if I die," you say.
He stops and turns to you. "I care if you die," he says.
You shrug. "I shouldn't leave. It's a bad idea."
Mike nods. You're encouraged by this minimal engagement - is he going to advocate for you? After another moment, Mike speaks, "You're strong, and I know you can do it."
"Thanks," you mumble. You consider threatening to kill yourself, but you decide that would be somewhat rude. He has to stand behind his doctors. What else can he do?
He leaves the room.
[[Continue.->D4 Discharge Room]]You watch him leave the room. You hold yourself tightly. (if: $Formed is true)[You look down at your pair of gowns. Soon you'll free of them.](else:)[You should have known that they'd kick you out today. 72 hours - you suppose you're lucky you even got that long.]
You rock back and forth as you grasp the fabric. You pull your clothing tightly against your skin. You want to feel something. Any small sensation helps ground you, and you need to be grounded.
You bite your tongue - not that you have a reason to hold your tongue. No one is here.
You just want to scream, but you're so underwhelmed by the potential results that you decide to save your energy.
[[Continue.->D4 Discharge Room]]Mike re-enters your room. He passes you some paperwork. "There's a prescription and discharge summary." You read over the prescription - a 30 day supply of mirtazapine. The discharge summary only lists today's date. The supposed summary is absent. It's just a blank waste of paper.
"Thanks," you say. You're not sure what else to say. You wait a moment, and a relevant question comes to mind. "Is there a follow-up appointment?" you ask as you shuffle through the papers.
"Call your psychiatrist as soon as you can."
You shake your head. It's not what you were asking. "I don't have one," you say.
"I can see if Dr. Graham can make a referral."
"OK," you respond. You don't know what to expect - you sure don't want to talk to Dr. Graham yourself.
"Do you have any questions for me?" Mike asks.
(if: $Acute is true)[[["Why did you barge into the bathroom yesterday?"->D4 Mike Q Bathroom]]
](if: $D4FireOverhead is true)[[["Why were you so harsh over what was clearly a joke?"->D4 Mike Q Harsh Joke]]
][["Why was I discharged?"->D4 Mike Q Not Ready]]
[["When will I hear about the referral?"->D4 Mike Q Referral]]It's always the pointed questions with you. Still, self-advocacy is what the mental health system is all about. "Why did you barge into the bathroom yesterday?" you ask.
Mike looks away for a second. You clearly stumped him, though you feel embarrassed having asked the question. "You're right," Mike says.
"I'm right?" you ask. It's incredible that he's even admitting wrongdoing.
"You're absolutely right to be upset. All I can say is that it wasn't me who opened the door, and I would have knocked." In this rare show of humility, you find yourself empathizing with a psych professional. A //psych professional,// of all people.
Still, you need more clarity. "What //happened?//" you ask. "What was so important that you needed to see inside right away?"
He responds, "I can't comment on other patients. I can only tell you what you already know. We were looking for someone." He waits a moment. "I regret what happened, and on my colleague's behalf, I apologize."
"Thank you," you say. You don't often get an apology in places like this. Small favours.
[[Continue.->D4 Mike Time To Leave]]The urge to know burns inside you. While you're afraid of a defensive response, you //have// to know. "Why were you so harsh over what was clearly a joke?"
"I wasn't being harsh," Mike responds.
"Really?" you ask.
"You're lucky we didn't call the police." Your question certainly has gotten a rise out of him.
"You actually believed we were going to burn the hospital down?" you ask.
"It is against the rules to threaten patients or hospital staff. I'm not discussing this with you anymore."
You raise your hands in defeat. "OK," you say. "We're done."
[[Continue.->D4 Mike Time To Leave]]It's been on your mind since Dr. Graham left. "Why was I discharged?"
Mike responds, "I believe you discussed that with your doctor."
You respond, "But you know I wasn't ready." You feel like you're begging - you're pleading.
"I can see that you disagree with it. Dr. Graham is an experienced physician." He toes the party line.
The conversation leaves you uneasy - disconnected, even. Surely Mike must know, deep down, that this is wrong. He must know. You desperately ask one more time for clarity. "Did //you// think that Dr. Graham made the right choice?"
It cuts deep. His eyes widen. He's clearly unsettled by what you just asked, but will he disclose that? He responds, "I stand by Dr. Graham's decision."
He's a drone, just like all the others. You expected more of Mike. You expected him to tell his truth - not the institution's truth, //his// truth. What human connection you made with Mike severs in that moment, as his voice fades into the background noise of the institution.
[[Continue.->D4 Mike Time To Leave]]"When will I hear about the referral?" you ask.
Mike shrugs. "We have a waitlist. It could be about three months."
A waitlist and an early discharge. Lovely. "How will I know the referral is made?" When you were younger you wanted nothing more than to slip through the cracks. You wanted to live your own life. Now that you're older, you only see cracks in a broken system.
"The referral will be made. I will tell Dr. Graham personally when I meet with him later today." Mike will tell him personally - you have no doubt in your mind that Mike will do this. You do, however, have some doubt that Dr. Graham will forward the referral.
What happened to Dr. Wagner, anyway? "Why can't Dr. Wagner make the referral?" you ask.
Mike responds, "It's just a referral, Jessica. As long as it gets done."
You suppose he's right. You just don't trust Dr. Graham to do it properly. In fact, you have a very bad feeling about this, but you try your best to ignore it.
[[Continue.->D4 Mike Time To Leave]]Mike asks, "Are you ready to go?"
(if: $D4JonComing is true)[
"A friend is coming," you say. "Can I wait for him? He should be here any minute."
Mike shakes his head. "We need the bed. You'll have to wait in the lobby. Maybe grab a coffee and get comfy?"
Commerce. You've almost forgotten what it's like to participate in society. "OK," you say. You wish you could just wait for Jon up here, but what do you know?
](else:)[
"I guess so," you say. You might as well get through it. You can make it through the door. You can make it out of here.
]
You walk with Mike to the elevators. He waves to someone inside the nursing station, and you hear a familiar chime.
"Good luck, Jessica."
You find it odd that a psych nurse is wishing you luck. Then again, you find the entire institution odd right now. You step through the elevator doors and press the button for the ground floor.
The doors close. You're on the other side.
[[Continue.->D4 Lobby]]It's a Friday afternoon in the hospital. Just moments ago you were deprived of your personal belongings and presumably the freedom to end your life. Now you walk out of the elevator doors with freedom of choice in hand. There is something overwhelming about leaving such a controlled environment, and you're disoriented by the scope of the options ahead of you.
You decide not to fret too much. You can start with little choices, like buying yourself a coffee - the same coffee you weren't allowed to drink on the ward. You line up with loose change in hand at the coffee vendor. You wonder if your money isn't better spent on cat food, and once again you remember.
Nonetheless, you order a coffee just the way you like it. The entire city is at your disposal, but in keeping with the theme of the day, you decide to chill on a cushy chair in the lobby.
You watch the people come and go, and you wait.
(if: $D4JonComing is true)[[[Wait.->D4 Lobby Jon Arrives]]
](else:)[[[Wait.->D4 Lobby Go Home]]]A few minutes into you coffee break, you see a familiar face approach. It's Jon. He smiles as he approaches. Then he waves. "Hey Jess!"
"Hi Jon," you say as you rise from your chair. "I guess I'm free."
"Are you ready?" he asks.
You nod.
He says, "I parked just around the corner." You nod and walk with him.
You pass through a double set of sliding doors. The cool air hits you as you walk outside. The sun is brighter than usual. Either that, or you forgot how bright the sun can be. And still, there is something eerily clinical about following Jon to his car. You are still in someone's care.
You're struck by the noise of the city - the cars and busses passing through - the gasoline exhaust in the air. It's a strong sensation after breathing the finely filtered hospital air.
You open the passenger door and hop into his car. He joins you in the driver seat.
As you drive off, he tries to make conversation. "So, do they have anyone following up?"
[["No one."->D4 Jon No One]]
[["I don't want to follow up."->D4 Jon Don't Want Follow Up]]You reach down to check your phone. Perhaps you can call Jon and get him to reconsider. You regret not pushing it, because you honestly don't know how you'll get home.
You push the power button. Nothing. You hold it down to turn it back on. Still nothing. You curse under your breath. The phone was on when it went into storage, and now it's out of battery.
You sip your coffee. It's strange to be taking in caffeine. It's a bit of a jolt, but it's probably just the placebo effect at this point.
The coffee cup is a bit of a nuisance, and sipping turns to gulping as you decide to get rid of it. You toss it out. It's dealt with now.
You still feel empty.
[[Go outside.->D4 Go Outside]]"I don't want to follow up," you say.
Jon glances over at you for a second. His look is one of concern, but at the same time it's a look of unknowing. He asks, "Why not?"
[["That hospital is a horrible place."->D4 Jon Hospital Horrible]]
[["I don't like the doctor they gave me."->D4 Jon Don't Like Doctor]]"No one," you say.
"Why not?" he asks. The natural question you suppose, though you don't really want to get into it.
You say, "I was discharged with no warning. Follow-up was an afterthought. My life is literally an afterthought." You wonder if you're being a tad dramatic, but you can't really tell while you're in this space.
Jon remains quiet as he fixes his eyes on the road. You suppose he has a good excuse - he's trying to drive after all. You wish he would say something. You wish he would be the slightest bit outraged.
If someone - //anyone// - would show some emotion about your treatment, it would be nice. You don't know if it would help anything, but it would be nice.
Jon asks, "What are you going to do today?"
[["Try not to kill myself."->D4 Jon Try Not To Kill Myself]]
[["Order some food, I guess."->D4 Jon Order Food]]"That hospital is a horrible place," you say.
"I'm sorry," Jon responds.
You wish he had more to say. You wish everyone would have more to say. It's awkward to tell normal people how awful those places are. Most don't have half a clue of what happens in there, and you suspect they think it's for you own good. Or maybe they're just tired of you and wish you would settle down.
It doesn't matter, does it? You say as much. "It doesn't matter. It's over."
You don't know if you believe yourself, but it's better to get your mind off of it right now. You're technically still in someone's car - Jon - and you wonder how he feels about this dynamic.
It doesn't matter.
[[Continue.->D4 Jon Worry]]"I don't like the doctor they gave me," you say.
"That's too bad," Jon responds. "Surely he's better than nothing?"
"No," you say. "I know what you're thinking, but there's nothing more useless than a terrible shrink."
Jon nods and accepts your response. "OK," he says. You sense the hesitancy in his voice as he tries to respond. "I just think that if you accepted some help-"
"Stop," you say. "Stop telling me what to do."
He stops talking. He doesn't apologize.
[[Continue.->D4 Jon Worry]]"We worry about you, Jess."
"We?" you ask, genuinely curious about who, other than him, might be worrying about you.
"Your friends. Your family."
"I don't tell my family much," you say. You try to keep it fairly minimal - they don't need to know how often you think about killing yourself.
"And you don't think they worry?"
Point granted - they probably do worry, but you're not sure how that helps you. "I'm doing my best," you say.
Jon says, "Try to remember us when you're feeling suicidal. No one wants you to die."
And you've reached that awkward stage of dealing with someone else's feelings about your suicidal ideation. What a mess. As though just thinking about those you love is enough to prevent your tragic death. You're no stranger to death. You've had the thoughts your entire life, at varying frequencies. No one can really know what it's like. Psychiatry offers a model for understanding it, but it's just a model - one of many. You know your mind better than anyone.
Jon pulls the car up to the side of your apartment building. He stops the engine.
(if: $D2JonBadVisit is true)[[[Get out.->D4 Jon Get Out Jon Leaves]]](else:)[[[Get out.->D4 Jon Get Out Stays]]]"Try not to kill myself," you say.
"Do I need to drive you back to the hospital?" he asks.
Your heart races a thousand beats a minute after his suggestion, and you suddenly remember who you're talking to. Jon is not one of your psych ward buddies - you can't just make wisecracks about suicide with him. "No, I'm fine," you say. You don't want to go back.
Jon says, "Don't talk like that, please. It's scary to hear you talk like that."
Don't talk about killing yourself? Then how else would he know? "It's scary to think you'll take me back to the hospital too," you say.
You look over and catch him frowning. He clearly doesn't know what to say, nor how to connect with you.
You don't know how to connect with him either.
[[Continue.->D4 Jon Worry]]"Order some food, I guess." Order food with that non-existent money from your non-existent job. Then again, there's always your credit card.
Jon responds, "That sounds nice."
It //does// sound nice. After three days straight of hospital food, you're ready for a change. You're ready for something greasy. Something salty. Hospital food is depressing.
Jon says, "I might order a pizza tonight too."
Yes, Jon will order pizza on his engineer income. You wish he would buy you some food, but you suppose he's on a tight schedule. Maybe if you ask he'll pick something up - but you don't want to be a problem. He's already transporting volatile cargo.
You wish you knew what you wanted from him, or from anyone for that matter.
[[Continue.->D4 Jon Worry]]You hang your foot outside your car door, and Jon speaks again. "Listen Jess, I can't come up with you. I have to get back to work."
You nod. "Thanks for the lift," you say.
There's an unnatural pause as Jon searches for something to say. He clutches the steering wheel and looks down. "This has been hard on me too," he says.
Suddenly you're reminded of the phone call he made after your visit. You still don't understand what you did, but you suppose you never will.
Jon says, "It's really hard to see you like this. I hope you understand."
[["I do."->D4 Jon I Do]]
[["You think it's hard for //you?//"->D4 Jon Hard For You]]
Jon hops out of the car and walks around front. He takes your bag. "Let's go up," he says.
You walk into the lobby together and head toward the elevator.
Onward and upward.
(if: $D2ToldJonCatDead is true)[[[Continue.->D4 Jon Knows Cass]]](else:)[[[Continue.->D4 Jon Doesn't Know Cass]]]"I do." It's that sad moment where you have to face the impact of your problems on others. You want to deny it, to block it out, but it's there. It's undoubtedly there, and you hate when it's shoved in your face like that.
"I guess I'm just saying, I'll be in touch when I can. Try to keep it together, OK?"
Those parting words sadden you, and you can't think of anything to respond with. You shut the car door and proceed into the lobby of your apartment building.
Onward and upward.
[[Continue.->D4 Alone Apartment]]"You think it's hard for //you?//" you ask.
"I don't expect you to get it," he says. "I just want you to think about it."
"Fine," you say. It's an awkward and difficult moment. It feels like a confrontation, except there's really nothing to say. You want to cry. You want to hold someone. You miss your cat. What can you really do?
Jon says, "I'll check in with you when I can."
And in that moment, you both go your separate ways. You walk toward the lobby in your apartment building.
Onward and upward.
[[Continue.->D4 Alone Apartment]]When the elevator reaches your floor, you walk through the hallways and look for your unit number. You unlock the door and head inside, dropping your bag and purse by the entrance. You walk over to the couch and throw yourself on it.
What an exhausting three days. You're not sure how to pick things up now that you made it here. Cassandra is gone - perhaps you can start to actually mourn your loss.
You still blame yourself, but you don't know what good that will do. You've punished yourself so hard that you almost died. Perhaps you've been punished enough.
You think of work too. You think of your job - your employer - and wonder if they've sacked you already. You haven't been to work in weeks. Perhaps they did. Perhaps it's better not to call.
You're lost in worry now. Will you be able to survive without your income? You suppose you could always stay in a shelter. Lots of people do.
Still, it makes sense to at least call. Maybe they'll be understanding. Maybe they won't. You won't know until you talk to a human being. The hospital could have assisted with this - you could have gotten a doctor's note, maybe, but you weren't thinking on your feet.
You want nothing more than to hide, but that won't help.
You plug in your telephone, and you start to dial their number.
[[END.->D4 End]]You forgot how bright the sun can be. You put a hand up to shield your eyes, but the sunlight reflects off the pavement. It's painful to keep your eyes open - your eyes have spent days adjusting to low-energy fluorescent tubes. They can't handle the light.
The traffic noise and general city energy gets to you. It seems like everyone around you has a purpose - a destination - except for you. You are no one. You have nowhere to be, and you have nothing to do.
You see a street vendor on the corner selling hot dogs and sausages. It seems like a fitting meal for your return to civilization, so you buy one.
"How are you doing today?" the man asks as he flips your sausage on the grill.
[["I'm good."->D4 Alone Good]]
[["I just got out of the psych ward."->D4 Alone Psych Ward]]"I'm good," you say. You follow up with the obligatory social response. "How are you?"
"I'm good!" he says, and the circle of life is complete.
He picks up the sausage and carefully places it on a bun, which he hands over to you. "Enjoy," he says.
[[Continue.->D4 Alone Eat]]"I just got out of the psych ward," you say with a false cheeriness.
He forces a smile. "Oh," he says. He picks up a toasted bun and hands the sausage over to you. "Enjoy," he says.
You suppose he wouldn't make an ideal therapist. Then again, who does?
[[Continue.->D4 Alone Eat]]You don't bother to add condiments. You immediately bite into it and revel in the salty, greasy goodness. //This// is what food should taste like. You're grateful for it in that moment. Your financial worries nag at you in the back of your mind, but for the moment you feel quite good.
You need to decide how to get home. What do you do?
[[Take the subway.->D4 Subway]]
[[Flag down a taxi.->D4 Taxi]]You find the steps down to the subway station, and you travel down. You're usually wary of taking the subway when you're suicidal, because you never know what you might do. Still, you don't have a lot of money, so it's the best option.
You pay your fare and pass through the turnstile. A train is already waiting for you. You walk inside.
It's calm. Not very busy at all. It makes sense though - it's a Friday afternoon. Everyone's at work. You're grateful that at least you were discharged at a reasonable hour.
You wonder about whoever took your bed. You hope that they find it helpful to be in the hospital. You hope that it was worth booting you out.
You find a seat and wobble in your spot as the train carries you through the tunnels - closer and closer to your home.
When you arrive at your stop, you exit the train and walk up the steps. The walk is exhausting. Finding your way is exhausting. Soon enough you're in front of your apartment building.
You head into the lobby.
Onward and upward.
[[Continue.->D4 Alone Apartment]]You dread the forced conversation, but a taxi seems like the safest way. You walk a few stores down the road so that you're sufficiently far away from the hospital. You don't want anyone knowing exactly where you came from or what you've been up to today. You don't want to explain anything.
You wave down a taxi across the street, and the driver performs a u-turn. The car pulls up alongside you, and you climb into the back seat.
You tell him your address, and then you sit and stare out the window. You would play with your phone if it had battery power, but it doesn't, so you don't.
"Were you on a trip?" the driver asks, noticing your baggage.
"Visiting a friend," you lie, because lying is easier than saying you don't want to talk about it.
The driver pretends to care, and soon enough he pulls up to your apartment building.
You step inside the lobby.
Onward and upward.
[[Continue.->D4 Alone Apartment]]Thank you for playing **Inpatient: A Psychiatric Story**.
Any feedback can be sent to <a href="mailto:[email protected]?Subject=Inpatient%20the%20game">[email protected]</a>
<p><a target="_blank" href="https://www.facebook.com/inpatientgame">Find us on Facebook<image class="fb" src="image/fb.png" /></a></p><p><a target="_blank" href="https://www.twitter.com/zablockalana">Follow Alana Zablocki on Twitter<image class="fb" src="image/twitter.png" /></a></p>(display: "Donation Nag")
<script type="text/javascript">
$.post("ajax/game_location.php",{
move: "1",
passagename: "END"
});
</script>As you walk through your door, you hold back tears. Jon speaks, "It's so weird coming in here without Cassandra." It's true, and it hits you deep. She would be meowing at you the moment you walk in.
"I'm sorry," you say. You still feel responsible for her death.
Jon responds, "You loved her very much. //I'm// sorry."
You suppose it's true. She was your loving companion in this perilous world, and without her you are very much alone. "I miss her," you say.
"I know," he responds.
[[Continue.->D4 Jon Call]]As you walk through the door, you hold back tears. Your home used to be such a warm and friendly place before Cassandra's death.
Jon says, "That's weird. Where's Cass?"
You frown and shake your head. It's a lousy way for him to find out, but what can you say? //Everything// about the past few weeks has been lousy.
Jon asks, "She's ... gone?"
You nod slowly.
He looks as if a lightbulb went off in his head. "I'm so sorry," he says.
"Thanks," you respond. There's nothing else to say.
[[Continue.->D4 Jon Call]]"I don't know what to do," you say. "Cassandra is dead. I have no job."
(if: $D2ToldJonCatDead is true)[
Jon asks, "Did the hospital call work for you?"
You shake your head. "Are you kidding?" you ask. "They don't do that."
](else:)[
Jon asks, "What happened to your work?"
"I haven't been going," you say. "I'm probably fired."
]
It wouldn't be the first job you've lost to your illness, and you know it won't be your last. You sit at the couch quietly and stare across at the CRT television on the other end of the room. You don't know what to do - how will you get on without an income? You worry. You try not to worry too much. After all, you can only deal with the moment.
"Can you call them now?" Jon asks.
You shrug. "Do you think I should?"
"//Yes.// You absolutely should," he says.
You nod. It's hard to imagine making the call, but at least Jon is here with you. For once in the past few weeks, you don't feel like you're completely alone. It still hurts, but it hurts less. You can manage. You can do this.
He hands you his phone, and you start to dial the number.
[[END.->D4 End]] {
(set: $Opening to true)
}You have a game already in progess. Do you wish to continue?
<a>(link: "Continue game.")[(load-game: "A")]</a>
<a>(link: "Start over from the beginning.")[Are you sure you wish to restart? You will lose all save data. [[Yes, I am sure.->Restart For Sure]]]</a>This game is a simulation of a mental health crisis and the patient experience of psychiatric hospitalization. The people in this game are fictional, but the situations have been inspired by real-life experiences.
A **massive trigger warning** probably goes without saying. Please do not play this game if you're in a bad place - especially if you're in a crisis. That said, you're the boss of your own life and I can't tell you what to do.
I wish everyone strength and perseverance. The hospital is not forever. Eventually you do go home - and hopefully you will feel a bit better when you get there.(display: "Opening-text")
(link: "Start the game.")[(load-game: "Restart")]You rise from the bed and walk over to the window, glancing out for a moment. It's a very grey day, though you suppose it doesn't matter given that you're in here.
You walk out the door and look down the hall in each direction. There isn't much to see. To the right is a set of double doors - a dead end. To the left is a hallway intersection. You wander in that direction.
You wonder how long you'll be in here. You wonder if it was even the right choice. You don't have long to wonder. The PA system turns on and an announcement sounds above you.
**"Lunch is now being served in the dining area. Remember to wash your hands, and put your tray back when you're done."**
You turn around and head to the dining area. The hall gradually fills with patients in search of food.
You are among the first to reach the trays.
[[Find your tray.->D2 Find Tray]]"That's a pretty name," you say.
They nod. "I chose it for myself."
"How did you pick it?" you ask.
Amara shrugs. "It's an Igbo name. I'm not sure of my lineage, but I liked it."
"You're not sure of your lineage?"
"It's hard to trace when your ancestors were slaves," they respond.
You nod. You're not sure what to say in response. "That sounds hard," you say almost thoughtlessly. It was almost certainly an inappropriate response, and you regret it the moment it comes out of your mouth. Hopefully it was better than saying nothing.
Amara nods. Without another word, they lift a plastic fork and look down at their food. You take your spoon and do the same.
[[Continue.->D2 Start Lunch]]"How did you get here?"
Amara responds with one word, "Family."
It's not quite what you wanted to know. You are more curious about what issues brought them here - not specifically //who.// Either way, perhaps it's none of your business. "Does your family support you?" you ask.
"Enough," they respond.
You sit in silence as your lift your spoon and start poking your food with it. Maybe they don't want to talk about it. They lift a fork and do the same.
[[Continue.->D2 Start Lunch]]Has this game touched you in any way? Please consider donating to help cover site expenses.
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<h3>End of Day 1</h3>(display: "Donation Nag")
[[Continue to Day 2.->Day 2 Heading]]
<h3>End of Day 2</h3>(display: "Donation Nag")
[[Continue to Day 3.->D3 Heading]]<h3>End of Day 3</h3>(display: "Donation Nag")
[[Continue to Day 4.->D4 Heading]](display: "DischargeWarning")
[[Tell her it's just the depression.->ER Marion NotSuicdal]]{
(set: $name to (history:)'s last)
}This decision will lead to your discharge. You're worried you won't be safe at home. Are you sure you want to do this?
(link-goto: "Try something else.", $name)(display: "DischargeWarning")
[[Stop reacting - this won't help.->ER Marion Go Home]](display: "DischargeWarning")
[[Go home.->ER Marion Go Home]]